Friday, November 11, 2011

The Evster's NFL 9/17ths Season Review

I believe the word to describe this picture is, "bladdow!"

Techhhhhnically, my wife watches a lot of football. Granted, it's only because I put it on, but she still watches games (slash falls asleep during 'em). So what better place to post an NFL 9/17ths Season Review than on TV Me Weef Wooches. Also, this is my friggin' blog and I'll post about whatever I damn well please. Look, I'm even gonna paste a picture of a squirrel just because I can.

Boom!

Squirrel!

Of course, I do realize that most of my 17 readers are female and maybe 9 of them can tolerate watching football, so I will try to write about topics that appeal to both football and non-football fans. And ladies, if you're bored, just scroll down and look at the pictures like this one of former Beagles and Niners (and Browns, Raiders, Bucs and Omaha Nighthawks) quarterback, Jeff Garcia.

Nice glutes.


MERRIL HOGE HAS STAKED HIS CLAIM AS THE PREEMINENT DOUCHER IN ALL OF FOOTBALL
Some dudes just look like total dickbags: Jay Cutler, Rick Santorum, any guy who brings two rackets with him to play tennis, but Merril and his thick tie knot trumps them all. A few weeks ago during a rant on ESPN NFL Countdown, Merril was going off about how he would NEVER ask to be taken out of a ballgame, because he's the toughest dude ever and even once played with a broken arm. Even Keyshawn Johnson (a doucher in his own right) was taken aback when Hoge said he'd NEVER asked out, saying something like, Dude, you can say all that on TV, but sometimes you just need a rest ... but Hoge persisted to douche it up. Probably because he's a douche. Also, his middle name is DuAine and he's originally from Idaho. And his son's name is Beau.

Dr. Douchenstein speaks at a seminar where people learn how to suck their own dicks.

I actually just googled Beau Hoge and was scrolling through his Twitter feed and I kinda like him! He's a freshman QB in Kentucky and just a dumb high school kid who tweets pictures of him and his dumb high school friends doing dumb high school stuff that high school kids do -- like eat ribs and mess around in Science class. I sort of feel bad now making fun of his father, but I guess some people just have to accept that their fathers are dicknoses.

It's actually amazing how annoying NFL analysts are these days. Boomer's rumblin, bumblin act is tired, Mike and Mike's schtick is predictable ... Heyyy, I'm a weenie! ... Hey, I'm big and dumb! ... I think the only guy I like is Shannon Sharpe and he may actually be a horse. My wife prefers the College Gameday crew, specifically Kirk Herbstreit, who she says, "His hair is looking a bit orange and yellow these days, but he's still the best looking guy to watch talk about football." My wife also likes Mark May, who she claims has the shortest name in the world, even shorter than St. Louis Cardinals' outfielder, Jon Jay.

Say it:

MarkMay. MarkMay. MarkMay.

JonJay. JonJay. JonJay.

My wife also pointed out to me how often NFL commentators say the word "football." Listen for it. Instead of saying, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting player who just has a knack for making plays." They'll say, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting football player who just has a knack for making football plays." Is that really necessary? I mean, we're watching the game. We know what he's playing and we know what he's good at. It's not like they'd be saying, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting Yahtzee player ... he did a great job there of giving up a chance at the large straight and going for a full house. And y'know what? He got it. A fine Yahtzee play by a great Yahtzee player."

He's no Jeff Garcia.


TIM MUTHAFUCKIN' TEBOW
My two fantasy QBs are Tebow and Joe Bitch Ass Flacco. Flacco is fine, he does okay, he's Flacco. He's servicable, he's Flacco, he can't move at all, he's Flacco, he throws a decent ball, he's Flacco, he's fine, he may not actually know how to walk slash run, he's Flacco.

But Tebow ....

Tim Teebs is by far the most exciting fantasy football player to have on your team, because he's just SO BAD at football. I mean, he literally cannot throw a football anywhere near his wide receivers, and yet he still makes some amazing plays and gets the job done and puts up whopper weeks in fantasy thanks to his bulldozing runs and occassional completions. If you haven't seen him play for the Broncos, you gotta check him out. HE'S HORRIFIC (slash amazing), it's like he's never played quarterback before. I've had trade offers for Matt Schaub and Phillip Rivs and had to turn 'em down because every snap Tebow takes he has the potential to truck a dude and throw a jump pass.

Check out Keanu behind Teebs trying to get by! ... "Uhhh, excuse me Tim. Timmy. Yo, dude ..." 

That's a nice necklace.

I don't even think Jesus himself bagged tail like this. 

I have a friend (another dicknose by the way) who has never played football, never strapped on the pads, but claims he could start at QB at a school like Muhlenburg. This guy throws nothing but flutterballs, but honestly thinks he could play Division II football (and start at QB!). He pleaded with us to let him quarterback our flag football team and honestly led the league in pick 6's. He reminds me of Tebow. Only he's a Jew.

My wife of course is NOT HAPPY that I have Tebow on my squad, because of his views on aborsh. She said, "I don't understand why he doesn't master his first job (quarterbacking) before branching out into other things like telling women what to do with their uteruses. Hey Tebow, the next time you get a uterus, then you can tell me what to do with mine. And also, don't tell me what to do."

For the record, "don't tell me what to do" is my wife's mantra.

"Dar, don't eat that ghost pepper. It's really hot. Plus it's laced with LSD."

"Don't tell me what to do."

Pops in pepper.

Emergency room.

Good for you, buddy!


I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE RUN THE BALL LIKE ADRIAN PETERSON. THE DUDE IS A BEAST. I'M ALSO NOT SURE HOW TO SPELL "ADRIAN."
AP has had a couple of mindblowing runs this year where he's juked, kept his knees moving, spun and blasted defenders on his way to the endzone. He runs so hard and so fast -- I've never seen anyone like him. I guess the closest comparison to his leg churning running style would be Roger Craig or Ricky Watters, but comparing AP to them is like comparing my Muhlenburg buddy to Slingin' Sammy Baugh.

It seems like this year the NFL is filled with one-of-a-kind players. Calvin Johnson is a freak, it's just not fair that anyone ever has to match up with him. Shady McCoy slithers around the field like Prince, and Wes Welker is the best whitey receiver since Steve Largent. I know, I know, that's not really saying much, but he still makes us proud.

Here's my 9/17ths of a season All-Pro team:

QB: Aaron Rodgers - On pace to throw 174 touchdowns. And my wife thinks he's really good looking, which is terrifying, because I think he looks exactly like my friend DickDog. (Note to self: keep DickDog and his dick and his dog away from my wife.)
RB: Shady McCoy - The local Philadelphia sports talk radio station aka "The channel where people complain about stuff" recently mixed up that "Moves like Jagger" song to "Moves like Shady." It's amazingly just as annoying / incredible as the Maroon 5 jawn.
RB: Freddie Jax - Tough to leave off AP, Forte and Ray Rizzle, but it's nice to have a good player from the Bills on the squad. At a sports bar a few weeks ago, there was a female Bills fan watching their game and literally living and dying with every play. She was also kind of cute and black -- two things I never thought I'd find in a person from Buffalo.
Waterbug: Darren Sproles - This guy's been incredible! He just zips all over the place, zippin' around, making (football) plays and rubbing it in fantasy owners' faces that they didn't pick him up after week 1.
WR: Megatron - I would love to watch him eat a steak dinner.
WR: Wes Welks - Scouting report: gritty (white), good route runner (white), great hands (white), knows how to find the soft spot in the zone (white), has Michael Buble on his iPod (really white).
WR: Steve Smith - Living proof that Jake Delhomme and Matt Moore suck at throwing a football.
TE: Jimmy Graham - Never heard of this guy until he lit up my fantasy team. Thanks Jimmy!
Offensive line: Look, I gotta be honest here, I have no idea who's a good O Lineman and who sucks. So let's go with ...
LT: Jonathan Ogden
LG: Willie Roaf
C: Kevin Mawae
RG: Cleveland "Pancake" Jenkins
RT: Michael Oher
KR/PR: Patrick Peterson - His 99yd tuddy last week was insane.
K: Lionel Messi - Finally got a decent haircut!

I wouldn't really call that the best hairstyle.

And instead of pretending like I know who's having a good defensive year, let's just say this:

CHARLES WOODSON IS THE COOLEST DUDE EVER
The guy's like 45 at this point and he's still getting picks, sacking QBs and stuntin' on the sideline like a boss. I can honestly say that there is no one in this world I'd rather be. Well, except these guys.






THE REDZONE CHANNEL SHOULD GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL INVENTION SINCE THE PIZZA CUTTER INTERNET
I equate the development of the Redzone Channel to the introduction of porn onto the internet. Before the web, you were subjected to the same four or five Penthouse magazines underneath your bed that you had stolen from your older cousin. Whenever you were looking for a good time, you could select from the scene where the girls were getting frisky around the campfire (with wool socks on) or the lady who thought it'd be a good idea to get railed on a sailboat (turns out it was a good idea).

Then, Al Gore showed up and opened up an entire world of rim jobs. Now, we fast forward through scenes, zip back, and select whatever we want, whenever we want it. (By the way, if anyone knows any good campfire sites, let a brotha know.) There was a time when we were subjected to whatever game CBS and Fox decided to broadcast, but the Redzone Channel brings us every game without the seven minute handjobs.

I also once had a girlfriend who was convinced that she had a knife that cut pizza better than a pizza cutter. We once had this excruciatingly painful conversation:

Her:  Yeah, use this knife. It's better than a pizza cutter. 

Me:  Ehhh, I dunno. A pizza cutter is made to cut pizza.

Her:  Yeah, but this one's better.

Me:  Right, but this is a pizza cutter. 

Her:  So's this. 

Me:  No, that's just a knife. I'm not sure you understand what's going on here. This is a pizza cutter. That's what it's called. That's the only thing it does. It's made to cut pizza. Have you ever even used a pizza cutter?

Her:  Well no, I just know this one's better ...

Me: Well you're wrong. This is like a guy having ants in his house and being like, "Well, I'm gonna use a vacuum to slurp up all the ants, even though I've got this perfectly good anteater right here who's very very hungry. Cause the vacuum works great!"

Pretty sure she dumped me soon after that.

I mean, it's called a "pizza-cutter!"


SPEAKING OF HANDJOBS, WHAT'S UP WITH HAMSTRINGS?
These guys are top-flight athletes, more jacked than the dudes on The Bachelorette, yet they can't get through a few weeks without tweaking their hammies? There haven't been this many hamstring tweaks since my friends stole my Penthouses in middle school. Clearly, that last sentence didn't make sense, but something must be wrong with these athletes' workout regimens or bedframes or barcaloungers because hamstrings have turned into this generation's polio. Also, what's polio?

FOOTBALL PLAYERS ON TWITTER SHOULD GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL INVENTION SINCE THE REDZONE CHANNEL
I've already blabbed about how much I love Twitter after my conversashe with Josh Scobee, but here's some other players who I love following on Twitty Twang.

Desean Jax - I have no idea what he's ever talking about.










And then there's OchoCinco who likes to tweet to his fiancĂ© Evelyn Lozada.













SOME OTHER QUICK THOUGHTS BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY ANYONE IS STILL READING THIS

- Even though the Beagles are 3-5, they're still sorta the most exciting team ever.
- Mark Sanchez is not good at football.
- It's so nice that the Cowboys are irrelevant.
- Cam Newts!
- I know people are excited about the Bengals, but they still have to face the Ravens and Steelers twice each the rest of the seez.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IS BETTER THAN MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL PARTIALLY BECAUSE IT'S BETTER AND PARTIALLY BECAUSE DANCING WITH THE STARS AND REAL HOUSEWIVES IS ON MONDAYS. 
Every relationship gets to a point where the husband watches the game on one TV while the wife watches some other crap on another (and secretly sends dirty text messages to dudes). Well, my wife runs my life our house with an iron fist and DOES NOT ALLOW multiple TVs. She maintains that the bedroom is for SLEEPING (and other stuff more sleeping) and that couples who don't hang out eventually unravel.

Well, I'm unraveling. I can't take watching RHOBH instead of football and missing plays like 99 yard tudds by Wes Welker (THAT I MISSED EARLIER THIS YEAR WHILE RICKI LAKE WAS DOING THE PASO DOBLE ... AND I HAVE WELKER ON MY FANTASY SQUAD).

To be honest though, I'm actually okay with where my life is at this point and missing the occasional 99 yard tudd. Before my wife came into my life, I sat on the couch all day Sundee watching games in my sweatpants and did the same on Monday nights. Now I still plop on the couch all day Sundee, but I get to spend Monday nights with her, watching whatever garbage she feels like putting on. And sometimes she makes cookies.

Married life is actually kind of nice. I'm happy to share a living room with her.

Plus, she's the primary breadwinner in our household.

I mean her household.



Believe it or not, I'm actually almost qualified to write about football. I spent two years making $8/hr at NFL Films as a logger and was the starting QB on the 2001 Philadelphia Sport and Social League champion flag football team, the Chicken Flaps. This talking Master P doll was our mascot. 

6 comments:

  1. Bang! Thank god you came back. I mean, I just scrolled to the end to comment (which STILL took me half an hour) but I bet this was a good post!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amazing. Ps have u and wifey also noticed they always say NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE and rarely, if ever, NFL? like, we know what the letters stand for.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thad, it wasn't!

    AF, have you ever heard them sometimes slip up and call it the National Meatball League? ... me neither! ... I mean, I have!

    Grothraki, I just looked up "polio" on polio.org ... apparently it's a fishdog!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I did not offer you Philip Rivers for Tim Tebow. I offered you Philip Rivers for a package including AJ Green, Chris Johnson and Playboy's Barefoot Beauties.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's actually a signed copy of Playboy's Barefoot Beauties (that I stole from a dude who used to date a Playboy chick!).

    ReplyDelete