Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Power's Out - The Bats are Back - And I have a Fantasy Football Draft to Prepare For

Kinda hard to watch TV with Irene and Señor Bat around.  

Please excuse the lack of recent posts. I've been running around the house with a flashlight in my mouth trying to catch a bat with a butterfly net.

Last night, I actually got me a bat.

However, I currently have zero fantasy football mags. That might be the bigger problem.

In TVMWW's absence - and in honor of the MTV Video Music Awards that I secretly watched at my friend Law's house and still have no idea what Kreayshawn is - please enjoy the most erotic music video ever made.





Find Bat Battle Part Uno here
And read Bat Update aka Bapdate heeeeere

Friday, August 26, 2011

Jersey Shore: Today's Word is "Gully" ... andddddddd "Neck Brace"

I'm looking for a black V-neck, maybe with silver feathers on the shoulders? And a skull and crossbones across the front?

gully
Just as thug derives from the Indian thuggee cult, gully is taken from the Indian definition of "street". The literal translation is alley. Gully, in Indian languages means dirty, street, dangerous. The origins of these words is Sanskrit.
US - Keep it gully! - Keep it raw/street.
India - That guy has respect in the gully - That guy has respect in the streets.
My Wife - It's about to get gully - Stop watching soccer or I'll seriously rip your balls off. 
Well, I never thought Ron-Ron would teach me a new vocabulary word, but I also never thought I'd see a grown man jumping into walls, provoking a gorilla to attack him - all while slobbering all over his own chin (and the floor!).

Slobberfest 2011 was incredible, but I'm not sure if Donkey-Rong truly understands the meaning of getting "gully." I mean, is taking someone's bed and throwing it all over the apartment really keeping it street?

I doubt there's a gang in North Philly that's currently smoking blunts in some staircase, scheming their next hit like, "Yo, yo, check it out, check it out. I know how to get back at T-Bone and them. Yo, late one night, we break into that muhhf**ka's house, knock over all his sh*t, and flip that n***a's bed, yo! We throw his mattress all over the place! His sheets, his box-spring, his cup of water that's been sitting on his end table for like 6 days and never been drank! Let's get gully on that muhhfugga. N***a won't know where to sleep!"

Also, did you notice how careful I was with all those asterisks on the ole N word? I used like 12 of them muhhfuhggas!

This is how real Gullys get down ... motherf***in' beach ballin'. 

You knew it was time for some action when Ron-Ron started talking to himself, though. That's never a good sign. I'd like to think that talking to yourself is a sign of true mental problems - or steroid use - but c'mon, it's pretty common. My friend Chicken claims that after a hard day of teaching, she'll spend her entire car ride home in a full fledged conversation with herself. After playing FIFA, I have entire press conferences breaking down AC Milan's performance. I was really impressed with Pato today. The young Brazilian is really coming on. Obviously, I'd like to see more from Ambrosini on the pitch - he is the skipper after all - but he picked up a knock. We'll hold him out of training this week so that he can be fit for our next match. Naploi always plays us hard, and Cavani is in great form.

So now MTV will make us wait an entire week (that is, if we survive this hurricane) to see Sitch in a neck brace. Here's the thing though, why does MTV break up the most exciting part of the show - teasing it for next week - but ALSO show us exactly what's going to happen on the scenes from the next? We know Sitch gets popped, we know he gets injured and we know he ends up in a Rue McClanahan neck brace. So what's my incentive to watch? Also, why am I asking so many rhetorical questions? There's another!

Let's go Redman!





Wanna get into the next TVMWW mailbag? Send questions, comments or quommenstions to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com


Or, check out the gulliest pair of boots ever!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Kim Kardashian - The World's Hottest Chick Who's Not Actually That Hot, But Is Still Hot, But Not As Hot As She Should Be

This is honestly just a picture of Kim Kardash eating an ice cream cone. 

Kim Kardashian should be the "world's hottest chick". She's beautiful, Armenian, and has more curves than a meatball hoagie. But Kim Kardashian is not the hottest chick on the planet (she's around 4th), because something is missing from Kim Kardash. And that something is nothing. Nothing is missing. We know everything. So what's missing is something, but it's nothing, because she shows us everything. I swear this made sense when I was jotting down my notes.

Thanks to her TV shows, Twitter feed and the world's most boring sex tape, we know EVERYTHING there is to know about Kim Kardash. We know about her upbringing, her parents, that she works out a lot, she gets cranky, she writes "lol" and "xoxo", she gets snippy with her mother (understandable), her sisters gang up on her 'cause they're not as pretty as her (also understandable), but they'll never admit to this, and Kim secretly thinks it, and it's totally true, IT'S TOTALLY TRUE, but still Kim feels insecure that her sisters don't like her, so she namedrops and gets her eyebrows done and wears Zumba pants and eats more salad than any cow in any Armenian village.

There is no mysteriousness to her game. She has thrown it all out there - for better or for worse - and it just keeps getting worse. She's kinda boring - and she's kind of annoying - and her sex tape with Ray J was a total snoozefest - and yeah, she's really hard working and yeah she seems like a nice enough person and yeah I really wanna like her - but now she's got psoriasis and you just can't be the "world's hottest chick" with psoriasis and that sex tape was REALLY boring.

And then also now she's got psoriasis.

Bottom line: this is NOT what I want in the fourth hottest chick on the planet.

Once again, just a lady eating a strawberry. Seriously. 

When I was about 7, the "world's hottest chick" in my mind was Pia Zadora, thanks to a poster that hung in my bedroom with Pia bent over a red Ferrari. I knew nothing about Pia other than she really needed that car to be buffed, and she was NOT about to walk over to the other side to do so. I don't even know if it was Pia's car - coulda been a friend's - I just knew that she was a super hot chick with a really clean car that apparently was not clean enough.

If Pia had a Twitter feed, I probably would've found out that she was an obsessive compulsive cleaner with magazines placed on her coffee table at acute angles so that everyone could see the top left hand corner of each one. I also probably would've been disgusted when she responded to tweets from her friends @KathieLeeGifford and @MarioLopez. But she didn't. She just had a shammy and a bikini and the world's most photogenic assbutt.

Pia, it's getting dark, you should probably remove that bikini from your assbutt and come on in. Also, Diff'rent Strokes starts in like, 20 minutes. 

In the world of hot chicks, less is more. The less we know about you, the hotter you are. The less clothes that cover up your assbutt, the hotter your assbutt is. So looking back at the hottest ladies of my formative years, what did 7 year-old Evster really know?

Christie Brinkley: she had a thing for goofy dudes like Clark Griswold and also drove a Ferrari. Note to 7 year-old Evster: get a friggin Ferrari. Note to readers: I drive a 1999 Nissan Altima that has a leak in the roof and smells like mildew. Also, the cup holder has around 7 cents that are permanently lodged in some gook there. I actually don't even really drive it anymore, I normally take my wife's car. She's not happy about this. There's also so many socks in the trunk.

Elle McPherson: tall and Australian, probably a fairly decent volleyball partner.

Macho Man's girl Miss Elizabeth: not sure if she could speak.

Chicks from Penthouse magazines that I found under my cousin's bed: well, they loved to keep their socks on while getting rim jobs, I knew that. Maybe they had poor circulation? Possibly smokers?

I didn't know much, BUT THESE CHICKS WERE HOT.

Sambas.

The woman that changed the game was Pam Anderson - who let us into her world with the Tommy Lee sex tape. She was the first "world's hottest chick" who we truly got to "know" in the biblical sense. When the tape came out, we learned of Pam's love of sailing, her love of getting railed, but also her love of baby talking to Tommy Lee. Ugh, downright disgusting. Also, Tommy Lee (or even Tommy Chong) would slug me right in the tits if they knew how much I baby talked with my wife.

Later, as Pam became a bigger and bigger star, we were dragged into her PETA nonsense and relationship with Kid Rock. Suddenly she went from super-ridiculously-hot-slutty-lady to annoying-whatever-seriously that's the dumbest barbed wire tattoo ever you should totally date Brian Urlacher-lady. Similar to Pam in their downfalls were Kathy Ireland (Necessary Roughness), Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Lunatic) and every chick who ever pledged a Jewish sorority at the University of Maryland.

The only woman who was ever able to buck this trend was Jessica Simps, who went from country-cute-girl-next-door to duncey-reality-idiot back to slutty-sex-kitten all simply because John Mayer called her "sexual napalm." Now, to this day, no one knows what the hell John Mayer was talking about (or is ever talking about), but most of us took that to mean she was explosive between the sheets (in a good way), although Mayer could've been saying she was disgusting and suffocating (but I'm gonna believe what I wanna believe). Regardless, I'm DYING for her to take up sailing.

Holy f**king guacamole!

So now Kim Kardash is married and will probably get preggers and make PB&J sandwiches and drive her kids to soccer practice and "wow! they're just like us!" and she'll get loads of psoriasis ointment and will probably endorse some ointment and her kid will get psoriasis and Kris Humphries will get traded to Milwaukee and this is all so depressing because she really could've been the "world's hottest chick" and the Bucks franchise is a total joke which is such an insult to Sidney Moncrief and Paul Pressey.

As far as Pia Zadora, I have no idea what she's up to now, but I really hope she's sailing the seven seas ... preparing for her role in the upcoming National Lampoon's Cruise Vacation. Either that or endorsing a different kind of ointment.





I live tweeted eating a cheeseburger last night. Absolutely riveting stuff. Follow TVMWW here.
Or just check out this dog standing on some cheeseburgers.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Reader Mailbag - Bachelor Pad, The World's Worst People and High School Chicks

Apparently George The Animal Steele couldn't get an invite?

After posting last week about True Butt, I decided to make a concerted effort to cut down on butt jokes, dick jokes, titty-talk, etc. I’m not sure what the goal of this blog is – I guess it’s to get paid – but I can’t imagine anyone ever hiring me to write about clam-cocks. That being said, leaving out those jokes is REALLY HARD. Well, anyway, here are some emails from people who apparently are into that sort of thing.

Subject: worst show in the world

We've talked about how I soak myself in antiseptic after being made to watch the Kardashians, and how I have to leave the room when Sex and The City is on, but I've recently come home from work during lunch and been subject to a show that made me so mad I couldn't even eat. These goddamn doctors on Grey's Anatomy are making googly eyes at each other in the middle of a fucking spleen surgery. Do your fucking job, doctor!

- Nate, Boston

Thank God my wife doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, ‘cause that would drive me crazy – and when I say crazy, I mean crazy-horny. Seriously, is there anything hotter than a lady with a stethoscope? I’ve never seen the show – and I imagine it’s terrible – but my mother has a story that she likes to tell about inappropriate doctor stuff.

Around twenty years ago, my father was in the hospital for some routine surgery, and after he got zonked out on anesthesia, a nurse came in to check on him and was blown away when she saw the size of his balls. (For the record, my father has enormo-balls). So the nurse excuses herself, and returns minutes later with three other nurses, lifts up my dad’s sheet, and they all giggle like crazy. My mom claims she saw the whole thing and quite frankly, I think she’s actually proud to tell the story, like, “Hey, look at me, I married a dude with ox-balls.”

My wife (unclear how she feels about my scrote) actually watches 90210 when I’m not around, and it’s so frustrating to return home to. First of all, THAT SHOW SUCKS, and secondly, white people claim to watch it because “it’s hilarious!” and “Andrea is a slut!” but they’re lying - they actually like it! My wife gets legitimately angry with me when I make fun of the plotlines, to the point where she’s like, “Would you stop moaning and groaning and calling Andrea “Andrew”?! I don’t make fun of your shows! I don’t complain when Kevin Prince Boateng is friggin’ rolling around on the ground, pretending to be hurt in some soccer match. If you don’t wanna watch this show, then go upstairs and play with your balls that PALE in comparison to your father’s by the by!”

By the by, Kim Kardash is getting married this weekend to a guy whose career scoring average is 5.6 ppg.

If that's not the look of a guy who just jizzed in his pants, then my name's not Stan Furbletales.


Subject: TVMWW Reader Emails

There's going to be 17, high school aged girls on the stage in bathing suits and slutty dresses tomorrow night. Excited?

- Aubre, Illadelph

Aubre is referring to the 2011 Miss Ocean City Pageant that I attended last week (and where my wife was a judge) and let me just say IT WAS INCREDIBLE. Of the seventeen contestants, I’d say 85% of them could beat me in an arm-wrestling match - and not just because I have baloney arms - these ladies were jacked! I feel a little baaaad ripping on high-school girls, so I’ll try not to, but seriously, a couple of them had shoulders like goddamn mules!

One girl (who was possibly from Nebraska) sang the saddest song during the talent competition - Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” – and you could totally feel her pain. It was as if she was singing it to some surfer dude who probably copied her biology homework and ended up hooking up with her best friend. It was so sweet and so sad and so powerful and so melancholy and gave me the absolute biggest erection.




Subject: The Daughter From Real Housewives of NJ

Worst person on television? Or worst person in the world?

King Hippo slut pic?

- Dave, Boston

The socks and sandals is an interesting touch.

Wow, that’s certainly a dude wearing a King Hippo outfit.

You know, ever since I compared Ashley to The Fuhrer earlier this week, I’ve felt a little baaad. Not as baaad as I feel about comparing those pageant girls to livestock, but baaad. And I’ve been thinking, is she reallllly the worst person in the world? Let’s see how she stacks up next to the other worst people on the planet.  


Shawn Bradley - Most embarrassing basketball player ever. I mean, what is even going on in this picture? I hate white people.





Bentley - Is that a Mighty-Mac jacket? What the hell is wrong with Utah?





Chris Wheeler - Phillies broadcaster. Hasn't shut up since 19 ought 6.





Joe Giudice - Sort of shocked he's not wearing all-white sneakers in this picture. May be unfair to include him in this list considering he's probably having loads of trouble adjusting to life following the Mesozoic Era.


Ronnie and Sammi - No mas! 




Nick DiPaolo - Total doucher. Cool denim shirt though.





Andrea - Not pictured: his enormous dong.  

Eh, I think Ashley still takes the crown.  


Subject: The Gratterolis

Dear Guy who watches TV with his wife,

As much as I enjoyed all your posts on The Bachelorette, I take issue with your description of the Gratterolis. I’m pretty sure they're not worried about anyone stealing a rake...they keep their door locked to keep your dad from wandering over, naked, at 2 in the afternoon. Just a hunch.

Sincerely,

- Nicole Frattaroli (your next door neighbor growing up), not to be confused with Nicole Gratteroli

Nicole, those were just yokes! I was yoking! Your mother has always been very kind to me, especially when I got locked out of my house, which was VERY often. I also apologize for my father and his nudity, but can you really blame him? He’s got dumps like a truck truck truck, balls like what what what, all night longgggggggggg … let Nicole see my dad’s thonggggggggggggggg!!


Subject: Out of Boredom

Hello TVMWW,

I have no idea what you are looking for in reader emails so let's just start out on a positive note:

Potentially shops at Lush?


I believe immediately before this picture was taken he was waxing his chest and riding a unicorn.

Also, I have attached a picture my sister took yesterday at the Milwaukee Zoo. I felt it was important to share with you. I also thought it was important to include my boyfriend’s lame comment on the matter, which was "those Rhinos look horny."

Game of Frones?


What about writing about Bachelor Pad so I have something to do on Tuesday and Wednesday (Tuesday for compulsively checking and Wednesday for actual reading). And tell your other friend to be quiet about the "posts being too long". Her job is clearly too stimulating and the rest of us shouldn't have to be punished. I'd have to imagine with the rich content on that show the posts would practically write themselves.

Lastly, I would like to request a review of a product or something women like outside of TV. Because your opinion is funny.

Sincerely,


- KG, NYC

Geez, I kinda wish this email was written from the real KG, not some lady from New York. Imagine that email?

Yo Ev, my wife is tripping, yo. She’s dying to get on that show Basketball Wives, but I can’t let that happen mayn. You seen them ladies?! Ochocinco’s jawn is insane! And Eric Williams? I can’t be forced to go on a double date with that dude – who could eat around him? Help a brother out, yo! Also, can you believe we black people really write like this on email? Lol! :)

Geez, how racist was that email?!?! You think Kevin Garnett really writes emails like that? Actually, have you ever noticed how black people are all about lol’ing? Seriously, follow some black person on FB or Twitter, you’ll see more lol’s than at a Miss Ocean City Pageant. It’s so embarrassing!

That's a good one Becks, that's a good one. I know, my Jewish agent is ALWAYS kvetching!


Back to the other KG’s questions.

I’ve been trying to NOT watch Bach Pad (just needed a little Bach break!), but am recognizing that I totally have to. I mean, just the fact that the guard and protect your heart guy is on it is reason enough … AND he’s in love with Vienna … AND Jake is involved in their love triangle … AND Vienna has a terrible horrible, no good, very bad haircut.

For the life of me, I don’t know why Gia is on this show. Hasn’t she had enough of this shit? Every time I put it on, she’s sobbing about something – and I know, I know, it’s really hard to go through this world with a speech impediment – but c’mon lady, you don’t need to do this! Also, the guard and protect your heart guy is deaf, right? That’s why he talks like that? And did you ever notice that when someone else is speaking to him, he always responds way off topic.

Jake:  Hey man, I just want you to know that I’m really happy for you and Vienna.

Guard and Protect Guy:  Yeah, I fucking love Combos. Not really the cracker kind, but the pretzel and cheese jawns. Those are fantastic.  

That's a normal pose.


As far as lady products, (I did once write about Grogurt) I don’t understand why chicks love that store Lush so much. I swear, my wife has so many lotions and glosses, I haven’t felt or smelled her actual skin in months. (Anddddddd that’s your cue to barf all over yourself. I’m sorry.) Every time I kiss my wife good night, it tastes like lemons. What happened to the good ole days when women smelled like leather and I got boners without having to be smacked in the face? Anyway, what was the question?


Subject: Questions a go-go

Dear TVMWW,

I have a few questions for you:

1. What is your favorite TV show of all time and why? No, for realsies. All. Time.

2. If you could own any Bill Cosby sweater, which one would it be?
2a. How many Jell-O pudding pops can you consume in one sitting?

3. I mean, I know the Jersey Shore is the worst thing that has ever happened to Italian-Americans... but you're Jewish. Why aren't you writing more about Jersey Shore? The posts would practically write themselves. Actually, I guess that's why. That's racist!

4. I want live Tweets from TVMWW. Mainly because I don't watch more than half of these shows, so it would be a way for me to follow along LIVE, baby, LIVE!

5. What do you guys eat while you watch TV? Yes, I am looking for you to plug fwords (my food blog).

Ciao, Francesco Rinaldi!

- Fwords

Geez, that’s a lotta questions. I’m now starting to sort of regret this whole “Heyyy, send me your email questions! I’ll respond to them all” thing. But promises, promises, so here goes.

Favorite TV show is a no-brainer: Wipeout. Granted, I’ve only seen two episodes of it and I’m pretty sure I turned both of them off around half way, but people get absolutely blasted! It’s amazing!

Not really a fan of sweaters in general - they make you sweat too much! - but I appreciate how aptly named they are. I did always like that The Coz wore college sweatshirts though on his show. I also really liked that Kenny kid aka Buddddddd. My big brother says … In fact, to this day I call croutons “krau-tins” because that’s what Kenny said his big brother called ‘em.

Really Ev?!?! That’s so friggin’ interesting dude!

Amazing part in his hair! Pretty sure Cedric Ceballos had the exact same cut. 


Pudding pops? Do they still make those? My wife only lets me eat Skinny Cows anyway, which are surprisingly delicious and ridiculously expensive. Also, that’s a total lie - my wife lets me eat anything I want, I just like to paint an image of her as MEIN FUHRER. 

Jersey Shore? Yeah, yeah, I should probably write about that, but there are only so many hours in the day and my fantasy football team is NOT going to draft itself. I HAVE RESEARCH TO DO lady!

Live tweeting sounds good, I’m always looking for an excuse to tweet more – and I’m not allowed to eat in the living room because my wife is a crazy dictator and I once spilled wing sauce all over her favorite couch. Also, I’m not sure I ever told her that, so Butterscotch, if you’re reading, I’m really really sorry.

Subject: blog

I LOVE your blog, I actually found it while I was googling (that a word? no?) info on Ames. I laughed so hard I peed my pants reading all your posts about The Bachelorette. PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE WATCHING THE BACHELOR PAD!!! Anyway, keep up the good work!

- Jackie N, parts unknown

Wow. Probably the nicest email I’ve ever received. Jackie N, please know that I printed your email out and keep it atop my bedside table and read it whenever I’m feeling low. I also read it while jerking off and fantasizing about you in a doctor’s outfit.

Butterscotch, I’m yoking! I’m yoking! These are yokes!

Jackie N, thanks for reading?





TVMWW is so close to 1,000 Facebork followers! Like TVMWW here!
Orrrrrrrrr, look at these ladies riding a banana boat.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Jacqueline from RHWNJ

Is that Kevin Federline's hat? Be honest with me young lady!

With apologies to a certain German Führer and various members of the Counting Crows, I think it's safe to say that Jaqueline's daughter Ashley is the worst person to ever walk this planet. But who is to blame? Was it poor parenting by Jaqueline? Or was Ashley destined to suck from the start? Either way, it is clear that Jaqueline made numerous attempts to stop her daughter from sucking - but ultimately failed. 

Let's take a look today at Jacqueline and Ashley's pictorial history and see if we can find any glimpses of when it all went wrong duck dong.  



Aw, look at 18 year-old Jacqueline here - full of promise and hope. Unfortunately, just two years after this photo is taken, her life will change forever. I'm referring of course to J.R. being shot on Dallas, causing her to change her image to this:


Now That's What I Call A Left Shoulder vol. 16! Wow, look at that thing. Very impressive Jaqueline, very impressive. However, if you look closer at this picture, you can see fear behind young Jaqui's eyes. That's because just three days earlier she found out she was pregnant with a demon child.   


Jaqueline really did her best to nurture Ashley, teaching her essential lady-moves like the ole 45 degree angle hand-on-the-hip. She also tried to distract people's attention away from her evil daughter by plastering her house with ridiculous wallpaper. See, you hardly even noticed that the demon child is trying to headbutt her mother, Rick Mahorn-style. 


In this shot it's obvious that Jaqueline is attempting to crush her daughter's ovaries so that Ashley can never reproduce and thus put an end to the demon life-lines. But Ashley and her dumb Karma bracelet are just too strong to be stopped. You can also see that Ashley is starting to pull away from her mother - leaning back, hands slipping away - although she could just be feeling around her mother's bra for a loose twenty.


Ashley has now freed herself from her mother's grasp and has gravitated towards some dude who has absolutely no idea where he is. I'm honestly shocked that he knows how to use a razor. Ashley's stepfather is clearly worried, or possibly just ate a Burger King chicken sandwich. Jacqueline is doing a wonderful job upstaging them with her torpedo-titties. 


Jaqueline's last ditch attempt to wrangle in her daughter is thwarted by Ashley's refusal to have her mother carry her cellphone and granola bar. A shocking decision considering her mother is carrying an ENORMOUS pocket book. 


Ashley then started to gravitate towards another evil personality - the Dreaded Giudice - who taught her how to look in the total opposite direction than the cameras were facing. Also, check out Caroline Manzo who is completely oblivious to the fact that her two sons are making out hard core behind her. 



Ashley ponders her next move while wearing the world's dumbest hat. 



A brilliant display of teenage rebellion by Ashley! (who has now PERFECTED the 45 degree angled hand-on-the-hip.) She dyes her hair blonde and attempts to knee her stepdad in the hammy. She is completely and totally uncontrollable.


Ahhhh, finally. The real person to blame: Ashley's biological father, Deputy D*ckhead.


So I lost four Twitter followers this week - can you PLEASE get some of your idiot friends to start following TVMWW? Or, you could always just check out this picture of an Israeli girl at the beach. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

True Blood: Starring My Good Pal, Seymour Buttz

How many scenes do I have to show my bare-butt this week? Eleven?!?

My friend Nate once made this short film called "Attack of the Rumpback Whales," where a bunch of floating butts (Rumpbacks) terrorize Lake Tahoe by farting like crazy. "Rumpbacks" was a play on the word "humpbacks," as in "humpback whales," with "rump" being a synonym for "butt." Just having to explain those last two sentences makes me angry at how dumb the movie was.

THAT BEING SAID, here is a screen shot of some floating butts (one of which may or may not belong to me).

Those are floating butts.

Beauuuuuutiful Lake Tahoe. 

This is a guy punching a butt. 

As you can see, that's quite a collection of soft, round butts - but those butts PALE in comparison to the amount of bare-butts featured on True Blood. The show is filled with butts. Male butts. Female butts. Black butts. White butts. I mean, that's basically all the kinds of butts. So let's break down all of the butts we've seen on True Butt and figure out who has the softest, roundest butt of them all.

The Merlotte Brothers - Sam and WhatsHisFace have probably showed off their butts more than any other characters. And this makes total sense - because they're shape-shifters, and shape-shifters have to disrobe in order to turn dogs and frogs and chickens and alligators - it just makes total sense! There have even been a few scenes where the brothers actually showed off their butts right next to each other - the ole Double Butt Bonanza. Clearly Sam has the softer and rounder butt of the two (the other guy's butt has emotional problems), but a few weeks ago WhatsHisFace showed off a little more than we asked for.

When WhatsHisFace was shifting into a human for the first time - and okay, it's time that I take a stab at his real name, I say it's Rickey! ... nope, just checked IMDB, it's Tommy - he was wearing nothing but low-rise jeans - no underwear - and you could totally see the top of his pubes sprouting out. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen the top of a dude's pubes during normal everyday activity, but it's VERY distracting, whether it's on an HBO TV show or in real life. I actually have a relative who REFUSES to use air-conditioning during the summer, and walks around his apartment with his pubes just popping out all over the place. Try to have a conversation with a dude showing off top-pubes some time - it's impossible.

Weird Relative of Mine:  Oh, hey Ev, what's going on? What'd you do this weekend?

Pubes sprouting out of the top of his jeans. Trying not to look down (IMPOSSIBLE) and hold an actual conversation.

Me:  Uhhhh, yeah, this weekend? Um, ya know, just pubed around a little. Nothing much, just some minor pubing. Pubing down the Delaware. Yup, just pubing. Down the ole, uh, down the ole Delaware. Let's see, what else?

Weird Relative of Mine:  The Delaware?! Ughh, that river is disgusting.

Me:  Yeah, yeah, totally disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And yeah, went to Pubington's afterwards. Pubington's Country Pubes. Great place, did a little shopping. Have you been there? To Pubington's? Great place ... lots of um, lots of um, lots of pubes there, pubik zirconium, sorry, what was the questi ...?

Weird Relative of Mine:  Pubington's? What's that? Is that a store? What do they have there?

Me:  Yeah, Pubington's. Great store. Great store that Pubington's ... they sell, uh, y'know, Pubik's cubes, they got Pubik's cubes there, those are fun ... a little scraggly, does your air conditioner not work? What's going on here?

Weird Relative of Mine:  Rubik's cubes?!?! They still make those?

Me:  Sure, yeah, Rubik's pubes. They got those. Got 'em everywhere. Just sprouting up. Great pubage. They got great pubage there. And Brillo pads. Lots of those. Lots of Brillo. They're just creeping out there, huh? No scissors in the house? Couldn't invest in some scissors?

Completely hairless. 

Sookie Stackhouse and Eric Northman - I imagine Sookie and Eric are totally pubeless, but it's hard to tell considering they've just been showing off their butts the last few weeks (while having the most boring, romantic, lame sex ever). I like Sookie's butt, I really do, very soft, very round, the exact kind of butt you want your leading lady to have, but it's not quite as smooth as Eric's Swedish butt, which is really not surprising because Scandanavians traditionally have VERY smooth butts. You can't really compete with thousands of years of evolution, can you? Am I right, Guðrún Eva Mínervudóttir?

I've actually been getting mad at their butts recently because they've been bopping 'em around outside at night without using any bug spray!! Who in their right mind has sex outside PERIOD, let alone in mosquito-filled Louisiana?! Insane. That's why this show is far-fetched. My butt would be torn up.

You can't fool me with those googly eyes Mr. Mosquito! ... You're still evil!

We sure haven't seen Bill's butt in a while - now that he's the President of the Vampires or something, he keeps his butt covered up - but I imagine we'll see it again soon. I'm also pretty surprised that they never show the demon baby's butt. His butt is probably so soft and round, unless he's got butt-rash, which I imagine is very possible if you're a demon baby. Jessica has shown off a lot of midriff and cleave action, but I don't ever remember seeing her bare butt. I'm pretty sure I'd remember that.

The last two folks may actually have the softest and roundest butts.

Terah and Jason - a major butt sandwich, like the Turkey Club of butts. I gotta be honest, I have no idea what I'm talking about or where I'm going with this butt post. Am I supposed to decide who has the softest and roundest butt? This is what goes for a blogpost these days? I should just ask Nate his opinion. Actually, maybe I'll text him right now.

Me:  Who has the softest, roundest butt on True Blood? In your opin.

Nate:  Was actually watching when you texted. That show is starting to make me actively uncomfortable.

Me:  Yeah, but I seriously need an answer. It's for the blorg.

Nate:  Wasn't that an answer? The show is making me squirm. I don't need any more asses, give me titties!

Me:  Agreed, but I need to know who you think has the softest, roundest.

Nate:  I refuse to give that any further thought. I'm off asses for the rest of the week after watching that episode.

Well, there you have it folks, Nate is an asshole!


Watch your back, yo!

Watch "Attack of the Rumpback Whales" in it's 9 minute entirety here
Or just check out this enormo-fish!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Send In Your Emails, Yo!

Dear TVMWW, you won't believe what Betsy did ... 

It's time for another edition of You Can't Eat That Clam, It's Too Big! TVMWW's Reader Emails.

So send in those questions, comments, suggestions, criticisms, and pictures of teenage field hockey players to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com and I'll post all emails and replies.

This is gonna be great!


*eh


Would love to know what shampoo this guy uses. I'm guessing Pert. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Bat Update - I Don't Have Rabies

Whatever happened to Kim Basinger?!?! ... She was a smoke dog!

Bat update - or as I like to call it - Bapdate:

- Zero bats have been spotted inside the house since last week's bat battle. But one did fly right by my head when I was on Bat Watch* Saturday night.

*Bat Watch is when you sit outside with a cooler of beer and watch the rooflines of your house to see where the bats are coming from. Bat Watch also involves LOTS of bug spray and a flashlight that my wife won't let me use because apparently "You CANNOT disturb animals on Bat Watch. You must observe them in their natural habitat. You don't know shit about scientific research." All of these things are actually true.

- The day following the bat battle, the wife made me get rabies shots - SEVEN of 'em - two in the arm, three in the thigh and two in the butt. Oh, also, when you get rabies shots, you actually have to go back to the hospital for FIVE ROUNDS of shots.

- A bat may or may not still be living in our second bedroom - which is actually like a giant walk-in closet - where we keep all of our clothes. Two bat-people were unable to find the bat. My wife and I have been scurrying in there every morning to get our clothes - and scurrying out. To be honest, I've been out of clean clothes for this entire week but still scurry in there every morning just in case a clean pair of underwear is SOMEWHERE inside.

Dr. Dongington does a thorough examination on Kimmy Kardash's rabies psoriasis. Minutes after this picture was taken, Dr. Dong's boner exploded, killing 17 people, not including his own boner - which is also a person. His boner's name was Edward. Edward was 67. 

Friday, August 5, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey (on a Friday, due to the bat problems): Susie Essman from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Poor Jeff. 

My wife can't stand Curb Your Enthusiasm - which was almost a deal breaker when deciding to propose - but I love it, especially Jeff Garlin's wife, Susie. She may be the greatest female character since Brandon Walsh. I spent this morning doing some research on Susie Essman (and her family) and posted some pictures for your viewing pleasure.


Whoa! I have a hard time believing her real last name is Essman - I'm thinking it's Jewbenberg. I mean, was this the most humid day in the history of Los Angeles?!?!



Here she is with her husband, Jim Harder. Normally when dudes sit like this, you can totally see their balls. I can't really see Jim's balls, so I'm thinking maybe he had testicular cancer. I mean, I have NO PROOF that he had testicular cancer, but a guy can speculate, right? Is it illegal to speculate about guys having ball cancer and write about it in on a blog? It must be.



This is Susie's sister, Nora. From the looks of this picture, she's at the most boring Bar Mitzvah ever. I also think she might be wearing the same outfit that Susie wore during her stand-up routine above.



Susie's brother, Elliot - wine connoisseur, wearing a jacket that literally has the world's heaviest leather collar. Look at that thing! The pressure on his shoulders must be immense! No idea how many balls this guy has (or doesn't have).



And this, this is Thor - the brother they don't talk about. On Thor's website, he lists his main influences as his wife, his grandfather, and his friend, Jeff Dorfman.

Um, Jeff DORFMAN?!?!

The guy's name is actually Jeff DORFMAN?!?!

Hey Jeff Dorfman, lemme guess what your nickname is ... Oh I dunno, maybe THE DORFINATOR?!

Check out the Dorfinator:


Couldn't spring for the "anti-glare" on your glasses, huh Dorfinator?


Lastly, gotta just put up a picture of Cheryl Hines, 'cause she's just the hottest.



Get me a White Castle cheeseburger pronto! She HAS to be next week's wifey, right?

Wedneday's Wifey everybody! You'll never have that five minutes back!


To see more of the Wednesday Wifey series (which actually might be my favorite series!), click here