|This is honestly just a picture of Kim Kardash eating an ice cream cone.|
Kim Kardashian should be the "world's hottest chick". She's beautiful, Armenian, and has more curves than a meatball hoagie. But Kim Kardashian is not the hottest chick on the planet (she's around 4th), because something is missing from Kim Kardash. And that something is nothing. Nothing is missing. We know everything. So what's missing is something, but it's nothing, because she shows us everything. I swear this made sense when I was jotting down my notes.
Thanks to her TV shows, Twitter feed and the world's most boring sex tape, we know EVERYTHING there is to know about Kim Kardash. We know about her upbringing, her parents, that she works out a lot, she gets cranky, she writes "lol" and "xoxo", she gets snippy with her mother (understandable), her sisters gang up on her 'cause they're not as pretty as her (also understandable), but they'll never admit to this, and Kim secretly thinks it, and it's totally true, IT'S TOTALLY TRUE, but still Kim feels insecure that her sisters don't like her, so she namedrops and gets her eyebrows done and wears Zumba pants and eats more salad than any cow in any Armenian village.
There is no mysteriousness to her game. She has thrown it all out there - for better or for worse - and it just keeps getting worse. She's kinda boring - and she's kind of annoying - and her sex tape with Ray J was a total snoozefest - and yeah, she's really hard working and yeah she seems like a nice enough person and yeah I really wanna like her - but now she's got psoriasis and you just can't be the "world's hottest chick" with psoriasis and that sex tape was REALLY boring.
And then also now she's got psoriasis.
Bottom line: this is NOT what I want in the fourth hottest chick on the planet.
|Once again, just a lady eating a strawberry. Seriously.|
When I was about 7, the "world's hottest chick" in my mind was Pia Zadora, thanks to a poster that hung in my bedroom with Pia bent over a red Ferrari. I knew nothing about Pia other than she really needed that car to be buffed, and she was NOT about to walk over to the other side to do so. I don't even know if it was Pia's car - coulda been a friend's - I just knew that she was a super hot chick with a really clean car that apparently was not clean enough.
If Pia had a Twitter feed, I probably would've found out that she was an obsessive compulsive cleaner with magazines placed on her coffee table at acute angles so that everyone could see the top left hand corner of each one. I also probably would've been disgusted when she responded to tweets from her friends @KathieLeeGifford and @MarioLopez. But she didn't. She just had a shammy and a bikini and the world's most photogenic assbutt.
|Pia, it's getting dark, you should probably remove that bikini from your assbutt and come on in. Also, Diff'rent Strokes starts in like, 20 minutes.|
In the world of hot chicks, less is more. The less we know about you, the hotter you are. The less clothes that cover up your assbutt, the hotter your assbutt is. So looking back at the hottest ladies of my formative years, what did 7 year-old Evster really know?
Christie Brinkley: she had a thing for goofy dudes like Clark Griswold and also drove a Ferrari. Note to 7 year-old Evster: get a friggin Ferrari. Note to readers: I drive a 1999 Nissan Altima that has a leak in the roof and smells like mildew. Also, the cup holder has around 7 cents that are permanently lodged in some gook there. I actually don't even really drive it anymore, I normally take my wife's car. She's not happy about this. There's also so many socks in the trunk.
Elle McPherson: tall and Australian, probably a fairly decent volleyball partner.
Macho Man's girl Miss Elizabeth: not sure if she could speak.
Chicks from Penthouse magazines that I found under my cousin's bed: well, they loved to keep their socks on while getting rim jobs, I knew that. Maybe they had poor circulation? Possibly smokers?
I didn't know much, BUT THESE CHICKS WERE HOT.
The woman that changed the game was Pam Anderson - who let us into her world with the Tommy Lee sex tape. She was the first "world's hottest chick" who we truly got to "know" in the biblical sense. When the tape came out, we learned of Pam's love of sailing, her love of getting railed, but also her love of baby talking to Tommy Lee. Ugh, downright disgusting. Also, Tommy Lee (or even Tommy Chong) would slug me right in the tits if they knew how much I baby talked with my wife.
Later, as Pam became a bigger and bigger star, we were dragged into her PETA nonsense and relationship with Kid Rock. Suddenly she went from super-ridiculously-hot-slutty-lady to annoying-whatever-seriously that's the dumbest barbed wire tattoo ever you should totally date Brian Urlacher-lady. Similar to Pam in their downfalls were Kathy Ireland (Necessary Roughness), Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Lunatic) and every chick who ever pledged a Jewish sorority at the University of Maryland.
The only woman who was ever able to buck this trend was Jessica Simps, who went from country-cute-girl-next-door to duncey-reality-idiot back to slutty-sex-kitten all simply because John Mayer called her "sexual napalm." Now, to this day, no one knows what the hell John Mayer was talking about (or is ever talking about), but most of us took that to mean she was explosive between the sheets (in a good way), although Mayer could've been saying she was disgusting and suffocating (but I'm gonna believe what I wanna believe). Regardless, I'm DYING for her to take up sailing.
|Holy f**king guacamole!|
So now Kim Kardash is married and will probably get preggers and make PB&J sandwiches and drive her kids to soccer practice and "wow! they're just like us!" and she'll get loads of psoriasis ointment and will probably endorse some ointment and her kid will get psoriasis and Kris Humphries will get traded to Milwaukee and this is all so depressing because she really could've been the "world's hottest chick" and the Bucks franchise is a total joke which is such an insult to Sidney Moncrief and Paul Pressey.
As far as Pia Zadora, I have no idea what she's up to now, but I really hope she's sailing the seven seas ... preparing for her role in the upcoming National Lampoon's Cruise Vacation. Either that or endorsing a different kind of ointment.
I live tweeted eating a cheeseburger last night. Absolutely riveting stuff. Follow TVMWW here.
Or just check out this dog standing on some cheeseburgers.