Tuesday, August 16, 2011

True Blood: Starring My Good Pal, Seymour Buttz

How many scenes do I have to show my bare-butt this week? Eleven?!?

My friend Nate once made this short film called "Attack of the Rumpback Whales," where a bunch of floating butts (Rumpbacks) terrorize Lake Tahoe by farting like crazy. "Rumpbacks" was a play on the word "humpbacks," as in "humpback whales," with "rump" being a synonym for "butt." Just having to explain those last two sentences makes me angry at how dumb the movie was.

THAT BEING SAID, here is a screen shot of some floating butts (one of which may or may not belong to me).

Those are floating butts.

Beauuuuuutiful Lake Tahoe. 

This is a guy punching a butt. 

As you can see, that's quite a collection of soft, round butts - but those butts PALE in comparison to the amount of bare-butts featured on True Blood. The show is filled with butts. Male butts. Female butts. Black butts. White butts. I mean, that's basically all the kinds of butts. So let's break down all of the butts we've seen on True Butt and figure out who has the softest, roundest butt of them all.

The Merlotte Brothers - Sam and WhatsHisFace have probably showed off their butts more than any other characters. And this makes total sense - because they're shape-shifters, and shape-shifters have to disrobe in order to turn dogs and frogs and chickens and alligators - it just makes total sense! There have even been a few scenes where the brothers actually showed off their butts right next to each other - the ole Double Butt Bonanza. Clearly Sam has the softer and rounder butt of the two (the other guy's butt has emotional problems), but a few weeks ago WhatsHisFace showed off a little more than we asked for.

When WhatsHisFace was shifting into a human for the first time - and okay, it's time that I take a stab at his real name, I say it's Rickey! ... nope, just checked IMDB, it's Tommy - he was wearing nothing but low-rise jeans - no underwear - and you could totally see the top of his pubes sprouting out. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen the top of a dude's pubes during normal everyday activity, but it's VERY distracting, whether it's on an HBO TV show or in real life. I actually have a relative who REFUSES to use air-conditioning during the summer, and walks around his apartment with his pubes just popping out all over the place. Try to have a conversation with a dude showing off top-pubes some time - it's impossible.

Weird Relative of Mine:  Oh, hey Ev, what's going on? What'd you do this weekend?

Pubes sprouting out of the top of his jeans. Trying not to look down (IMPOSSIBLE) and hold an actual conversation.

Me:  Uhhhh, yeah, this weekend? Um, ya know, just pubed around a little. Nothing much, just some minor pubing. Pubing down the Delaware. Yup, just pubing. Down the ole, uh, down the ole Delaware. Let's see, what else?

Weird Relative of Mine:  The Delaware?! Ughh, that river is disgusting.

Me:  Yeah, yeah, totally disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And yeah, went to Pubington's afterwards. Pubington's Country Pubes. Great place, did a little shopping. Have you been there? To Pubington's? Great place ... lots of um, lots of um, lots of pubes there, pubik zirconium, sorry, what was the questi ...?

Weird Relative of Mine:  Pubington's? What's that? Is that a store? What do they have there?

Me:  Yeah, Pubington's. Great store. Great store that Pubington's ... they sell, uh, y'know, Pubik's cubes, they got Pubik's cubes there, those are fun ... a little scraggly, does your air conditioner not work? What's going on here?

Weird Relative of Mine:  Rubik's cubes?!?! They still make those?

Me:  Sure, yeah, Rubik's pubes. They got those. Got 'em everywhere. Just sprouting up. Great pubage. They got great pubage there. And Brillo pads. Lots of those. Lots of Brillo. They're just creeping out there, huh? No scissors in the house? Couldn't invest in some scissors?

Completely hairless. 

Sookie Stackhouse and Eric Northman - I imagine Sookie and Eric are totally pubeless, but it's hard to tell considering they've just been showing off their butts the last few weeks (while having the most boring, romantic, lame sex ever). I like Sookie's butt, I really do, very soft, very round, the exact kind of butt you want your leading lady to have, but it's not quite as smooth as Eric's Swedish butt, which is really not surprising because Scandanavians traditionally have VERY smooth butts. You can't really compete with thousands of years of evolution, can you? Am I right, Guðrún Eva Mínervudóttir?

I've actually been getting mad at their butts recently because they've been bopping 'em around outside at night without using any bug spray!! Who in their right mind has sex outside PERIOD, let alone in mosquito-filled Louisiana?! Insane. That's why this show is far-fetched. My butt would be torn up.

You can't fool me with those googly eyes Mr. Mosquito! ... You're still evil!

We sure haven't seen Bill's butt in a while - now that he's the President of the Vampires or something, he keeps his butt covered up - but I imagine we'll see it again soon. I'm also pretty surprised that they never show the demon baby's butt. His butt is probably so soft and round, unless he's got butt-rash, which I imagine is very possible if you're a demon baby. Jessica has shown off a lot of midriff and cleave action, but I don't ever remember seeing her bare butt. I'm pretty sure I'd remember that.

The last two folks may actually have the softest and roundest butts.

Terah and Jason - a major butt sandwich, like the Turkey Club of butts. I gotta be honest, I have no idea what I'm talking about or where I'm going with this butt post. Am I supposed to decide who has the softest and roundest butt? This is what goes for a blogpost these days? I should just ask Nate his opinion. Actually, maybe I'll text him right now.

Me:  Who has the softest, roundest butt on True Blood? In your opin.

Nate:  Was actually watching when you texted. That show is starting to make me actively uncomfortable.

Me:  Yeah, but I seriously need an answer. It's for the blorg.

Nate:  Wasn't that an answer? The show is making me squirm. I don't need any more asses, give me titties!

Me:  Agreed, but I need to know who you think has the softest, roundest.

Nate:  I refuse to give that any further thought. I'm off asses for the rest of the week after watching that episode.

Well, there you have it folks, Nate is an asshole!

Watch your back, yo!

Watch "Attack of the Rumpback Whales" in it's 9 minute entirety here
Or just check out this enormo-fish!


  1. I bet you get a lot of referral traffic from the butt enthusiast community this week. Nice strategy, Ev.

  2. I wonder if anyone checked out that enormo-fish. Hey Nate, how 'bout that enormo-fish?!?!

  3. I couldn't fucking believe the size of that fish.

  4. Are the Rumpies gonna hurt us? Also, that fish scared me!

  5. Evan, you realize the enormo-fish has no discernible butt, right? How IS that?

  6. So sad that the #1 thing this blog has going for it are the little links to pics at the end.