Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My Conversation on Twitter with Jaguars Kicker, Josh Scobee

This guy's arms are completely hairless. 

It makes no sense why people are still using Facebork instead of Twitter.

Facebork users claim they "just don't get Twitter" and can't figure out what a #hashtag is. They also love looking at pictures of other people's dumb babies ... which quite frankly is ... BORRRIIINNNGGG.

I guess I understand the initial confusion -- but like every great invention, Twitty Twang just takes some getting used to. I mean, imagine what the guy who invented cereal had to go through while he was introducing it to people.

"So hold up, you've taken pieces of cinnamon toast and put them into a bowl? And now you're gonna pour milk all over 'em and eat it with some sort of scooping device? This is insane. How does the toast even fit into the bowl?"

"No no no, they're not actual pieces of toast, they're kind of cut up and then ..."

"But the toast is gonna get so soggy. The whole point of toast is the crunch."

"Right, right, but this ..."

"And the milk's gonna spill all over the place. Cinnamon toast in a bowl? How big is this bowl we're talking about?"

"Wait, just listen ..."

"Ehhh, I can't be bothered with this, pass me my gruel."

That toast's tongue is honestly so long. 

I personally love Twitter. I follow comedians who make fun of stuff, sports columnists who link to articles and Coco who tweets pictures of her buffalo boobs. I also get to give my readers an inside glimpse as to what actually goes on inside TVMWW's living room. And did I mention the buffalo boobs?

Another great thing about Twitter is that it gives you a direct line to Kardashians celebrities. You can tweet whatever you want right to them (and they may or may not tweet you back). I actually tweeted this brilliant business idea right to Kim Kardash:








Unfortunately, Kim didn't respond (she has over 10 million followers), but that didn't dissuade me from later tweeting to the entire Wu Tang Clan (and Kenny Powers and Diane Sawyer) after my friend Drake found a potato that looked exactly like the Wu Tang "W."




Look at that potato! That's a real potato!

Once again, no response.

But last week, when I noticed that Jacksonville Jaguars kicker, Josh Scobee (a backup on my fantasy team) was answering tweets from fans while I happened to be sitting in front of the computer, I figured I'd send him a shout.








Minutes later, Scobee wrote back:








For those of you who are absolute idiots not on Twitter, what Scobes did there was pasted my message in quotes and then responded at the end. 

I was thrilled. 

Granted, Scobles gave a very generic, football player-type answer, but at least he had responded! I shared my excitement with my wife and she got very upset. 

"That's mean! He's an actual person and you're saying that Seabass is better than him. Apologize."

Now, my wife doesn't understand that Sebastian Janikowski is the preeminent kicker in the NFL (and has the left foot of a Polish assassin), and Scoobee (and every other kicker) knows and accepts that. She also didn't understand that the only reason I drafted Scobee was because his last name is Scobee.















Now, that was a response. And not just some dumb response -- Scobee was now implying that my wife had a thing for him and that I had a thing for Janikowski. Scobee instantly became my third favorite football player ever (behind Reggie White and that fat guy from Wildcats).

No one represents my fantasy team like Seabass.













At this point, Scobington and I were pretty much best friends. I even tried to bring Maksim Chmerkovskiy into the conversashe. Seconds later, some dude from Jacksonville got involved too.








All of a sudden, I was in a ménage a tweet with the Jaguars kicker and a guy named "BareFootMike09." Was BareFootMike also a kicker? Was he a Tony Franklin fan? Does anyone get that reference? Instead of responding to him, I decided to open up the conversation to my friend Feddd and his two fantasy kickers.









I sat and waited. No response.

Nothin' from Scobee.

Nothin' from Feddd.

Nothin' from David Akers.

Feddd was convinced Scobes had blocked me.

I figured I'd keep going.














Still nothin'.

And so ended my relationship with Josh Sklobee.

The best friend I've ever had in my life.

Scobee's new best friend ... Man, f*ck that Jaguar.

Josh Scobee had three, yep THREE, 50 yard field goals last night in a win against the Ravens. If TVMWW means anything to you, PLEASE TWEET JOSH SCOBEE here and tell him to be a guest interviewee on my blog. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this really dope Scooby Doo costume.


12 comments:

  1. I'm going to go ahead and assume that your references to people's "dumb babies" was NOT directed toward me :)

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  2. Is this Melissa Gorga?

    I love your baby Melissa. Almost as much as I love cereal.*

    *It's not even fu*king close. I love cereal so much more than your baby. Even Mueslix. And that stuff stucks.

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  3. Way to play it cool there shooting Scobs three unreplied messages in a row, Evster. I think you're on the right track here. Keep hounding people. Woof woof!

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  4. I love cereal too, so we're cool.

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  5. Best blog/story from TVMWW to date....

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  6. He was kicking with anger thinking of the tens of people who read those unreturned tweets.

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  7. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is honestly so good.

    DID Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS SEND SCOBES A TWEET YET?!

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  8. I CAN NOT BELIEVE HE HASN'T BLOCKED YOU YET. HE CAN KICK A FOOTBALL A MILLION FEET AND HE HAS TO COME HOME AND READ THIS BOX OF SHIT? THIS WAS MY FAVORITE COLUMN EVER ON THIS BLOG.

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  9. ya'll must not be from Jacksonville! Lol we have some of the most humble and down to earth NFL players in the league :) a lot of them are actively involved in our community, the Weavers are all about giving back. It's pretty cool! hope you get your interview lol

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  10. HERE IN ILLADELPH, WE DON'T WANT ATHLETES WHO GIVE BACK ... WE WANT ATHLETES TO CONCUSS PEOPLE.

    We do appreciate a guy who can kick a football in another person's face though!

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  11. I AM FROM PHILADELPHIA AND I DO LIKE ATHLETES WHO GIVE BACK AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE CONCUSSED SORRY FOR YELLING.

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  12. Evster's Note: It's now one month after Tweetapalooza and Scobes has gotten himself into a Twitter feud with Desean Jackson!!

    Scobes can suck my crank!

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