Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Bachelorette: What's Your Man Gotta Do With Me?

Is this funny? I think it is. That guy's carrying a hoe. 

Although Oklahoma State football coaches may argue with 5,000 years of Judaism as to when a boy actually becomes a man, there are certain things that all men must do:

- Make decisions.
- Satisfy your woman.
- And if you happen to blog about reality TV shows, make sure you thrown in obscure sports references from time to time to convince your readers that you may in fact be capable of satisfying a woman. By the way, Happy Birthday to Jeff Malone! And Khloe Kardashian.

Bentley's roundabout way of breaking up with Ashley was unacceptable. Just a scared, hair-twirling, chickenshit way to cut the cord. Ashley even called him on it, "Be a man!" but he just sat back, mumbled sweet nothings and made her put that stupid freaking period on the end of their ellipsis. By the way, I counted SEVEN times that someone uttered the phrase "dot dot dot" last night ... SEVEN! ... which was actually two more than the number of V necks worn by the dudes.

That's a lotta God-damn challah. 

Back in the day I was casually dating an older(ish) woman, and she wanted to take our relationship to the next level (I'm talking "commitment" not "ball-gag"). But I was honest with her and let her know that I wasn't into her like that, would never be, but thoroughly liked her both as a person, and as a person who wore exciting underwear. Of course she was hurt, but appreciated my honesty and we decided to call it quits. Later that night, I still tried to have sex with her, but was denied.

BUT A WEEK LATER, she called me up, explained to me that she knew where I stood, and was still interested in having a little fun because she liked me as a person and had some new underwear that she needed to show off. And so, we continued doing what we were doing and may or may not have eventually made it to the ball-gag level. All because I have the penis of a rhinocerous was honest and forthright in the bedroom.

Lucas on the surface seems like a man - he's from Texas and likes fishing - but proved last night that he lacks initiative. On his date with Ashley, he asked her if he could kiss her, an absolute no-no in the world of being a man. In fact, according to my wife, "NEVER ask a woman for permission to kiss her. IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS!"

I agree! Just go in there and plant one on her. If she's feeling it, she'll let you in for a little slurpin. If not, she'll pull away and there'll be a second or two of awkwardness - but that's simple to get out of - just say, "Oh, sorry, I was trying to sniff your neck. You smell really nice." (Chicks love when you tell them they smell nice.)

That kid's riding a f*cking baby rhino!

I mean look at Ames. He's definitely not the manliest dude, but during that elevator ride he swooped right in there and laid one on Ashley. And what was her reaction? "Wowwww, Ames. Where did that come from?" Egggg-zactly. She might as well have slipped on a ball-gag at that very mome. A man's predatorial philosophy should be just like Pepé Le Pew's - aggressive! Don't be asking no stinking questions. Questions are stupid!

People are also stupid, and most think that sheer brute strength and having a rhino-dork are direct indicators of manliness (they're only half right). While muscle-heads may in fact be manly, there are many beefcakes out there who are not (hence, how hair gel stock continues to rise). During last night's Dragon Boat races, Mickey led his team to victory, but later freaked out when Ashley told him she had seen Bentlob behind his back. Dude, be a man! "You saw Bentlob? Big deal. I won a mother-freaking Dragon Boat race. And I've got a rhino-dork." Tip: say this even if you don't have a rhino-dork, because let's face it, not ALL rhinos have huge dorks. Also, if you ever win a Dragon Boat race, tell chicks that you also make love like a dragon. They won't know what this means, but they'll be DYING to find out.

Why is everyone leaning left? This picture makes me dizzy.

For the record, my wife once challenged me to a kayak race and DESTROYED me. I mean, DESTROYED me. She wasn't even paddling hard, but left me drowning in her wake. And I'm a marginally decent Jewish athlete! It was so embarrassing. However, that did not stop me from making love to her like a dragon later that night. I also may or may not have incorporated a flame-thrower into our dragon-sex.

So it's no surprise that the three dudes who were comfortable and confident enough in themselves after the Bentlob debacle were the three dudes who have the best chance of winning this thing: J.P., Babar-painting Ben, and Ames. None of these dudes are particularly manly - in fact, I kinda think they're all really soft - but then again, what do you expect from a group of dudes on The Bachelorette? If I had to pick one, I guess I'd go with J.P. because he's been Bar Mitzvahed and he's pushing 40 ... a manly combinashe that's been slaying women for over 5,000 years.


All I wanna do is tweet. Follow TVMWW on Twitter here
Or, learn everything you ever wanted to know about Caesar salad.


  1. Hit it out of the the park-once again! love,coogs

  2. Thanks Steve Coogs.

    Apparently people are having trouble commenting.

    If you're one of those folks, click on "Comment as: 'Name/URL' and just put your name in like that.

    Or don't and make yourself a bologna sandwich.

  3. JP all the way. They should have had Jeff Carter on the show. Or Pat Burrell.

  4. Ashley's glued-on eyelashes are so over rated! No one believes they're real, though they do help to balance out J.P.'s bizarro eyebrows. "He is GORGEOUS!"

  5. I'll tell ya who's gorgeous ... that Philly Phoodie!

  6. So Evan, as you predicted, I'm dying to know what specific actions go into the act of _making love like a dragon_

    Do you have performance tips I can pass along to the appropriate parties?

  7. totally agree with gabulous. Ashley's eyelashes are ridic.

  8. Dragon sex involves a lot of screaming and/or soy sauce.

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