Friday, October 14, 2011

Great Moments in Bachelorette History: Ed Wears the Shortest Shorts Ever

Grainiest picture ever? Probably for the best.


After announcing last week that I would be blogging about the Real Housewives of Beverly Clearly every week, a person named Anonymous posted this in TVMWW's comments section:

"Looking forward to the Bach"

Now some bloggers might've taken this to mean, "Hey, love reading your blog. Looking forward to the Bach and reading about it here. Smell ya later."

But I took it to mean, "Hey, I don't care if you write about Welcome Back Kotter, I'm not reading this sham of a website. Looking forward to the Bach in January. Take a shit."

So seeing as this blog gets twice as many hits during Bach season as it does during the off-season, it's time to wrangle those readers back in with Great Moments in Bachelorette History.


Seconds after this picture was taken, this kangaroo blasted Kiptyn right in the tit.


The Season: I dunno, twelve? Does the Bachelorette even have numbered seasons?

The Bachelorette: Jillian. I guess I should've just written, "Season: Jillian."

What Happened?: Ed Wore the Shortest Shorts Ever

Quote Muttered in Front of a TV Somewhere: "Yo, your boy better have brought some extra sunscreen."

Background: This was the season where Wes weaseled his way into the final four -- going on the show FOR THE WRONG REASONS -- and secretly promoted his album the entire time. My wife couldn't stand him, not because he was a jerk, but because she was convinced that he had gotten botox injections in his forehead (and ya gotta admit, this guy had a VERY smooth forehead). After Wes was booted, Jillian was left to choose from Kiptyn, Reid Rosenthal (real name! real Jew!) and Ed who had come back just a week before to see if he and Jillian had "something." It was probably the least shocking return in the history of television, not because it wasn't shocking -- it was -- but because no one really remembered who the hell Ed was.

You see, Ed was never really relevant. He was a bit boring, a bit stiff and was pretty much a total snooze. So when he came back to her, no one thought the big fella had a chance.

Nice jacknife. Kinda looks like he might bash his head on the side of the pool though? Also, how clean is that pool?! 

And then ...

The Moment: He broke out the shorts.

If my memory serves me correctly (and I seriously have NO IDEA), I kinda remember Daddy Long Legs breaking out his shorts on a group date boat ride and just hopping aboard like it ain't no thang. He was showing A LOTTA thigh and his legs looked like two long, smooth sticks of butter. Just two long, oiled up, smooth sticks of butter that someone had dropped into a pile of hair and attached feet to.

And the amazing thing was, no one really called him on it! How did one of the other guys not say, "Yo dude, it's nice to see you and all, and I admire you for not shaving your chest, that's a bold move in itself, but those are the shortest mothereffing shorts I've ever seen. Seriously, no man has worn trunks that short since 19 ought 6. Did you get those from Jim Thorpe? Seriously, check the back of those jawns -- is "Thorpe" written on the tag? Is the tag made of burlap? Did clothes even have tags back then? How much does the burlap itch? Be honest."

Everyone just sort of went with it!

And so did Jillian.

Where is he swinging to? 

I'd give Mark Aguirre a rose. Also, how dirty are Ralph's sneaks?

My wife is convinced that Ed's short shorts were what vaulted him above the other contestants. I mean, here was a man who was confident enough -- so confident in fact -- that he was prancing around like Kermit the Motherfuckin' Frog. And he did it at a time when no one was wearing short shorts. Not even Christiano Ronaldo.

And I gotta admit ... I kinda liked 'em!

You gotta remember that dudes these days grew up during the Fab Five era and baggy shorts are like peanut butter and jellz -- a staple. In fact, some people (like myself) have an actual sickness where we look in the mirror and never feel like our shorts are never baggy enough. It's like we're anorexic for baggy shorts. I even once bought a pair of capris and tried to pretend they were just baggy shorts. And I'm not even yoking! Looking back, I was way ahead of my time. I have no doubt that Christiano Ronaldo has some capris in his wardrobe.

Of course, Ed and Jillian fell in love, got engaged and then broke up. Maybe Jillian got tired of seeing his hairy thighs. Maybe he got sick of showing off his balls. But respect due, big Ed. Respect due.

I bet John Stockton's wife is hot as a mug.

This picture was taken in 2008.
How is this even possible?!?! Total Ram Sergeant. 
Amazing picture on so many levels. Also, how great does Mariah's hair look here?

I'm thinking of replying to some reader emails and comments in a post soon. So send in your thoughts or IT questions to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. Orrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this ridiculous video of a guy throwing a frisbee into basketball hoops. Orrrrrrrr, read some older posts from Great Momes in Bach History. 

8 comments:

  1. How could you leave out the fact that Ed COULDN'T GET IT UP in the fantasy suite?!! That probably deserves a post all to itself.

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  2. TOTALLY forgot about that!

    This blog is a sham!

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  3. "Just two long, oiled up, smooth sticks of butter that someone had dropped into a pile of hair and attached feet to." Now THAT is hardball journalism. Bravo.

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  4. Why no more DWTS posts? This season NEEDS commentary!

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  5. Second person this week who asked for DWTS ... blog post in the works!

    I can't believe two people even read this blog!

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  6. OMFG, ROTFL! We called him "soft Ed" all season long - even before he couldn't get it up. That butterball!

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