Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sister Wives: AKA 1,000 Words That No One Will Ever Possibly Read

A lotta patterns going on in those sweaters in the back row.

Sundee night's season premiere of Sister Wives pulled a 0.7 Nielsen rating, which means that if I have 500 loyal readers, approximately one reader's left earlobe watched the show.

So here's a quick synopsis about the TLC program: Sister Wives follows around a polygamist dude (with a terrible haircut and aversion to sunscreen) and his four wives and their 3,000 children. That's really all you need to know. If you need more information, you can read this 1,000 word post that I wrote about SW last Spring that even I didn't read.

For the record, that's what I'm calling Sister Wives now, "SW." Although every time I write "SW" I think of "SWV", quite possibly the greatest recording group in the history of music. So maybe I'll call it something else. I guess you'll have to keep reading to find out.

I'm honestly amazed that you're still reading, so let me just stop and say "thank you." The fact that you're still reading really says something about your loyalty to TVMWW. Or maybe you're just a huge SWV fan and are hoping for some updates on the group throughout the post (one of the ladies married Eddie George!). Now's probably a good time to mention that my wife DOES NOT think that SWV are that great, showing that she not only has terrible taste in reality television, but also in music and erotica.

Yeah, I'm just gonna straddle this giant barrel. Is that all right?

Back to Law and Order: SV, where Season 2 seems to be all about the children - who along with the family were forced to flee Utah amid a scandal and lawsuit for the much calmer waters of LAS VEGAS. And this of course makes total sense, because if you were to move your morally conscious and churchgoing family away from trouble, YOU'D OBVIOUSLY MOVE THEM TO LAS VEGAS - a city where you can literally pay a woman to have sex with you.

Now I must admit, I've only been to Vegas once and it didn't really count because I was 15 and with my family, but I still feel qualified to speak on the subject because I'm an EXPERT at paying for sex. In fact, my wife and I play a little nightly game called "Pay Me For Sex" where I give her money and she has sex with me. IT'S REALLY FUN but she has also wiped out both my bank account and my ability to naturally produce a boner.

To make their transition easier, the polygamist family gathered all of their children together and expressed that they wanted them to join a youth group at a local church. But then one of the wives started crying and one of the kids objected (and to be honest, I wasn't really paying attention because I was trying scrounge up some change to support my sex habit). So instead, the parents threw their kids a good ole fashioned pool party with some of their new friends from PUBLIC SCHOOL. This allowed the viewers a glimpse into how hard it must be to be a teenager raised by a group of polygamists in Las Vegas.

Now, when you're a super popular blogger with a blog that Texas Longhorn cheerleaders link to, you have to be careful when blogging about children. It's not their fault that their parents put them on these shows, so it's not really fair to go after them ... BUTTTTTTTTTTT, there was this one kid who during the party stayed up in his room the entire time playing computer games. He didn't come down once. Didn't eat any Cheetos, didn't sniff any public school girls, just stayed in his room conquering magical lands with magical trolls. This was also the same kid who did not want to join the youth group and expressed himself by shaking his head and muttering something undecipherable. Oh, he was also sitting on the floor because their living room can't accommodate 3,000 family members.

And I don't blame the kid!

Obviously, as a 34 year old blogger who has to pay for sex, I would've joined the party and paid women for sex. But as a teenager, I woulda been just as scared as he was.

At my first ever co-ed sleepover in 5th grade, when it was time to go to bed, I climbed into my sleeping bag and took off my pants (THINKING WE WERE GOING TO SLEEP). Minutes later, around 17 flashlights came on and everyone wanted to play Truth or Dare. I didn't participate, partially because I was scared but mostly because I was just in my tightie-whities. So I pretended to go to sleep until Karen Durkowitz was dared to climb into my sleeping bag with me. OH HAYYY-LLLL NO. A compromise was reached and she laid on top of my sleeping bag while I shuddered in my underwear. I was also REALLY warm.

This poor kid is going to have a really hard time finding himself in Sin City, but I'm really excited to watch SW this year. Then again, maybe he'll find his niche. Despite the debauchery, methamphetamines and the whole paying for sex thing, I guess Vegas does have a history of some family-friendly activities available.

Just Whoopi Goldberg standing with a giant shark. That's all. 

The UNLV Runnin' Rebels of the early 90's were certainly wholesome. It was probably great fun to take the kids to see a good ole fashioned basketball game filled with great sportsmanship and men who have probably never had to pay for sex EVER. Plus, their mascot was A SHARK - A GIANT STUFFED SHARK - after their coach's nickname, "Tark the Shark." Do you realize how amazing that is? That's like if the Boston Celtics ditched that whole leprechaun guy and had a giant stuffed doctor running around during time-outs. Vegas was also home to the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (G.L.O.S.W.V) who taught little girls across the world that some Japanese women are VERY overweight.  And then of course there's the whole paying women for sex thing.

Hmm, come to think of it, maybe raising a family in Vegas isn't such a bad idea. Sure, most young girls end up smoking meth and charging men for sex, but there's probably some people raised there who went on to live happy, wholesome lives.

Like Andre Agassi.

Or Jenna Jameson.

It's way too fucking hot there, isn't it?!?!

Last Friday on Twitter, I gave away a FREE TVMWW t-shirt. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. Follow TVMWW here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this picture of a hot dog coated in french fries.

Friday, September 23, 2011

New Sitcom: Republican Presidential Candidates Debate

Of course the black dude goes with the double-breasted!

There's this new sitcom on Fox News called Republican Presidential Candidates Debate that is absolutely hysterical!

The main premise of the show is: there's this group of dudes (and one chick) and they stand on a stage and just say outrageous things. It's really simple, but it's brilliant!

And there are all sorts of funny characters.

The main guys are these two total douchers - one's from Texas, the other's from Massachusetts - and they come up with crazy ideas like, "Hey, I'm gonna put a fence up on the entire southern border to keep Mexicans out!" or "Hey, teachers should be evaluated on their students' test scores!" or "Honestly, I don't care what happens, let's just get that black guy outta office!"


Then there's this guy named Rick - THIS GUY IS GREAT - who performs the entire show with a giant frog jammed inside his asshole. He also hates gay people. HE'S HILARIOUS.

This picture looks normal.

And then they also have the crotchety old guy who they never let speak, and the hilarious black dude who used to own a pizza chain, and some crazy lady who raised around 37 children and is now incapable of delivering a rational thought.

Anyway, I highly recommend checking this show out. The next airing is Tuesday, October 11.

So I found this on the internet.

I'm sure this conversation went realllllly well.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Michelle Lewis - Folk Singer and Top Chef Wannabe


A local Chevy dealership recently gave my blogger buddy Thad (who I've never met) a Camaro for a week so he could drive around, eat food and blog about how awesome the car was. A win-win situashe. Thad gets a car (a yellow one!) and Chevy gets some nice advertising.

So a few weeks ago, when I got this email from my friend Michelle - a folk singer from Boston - I jumped at the opportunity to sell myself out.

"I have a business proposal for you: make me Wednesday's Wifey and help me got some promosh for my new album and video that I just dropped, and in exchange I'll cook you a duck confit leg."


And so I present to you, this Wednesday's Wifey: Michelle Lewis.

As a folk singer, it's very important for Michelle to sing about actual feelings and stuff, which is why I find it kind of disturbing that all of her songs are about spousal abuse. Seriously, this lady's music is DEPRESSING - but then again, it's also kind of sweet. Sort of like Lindsay Lohan making out with her mother.

Regardless, hearing my opinion about a lady who sings about emotions isn't gonna help you get to know her. The best way to judge Michelle is through her music by looking at a bunch of her pictures on Facebook.

Boom! Throw it out there Michelle! That's the kind of attitude I want my depressing folk singers to have. "Here's my chest and I am NOT wearing a belt." Michelle, if that doesn't get some of my pathetic male readers to buy a couple albums, then I don't know what will.

Double boom! The jacket is OFF and now we're doing yoga! And is she touching herself here? This is honestly amazing. Tracy Chapman never took photos like this. Two photos so far and absolutely nothing to do with music. MY KINDA ARTIST!

Finally, some music, and the world's biggest guitar. Seriously, how big is that guitar?!?! I honestly can't tell what's bigger, that guitar or her right boob. TRIPLE BOOM!

Here's Michelle singing the national anthem at a New England Revolution game. Amazingly the total attendance for that match was the exact same as the number of people who read TVMWW. Also, is that army guy on the far right the smallest army guy you've ever seen? And is he playing an oboe? That actually might be Darren Sproles.

And here's Michelle singing to a bunch of old people. But notice that none of the old people are actually looking at her. They're actually looking at that guy PLAYING A FIDDLE! Also, THERE'S A DOG ON THE STAGE! This is crazy!

Ahh, the ole giggle shot. Every artist needs a giggle shot. Or this could be the Irish dancing shot. Or the "hey look at me I wear boot-cut jeans" shot. Not really sure what's going on here actually.

Okay, I know exactly what's going on here. These are folk singers. You can tell by the box of granola, the tea cups and THE ENORMOUS SUNFLOWERS on the counter - a staple in every folk singer's home. Also, neither chick is wearing makeup. That's a dead giveaway.

And where was this photo taken? San Quentin? Is that barbed wire back there? And c'mon San Quentin grounds crew, how bout mowing that lawn from time to time? That is a nice tube top though. I'm guessing the inmates when absolutely BAT F**KING SH*T CRAZY for that tuber.

How 'bout this blast from the past? Back in the day she was rubbing elbows (and more?) with a Grateful Dead fan - and not just a Dead fan, but a Dead fan with blonde highlights. VERY telling. Also, nice to see Gunnar Nelson is still alive.

Interesting pose.

Holy Moses that's sort-of erotic.

Is that a tongue bite? That's definitely a tongue bite. You guys should totally support this lady. Good musician. Nice midriff. Granola eater. Tongue biter.

Then again, she's a Sox fan.

Sorry Michelle, I tried.

And you still owe me that duck leg.

Want more of this lady? Download some of Michelle's music here. And check her out on Facebork, YouTube and My Space. Wait, My Space? After that, you HAVE TO look at this picture of a really sleepy doggy.


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

DWTS: Heeeeeeeeere's Carson!

Y'know, for a style expert, doesn't he need a new haircut?

At this point, you pretty much know what you're gonna get outta Dancing with the Stars. Some has-beens taking their last shot at fame, others looking to boost their careers and host Entertainment Tonight, some hot Russian ladies, some jacked Russian dudes, some dancing, some cleave-action, a few Bergeron zingers, some crying, people holding their fingers up to their ears pretending that their fingers are actually phones and mouthing that we should call them ... y'know, your standard B minus television show.

That is, until Carson Kressley came around.

The former host of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy burst back into the national spotlight last night with a flutterbug dancing performance that completely blew America's mind. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't good - oh God, it wasn't good - but it was so incredibly entertaining that I will now be tuning in every Mondee night just to watch him.

I really don't know how to describe Carson's dancing style. He doesn't really have any rhythm - like ANY rhythm - but he was somehow able to make it all work because he was ALL ABOUT IT. And I don't mean he was "all about it" as in he was all business, he was just totally into it. As if it was the most important, exciting and fun thing he'd ever done in his life. He was pointing ... jack-knife kicking ... he did some toe taps ... some fluttering ... there was a lot of fluttering ...  did I mention the toe taps? And the thing is, Carson knew that he looked a little ridiculous, but he just embraced the whole thing. He reminded me of how I feel every time I wear tightie whities.


And I was thinking, have they ever had a flamboyant gay guy on DWTS before? Sure, sure they had Mario Lopiz, but he's Latin, so that doesn't really count. I guess I could look it up on Wikipedia, but that would require all sorts of typing and opening other windows and I can't be bothered with that. Plus, if I were to find that DWTS did have flamboyant gay guys before it would render this entire paragraph meaningless. So bravo to the ABC casting department on this one. Not to mention surrounding Carson with some other great stars people who may or may not have appeared on TV before.

Such as:

Ron Artest aka Metta World Peace - who showed up last night with a Rodman-esque blonde hairdo with the word "Shalom" shaved in Hebrew. Oh, he also wore a bow-tie without a shirt. And he hit on Brooke Burke. And he was BY FAR the sweatiest competitor to ever appear on the show. Oh, one more thing, HE ONCE RAN INTO THE STANDS AT THE PALACE IN AUBURN HILLS TO PUNCH A FAN IN THE FACE.


Rob Kardashian - and his entire Kardashian entourage (read: Kim).

A Guy with a Burnt Face

Chaz Bono - the transgender lovechild of Sonny and Cher.

Did you notice how I just sorta slid in that whole "Guy with a Burnt Face" in there? Let me explain. There's a guy with a burnt face, J.R. Martinez, who was an Iraqi War veteran who got his face blown off in combat (very sad) and is now a character on All My Children

And I'm being serious! 

And here's the thing ... he's a good dancer!

Well ABC, I thought I'd seen it all, but clearly I was mistaken. I will definitely be tuning in next week and the week after that and the week after that as long as Carson and the burnt guy are still alive. 

Besides, I already know exactly what's going to happen on Mondee Night Football ...

"Eli is back to pass, he's looking deep down the sideline for Nicks .... OH! ... Picked off by Quentin Mikell ... horrible throw by Manning there. And the Rams will take over deep in their own territory. Wow, Eli really sucked at throwing a football on that one."

I didn't even mention this guy, but look at him smelling her!

I know Chrissy, I know, I'm supposed to write about the True Blood and Bachelor Pad finales. And I will. But not before you check out this picture of Ron Jaworski jacking a little kid.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I Kinda Have to Blog About the Whole Sarah Palin - Glen Rice Thing, Right?

Glenbo's picture honestly looks like it was taken IMMEDIATELY after he took the Governor to the boneyard.

A bunch of people have been requesting that I blog about the Sarah Palin - Glen Rice thing, but I didn't really think it was that big of a story and I've also been VERY busy the last 24 hours looking at Scarlett Johansson's butt (and wearing socks - it's FREEZING in Philadelphia!).

But as far as their one-night stand, frankly, I get it.

If I were a 23-year-old sports reporter who wore fuzzy boots, I totally would've boinked Glen Rice. Have you seen him drain threes? That guy was a strokeaholic! The only reason I lost my virginity before I turned 30 was because I played high school basketball. Girls like athletes! I did also secretly have some incredibly devastating sexual maneuvers - a major asset - but up until that point the only one who was aware of them was my boxspring.

Let it be known: Booze is also Alaskan. 

The bottom line with this whole Sarah Palin - Glen Rice thing is:

A) chicks love athletes
B) chicks love black dudes
C) Sarah Palin just continues to get hotter and hotter

I already found S Dot crazy attractive, and now that I know she got J'd up by ole #41 and his perfectly boxed flat top, she's even hotter. And then couple that with the whole rumors of her doing cocaine and taking pictures of Scar-Jo ... I'm definitely voting for her (and then buying some fresh Columbian yayo).

Honestly, it seems like everyone in the 80's who was doing cocaine was having a much better time in their lives than I'm having today watching Millionaire Matchmaker. What the freak?

I blame Nancy Reagan.

Admit it, this is the most bonkers picture you've ever seen in your life.

For the record, if I had to name the top 5 strokaholics in the history of basketball, it'd be: 5. Reggie Miller, 4. Dale Ellis, 3. Glenbo, 2. Larry Boid, 1. this guy. Also, since when did most of the NBA strokaholics become black dudes?! This is so upsetting. Nancy Reagan was also possibly hot in her day. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Novak Djokovic's Jawn: Jelena Ristic

Interesting left eyebrow raise.

Tennis players have always gotten hot chicks (well, except for when Andre Aggs was dating Yentl - but he was on meth). Johnny Mac got Tatum O'Neal (she was on heroin), Jimmy Connors got Chrissy Evert (Ortho Tri-cyclen) and Andy Roddick got Brooklyn Decker (xenedrine, orlistat and Slim Fast). And now, Novak Djokovic (Flowbee) has topped them all, dating Jelena Ristic, who might just be THE HOTTEST.

Jelena is so ridiculously beautiful that my wife legitimately got angry at me while watching Monday's US Open Final because I wouldn't stop begging to the CBS cameramen, "Please pan to that lady, please pan to that lady." Now, my wife could've just been mad at me because for the last 17 days running I've left my belt on the living room floor*, or possibly because I forgot to take out the recycling that morning, or more likely because I haven't been able to satisfy her sexually for the last 6 years, but the bottom line was that she was NOT happy with my feelings towards this week's Wednesday Wifey.

* This used to say "living room foor", not floor, until loyal reader and person who likes to correct people, Gabulous, pointed out my typo. Thanks Gab aka Mrs. I Never Make Typos I Only Make Mills.

Amazingly, there is VERY LITTLE dirt about Jelena online (she doesn't even have a Wikipedia page!), so let's take a look at her through the lens of Google images and see if she's just as perfect as she seems.

Okay, yep, still perfect. I mean, she's stunning, right? Check out how her blue sunglasses even match her dress AND the stadium seats. I guess maybe, maybe, you could give her minus points for that dumb hat, but I kinda like it!

And we're still batting a thousand. Geez, how does this woman not have a Wikipedia page? I'm seriously contemplating making a Wiki page just for her wrist. You gotta admit, that's a nice wrist! If I were Novak, I'd hunt down whoever that guy to her right is that she's making oogly eyes to and overhand smash him in the face.

Okay, finally, the first chink in her armor: a stupid fluffy dog. Also, she's totally hamming it up for the cameras which could mean that she likes Novak's fame a littttttle too much. That guy is really focused by the way - so determined to eat that banana!

At first glance, this seems like a perfectly normal picture of the #1 ranked tennis player in the world giving a piggy back to his ridiculously hot Bosnian girlfriend ... but why does she have goggles wrapped around her left elbow? Who over the age of 7 wears goggles? This is kinda strange, right? For the record, I actually think goggles are amazing and every time I go swimming I wish I had a pair. I also wish someone would give me a piggy back ride. Those are fun!

All right, now I understand why this lady has goggles - she can't swim! Either that or Novak is working on some sort of revolutionary Bosnian weight lifting program. Also, Jelena is sprawled out in the EXACT SAME position that I get myself into when I'm trying to please my wife. I call it Downward Frog.

Oh boy, she's drowning. Like, she's actually drowning. And still, even though she's literally seconds away from death, her shoulder looks so hot and so smooth. And how 'bout that Bosnian flutter foot?

Now Novak's just rubbing it in! Get over yourself Djokovic! Not everyone is blessed with both devastating groundstrokes and the ability stay afloat in water!

Well that explains her fear of the water. Where the freak was Novak on this one? Are they playing miniature golf?

They don't play miniature golf, they play croquet! ... Europeans!

Now that's European. Pretty sure this is gonna end up being my wife's desktop wallpaper.

Oh now the dog's in the water?!?! C'mon you guys! You're better than that! What's wrong with these two? Advantage: Roddick!


Actually, is that even racist? I honestly have no idea what's racist and what's not these days.

Advantage: meth.

TVMWW has 96 95 followers on Twitter. NINETY-SIX NINETY-FIVE. (I lost one since I posted this Wednesday afternoon.) Help me get to a hundo back to 96! 
Or watch this video of an Italian football announcer going bonkers. It's FANTASTIC. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

NFL Preview: Happy Wife = Happy Football Season?

No Aubre, this is not Lil Wayne.

Every year the start of football season brings an explosion of optimism, excitement, pizza, wings, naps, cheerleaders, sweatpants, and other sweatpants. But football season also brings with it neglected women and ruined relationships. In the fall, more and more married women become disenchanted with their good-for-nothing husbands even though those husbands manage fantasy teams with GREAT DEPTH at the flex position. Check out this pie-chart from a recent study published by the New York Times that I made during my lunch break work.

No one wants to break up with their girl die alone, so here are The Evster's Marital Tips for Football Seez.

Become an Eagles Fan

Whether you're male, female or Bronson Arroyo, it is impossible to watch Michael Vick play football and not be blown away. At any moment while watching Vick, he has the potential to jump over a dude or throw a football through a guy's face. My wife could care less about football - she grew up in one of those households where riding a bike and cross country running were considered sports, you know, X games stuff - and she still finds Vick mesmerizing. The only entertainer more exciting than Vick is Cookie Monster. He eats so many cookies!

Ladies also find Vick to be very sexy, with his caramel smooth skin and pearly white teeth (they're seriously SO pearly). My friend Aubre actually saw him at a bar recently and claimed she instantly became, oh, how do you sayyyy, "moist?" Of course, this could also just be because Aubre is a VERY sweaty woman.

Now I know, I know ... I know EXACTLY what you're thinking ... yeah, yeah, Vick's completion percentage throughout his career has been a little low ... and yes, it's true, his little brother Marcus did have some legal troubles back at Virginia Tech ... but c'mon, give the guy a break!

Why isn't he holding the football across the laces? And how old is that football?

Draft a Fantasy Team That Your Wife Will Support

It's extremely hard to rationalize to your wife why you're watching the 4th quarter of a Jaguars-Titans blowout. You can't just tell her that you have MJD in a PPR league and Luke McCown aka Checkdown Charlie is "dumping it off like CRAZY!" Which is why I chose Chris Johnson, or as my wife calls him,  "The guy who wore that outfit to the ESPY's! With the grill in his teeth! Mr. Grilly!"

See, my wife doesn't care that Matt Ryan has crazy weapons or that Rex Grossman was just named the starter in Washington, but she'll sure as hell watch Michael Oher pass-block for three hours just to get a three second glimpse of the Tuohys in the crowd. Which is why I took Joe B*tch A** Flacco in the 9th round. Also, Flacco went to Delaware and my wife has a friend from Delaware (shout-out to Basha!) and also the guy's name is "FLACCO" for God's sake. Here are the other players I snagged, while keeping my wife's thoughts in mind during each selection.

Peyton Hillis - Antelope Arms!

Hakeem Nicks - The Guy with Really Big Hands ... like Waffles!

Beanie Wells - His name is Beanie!

Josh Scobee - His name is Scobee! ... and Josh!

I got a friend who took a backup running back just because his ex-girlfriend (who broke his heart) has the same first name as the running back. My buddy thought that maybe, MAYBE, this would somehow help him get her back. He also took the Dolphins defense because he likes dolphins.

Do not - UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - take Big Ben. This will ruin not only your next 17 weeks, but possibly your entire life. There was one time - ONE TIME - when I HINTED that mayyyyybe that girl was "up for it," and my wife bought low-fat peanut butter for the next six months. SIX MONTHS! In my draft this year, I had the option of taking Big Ben or B.A. Flacco and it was seriously a no-brainer - partially because I love my wife and partially because Whole Foods peanut butter literally has NO TASTE.

Also, do NOT tell your wife that you're currently following all of your players on Twitter. Here's one from Scobee Dobee Doo!

Josh Scobee
Almost ran over a kid in my neighborhood who was riding his bike and texting 

Explain to Your Wife That the Nice Looking Man on the Red Zone Channel is Totally in Control and That His Head Will Not Explode on Live Television

My wife will not go with me to the horse track because she's scared that the horses will get hurt and then shot. No matter what I tell her - "the horses are great athletes!" ... "it's the sport of kings!" ... "that horsey's name is Scobee!" - she will not condone the sport. Watching the Red Zone Channel is very similar - she feels terrible for the poor host who's forced to zip from game to game in the span of seconds, sometimes even broadcasting three of four games at once (the quadruple box!). He seems to have it all together, but my wife fears that deep inside he's an emotional mess.

If you've never seen the Red Zone Channel, it looks and sounds a lot like this:

INT. TV Studio - Day

A nice-looking late thirty-something man in a tailored suit sits at a sports desk. He has a conservative, yet stylish haircut and a slew of papers in front of him. We join him midway through the second quarter, at approximately 1:53pm EST ...

HOST: Okay, looks like Beanie's knee did not hit the ground, so the fumble stands, Cowboys take over in Cards' territory. Let's take you back now to Jacksonville where Scobee is lining up an attempt at a 37 yarder. Scobes has missed all three of his attempts today, hope you don't have him on your fantasy team, and while Scobee Dobey lines up, let's go double box because the Browns have a fourth and goal from the Bengals 2 yard line. You gotta think they'll go to Hillis, he's an absolute bulldozer, but wait, looks like the Browns have an empty backfield, Hillis on the sidelines and yep, McCoy with the sneak, and he's in. Meanwhile, Scobee shanks his attempt wayyyyyy wide, gotta be something wrong with his hammy. Let's go triple box now, it seems as if Michael Vick just broke a guy's face with a football, back to Giants Stadium where we're receiving word that yes, Hakeem Nicks is out for the season with a torn ACL, and over to Tampa where Big Ben just threw his 4th TD pass of the half, this one to Hines Ward, who is dancing in the endzone, is that a Pasadoble? Yes, yes that is. Thought for a sec that might of been a merengue, but that's a doble. That's definitely a doble.

What are you trying to prove, dude? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?!

Amazingly, the host broadcasts for seven straight hours with no commercial breaks. It's a football fan's dream, but can turn into a nightmare when your wife starts yelling to change the channel because she's dizzy from the quadruple box. If your wife starts to go berserk (THIS IS VERY POSSIBLE), simply change the channel to the CBS or Fox broadcast and then turn it back during a commercial. Or you could slip some Ativan into her Special K (THIS IS ALSO A VERY VERY GOOD MOVE).

Some other quick tips because quite frankly, this is getting a little ridiculous:

- Make sure when you fall asleep during the 4 o'clock games to hide the remote control from your wife so as not to wake up to reruns of 90210. A great place to hide the remote is in your pants (or just smash the remote into a million pieces prior to falling asleep).

- Instead of watching the pregame show where everybody laughs like lunatics, watch European football. Women love all things European. NOTE: My wife hates soccer almost as much as she hates Ben Roethlisberger ... but she LOVES Special K.

- Buy lots of sweatpants. This will undoubtedly have a negative effect on your sex life, but will keep you VERY comfortable should you spend the month of November in the doghouse.

Ruff ruff!

This is a Scooby Doo football!

That pie-chart up above literally took me like, two hours to make. I consider it to be the #1 thing I've ever done on this blog-blog. Not impressed? Check out this dog playing piano then. And singing.