Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Vampire Pam from True Blood

Pretty sure she's holding cuticle cream. 
By the way, NOBODY loves cuticle cream as much as my wife. 

True Blood started this past Sundee (blogpost to come in the next 3-17 business days), a show that I loathe, and my wife LURVES. But there is one character who I really like, Pam the Vampire.

Kristin Bauer (no relation to Matt Lauer) is a blatant smokedog whose IMDB page says "(she) grew up in Wisconsin playing sports, riding horses and shooting guns." It goes on to say some other stuff like she likes to paint and save animals and blah blah blah, tell me more about the gun shooting, and later mentions that she's married to Abri van Straten, a musician from the band, The Lemmings.

Clearly I thought, all right Kristin, The Lemmings, I don't know who they are, but they sound cool, he's probably dope ... but then I googled him ... check this dude out!

Oh hello there. Just sitting back in my favorite jaguar-print chair with my entire chest cavity exposed. Oh this? This is just my giant guitar. Would you like to hear me play it? Really, it's no trouble at all. I'm not wearing shoes.

Obviously that googling led to more googling, so let's take a closer look at these two through the lens of Google images.

Ahhh, the sweet smell of the wind. I love the way it tickles my hair and reveals this ancient pebble dangling from my neck. I found this stone on the floor of the Caspian Sea - between a seahorse and a Chipwich wrapper. I honestly didn't even know they still made Chipwiches. Did I mention my name is Abri?

Oh awesome, you've got the guitar out again. Are you gonna play that song where you sing about your feelings? The one where you wear a linen shirt. Oh good, you are. Awesome. I'm so glad that I got married before I was famous.

Honey, please. Can we take one goddamn picture without the guitar? It's not like you're even actually playing it. The people looking at this picture can't hear it. I'm looking smoking hot here and you're playing a G chord. Also, I have the f*ucking smoothest armpits in the world.

Ahhh yes, the ole wrist-to-wrist flutter move. THAT'S what drew me to you. And also the fact that we use the same cuticle cream - although you put it in your hair - which is nice for you! Let's go get Chipwiches!

How good were these?! ... Look at that guy's beard!


  1. I would do the DIRTIEST things to Pam.

  2. I think I would do dirtier!

  3. Pam is my favorite too! And that show is horseshit but I can't stop watching it either.

  4. Hahahah! Ancient pebble! Man, you kill it with those cap-ti-owns!