Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Real Housewives of New Jerz: Uhhhhh, I Got a Few Questions Here

Tell me this guy is not the most unbelievable person of all time. And does he have any idea where the camera is?

Well, it's official ... I don't ever know what anyone's ever talking about.

From Ke$ha to my Wife to Shannon Sharpe, this world has gotten very confusing. Now you would think that a show as simple as RHWNJ would be easy to follow -- just sit back and watch some mindless bozos from the armpit of the East Coast -- but noooooooo, this show makes my head spin.

So here are a few lingering questions I have from this past seez of RHWNJ:

If Jacqueline, the Gorgas and the Giudices all have babies at home, how are they always going on exotic vacations and attending Casino Nights and stuff? They're on cocaine, right? They must be on cocaine.

As a thirty-something white dude who knows (and associates!) with people who willingly tuck their shirts in, I have a lot of friends with small children at home. And the one commonality between these folks is a 9 o'clock bedtime. My friend Drew for example (2 little girls) has the same routine every evening: dinner (normally a bowl of popcorn), bath time (aka Splash City) and then he reads the same goddamn princess book to his girls (only now he doesn't even read the words to them, he just makes up his own stories because the books are so dumb). I'm guessing that Drew's daughters find him very entertaining, but may not be able to read until they're in their mid- to late-teens.

Do these housewives ever stay home and read to their children? Do they ever even hang out with their children? So far this season, we've seen the Gorgas completely abandon their baby in the opening episode (don't try to deny it Melissa, WE SAW IT! Teresa was right! I hate to say it, but you and Joe totally lost your baby while Joe was weeping / trying to fight a wall!). We've also seen Milania go berserk and Gia have a nervous breakdown during her gymnastics meet (she didn't even jump on the vault!). And then there's Ashley - who knows what Jacqueline was doing when she should've been reading to her. Wawaweewa.

Also, while I'm on the subject of parenting ... Moms, can we stop with all the Mommy Facebook posts? Like:

"Attention all Mommies! Can someone recommend a good diaper rash ointment for a 7 month old? I've tried Flarvex and Riboslivin and neither worked. Little Blayden has been shitting all over himself for the past three weeks and I don't know what to do! Thanks!"

What happened to the good ole days when Facebook was used to search for pictures of girls you went to middle school with in bikinis?

For the record, I actually think Jacqueline has very nice boobs.

Black Water? blk.? What?

I'm one of those guys who when I'm thirsty, I'll drink anything. I don't care. Whaddya got there, cranberry juice? I'll take some. What's that, cran-grape? Fill me up. What ya got, cran-clams? Sounds good.

But black water? I dunno about black water. I mean, isn't the whole appeal of water that it's totally natural and refreshing? And clear? This is what goes for a good marketing idea? Hey, I'm gonna take the most natural and pure thing out there and I'm gonna turn it into the color of tar. I'm also gonna hire a law school flunk-out and a certified nimrod to help me market it!  I don't even think Entertainment 720 could sell black water.

Up until now, the worst beverages of all-time were: Cel-Ray soda (horrific / kind of amazing), Coconut Water (dishwater) and Gatorade Propel (dishwater with lemon). But I think blk. might top them all.

I didn't list this stuff above, because I didn't think anyone had ever heard of it, but it is TERRIBLE. 

How does Kathy's husband Rich not have his own show?

Listen, I don't care what he's doing, I want to see more of this Rich character. Give him a show about anything, it doesn't matter. Rich selling glasses, I'm watching. Rich shopping for chesthair combs, I'm in. I will seriously watch a musical comedy-drama show about a high school glee club if Rich is on it.

I'm pretty sure that at multiple times this season, Rich threatened to burn people's houses down. That's what I want in an entertainer. You think TLC sold any records before Whatsherface burned down Andre Rison's house? Hell no. But as soon as people realized that she was a crazy B, they took notice. I'm guessing condom* sales went up too.

*Aubre, condoms are little rubber things that dudes put on their peckers to stop their peckers from falling off when they have sex with people like you.

Is Joe Gorgs the horniest dude ever?

I mean, I think it's a dead heat between him and Pepé Le Pew. I might give it to Joe Gorgs just because I like saying "Joe Gorgs."

I love the Internet!

Have Teresa and Joe Giudice replaced Ashely (Jacqueline's daughter) as the worst people EVER?

It's really close. Like, really really close.

Granted, Ashley still takes it, she definitely still takes it, but Bravo and Andy Cohen clearly made a conscious decision to show less of that lady in the second half of the season because they were scared that people might actually blow their own brains out if she continued to appear on their television sets.

This then allowed the Giudice's to slide right into her crazy void, showing us time and time again how people act when their brains fail to develop past the Neanderthal stage. I'm seriously convinced that Joe Giudice is a baboon. I'm not kidding. I know I write a lot of "yokes" in this blog, but I'm not yoking ... I THINK THAT GUY IS A BABOON ... how else could you explain the fact that he's completely unable to button his shirt? Have you ever seen a baboon try to button a shirt?

I have, okay?

I have!

And they can't do it!

Who am I yelling at?!?!

How is it that I have 100 Twitter followers and only 76 likes on Facebork? C'mon people! Do some marketing for TVMWW like Rachel Co does! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this amazing photo of an island house in Lithuania. Sucks about that light bulb though.


  1. And just like that TV My Weefe Wooches is back on track! I laughed, I cried. Actually I mostly cried!

  2. Condoms? Pfft, that's not god's plan.

  3. My wife claims that people out there actually use condoms. HA!

  4. LOL Jeff, L-O-L!

    That coco-vita stuff is, seriously, the most foul tasting beverage on the planet.