Monday, June 20, 2011

The Miss USA Pageant: Not a C-section Scar in Sight!

God-dammit Alabama, put your right hand on your hip!

"Miss USA is by far the sluttiest pageant. Everyone knows that." - My Wife


As a young pervert, I didn't really notice a difference between Miss America, Miss USA, and Hustler's Clambake Queen of the Year. They were just hot chicks who looked nothing like my mother's friends. But now, as a seasoned 34 year old, my lechery is wise beyond its years. I can now appreciate Miss America's elegance, Miss USA's razor-burn and the concentration and focus it takes to bake a clam while squatting spread eegs. 

My wife told me that the Miss USA pageant embraces contestants with fake boobs and sexy outfits, two qualities that I admire - and would potentially look for if I were to ever hire a secretary, housekeeper or Offensive Coordinator. 

Coach Evster:  All right, we've got 4th and 2 - we're going for it! Do you think we should go play-action, or plow up the gut with Nagurski? They can't stop Nagurski!

Offensive Coordinator Miss Oregon:  I think that if we were faced with a short yardage situation on fourth down, it would be very important for us to gain a first down, because first downs are important for the well-being of not just our team, but our community. 

Coach Evster: Yeah, yeah, definitely, that's true. But c'mon, the play-clock is winding down. So run? Pass? Whaddya think?

Offensive Coordinator Miss Oregon:  Both running and passing are wonderful ways to teach children valuable life-lessons. When I was growing up, sports taught me how to challenge myself, how to set goals ...

Coach Evster:  Yeah, we're not gonna get this play off ... 3, 2, 1, delay of game. Unbelieveable. Well now it's 4th and 7 - and we're outta field goal range. Gotta punt now. Gotta punt now! Send in Landeta! Thanks a lot Miss Oregon. Thanks a lot. 

Offensive Coordinator Miss Oregon:  Thank you. 

Sponsored by Pony! And couldn't they at least get Landeta a helmet decal?

The hosts for the 60th Miss USA pageant were Andy Cohen from Bravo, and Giuliana Rancic from Planet Neptune. I like Giuliana, I really do - she's got a decent personality and very glossy shins, but she looks like an alien. No disrespect to aliens! She just happens to look like one. Andy Cohen - who I also like - may be getting a little too famous and popular for my taste. Last night, after throwing out his catch phrase, "Mazel" to a contestant, he followed it up by saying, "M to the Azel." Now that's just ... that's just ... 

The pageant featured pretty much every American pageant stereotype - a hot chick from Hawaii, a black lady from Philly and a woman with buffalo arms from Delaware. When they narrowed it down to the final fifteen, of course Texas, New York and California made it, while North Dakota and Iowa were left behind. There were also a bunch of semifinalists from the South, once again reminding me that I made an idiotic decision to go to the University of Maryland instead of Alabama or Tennessee. This year's contestant from Murrland listed among her passions: COMPUTERS. She was also tanner than Miss Illadelph.  

Miss California, WHERE is the missing goldfish?!?!

Some of the other "passions" listed were: collecting shoes (Georgia), shooting rifles (Maine), manicures (Utah), karate (South Cackalack), spearfishing (Hawaii), ziplines! (Missouri), my personal favorite: shuffleboard (New Mexico) and of course, space exploration (California). 

Wow, you really look beautiful tonight Miss California. Thanks for going out on a date with me. I hear the food's great here. So tell me, what are some of your hobbies? Your passions. What are you into?

Wellllllllll, I lovvve yoga, I do a lot of yoga. 

Yeah, I've tried yoga. Not really my thing, but that's cool. 

I read a little bit, mostly nonfiction. 

Oh yeah? Nice. Me too actually. Just read the new ESPN book, it was great. 

And I love space exploration. You know, just getting in a rocketship and going. The great unknown, seeing what's out there. 

Yeah. Definitely. Sorry, what?

You know, Saturn, the rings of Saturn, just checking those out. Going left when you should go right. Hyperspeeds. Just exploring space, really. Seeing different galaxies, black holes. Those are crazy by the way! But definitely worth going to.

Right, just the check then. The check'll be fine.

Last night's panel of judges was certainly an interesting collection of people who will never again be mentioned in the same paragraph.

Mariel Hemingway - still alive!
Rocco Dispirito - still a douche.
Marcus Allen - still a free man after killing his wife, Nicole, and her boyfriend Ron Goldman.
Lil Jon - still the exact same person as the last time you saw him ten years ago.
Caroline Manzo - still need to follow her name with "from the Real Housewives of New Jersey." 
Tyson Chandler - still cashing in on his fifteen minutes.
Penn Jillette - still rocking that ridiculous pony / clydesdale tail.
Zuleyka Rivera - still the only Miss Universe to date someone under 5'9".
Suzi Weiss-Fischmann - still keeping the streak alive - 60 years of Miss USA with at least one panel member who no one has heard of.

Get away from him lady! ... Run!

The rest of the evening was dominated by ridiculously long torsos, and the even more ridiculous ramblings of Miss Alabama and Kelly Osbourne, who did the play-by-play in the booth. In Miss Alabama's defense, she spent seven days in a coma after a car accident and may not yet have her mental capabilities totally in order. In Kelly Osbourne's defense, her father used to eat rats.

At one point in the show, right after someone else told us that Miss Alabama spent months in a wheelchair, Miss Alabama strutted on stage and Kelly said, "Wow, look at her walk!" I'm not making this up. Later, Miss Alabama said that if she could have one meal with anyone, it'd be Helen Keller. Now I'm not saying that Helen Keller wasn't a nice person and a potentially enjoyable lunch partner, I'm just saying I could name around 46,000 other people I'd rather dine with. One of which, amazingly, would be Kelly Osbourne.

The crown was awarded to the aforementioned space explorer, Miss Cali, Alyssa Campanella, who also let it be known that she was a bit of a history buff. She admitted to watching Game of Thrones, the Tudors, and Game of Thrones. With those kinds of credentials, I could definitely see her teaching history at Maryland.

Not to mention, the Chesapeake Bay is very well known for it's clambakes.

Halle Berry below!


  1. Boy that Mary Hart can SING!!

  2. Mary Hart - the originator of the Glossy Leg.

    John Tesh wrote in his autobiography that she used to do her makeup using the reflection in her shins.