Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Kim Kardash and Kris Humf - Not Sure Who I'm Supposed to Feel Sorry For Here

Is Kim milking his left ring finger?

Today marks the beginning of National Raisin Bread Month -- a 30-day celebration full of raisins, bread, sex, toasters, butter and other raisins.

But this November will be a somber time for Kris Humphries, who will now be eating his raisin bread without Kim Kardashian. (It will also be a somber time for thousands of other lonelier, uglier people ... and also for people who are allergic to raisins (and bread). And it'll be especially rough for people who don't have feet. That's just sad. In fact, let's take some time out of our busy days to sympathize with people who don't have feet. Okay, now let's get back to Humfy.)

Every morning, Kris will sit at the breakfast table and look over at an empty chair that used to be occupied by the softest, roundest butt. Then again, Humf is an NBA ballplayer (and yeah, he's a really mediocre NBA ballplayer, but he's still an NBA ballplayer) and will probably have many other butts to stare at on cold Autumn mornings. In fact, he's probably staring at a butt right now. And he's probably gonna stare at a different girl's butt tomorrow. I've got a friend who was dating a really hot Colombian chick, but then she broke up with him and he didn't see another butt for almost five years.

These women have hands like frying pans!

I guess if you wanna knock getting to see a different butt every morning, married dudes could argue that there's something great about being able to see a butt whenever you want. 'Cause I can literally see a bare butt whenever I want. When you're married, you can walk up to your wife AT ANY TIME and just pull her pants down and look at her butt. It's a law -- it's written in ketubahs -- if I were to walk up to my wife right now and pull her pants down, she'd be like, "Uhh, what are you doing?" ... and I'd say, "Looking at your butt." ... and she'd say, "Oh." ... and then go back to reading TheSuperficial.com. Humfdog probably can't do that anymore.

But eating breakfast by yourself isn't so bad either. On Sundee mornings -- while my wife sleeps in -- I like to get up early, watch Italian soccer, make an omelette and literally masturbate wherever I want to. I can do that, because I'm alone (and I always wake up with a boner that's harder than Chinese arithmetic). On the couch? Sure. Dining room table? Absolutely. If I wanted to, I could even masturbate in the kitchen sink -- and I don't mean into the sink, I mean in the sink -- with my butt in the basin and my legs dangling over the edge. Now I don't want to do this -- especially because our sink is currently filled with dirty dishes -- but I could, and that's the point ... and so can Humfrey Boges.

I'm just saying ... dude had 100 yards rushing this week ... also, THIS PICTURE IS INSANE.

I guess the real loser here is Kim-bo, who now will not only be eating breakfast alone, but will have to do so on the china that she was given as a wedding present. Kim Jong is now a thirtysomething divorcée who has been tossed from rapper to football player to football player to a mediocre basketball player -- SO mediocre that he hasn't even been asked to play in any of these charity lockout games -- and now back to square one. Her sisters are all in relationships and even HER MOTHER has found a man. Kimberly is back to eating for one (unless your count her butt ... then she's eating for around seven).

It's hard to feel sorry for a woman who has beauty and fame and fortune and probably eats her raisin bread with fresh butter that comes straight from a cow's teet ... but I do! Because the only thing women really want in this world is someone to share their raisin bread with (and also someone to enjoy looking at their butt). Because as good as raisin bread is, there's nothing quite like looking at someone's butt and saying, "Damn butt, how freaking good is raisin bread?"

Big ups to Dr. @Shaenasaurus for letting me know it was National Raisin Bread Month. Follow the doctor on Twitter. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out this picture of 10 yr old Steve Nash in his soccer uniform.


  1. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about Kim's divorce until I read TVMWW. Now? I just want cereal.

  2. That ball that Nash is posing in front of will honestly cut your foot off if you kick it hard enough. They have this vulcanized plastic armor on the outside that is meant to keep the ball from being destroyed when you kick it into the street, but after the plates start to come up they will slice roast beef or a face just as well as your standard, deli-issue roast beef slicing ball would.

  3. came to this blog for the Miss America post. Stay for the Kim Kardash.

  4. I know two David Ps in this world and I can't imagine either of them reading TVMWW.

    Nathan, NOTHING hurts more than kicking a soccer ball in cold weather. And that includes chubb rub.

    Jacki, excited to see what makes you ditch TVMWW once and for all!