Friday, July 1, 2011

True Blood: S4:Ep1 - Apparently I'm Putting Episode #'s In the Title These Days

Clockwise starting top left: dumb, dope, craziest bitch in TV history, tightest T-shirts ever, barf, annoying, sundresses, ruff ruff.



You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite TV show. For examps, folks who like Glee probably also enjoy waking up early. Law and Order fans most likely have daddy issues. Intervention fans are sickos. Seriously, they are sick people. How can you watch families going through that? My favorite show is a tie between Wipeout and Hallo! Bundesliga - draw your own conclusions from that one. My wife, well, she's a True Blooder.

I remember the first time my wife told me about True Blood - it was very early on in the show and I had come home late (I think I was out somewhere watching Wipeout) - and she described True Blood to me as we were going to sleeps:

There's this lady, and she likes this vampire, but nobody likes the vampires - and this guy was trying to kill the lady, but her friend who's actually a dog saved her by being a dog and barking. And then they woke up in the morning and the dog was actually a guy and he was naked. Also, I watched three episodes of Law and Ords tonight!

It was at that moment when I knew I never wanted to watch True Blood.

Horse or Sam Merlotte? ... WHO KNOWS?!?!

But I'm a good husband and I understand that sometimes you have to show interest in your partner's interests, especially when it's something that they're really excited about. So I gave it a shot for Season One, but almost punched a wall when they found René's "Cajun Accents for Dummies" cassette in his car. Possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen on television - and that's really saying something - because just minutes before some guy who's actually a dog saved a chick and then turned back into a guy.

So what kind of person likes True Blood? And what kind of woman am I married to?


I think you can break True Blood fans into three types of people:

1. Perverts

This is my wife's group. Every time True Blood starts and HBO flashes that "N" on the screen for "nudity," my wife puts both of her arms in the air and yells, "nudityyyy!" This past Sundee, she was struggling with a sore throat so instead she just stuck her right fist out in front of her - like MJ's buzzer-beater when he was with the Wizards. She also clenched her jaw. It was the most serious I've ever seen her.

Every True Blood ep is good for some ridiculous sex or at the very least, AT THE VERY LEAST, Jason Stackhouse sweating profusely with his shirt off. We've seen Eric Northman tying chicks up, the famous 360 degree headspin sex scene, and last Sundee, Terah (aka the dumbest character on television) had a little lezbo action with some white lady.

If this is the type of dude my wife is into and I look NOTHING like this, what does that say for the state of our marriage?

Quick segue: Terah is the DUMBEST character on television. She starts off gaga for Sam, then she falls in love with that Eggs guy who was even dumber than her (a barefoot black dude with a guitar? c'mon!), I think I remember her doing something with Jason, and now she's an underground MMA superstar in New Orleans? Also, why is she checking her text messages while she's getting in on with another chick? So rude! The only acceptable reason for checking your phone during sex is to see if you've been Re-Tweeted, because there is NOTHING more exciting than getting Re-Tweeted. TRUTH!

Next group of True Blood idiots:

2. Vampire / Dungeon and Dragon Dorks

The opening scene for this season featured evil fairies (or witches?) throwing lightning balls at Sookie and Lumbergh from Office Space while they tried to escape from fairy land. What? I honestly felt like True Blood was just taking advantage of a bigger budget from HBO and wanted to have some explosions. I can't get into all this werewolf stuff either, which is strange, cause you would think that I'd like wolves who eat people. I think the folks that are into the D&D are the same people who are dying to see Green Lantern. These are also people who order sandwiches without tomatoes. For the record, I'm dying to see Green Lantern. He's green! Also, during the season when Maryann was jacking people up, I totally stayed up til around 5:30am one night doing research on maenads. It was exhilarating.

Another segue: I saw a billboard for the new Harry Porter movie this weekend and Harry had a magic wand that was blasting stuff. Um, Harry Porter uses magic wands?!?! I honestly had no idea. Does he use it as a weapon? Or to move stuff? I read the first book way back when, but I don't remember any magic wands. I also don't remember Hermione looking anything like she looks like now. Zowzers.


Also, can someone PLEASE explain to me what the deal is with these Dr. Dre headphones? Aren't they just headphones? Do they have a cord that never gets tangled or something? Because that's what I'm looking for in a pair of headphones. I seriously think my father has around 37 pairs of those spongy red headphones in his sock drawer from the various Sony Walkmen he's used over the years, and every one of them does the job just as well as Dr. Dre headphones. I mean, I get it, I see that the world is yearning for more comfortable headphones ever since Apple tried to destroy our eardrums with those plastic, white ear-jammers, but $300 headphones?!?! I honestly can't believe anyone watches Glee!

Another wrist-to-wrist move?! What am I missing here? I don't understand this world.

Next group!

3. HBO Die-Hards

These are the folks that will tune in to anything on HBO - aka people who are still trying to convince you that Treme is worth watching. These are also the same people who like Turtle from Entourage and think HBO Real Sex is a documentary about sexuality, when really it's just a bunch of True Blood fans wearing dog collars.

Last segue (and honestly I like writing the segues more than stuff about True Blood): That guy "E" from Entourage is the worst character in the history of television. Even worse than Terah. I mean, what a tweedle-dick. It PAINED me to watch him get with hot chicks on that show even though it's just fiction. I understand that it's not real, I understand that E is not actually a real person with a really stupid nickname - not a real person who constantly complains and worries and tells people not to take bong hits because they have an interview to get to - but still, what a tweedle!

Trivia: is this a scene from True Blood? HBO Real Sex? or Hallo! Bundesliga?

So the bottom line is, yeah, True Blood is dumb, but it does have its momes. I understand why it's crazy popular. It hits on a few major demographics of people in this world: pervs, dorks, and cable TV subscribers - that's a pretty good formula for success. And let's face it, the 360 degree headspin sex scene was totally bonkers and I do thoroughly like Pam the Vampire. I also liked when that Russell guy ripped some dude's heart out and was yelling at everyone. And I think this crazy René baby has some potential. I also think it's nice for my wife to stock her brain with endless Eric Northman material to masturbate to. I'm happy for her. I really am.

I just kinda wish she wouldn't moan SO loudly every time Eric appears on screen. And asking me to grow long blond hair is a little much. Then again, it could be nice for her to dress up like a witch and throw fireballs at my crotch.

I truly have no idea what I'm talking about.

I honestly only put this picture up here to get some Harry Potter fans to come to my website.

So last night I live tweeted an adult rec league indoor soccer match. Probably the dumbest thing to ever be tweeted. Sounds like something you might be interested in? Click here to follow TVMWW on Twitter.

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