Monday, July 25, 2011

True Blood: Eric Northman is Completely Zorped and So Am I

Like looking in a mirror.


Have you ever ordered a pizza with "the works?" I did once, not because I necessarily wanted a pizza with the works, but because I wanted to order a pizza with the works. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was kind-of excited to eat a pizza with the works, but it was more about the fun of ordering a pizza with the works.

The pizza with the works was fine - not great - but fine. The main problem was that it was just way too soggy because of all the toppings (literally). I may as well have just ordered a pizza with anchovies, because that's pretty much all you taste when you order a pizza with the works. 

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, EV?

True Blood's got too many motherf*cking toppings on their pizza.

At first, it was an okay show about vampires eating people, except for one vampire who was in love with a lady with freshly shaved armpits. Some people approved, others were anti-vampire, no one could argue with how smooth Anna Paquin's armpits were. People said the show was a metaphor for gay rights - I contend it was an infomercial for the Gillette Venus.

Then they added that crazy maenad lady - who got everybody in town to bone each other - possibly a metaphor for Ke$ha.

Now, the writers have gone bonkers - adding anything and everything to the True Blood storyline. Currently, the show features:

- fairies
- witches
- werewolves (who spend WAY MORE than seven minutes on their abs by the way)
- shape-shifters
- panthers (actually, meth-selling panthers)
- regular panthers (wait, are there regular panthers?)
- MMA fighting lesbians (probably the dumbest plotline yet)
- shamans
and
- a demon baby (WHO IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING BY THE WAY!)

And for the record, let me just say that the only thing in this world more terrifying than a demon baby is a person who enjoys jogging.

It's too much! There's all these characters, all these storylines, when really all we care about is whether or not Sookie is going to double log-jammed by Eric and the werewolf guy.


Ke$ha donning literally THE BIGGEST COAT in the world.


I feel like Eric Northman (who was recently zorped by a witch and has no idea what's going on) is a metaphor for the writers. They're completely zorped right now, staring at their scripts with absolutely no idea what to do. They've piled on way too many toppings and are wandering around HBO's offices with pizza that's way too heavy for their paper plates. They've completely forgotten what pizza is supposed to taste like.

Last week when that truck pulled up to rescue Jason Stackhouse, I thought he was about to be saved by zombies, or mummies, or giant frogs. I feel like this conversation could happen at any moment:

Sheriff Bellefleur:  Zoinks, Scoob! Guess what I just saw in town?

Lafayette:  Oh motherf*cker, what now?

Sheriff Bellefleur:  A financial planner!

Lafayette:  Hooker, please tell me you're f*cking kidding.

Sookie:  Oh, no. Uh uh. I am NOT getting involved with a financial planner. Not after all that I've been through.

Eric:  Hmmm, a financial planner? I could use a financial planner. 

Sookie:  Stop it Eric! This is a serious problem! Financial planners are dangerous!

Jesus:  Was he with anyone? Like maybe a young professional's group? Maybe a Jewish organization that meets on Wednesday nights?

Sheriff Bellefleur: I dunno, I just saw him and he was giving out business cards. I think he invited me to a brunch where he was going to give a power point presentation.

Sookie:  Eric! What are you doing?!?!

Eric:  Just showing off my pelvic bone.

Lafayette:  Sook, you best get this motherf*cker away from me - I'm not trying to end up in no dungeon and I ain't rolling over my 401K. Hooker, why did you bring Eric Northman here? Are you out yo cott-damn mind? He's 1,000 years old! The only motherf*cker older than him is Kirk Douglas! Look at that pelvic bone!

Terah:  Pelvic bone! I knew I shouldn't have come back here. Blah blah motherf*ckin blah. Wah wah wah. (That was supposed to be a whiny voice.)

Jason Stackhouse:  Um, guys? A group of panthers ate my entire ribcage. Can you please help me? I'm literally turning into a panther. I'm a human, but now I'm going to be a panther. Can we please just take a second and think about that? I would seriously rather be a financial planner - or even a mortgage broker - than turn into a panther. Also, the person who writes this blog would just like to take this moment to mention that he always thought that Jerry Stackhouse sucked at basketball.


Chef Stackhouse: only a slightly better cook than Chef Shawn Bradley.

BUT HERE'S THE THING ... EVEN WITH ALL OF THESE DUMB-ASS STORYLINES, PIZZA'S STILL PIZZA! ... AND THIS PIZZA IS NOT THAT TERRIBLE!

Even when you've had enough of this show - AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH - these zorped writers still bring you back with a semi-decent episode. They put in just enough Jessica bra shots or Jason Stackhouse zingers to keep you coming back.

And now here we are, with a cliffhanger before the Darth Vader / Luke Skywalker confrontation between Bill and Eric. My wife is pulling for Eric. She has seriously been waiting four years to see Eric Northman and Sookie Stackhouse have sex. Personally, I'd rather see Sookie have sex with that werewolf guy.

HE IS FRIGGIN' JACKED!

I think he's the anchovies.

I also have absolutely no idea what a metaphor is.

I think what I'm trying to say here is: two toppings is really the maximum amount of toppings you should ever have on a pizza - if you go with more, you're entering Soggsville. Except for Hawaiian which is seriously like the perfect pizza. So I guess the werewolf guy is the pineapple, and the panthers and the shape-shifters are the extra cheese and black olives.

Terah is the anchovy.

That lady can suck my crank.


The best Jerry (Stackhouse), the best.


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Or, just check out this picture of me and my friends from my recent bachelor party.

6 comments:

  1. I really hope Eric gets his zorp back (sort of like how Stella got her groove back) and starts kicking some wiccan ass.

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  2. I really hope you make chicken parm soon.

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  3. If you read The Southern Vampire series by Charlene Harris you'd know her books used to base this show on encompass this supernatural "world". Love them, books and show.

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  4. This is the funniest blog i have ever read, ive never laughed so hard in my life. all because i googled topless trueblood men

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Jaynleee.

      That's a lot of e's that you have in your name.

      Feel free to peruse the site and find some other posts ... you'll feel compelled to delete your comment in no time!

      Delete