Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Derek Jeter's Jawn - Minka Kelly


As Jeets approaches 3,000 hits and 3,000 STDs, this Wednesday I'm profiling his (current) fiancée, Minka Kelly.

Now before last night when I asked my wife who Minka Kelly was, I had never heard of her - but apparently Minka Kelly is the new Hansel (so hot right now). In 2010, Minka was named "Sexiest Woman Alive" by Esquire magazine who apparently thinks Christina Hendricks is dead. Minka is also slated to star in the upcoming remake of Charlie's Angels, whose original cast is only 33% dead. There is no truth to the rumor that ABC is also remaking Mork and Minky, because that show sucked and Mork Wahlberg is not available.

A quick Internet search taught me that Minka is the only child of an exotic dancer and former Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay (or "Dick Roofie" as he's known at most exotic dancing establishments). Minky got her big break playing a cheerleader on the TV show Friday Night Lights, which was remade from a movie and also a book. Another quick Internet search for "what's a book?" yielded minimal results.

Willkommen to the Hair Cuttery training facility!

In preperashe for her role on Friday Night Lights, Mink-Mink practiced with the Pflugerville High School cheerleading squad (and yes, Pflugerville is an actual place). Seriously. Pflugerville, Texas. I'm from Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and have a lot of trouble relaying that to Comcast employees over the telephone. I can't imagine what it'd be like to explain Pflugerville. Regardless, the latest census in Pflugerville showed that during Minka's stay, the town's teenage-boner-rate went absolutely bonkers. A group of young men later attempted to rename the town, "Jon Bon Bonerville."

Here are some other interesting (not that interesting) facts about Pflugerville:

- 1849:  Pflugerville was founded by German immigrant Henry Pfluger.
- 1853:  Pfluger purchased a tract of land called "Brushy Knob."
- 1890:  As if Pflugerville wasn't funny enough, a shooting and bowling club was started called, "Pflugerville Schuetzen and Kegel Verein."
- 2011:  The upcoming Pflugerville Pfireworks Pfestival was cancelled because of drought conditions.

Before Minka caused the rain to stop falling in Pflugerville, she was linked to both Donald Faison and John Mayer (who did not describe sex with her as being "sexual napalm").

Oh well, I just hope her marriage to Derek Jeter lasts longer than 3,000 minutes.

Napalm. The new shampoo from Pvidal Psassoon.


  1. Damn you are all over this shit. Wednesday's Wifey, on a Wednesday? Shiiiiiitttteeee.

  2. I'm honestly blown away that no one has commented yet on those little FB and Twitter birdies.