Tuesday, October 11, 2011

RHOBH: For Those of You Who Don't Know Brandi, Ya'll Better Recognize

Is Maloof doing her version of The Thinker? What is she thinking about? "Hmmm, that light switch sure is confusing."

The worst way to start a wedding speech is the ole, "For those of you who don't know me ... "

I don't think there's ever been a wedding speech where an audience member was so confused/distracted by trying to figure out who was talking that they didn't get the gist of the speech. "Yo, who is this person? I'm so confused, she has a microphone and is talking about Rachel in middle school, but ... is she a friend? Sister? Pssst. Hey. Hey Jessica. Is this the sister? The sisss-ter. What? I'm not sure. She didn't tell us who she was! How are we supposed to follow this speech?! Did that rhyme? I think this is a poem. I think she might be a poet. A famous poet. I think she's a famous poet who went to poetry school with Rachel. I'm on prescription medication."

Anyway, in an attempt to make this blog more consistent, every Tuesday I'm going to be blogging about The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So for those of you who don't know the Real Housewives, here's a quick breakdown of this god awful amazing show.

RHOBH features a bunch of ladies who ALWAYS have fresh manicures and get together from time to time because they're contractually obligated to do so. Sometimes they meet up for coffee (drinks) and ask each other scripted questions from the producers of the show like, "So, what'd you think of Whatsherface last night?" ... and ... "How are you? No, seriously, how arrrrre you? You look beautiful by the way. That color looks so nice on you. You're an effing slut. What? Nothing. I'll have a mimosa. Just the mimosa for me. And some slut juice for my friend. What's that? No, just the mimosa is good. And the slut juice on the side. Extra slutty."

There's a British lady with ENORMOUS pepper grinders (and that's not a euphemism - she actually has a GIGANTIC pepper grinder. I know this because last night she was making dinner and used the world's biggest pepper grinder). There's also a Maloof sister, two of Paris Hilton's aunts (one who's a B and one who is a total lunatic), Kelsey Grammer's ex, and this other lady who's a major snooze. This new season is kind of a big deal because while it was being taped, the husband of the lady who's a major snooze committed suicide.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mr. Wispy Hair. And yes, I'm reading off of my table seating card. It's okay though! My handwriting (and cactus) is reallllly small.

During last season, I referred to the guy who committed suicide as "Mr. Grumpy Pants" and used to say things to my wife while she was watching like, "Hey, what's up with Mr. Grumpy Pants? Why's he so grumpy?" ... and ... "Man, Mr. Grumpy Pants sure is wearing his pants today. I wonder what his dry cleaning bill is like. That's probably why he's always so grumpy."

Turns out, he wasn't just grumpy, he was SUICIDAL. And not just suicidal like he would lay in bed all day and be depressed about stuff, or even suicidal like he thought about ending it all -- he actually committed suicide! Not like, "Ohhh, I'm so depressed, life is so hard. I wanna listen to the Cure."  Like, ACTUALLY SUICIDAL TO WHERE HE ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH WITH IT. "Yeah, I'm not only feeling grumpy today, I actually DON'T - WANT - TO - LIVE - ANYMORE."

Obviously it's very sad, but to be honest, after watching this show and getting a glimpse into these people's lives, Mr. Grumpy Pants might've been onto something. And this issssss Hollywood after all so the show must go on.

This season there are two new housewives who aren't quite Housewives, but often hang out with the Housewives: some lady named Dana (no reason for her to be alive) and another lady named Brandi who has a cast on her leg. What's up with casts on ladies' legs these days? Is that the new thing? Wasn't there a lady from the MTV Music Awards who had a cast on her leg? How long did it take for you to figure out what she was doing at the MTV Awards? Just sitting in a chair singing? I actually like this Brandi lady. She doesn't take isht from no one.

Game night with the Real Housewives of Schwenksville, PA. No seriously, these are the only real housewives from Schwenksville. Every other woman in that town is a complete bowzer and never tied the knot. Sad really.

This past episode, Dana had the Housewives over for game night, but it was a little different from the game night that we all know and love. At Dana's game night, everyone was really bored and one of Paris Hilton's aunts was acting like a total dipshit. She was high on some sort of prescription meds and she and her sister were being mean to Brandi, so now that I think about it, it was pretty much like every game night I've ever been to. In fact, one time in high school, my friends were playing Pictionary and my friend Larbage slapped my boy Feddderneezy IN THE FACE because Neezy KEPT guessing the same word over and over. "Dude, it's not peanut butter. Stop guessing peanut butter. If you guess peanut butter 11 more times it's still not gonna be peanut butter. This is a fucking xylophone. It looks nothing like peanuts. And these are xylophone sticks, not sticks of butter. I'm sorry I slapped you. No I'm not. You can't fucking guess the same thing over and over. It's a fucking xylophone, dude."

Eventually, Brandi got sick of the Hilton sisters being mean to her so she called one a "bitch" and then later told the other one she was going to KILL HER.

That's how you introduce yourself!

No, "for those of you who don't know me ...."

No, "Heyyyyy girl, you look pretty. That's a nice color on you. I'm planning on having a panic attack today."

Just straight up, "I am going to kill you."

Also, she's the only Housewife who's even close to attractive.

Even with the cast.

In fact, I think her cast is kinda hot.

Well, hotter than Kelsey Grammer's leftovers at least.

Also, that guy who's always holding his dog is an absolute maniac.

AND HOW 'BOUT HIS HAIR?!?!

I'll take "Hairy Thighs" for $400, Alex.

Remember, I'm going to be blorging about this show every Tuesdee. So that's something. 
This house in Iceland is also something.

5 comments:

  1. They really need to combine reality Teev worlds and have Ice-T and Cokes hunt these women "Surviving the Game" style. You throw in Busey and I just made a hit TV show.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Evan,

    I'm a huge fan of this blog, but Real Housewives??? C'mon, no one watches that bullroar. Everyone knows RHOBWJKFID is just horse poo. Bring it back to shows people watch; your Nielsen ratings might help you determine which those are. I miss your Dancing With the Stars posts. I literally never needed to watch that show...your commentary provided all the color I needed.

    On another note, I just wanted to say that I know I wasn't the best father. But I'm here for you now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Crotch, my wife gave me a 30 minute lecture last night on how I should blog about DWTS. And I paid attention to almost 4 minutes of it! ... which is 3 minutes longer than I paid attention to your comment!

    ReplyDelete
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