Saturday, November 26, 2011

Choose Your Own Adventure: Us Weekly

But is the baby ready for them?!?!

On a crisp Black Friday morning, you've just finished watching a 1981 Rockets-Celtics game on NBATV where Moses Malone completely dominated the boards, but still couldn't overcome Boston's Big Three. It was a great two hours, but there's more to life than watching old basketball games that your wife claims, "DON'T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY BEEN PLAYED AND THERE'S SO MUCH LAUNDRY TO BE FOLDED WHAT THE FREAK."

Contemplating your next move, you notice that your wife has left the latest issue of Us Weekly on the couch -- she must've picked it up at the grocery store yesterday -- which is fine, she's entitled to ocassionally purchase dogshit magazines, I mean, geez, she is the one who does most of the shopping afterall.

Princess Kate Middleton is on the cover, apparently she and Prince Willy are comtemplating have a baby. You sort of like Wilbert, in fact, you've always respected any man who embraces his baldness, like Bruce Willis or Mary Carillo.

You have two options:

Pick up the mag and see what else Us Weekly has to offer (maybe pics of Rhianna grinding a horse?). Also, the cover reveals that Cameron Diaz is dating Diddy?!?! Get outta here! And he really is going with the whole "Diddy" thing now isn't he? No more Puff Daddy? No more Puff? Just Diddy. You want that mag. You need that mag. (GO TO OPTION RED #1)


Put the COT-damn magazine down and get on with your life! Do anything else. Take a shower. Rake some leaves. Rake the f*cking shower. Do something! And Lord knows you could use a workout. JUST PUT THE MAGAZINE DOWN. (GO TO OPTION BLUE #1)

Okay, the Samsung Phone-Bot 2000 doesn't take the bessst pictures.

RED #1 -- Settling back in that couch, you open up to a page titled COUNTRY STRONG -- which shows six white women with protruding collar bones like your mother's friend Judy (who you've NEVER seen eat a salad with salad dressing). You sort of recognize a few of them (Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and LeAnn Rimes) and have never heard of the others (Jennifer Nettles, Kellie Pickler and Miranda Lambert) although secretly you have heard of Miranda Lambert, but you still don't know who she is. This somehow makes you feel okay about yourself and what you're doing with your Black Friday morning.

You can now either:

Turn the page -- who knows what you'll find next?!?! Besides, all of these women were wearing floor length gowns and you will NOT read this magazine without seeing at least ONE barefoot beauty. (GO TO OPTION RED #2)


Look, the wife's still sleeping, you can still salvage this morning by going and pumping off. (GO TO OPTION GREEN #1)

BLUE #1 -- After chucking the magazine and seeing it land on the pile of clean clothes that you promised your wife you'd fold before she woke up, you sit on the couch and just kinda stare off into space. You do this for around nine seconds and realize there's no reason you shouldn't do this at least 35 times every day. This is amazing. Your toenails could also use a little bit of a clipping, but the toenail clipper is way upstairs and there's no way you're going to go grab that right now, besides, then you might wake your wife and completely screw up your morning. Also, you gotta clip your toe nails right after you get outta the shower -- everyone knows that! -- remember the last time you tried to just clip 'em all willy nilly, you had a sore toe for like three days!


Should you:

Pop on a podcast and make some French Toast. I mean, the wife bought an entire loaf of French bread and Pain Perdu is NOT gonna make itself. Besides, you're a motherfuckin' French Toast MASTER! Let's go! (GO TO OPTION BLUE #2)


There is SO MUCH left-over turkey currently in your refridgerator, it would be SILLY not to make a triple-decker Boston Gobbler sandwich right now. And that's not even a thing! But it could be, and you're just the man to make it happen. ... W.W.M.M.D? ... YOU KNOW DAMN WELL MOSES MALONE WOULD MAKE THE BOSTON GOBBLER! (GO TO OPTION GREEN #2)

RED #2 -- You leaf through a couple ads and land on one for Jenny Craig featuring ... wait for it ... wait for it ... MARIAH! You knew it was worth it to take the red option! Red is always the right option! ... "Which panties should I wear tonight, honey?" ... RED! ... "Which one of these Hershey's Miniatures do you want, dude?" ... RED! ... Then again, Mariah is wearing some ridiculously horrible-looking shoes -- and are you really that surprised? It is Mariah for crying out loud. What'd you expect?

I'll make it happen. I'll make it happen right now.


You then come to a section called "Who Wore it Best?" which pits different celebs who you've never heard of wearing the EXACT SAME OUTFIT and you get to judge which one of them looks better.

You can either:

Cover up the results with your hand and try to judge "Who Wore it Best?" and then compare your decision to that of Us Weekly's poll. (GO TO OPTION RED #3)


Just keep zipping along. There's gotta be some fresh pedicures in this mag. Or AT LEAST a little side boob action. (GO TO OPTION GREEN #1)

My friend the Heis Dad once bought himself the EXACT SAME Michigan t-shirt that he bought me for my Bar Mitzvah ... I mean, c'mon!

RED #3 -- WHAT?!?! Sandra Lee (whoever the freak that is) does NOT wear that dress better than Mariska Hargitay! How could 68% of the people be THAT wrong? Just look at their boobs! Sandra Lee's got droopers and Mariska's got yammers! This magazine is retarded and what the hell is going on in that perfume ad on the next page? What fragrance is Marc Jacobs is going for?  From the look of that emaciated white lady and her unconditioned hair, "Daisy" probably smells like shredded wheat.

You fly through the next couple of pages until you notice that Jake Pavelka aka the most boring Bach in the history of Bachs (even more boring that Johann Sebastian Bach!) has a new girlfriend who has ZERO pubic hairs sticking out of her one-piece bathing suit. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?! (not that she has zero pubes, but that a woman with zero pubes would date HIM?!?!)

Just like us, huh? So does their computer also constantly buffer when they try to watch YouTube vids of Moses Malone dunking on The Chief?

And sorry, but David Charvet and Brooke Burke are NOT "Just Like Us!" You have never (nor do you ever plan to) fed your wife fro-yo in the middle of the street. And if you did, AND IF YOU DID, you would NOT wear some dumb leather bracelet whilst doing so. And who is David Charvet?!?! Brooke Burke was so much more likable when she was doing Extacy with hairless dudes in Turks & Caicos. You need to go take your blood pressure medicashe.

BLUE #2 -- Yo, f*ck the bullisht, your high school guidance counselor didn't know shit about shit when he told you you needed to apply yourself if you ever wanted to succeed, 'cause look, you haven't applied yourself at one thing in this stupid world and you still just made a bomb-ass batch of Pain Perdu. That isht is dynamite and how frickin' amazing is it that your wife actually bought powdered sugar at the market yesterday?!?! What a woman! That stuff is never good for anything EXCEPT French Toast! YOU ARE A GOLDEN GOD! And you didn't even jerk off yet, which means that if your wife wants to have sex with you at any point today you are GOOD TO GO. 


GREEN #1 -- How can you possibly concentrate on trying to pump off when your next door neighbor is right outside your window raking leaves? It'd be one thing if your neighbor was hot -- then you could peer out the window like you did that one time in college when those two chicks were sunbathing RIGHT below your bedroom window -- but your neighbor happens to look exactly Lou Carnesecca. Cut your losses, go make yourself some grub. (GO TO OPTION GREEN #2)

How bout that Timex on Sweet Lou?

GREEN #2 -- How much tupperwear can one woman put leftovers into? Did you even know you guys owned this much tupperwear? Geez, your fingers are killing you from opening and closing all those lids and who the hell wants to put this much work into making a sandwich?

ALSO, WHEAT BREAD? ... MULTI-GRAIN WHEAT BREAD? ... THAT'S the bread she buys?!?! ... Forget the Boston Gobbler, you just start eating turkey right outta the container, dry as a mug. This day has been a total waste.

Well, maybe not a total waste, the Us Weekly landed open on a page that shows Modern Family's stars before they were stars!

Check out Sofia Vergera!

Like cheddar cheese and my sexual deviance, I think she's gotten better with age. 

And that funny dude who played ball in high school!

I once told my friends that if I ever had a daughter, I wanted to name her "Ty." They all made fun of me (and rightly so).

Oh boy, souunds like your wife is awake. Clean up the sweet potatoes from the floor.

And the wall.

And wheat bread?!?! C'monnnnnnnnn.

Wait'll you see the TVMWW t-shirts that are coming out soon for the holidays. THEY FUCKING SUCK. You should buy one. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this amazing Bill Walton t-shirt that I wore to Thanksgizzles.

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