Friday, September 2, 2011

The Bachelor: Is Ben F. Really the Best Choice?

The Ol' Dirty Bastard wouldn't have worn that stupid helmet.

Last week, buried underneath headlines reporting on an earthquake, a hurricane and the death of Kris Humphries, ABC revealed their choice for the new Bach: Ben F. The decision was hardly surprising - Ben F. is exactly what ABC wants: he's emotional, has the chest of a granite countertop, and his mother and sister are the scariest mother / sister combo since the Judds. For the record, I actually thought BOTH Judds were totally hot (especially the older one) and I'm not yoking. The only thing that really jumped out at me regarding the announcement is that Ben's last name is FLAJNIK.

Although I understand ABC's decisj - and respect it, AND RESPECT IT - I feel like they're totally missing out on a golden opportunity here. Why not have the show's first Black Bach?

It's 2011 and our country is ready for a Black Bach. Geez, we already have a black speed skater! A Black Bach would give this show exactly what it needs: SOME F*CKING BACKBONE AND A GUY WHO COULD PROBABLY DUNK ON YOUR NECK.

What the HELL is up with his right arm?

Still not convinced? consider this:

Women LOVE Black Men

This is an indisputable FACT. My wife emits the most unbelievable and indescribable noises any time Dwight Howard and his rhinoceros shoulders step to the free throw line. Despite my vast array of Norwegian sexual maneuvers, I have never been able to get her to replicate these sounds in our bedroom. She also has a thing for University of Alabama head coach Anthony Grant, simply because a few years ago during the tournament, he filled out an oxford shirt like no white, Jewish blogger has ever done before or since. Think about the hashtags that will fly when the Black Bach takes off his shirt to go swimming in Turks and Caicos ....... provided he can swim ......... #Racist!

I've never seen a nicer, cleaner shirt.
Black People are MUCH MUCH MUCH Cooler than White People

Ask anyone who the coolest person they've ever met is and they'll say something like, My old roommate Cornelius ... this guy Cliff who works at my gym and has an amazing gap in his teeth ... this lady Big Kim who works in my office and has a tattoo of a rose and thorns on her thigh with the words, "I WILL CUT YOU."

And then there's Tyrese, D-Wade, Chris Johnson, Shaq, anyone who ever wore an air-brushed jacket, The Ol' Dirty Bastard, Raj from What's Happenin', Dolemite, and on and on and on. The Black Bach will provide an aura of suave that no dude named Brad or Jake or FLAJ could possibly bring to the table.

Nobody Likes White People

I swear, if one more white dude in my office building's elevator says to me, "Heyyy, looks like we're on the local," I'm going to cut them. In fact, my friend Dick Dog has been chastising me for the past week after I drafted Peyton Hillis and Wes Welker back-to-back in our fantasy football draft. And I can't blame him! What am I doing?!?! Joe Flacco?

Of course, white people did invent soccer (no idea if this is true) - which I love - and we all know that European white dudes don't count as regular white dudes (see: Dirk Nowitzki, Russell Brand and Kathy's husband Rich from Real Housewives of New Jerz).

What the FREAK, dude?!?! C'mon!
For the Naysayers - aka racist white people - who aren't ready to have their pristine, PB&J, clammed-out gem of a TV show turn into Basketball Wives Part Deux, I have a compromise. What if the 30 eligible bachelorettes were:

- 12 light-skinned (half and half'ers)
- 6 actual whities (or a "half-a-dozen glazed" if you're at Dunkin Dones)
- 6 black (nothing necessary in these parenthesis)

That way, you've still got a 75% chance of having a white woman win (because light-skinned women are essentially white) and you've still got 6 more women to choose 'cause that's only 24 ladies! Six more Puerto Ricans please!


Actually, let's break down light-skinned folks, because nobody REALLY considers them to be a mix of races, do they?

Blake Griffin = black
Jason Kidd = black
The Gumbel brothers = WHITE
Derek Jeter = ????

Hmmmmmm, Jeets seems to be the perfect mix. A good athlete (#racist!), really cool (sorta), but a little dorky (as evidenced by his high-top fade circa 1996-2009).

Boom! There's your new Bachelor, ABC!

Imagine the ratings!!!

And Jeets can DEFINITELY swim.

#NotSureActually ........ #Racist!


Besides promoting Facebork and Twitty Twang, is there really any other reason for this little blurb down here? The answer is Yes, to show you a picture of the most erotic banjo band ever.


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