Tuesday, November 29, 2011

RHOBH: Amazingly I Don't Mention That Ridicurous Wedding Planner Once During This Post

I'm not kidding, I don't mention this guy ONCE.

When two people are in a relationship where the guy beats his wife and then kills himself, I think you're supposed to feel sorry for those people. But somehow, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills make this impossible. Taylor and her dead husband are so unlikable that any sort of compassion for them is thrown out the window (also, all of my compassion for people gets used up when I watch Intervention -- that show is sad!). And I know what you're thinking, "Oh, you just don't like her because she looks like a horse!" and that's true, that's very very true, but it's more because Taylor's always doing dumb stuff and making terrible decisions. (And then there's the whole horse thing.)

It's one terrible decision after another from these people: I'm gonna get more plastic surgj; I'm gonna bring my dog to high-class functions; I'm gonna pretend things are high-class functions when they're really just regular functions; I'm gonna go to functions instead of staying home when clearly I never have fun at any of these functions because who ever has fun at functions anyway? And so on.

And in last night's ep, there were a few terrible decisions that these ladies made that were just total doozies.

For exormple, when Taylor and her dead husband went to couples therapy, they made the ROOKIE MISTAKE of sitting in the barca loungers as opposed to laying down on the couch. To quote Phaedra from RHOA, ehhhhvvvverybody knowsssss that when you see a psychiatrist you HAVE TO lay down on the couch. It's so much more relaxing, and ultimately you don't have to make awkward eye contact with your therapist when you tell her that you once had a dream that you buttblasted Tina Turner (true story).

In fact, back when I was in therapy, not only would I lay down on my therapist's couch to avoid having to see her judge me, but I'd actually take my shoes off -- I was that comfortable. Looking back, I should've used the therapy sessions to try and figure out why I thought it was okay to take my shoes off in some shrink's office as opposed to exploring why I wanted to take Tina Turns to the boneyard.

Taylor and her huz choosing barca loungers over couches ... poor decision #1 in last night's ep.

Unsure if he's actually dead or alive in this pic. 

Poor decisj #2 was obviously the dead guy leaving the therapy session before it was over. I mean, c'mon dude! The sesh is only an hour! Cancel that business meeting or at least call them and say you'll be 20 minutes late! Also, I'm aware that you're dead and you can't even read this, and I'm sorry that you're dead, but you should've stayed for the entire hour! Then maybe that doctor could've figured out why you were such a miserable wife-beating maniac! Or at least helped you be less boring! And I'm sorry for yelling! But you're seriously so boring! Or, were.

Later in the ep, Brandi (the only one that I like) suggested that the housewives all get together for a fun evening at her place where a real live porn star would give them tips on how to perform blowjobbers. Sounds like a great idea, right? Something different. Something to get these ladies to loosen up a little bit. And learn a few tips from a professional while they're at it. But no, Mrs. My Hair is Too Long for My Age negged the idea because she didn't think the other women would go for it -- it wasn't classy enough. Although talking shit on each other and doing splits at every get together is totally classy. I got a question for you Mrs. Your Hair is Not Age Appropes, HOW IS THAT NOT A GOOD IDEA?!?! ... ARE YOU HAVING THAT MUCH FUN IN LIFE THAT YOU COULDN'T SPEND ONE NIGHT LEARNING HOW TO DO THE SAN ANTONIO SNAPPER? ... HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND FEELS ABOUT THIS?

KYLE:  Hey hun, the girls are thinking of getting together and having this porn star teach us some sex moves, do you think I should go?

KYLE'S HUSBAND: (Spits out his water all over the place.)

KYLE: Yeah, it's not for me. I think I'll just stay home and read some blogs.


Tina Turns felt comfortable enough to kick her shoes off while hanging out in the back of this abandoned van.

Maybe these women wouldn't be having total mental breakdowns and problems with their soon-to-be-dead husbands if they stopped and thought about their decision making from time to time. I mean, look at Tim Teebs, that guy sucks at football, but he's doing all right for the Broncos because he doesn't turn the ball over and makes good decisions. Look at Herman Cain and where he's at because of the decisions he's made. Look at my wife, my poor, poor wife who is currently having to deal with the consequences of saying the words "I do." Tina Turns flipped the script. It's not too late for these Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to fix their lives too. Well, it is for the dead guy, but he's not really a housewife is he?

I'll close with this: a guy that I used to work with once told me, "There's no such thing as bad people. Just good people who make bad decisions." Well, that guy was an idiot -- and he later got fired for nailing our co-worker in the copy room.

So maybe these Beverly Hills ladies are doomed after all.

Except for Brandi, she's dope.

Classy Freddie Blassie.

Possibly invented the San Antonio Snapper.

I sure did go a little overboard with all the "dead guy" jokes, huh? Oh, get over it. And check out this picture of a guy who loves the dead.


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