Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sister Wives: AKA 1,000 Words That No One Will Ever Possibly Read

A lotta patterns going on in those sweaters in the back row.

Sundee night's season premiere of Sister Wives pulled a 0.7 Nielsen rating, which means that if I have 500 loyal readers, approximately one reader's left earlobe watched the show.

So here's a quick synopsis about the TLC program: Sister Wives follows around a polygamist dude (with a terrible haircut and aversion to sunscreen) and his four wives and their 3,000 children. That's really all you need to know. If you need more information, you can read this 1,000 word post that I wrote about SW last Spring that even I didn't read.

For the record, that's what I'm calling Sister Wives now, "SW." Although every time I write "SW" I think of "SWV", quite possibly the greatest recording group in the history of music. So maybe I'll call it something else. I guess you'll have to keep reading to find out.

I'm honestly amazed that you're still reading, so let me just stop and say "thank you." The fact that you're still reading really says something about your loyalty to TVMWW. Or maybe you're just a huge SWV fan and are hoping for some updates on the group throughout the post (one of the ladies married Eddie George!). Now's probably a good time to mention that my wife DOES NOT think that SWV are that great, showing that she not only has terrible taste in reality television, but also in music and erotica.

Yeah, I'm just gonna straddle this giant barrel. Is that all right?

Back to Law and Order: SV, where Season 2 seems to be all about the children - who along with the family were forced to flee Utah amid a scandal and lawsuit for the much calmer waters of LAS VEGAS. And this of course makes total sense, because if you were to move your morally conscious and churchgoing family away from trouble, YOU'D OBVIOUSLY MOVE THEM TO LAS VEGAS - a city where you can literally pay a woman to have sex with you.

Now I must admit, I've only been to Vegas once and it didn't really count because I was 15 and with my family, but I still feel qualified to speak on the subject because I'm an EXPERT at paying for sex. In fact, my wife and I play a little nightly game called "Pay Me For Sex" where I give her money and she has sex with me. IT'S REALLY FUN but she has also wiped out both my bank account and my ability to naturally produce a boner.

To make their transition easier, the polygamist family gathered all of their children together and expressed that they wanted them to join a youth group at a local church. But then one of the wives started crying and one of the kids objected (and to be honest, I wasn't really paying attention because I was trying scrounge up some change to support my sex habit). So instead, the parents threw their kids a good ole fashioned pool party with some of their new friends from PUBLIC SCHOOL. This allowed the viewers a glimpse into how hard it must be to be a teenager raised by a group of polygamists in Las Vegas.

Now, when you're a super popular blogger with a blog that Texas Longhorn cheerleaders link to, you have to be careful when blogging about children. It's not their fault that their parents put them on these shows, so it's not really fair to go after them ... BUTTTTTTTTTTT, there was this one kid who during the party stayed up in his room the entire time playing computer games. He didn't come down once. Didn't eat any Cheetos, didn't sniff any public school girls, just stayed in his room conquering magical lands with magical trolls. This was also the same kid who did not want to join the youth group and expressed himself by shaking his head and muttering something undecipherable. Oh, he was also sitting on the floor because their living room can't accommodate 3,000 family members.

And I don't blame the kid!

Obviously, as a 34 year old blogger who has to pay for sex, I would've joined the party and paid women for sex. But as a teenager, I woulda been just as scared as he was.

At my first ever co-ed sleepover in 5th grade, when it was time to go to bed, I climbed into my sleeping bag and took off my pants (THINKING WE WERE GOING TO SLEEP). Minutes later, around 17 flashlights came on and everyone wanted to play Truth or Dare. I didn't participate, partially because I was scared but mostly because I was just in my tightie-whities. So I pretended to go to sleep until Karen Durkowitz was dared to climb into my sleeping bag with me. OH HAYYY-LLLL NO. A compromise was reached and she laid on top of my sleeping bag while I shuddered in my underwear. I was also REALLY warm.

This poor kid is going to have a really hard time finding himself in Sin City, but I'm really excited to watch SW this year. Then again, maybe he'll find his niche. Despite the debauchery, methamphetamines and the whole paying for sex thing, I guess Vegas does have a history of some family-friendly activities available.

Just Whoopi Goldberg standing with a giant shark. That's all. 

The UNLV Runnin' Rebels of the early 90's were certainly wholesome. It was probably great fun to take the kids to see a good ole fashioned basketball game filled with great sportsmanship and men who have probably never had to pay for sex EVER. Plus, their mascot was A SHARK - A GIANT STUFFED SHARK - after their coach's nickname, "Tark the Shark." Do you realize how amazing that is? That's like if the Boston Celtics ditched that whole leprechaun guy and had a giant stuffed doctor running around during time-outs. Vegas was also home to the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (G.L.O.S.W.V) who taught little girls across the world that some Japanese women are VERY overweight.  And then of course there's the whole paying women for sex thing.

Hmm, come to think of it, maybe raising a family in Vegas isn't such a bad idea. Sure, most young girls end up smoking meth and charging men for sex, but there's probably some people raised there who went on to live happy, wholesome lives.

Like Andre Agassi.

Or Jenna Jameson.

It's way too fucking hot there, isn't it?!?!

Last Friday on Twitter, I gave away a FREE TVMWW t-shirt. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. Follow TVMWW here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this picture of a hot dog coated in french fries.


  1. Coed sleepovers in 5th grade? Outrageous!

  2. Ev, here's how much I love you. I am in Bristol (that's in the UK) reading your blog blog. can you believe that I am so either cool or uncool? keep up the fine commentary.
    love kougs

  3. The co-ed sleepover caused a big stir at Merion School, although my parents (being Jewish and liberal) were totally fine with it. Not sure about @fredfrinks though, he might've stayed home that night watching The Neverending Story for the 37th time.

  4. And Sheryl, I think it's time you re-evaluated your life ... and sent me $$$ for all this free cross-continental entertainment!