Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: I Don't Know How Much More of This I Can Take

It's actually not a horrible picture of her.

Two weeks ago, I took an oath (not an oath) that every week I'd blog about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But folks, I don't know if I can do it.

For one, I have a really hard time concentrating on the show because I'm constantly distracted by the ladies' plastic surgery. I feel like I'm watching a sci-fi murder mystery.

Me:  Okay, who's that lady again? Is she the one who poured acid all over her face and needed reconstructive surgery?

My Wife:  No, that's Adrienne Maloof. She's just a bit insecure and had a bit of work done.

Me:  Oh. And who's that one? Is she the lady whose face got chewed off by a dog?

My Wife:  No, that's Taylor. She's just had a rough life, you know, spousal abuse, eating disorder, husband hung himself.

Me:  Right. And that lady there? She's the meth addict? The one whose face is actually made of cowhide?

My Wife:  No, that's an egg salad sandwich.

Google image search: "Woman with egg salad sandwich."

But more troubling than their mangled faces is the fact that I don't agree with anything they're ever talking about. The way they look at life is completely mind boggling and it just makes me angry. For example:

During an argument this week, two ladies were ganging up on another lady and they were all calling each other "bitches." Then, the two ladies started saying that the other lady was a bad mother, and not a "bad mother" like homeboys used to say back in the day, like, "Yo, did you see Moses Malone last night? 14 offensive rebounds? That bull is one bad mother." More like, "You're a bad mother because you don't know how to look after children." Regardless, eventually the two mean ladies had ENOUGH and called the other lady a "slut" and a "whore."

Now, here's the thing ... how is that an insult?

Since when is it bad for a chick to be a slut or a whore?

I love sluts.

In fact, most men, ... no ... ALL MEN love sluts, and when we find out that a girl is slutty, we instantly like her ten times more.

This picture is so fake, but still so amazing.

For egggggsssssample:

There's this chick that I work with who's kind of annoying and kind of dumb, but I recently found out that she loves having her hair pulled while getting whaledonged, soooooo, I now sort of enjoy talking to her at the water cooler. I'm not saying I want to sleep with her! (My wife reads this) I'm just saying that if I had to choose one co-worker to play ping pong with, I'd probably choose her (or this other lady who's into light drowning).

Think about it!

Who are the three most famous women in the world? Madonna (slut), Sarah Palin (slizzut) and Jane Fonda (ripping slut). The only tolerable chicks on these stupid TV shows that my wife watches play sluts: Samantha from Sex and the Cits, Tiffani Amber Thiessen from 90210 and Jane Pauley from Slutline NBC.

Still not convinced? Try setting up any of your guy friends with a chick. This'll be the conversashe:

Dude:  So what's her deal?

You:  Oh, she's nice, really sweet. Hasn't had too many boyfriends though, I think she's only been with four dudes.

Dude:  Ehhhhh, no thanks. Anyone else?

You:  Well I work with this girl who's always talking about rape fantasies.

Dude:  Bing bong! What's her number?

The bottom line is that if any of these women on RHOBH are as ambitious to get famous as we think they are, they better start slutting it up. And they better start doing something, because I don't know how much more of this I can take. I do know however that there are some other sluts just waiting in the wings, ready to get impregnated by NFL defensive lineman.

Real Housewives of Atlanta comes back November 3rd.

Bing bong!

So this is a normal picture.

Had some absolutely insane apple cider last week. I recommend that every TVMWW fan goes out and gets some. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr just check out this picture of a dog sleeping.


  1. Cider? Love that stuff. You dig on the cider doughnuts?

  2. What an offensive blog post! Congrats Evster.

  3. Cider doughnuts, cider dog nuts, I love it all!

    Dar, let's go back to Linvilla Orchards!

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