Monday, November 7, 2011

RHOA: By Far the Best Housewives (Because They're Black!)

Get her Neen Machine!

"I'm not gonna stab you in the back. I'm gonna stab you in the chest." -- NeNe Leakes

I love big black women.

There was a time in my life when I was surrounded by them -- as a high school basketball player, I was cool with all the black chicks. I even got to Tootsie Roll with Shaya Bryant (Kobe's sister) at the 1994 Lower Merion High School Homecoming Dance. But now I'm just a 34 year-old Jewish stiff who lives in the suburbs and spends his weekends at places like arboretums.

For the record, my mother and I did in fact take a stroll at Tyler Arboretum this past Saturday, catching up and taking pictures of the foliage. It was actually quite lovely. We got a Groupon for it and everything. My wife stayed home and wrote her paper for grad school. I also had some peanut butter crackers from the gift shop. That's probably about the whitest thing a person could do. Although, I imagine that black people also love peanut butter crackers. This somehow makes me happy.

Yo, you gotta follow @NeNeLeakes on Twitty Twang. 

The fact that I haven't had one-on-one contact with a black lady in months? years? probably explains why I love the Real Housewives of the A.T.L. so much. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

RHOA brings a whole different flavor into my lame, whiteboy routine. Last night's season premiere not only featured the return of my girls, but also two flamboyant gay dudes: Miss J from America's Next Top Lunatic and Miss Lawrence, a hair-stylist / singer who looks and acts nothing like my friend Larry. There was also one commercial for Olive Oil organic hair root stimulator, which I didn't even know was a thing!

Probably a little more fun than taking pictures of foliage. 

Later in the show, Kandi (that's the single mom who used to be in Xscape and is probably the biggest pervert in the world) let it be known that she's going into the sex toy business. She and Phaedra and Sherée visited The Liberator sex store, which was exciting for my wife because apparently The Liberator is kind of a big deal. My wife even admitted as to once looking into getting The Liberator at one point in time.

I had never heard of The Liberator before, nor had I heard of Forever Lazy, which is currently sweeping the nation. After this tweet from follower @AngelaBittle, I totally thought it was a sex toy.

Turns out, Forever Lazy is a one-piece adult footed pajama.

These two certainly don't need help with their sex life. Although that dude does need a razor.

My Wife:  Hey Ev, I'm looking into getting The Liberator. Whaddya think?

Me:  Ehhhh, I'm more into the Forever Lazy.

My Wife:  But The Liberator will help out our sex life.

Me:  But the Forever Lazy will help out our lounge life.

My Wife:  You already bought one didn't you?

Me:  They're buy one get one!

My Wife:  I'm getting The Liberator. And I'm using it with a black dude.

Me:  Have you seen my Playstation headset?

The climax of last night's show featured my girl NeNe getting into a shouting match with Sherée about how NeNe may or may not have tried to swindle Sherée out of some money. Honestly, it seemed like NeNe was guilty as a mug, but I'm still taking her side because I love her unconditionally (and Sherée is kind of a snooze).

All in all, I'm just so happy to have black women back in my life.

Even if it does mean dodging the occasional chest-stabbing.

Tonight I expect huge fireworks at TVMWW's headquarters as the Beagles play on MNF at the same time as Dancing With the Stars and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Please pray for me. 
Or check out this really nice photo of Smokin' Joe Frazier running with his dog. Philly's Champ is currently on his deathbed.


  1. So according to Wikipedia, The Liberator is a Bible re-telling by Rob Lacey. How is that better than a ONE PIECE PAJAMA(with footsies!) set? I totally don't get women.

  2. I actually don't know if I could handle footsies. I might freak out.

    Come on and dippp, baby dip, come on and dippp, baby dip ...

  3. Local BlogCelebrity Angela Bittle here ---- I hate to break it to you all but the ForeverLazy doesn't have the footy part... :/