Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Morning Scone: Mailbag Edish

How dope were floppy disks?

This morning, I'm cleaning out the ole TV Me Weef Wooches inbox, which was literally flooded with emails from loyal readers. No seriously, a couple readers were over last night and spilled water all over my computer. It's possibly ruined. Every time I hit the "Tab" key I get shocked. This is terrifying. But I'm not complaining, that's what my therapist is for!

All right, here we go.

If you could be a character/contestant on any of the shows you follow, which would it be? And, why? - Your loyal reader, Rod Roddy 

Wow Rod Roddy, way to start the mailbag off with the dumbest, most cliché, most boringest question ever. This is like a question from a child. Are you in third grade? Seriously, are you a third grader? The sad thing is, I actually know Rod Roddy! I play basketball with him on Tuesday nights - and when I saw Rod the other day, he immediately apologized for asking such a lame question. He was so embarrassed. And he should be! But hey, I'm still thankful that Roderick wrote in, so I might as well answer the question. 

It's a no-brainer ... WIPEOUT!

That show is insane! Bouncing giant balls, mud slingin', screaming ... sounds exactly like my pre-teen sex life. Oh whatever Ev, save it for your therapist!

Pretty sure I had a Penthouse circa 1987 with this exact same pose.

Dear, How the heck are ya?  I am writing to you because I don’t understand how you watch all of this TV and don’t watch what I think is the most entertaining of all the programs out there … America’s Got Talent! Whether you are witnessing amazingness or someone who thinks they are amazing, the sh*t is off the hook! Funny, entertaining, attention-grabbing, never-been-seen-before acts, never want-to-see-it-again acts, etc. Best part of the bad people is they actually think they are good. They are dead serious. - Josh, Bala Cynwyd, PA

The seriousness of people on reality shows is what makes it both unbelievable and at times unwatchable. The Bachelorette, America's Next Top Lunatic, So You Think You Can Dance - probably the three most serious shows not including Nova. How serious is that show?!

I actually wrote a little bit about America's Got Talent in yesterday's Scone, and must admit, I kinda like So You Think You Can Dance more. Besides B-Boys doing headspins and interpretive dancers pretending to dance, when the contestants on SYTYCD learn that they've earned a ticket to Vegas, they freak out like people who actually watch Nova. It's really embarrassing. They jump and spin and twist and weep. It's like they're on Wipeout, except without the erotica. Although some of those dancers wear VERY short shorts.

Speaking of nova ... SO much better than scones ... no offense to scones!

Dancers and musical theater folk are a whole different type of crazy person than normal crazy people. I know this because my friend Loaves and I once wrote a play called The Worst Musical Never Made and had to hang out and work with actors and dancers. One guy kept pronouncing the word "nourishment," "nyour-ish-ment." "Nyouurishment." Dude, it's nourishment. Nurrishment. Nurrish. Mint. But quickly. Nurrishmint. Pronounce the word right. It's like a third grade word. It's your only line in this play. "Nyouurishmint ... Nyouuuurrrrishment." It was infuriating. 

Below is an excerpt from a review of the play from The Theater Mirror - New England's Live Theater Guide.

"In my opinion ... the "bit parts" shine while those carrying the plot cannot simply Be but are hampered by flimsy writing."

Flimsy writing?! Flimsy writing?!?! Thanks Theater Mirror!  

Speaking of flimsy writing, I can't tell you how many grammatical errors I had to clean up in that email above from Josh. My backspace button is literally smoking right now. Josh, are you a classmate of Rod Roddy's by any chance?

An actual photo from the play. Not even yoking.

How's this going? - Aubre, Philly

I think it's going pretty well! 

Although to be quite honest, I'm a little flabbergasted that NO ONE has emailed me or commented about those little Facebook, Twitter and RSS icons that I added on the upper-right-hand side of the blog. They're boids! And you can click on 'em to follow me! I was thinking about dedicating an entire post to those boids. And to the print feature that I've added to this here blog-blog. Hasn't anyone noticed?!?! I'm taking TV Me Weef Wooches to the next lev!

I grew up near Bala Cynwyd, and now live in Austin. When I first moved here for work I drove around Pflugerville because of its proximity to the office. It's nothing like Austin.  – Hope, Austin, TX 

Wow, such an ambiguous email from Hope. "The office?" What is this mysterious office that Hope works in? And where exactly did she grow up? If it was near Bala Cynwyd, does she also know Josh? And how big are her breasts?

I mean, that's a short skirt.

Does anyone still watch the Bachelorette? I can't bring myself to be put through this go-round. Snoozefest with a door prize at the end. Also can you explain why they chose her? Thanks. - Concerned in Philadelphia

You are living a lie, Concerned in Illadelph. You know you're into it! You email me pretty much every day to discuss the show or to try and convince me to eat tacos in seedy neighborhoods. 

ABC chose Ashley because they knew she'd be serious, they knew she'd be all into it, they knew she was insecure, they knew she was vulnerable, they knew she had an ass that thinks it can dance, and they knew she'd wear really short shorts that caused men to spill water all over their laptops.

So stop complaining and enjoy the ride!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a therapist to see ... an appointment with the Geek Squad ... to masturbate!

You trying to get involved in this here email game? Send in your thoughts, questions and mud-covered pictures to



  1. The Morning Scone? More like the Late Night Hot Pocket! That's what the Bach-ette would call her character on AGT. Or that new show, "101 Ways To Leave A Gameshow." Q: How would U leave a gameshow?

  2. I posted the Late Night Hot Pocket last night because the TVMWW email service sends messages automatically overnight. So if I had waited until this morn to post, those folks who subscribe to the email wouldn't have gotten it until Saturday.

    I've thought about devoting an entire post to the overnight email dilemma and am trying to get people to convert to Twitty Twang and just check the site for updates.

    I can't imagine anyone is remotely interested in this information and clearly I take this blog game way too seriously and should be kicked in the balls.

  3. I think the Late Night Hot Pocket has a nice ring to it. And it smells like cheap pepperoni.

  4. Are we the only two reading this thing?