Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween Seems Like a Good Day to Get Divorced from Kris Humf

I actually always thought the Groucho kid kinda sucked.

How 'bout some costumes from some of our favorite celebs!

Demi Moore!

Demi Moore again!

Darryl Doggington

 The Brent Master General

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Chaz Bono's Girlfriend - Jennifer Elia

I do not have one undershirt that is even CLOSE to as white as that one Chaz is wearing.

Look, I'm all for transgender stuff and gay rights and sons/daughters of celebrities getting to be on Dancing With the Stars, but SOMEONE NEEDS TO DISCUSS THIS WHOLE CHAZ BONO HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND SHE'S KIND OF HOT THING.

So let's take a look at Jennifer Elia, not to be confused with former Phillies manager, Lee Elia.

Not quite sure what's going on here, but it looks as if Chaz-Bo is running for mayor. I've honestly never seen anyone happier to introduce his girlfriend to someone in my life. "Oh this? This is nothing, JUST MY REALLY HOT GIRLFRIEND THAT I BROUGHT WITH ME TONIGHT. Not that big of a deal. Just my GIRLFRIEND. That I'm here with. I'm Chaz Bono, running in the 17th district. For Deputy Dilds."

Here we get a glimpse into Jennifer's life away from Chaz -- a relaxed woman just out and about running errands. Notice the cutoff sweats and bare feet, showing that she's easy going and outdoorsy. Or it could also be a sign that she's trying to score some Crystal Meth.

When you're dating the son/daughter of a famous celebrity, sometimes you get to go out to fancy events. Here, it looks like Chaz has taken her to ... wait a minute ... is that Kumar in the background? That's Kumar in the background, isn't it? And I do acknowledge that if that's not Kumar, then that statement is sort of racist, but that's definitely Kumar! Anyway, Jennifer's bra is showing. Which is nice.

Yeah, this is a totally normal picture. Just Sonny and Cher's transgender son/daughter with his girlfriend and Meatloaf and some lady who I presume is Mrs. Meatloaf and who has a massive space between her yam-yams. Or is that the def lady who was on the Apprentice? You know who I'm talking about, Marla something. I wanna say Marla Maples, but it's definitely not Marla Maples.

This is Marla Maples -- doing something very strange, but very erotic. Possibly next week's Wednesday Wifey?

Other times when you're dating the son/daughter/Meatloaf's best friend, you have to run through the airport trying to avoid Adrian Peterson. Is All Day AP trying to take their picture? If you were a part of the paparazzi, would you wear a Vikings jersey? Nice midriff on Jennifer. There's so many duffel bags in this picture.

Running through airports is exhausting. That's why Chaz-Bo is holding THE BIGGEST WATER BOTTLE EVER.


I honestly don't know why we're focusing this Wednesday's Wifey on some lady who nobody cares about when the Cher-Bonos are honestly the strangest family ever. How good does Cher look here? And yes I'm aware that Sonny's mustache is unmatched.

Uhhhh, where do you even start in this picture? These are actual people! And Cher looks so angry. And why is Chaz smiling SO happily? And is that even Chaz? And how soft is that carpet?!

I need to stop this. I need to just end this week's Wednesday Wifey. I can't believe how attracted to Cher I'm becoming. And how Sonny Bono is pretty much the exact person I want to be in this world. Also, I got four hours sleep last night. I need to get off this computer ... now.

For NPR in Washington, I'm Lackshmi Singh.

Yo, did you tweet Josh Scobee yet and tell him to be interviewed by TVMWW? Do it now. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture of a pig staring you right in your dumb face.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My Conversation on Twitter with Jaguars Kicker, Josh Scobee

This guy's arms are completely hairless. 

It makes no sense why people are still using Facebork instead of Twitter.

Facebork users claim they "just don't get Twitter" and can't figure out what a #hashtag is. They also love looking at pictures of other people's dumb babies ... which quite frankly is ... BORRRIIINNNGGG.

I guess I understand the initial confusion -- but like every great invention, Twitty Twang just takes some getting used to. I mean, imagine what the guy who invented cereal had to go through while he was introducing it to people.

"So hold up, you've taken pieces of cinnamon toast and put them into a bowl? And now you're gonna pour milk all over 'em and eat it with some sort of scooping device? This is insane. How does the toast even fit into the bowl?"

"No no no, they're not actual pieces of toast, they're kind of cut up and then ..."

"But the toast is gonna get so soggy. The whole point of toast is the crunch."

"Right, right, but this ..."

"And the milk's gonna spill all over the place. Cinnamon toast in a bowl? How big is this bowl we're talking about?"

"Wait, just listen ..."

"Ehhh, I can't be bothered with this, pass me my gruel."

That toast's tongue is honestly so long. 

I personally love Twitter. I follow comedians who make fun of stuff, sports columnists who link to articles and Coco who tweets pictures of her buffalo boobs. I also get to give my readers an inside glimpse as to what actually goes on inside TVMWW's living room. And did I mention the buffalo boobs?

Another great thing about Twitter is that it gives you a direct line to Kardashians celebrities. You can tweet whatever you want right to them (and they may or may not tweet you back). I actually tweeted this brilliant business idea right to Kim Kardash:

Unfortunately, Kim didn't respond (she has over 10 million followers), but that didn't dissuade me from later tweeting to the entire Wu Tang Clan (and Kenny Powers and Diane Sawyer) after my friend Drake found a potato that looked exactly like the Wu Tang "W."

Look at that potato! That's a real potato!

Once again, no response.

But last week, when I noticed that Jacksonville Jaguars kicker, Josh Scobee (a backup on my fantasy team) was answering tweets from fans while I happened to be sitting in front of the computer, I figured I'd send him a shout.

Minutes later, Scobee wrote back:

For those of you who are absolute idiots not on Twitter, what Scobes did there was pasted my message in quotes and then responded at the end. 

I was thrilled. 

Granted, Scobles gave a very generic, football player-type answer, but at least he had responded! I shared my excitement with my wife and she got very upset. 

"That's mean! He's an actual person and you're saying that Seabass is better than him. Apologize."

Now, my wife doesn't understand that Sebastian Janikowski is the preeminent kicker in the NFL (and has the left foot of a Polish assassin), and Scoobee (and every other kicker) knows and accepts that. She also didn't understand that the only reason I drafted Scobee was because his last name is Scobee.

Now, that was a response. And not just some dumb response -- Scobee was now implying that my wife had a thing for him and that I had a thing for Janikowski. Scobee instantly became my third favorite football player ever (behind Reggie White and that fat guy from Wildcats).

No one represents my fantasy team like Seabass.

At this point, Scobington and I were pretty much best friends. I even tried to bring Maksim Chmerkovskiy into the conversashe. Seconds later, some dude from Jacksonville got involved too.

All of a sudden, I was in a ménage a tweet with the Jaguars kicker and a guy named "BareFootMike09." Was BareFootMike also a kicker? Was he a Tony Franklin fan? Does anyone get that reference? Instead of responding to him, I decided to open up the conversation to my friend Feddd and his two fantasy kickers.

I sat and waited. No response.

Nothin' from Scobee.

Nothin' from Feddd.

Nothin' from David Akers.

Feddd was convinced Scobes had blocked me.

I figured I'd keep going.

Still nothin'.

And so ended my relationship with Josh Sklobee.

The best friend I've ever had in my life.

Scobee's new best friend ... Man, f*ck that Jaguar.

Josh Scobee had three, yep THREE, 50 yard field goals last night in a win against the Ravens. If TVMWW means anything to you, PLEASE TWEET JOSH SCOBEE here and tell him to be a guest interviewee on my blog. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this really dope Scooby Doo costume.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wednesday's (almost) Wifey: Karina Smirnoff from Dancing With the Stars

I want to eat a pastrami sandwich off her back!

This past week, DWTS' sultry Ukranian, Karina Smirnoff, postponed her wedding with fiance and Detroit Tigers' pitcher Brad Penny. Karina claims everything is cool -- she's just crazy busy filming DWTS and arching her back in ways that no human or lizard could ever possibly imagine -- but I'm not so sure.

She might have cold feet. She might be holding onto an old flame. Or she might have Brad Penny on her fantasy team. 5.30 ERA?!?! C'mon Bradley! Last in the league!

So let's get to the bottom of her dripping wet, incredibly sweaty underwear this, and see if we can figure out anything from looking at pictures of her dating history.

Here she is with LITERALLY the worst pitcher in baseball. Wow, shocking that she postponed the wedding. "Hi there, I'm an incredibly limber, exotic Ukranian dancer, and this is my husband, Captain Board Shorts."

Here's Karina's ex-boyfriend, MARIO FUCKING LOPEZ. Starting to maybe think that Brad was the one who postponed the wedding. ALSO, HOW FAR DOWN HAS AC SLATES TUCKED IN THAT JERSEY? ... "Holding on number 17, no wait, number 13, no wait, holding on number, dude, does anyone know this guy's number? It looks like, is that a 7? No idea. Holding on Captain Jerry Curl, AC Green. Holding on The Virgin. 10 yards from the spot of the, JESUS CHRIST, is your jersey tucked into your butt crack, young man? Be honest!"

Now there's a man. Maksim Chmerkovskiy -- who my wife friggin' LOVES -- and who I have a very hard time spelling his name without googling. I honestly can't fault my wife, I like Maks. And how 'bout the triple unbutton job? Karina looks like she's in love (with his c*ck!).

Here's a 280 pound flouder hanging a curve ball to THE TANNEST, HOTTEST CHICK EVER. What kinda coach is Penny? TWO HANDS ON THAT BALL SMIRNOFF!

I mean, that's pass interference, right? What are these guys teaching her? And why the freak is Slates having a football toss when CLEARLY she's trying to get pregnant?

See, this guy knows what he's doing. While those other idiots are playing catch, Maks is showing Karina how to putt from the rough. Look how much fun she's having (and how Maks is resting his putter on his boner).

This looks like an exciting post-beach meal. "Honey, I'm thinking about ordering some clams casino. Or maybe I'll just have some crackers. What are you having? Oh, water. That's cool. Also, thanks for dressing up."

That's a nip-shot folks! That's a nip-shot! And what's Mario doing? Closing his eyes, holding his breath and denying entry! What the freak, Slates?!?! Why aren't you sucking on that titty? That titty is just sitting there begging to be sucked! Sucking titties is innate! I'll suck a titty right now! I'll honestly suck a titty RIGHT NOW. I don't even care whose titty. I'll honestly suck any titty, anywhere. IT'S IN MY NATURE.

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING! This picture is also sort-of incredibly erotic! Why is this blog always about sex?!?! ... I NEVER INTEND IT TO BE!


Are you telling me this lady's not ready for some Goulash?!?


"These are really good crackers. And that's an awesome shirt, honey. Hendo. That's cool. I don't want any of your water, it's fine. Not that thirsty."

Matching pants?!

That's actually the coolest he's ever looked.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: I Don't Know How Much More of This I Can Take

It's actually not a horrible picture of her.

Two weeks ago, I took an oath (not an oath) that every week I'd blog about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But folks, I don't know if I can do it.

For one, I have a really hard time concentrating on the show because I'm constantly distracted by the ladies' plastic surgery. I feel like I'm watching a sci-fi murder mystery.

Me:  Okay, who's that lady again? Is she the one who poured acid all over her face and needed reconstructive surgery?

My Wife:  No, that's Adrienne Maloof. She's just a bit insecure and had a bit of work done.

Me:  Oh. And who's that one? Is she the lady whose face got chewed off by a dog?

My Wife:  No, that's Taylor. She's just had a rough life, you know, spousal abuse, eating disorder, husband hung himself.

Me:  Right. And that lady there? She's the meth addict? The one whose face is actually made of cowhide?

My Wife:  No, that's an egg salad sandwich.

Google image search: "Woman with egg salad sandwich."

But more troubling than their mangled faces is the fact that I don't agree with anything they're ever talking about. The way they look at life is completely mind boggling and it just makes me angry. For example:

During an argument this week, two ladies were ganging up on another lady and they were all calling each other "bitches." Then, the two ladies started saying that the other lady was a bad mother, and not a "bad mother" like homeboys used to say back in the day, like, "Yo, did you see Moses Malone last night? 14 offensive rebounds? That bull is one bad mother." More like, "You're a bad mother because you don't know how to look after children." Regardless, eventually the two mean ladies had ENOUGH and called the other lady a "slut" and a "whore."

Now, here's the thing ... how is that an insult?

Since when is it bad for a chick to be a slut or a whore?

I love sluts.

In fact, most men, ... no ... ALL MEN love sluts, and when we find out that a girl is slutty, we instantly like her ten times more.

This picture is so fake, but still so amazing.

For egggggsssssample:

There's this chick that I work with who's kind of annoying and kind of dumb, but I recently found out that she loves having her hair pulled while getting whaledonged, soooooo, I now sort of enjoy talking to her at the water cooler. I'm not saying I want to sleep with her! (My wife reads this) I'm just saying that if I had to choose one co-worker to play ping pong with, I'd probably choose her (or this other lady who's into light drowning).

Think about it!

Who are the three most famous women in the world? Madonna (slut), Sarah Palin (slizzut) and Jane Fonda (ripping slut). The only tolerable chicks on these stupid TV shows that my wife watches play sluts: Samantha from Sex and the Cits, Tiffani Amber Thiessen from 90210 and Jane Pauley from Slutline NBC.

Still not convinced? Try setting up any of your guy friends with a chick. This'll be the conversashe:

Dude:  So what's her deal?

You:  Oh, she's nice, really sweet. Hasn't had too many boyfriends though, I think she's only been with four dudes.

Dude:  Ehhhhh, no thanks. Anyone else?

You:  Well I work with this girl who's always talking about rape fantasies.

Dude:  Bing bong! What's her number?

The bottom line is that if any of these women on RHOBH are as ambitious to get famous as we think they are, they better start slutting it up. And they better start doing something, because I don't know how much more of this I can take. I do know however that there are some other sluts just waiting in the wings, ready to get impregnated by NFL defensive lineman.

Real Housewives of Atlanta comes back November 3rd.

Bing bong!

So this is a normal picture.

Had some absolutely insane apple cider last week. I recommend that every TVMWW fan goes out and gets some. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr just check out this picture of a dog sleeping.