Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Bachelorette: Sorry Ames - My Instincts Are Bad Too, Just Not As Bad As Ashley's

Kind of a really erotic photo? Or am I just really into Ames?

Evster's note: One of TVMWW’s loyal readers once told me (and I don’t remember who, because quite frankly I have thousands of nine readers) that women like my blog-blog because I write about shows that are popular to females from the male perspective. Now what this loyal reader doesn’t know (and let’s call this loyal reader, “my wife”), what my wife doesn’t know is that I use her deodorant when I run out of mine, and often blog from a male’s perspective with perfectly PH balanced sweat glands. So this morning, with my armpits caked in Secret, I have decided to recap last night’s Bachelorette episode from Ashley’s perspective.

Wow. What a journey. Last week was really really tough for me. I really thought Bentley was the one, like The One, you know what I mean? Like, do you? Like, he was the actual guy who was going to protect me and go kayaking with me and share hair care products with me for the rest of my life. I was just going with my instincts, but apparently my instincts are shit. I also really thought it’d be a good idea to only wear wedges. It’s very possible that my instincts are drunk.

Evster's note again: I’m sorry, but I have very strong opinions about wedges. Basically, I can’t stand them. THEY’RE TERRIBLE. So now I'm giving a male perspective on women's footwear? Kill me.

This lady is NOT wearing wedges. And that guy probably smells like an ox. 

Day 1 - So this past week we decided to leave the Bachelorette Mansion and head to Thailand. There were just too many memories of Bentley there: the scent of his conditioner wafting in the air, his shampoo bottles littered in the bathtub, his hair clogging the drain, his mousse, his blow-dryer, his Now That’s What I Cal Music Vol. 17 CD that he would listen to while twisting his curls, too many reminders. I feel a little bad because ABC spent so much money on that mansion, and now the 39 groundscrew members in charge of hosing down the driveway will be without jobs, but I just had to get away! Besides, I needed an excuse to wear the shortest skirt in the history of skirts. You know that old saying, “If you’ve got a twat, flaunt it!”

My first date was with Constantine, a guy that has absolutely no chance of winning this thing. For one, he sat Indian style on our date. OH MY GOD, what self-respecting man sits Indian Style? Bentley would NOT sit Indian Style - his balls are WAY too big. At least that’s what my instincts tell me. Constantine also says “like” wayyyy too much. It was like hanging out with one of my girlfriends. And he really smelled like women’s deodorant. I gave him a rose though - his hair sort of reminded me of someone else’s (if you know what I mean) ... (I’m talking about Bentley! :)) ... (My parentheses just gave Bentley a double chin - he does NOT have a double chin.)

Now That's What I Call Dicknose Vol. 37!

Day 2 - Today the guys and I went to repaint an orphanage and set up the world’s shaftiest soccer goals. You shoulda seen these things. ABC went bonkers on the blue drinks this year, but totally skimped on the soccer goals. On one of the walls, Ben F, or C (the one who’s not a raving lunatic), painted the fucking cutest elephant EVER! With water shooting out of its trunk! Quite possibly the most brilliant move in the history of The Bach. It was purrfayct. Just purrfayct. To reward him, I gave him a rose and then totally tasted JP's tongue. ABC didn't show this, but after Babar-painting Ben got a rose, he gave an acceptance speech. Here's the transcript:

Babar-painting Ben:  "I'd like to accept this rose on behalf of elephants everywhere. Even those like this one who's totally wasting water by spraying it all over his balls instead of giving it to starving Thai children. I would also like to thank this stupid hat for covering up my stupid head that is now filled with head lice after hanging out in this shitbox of an orphanage."

Tomorrow is my date with Ames. Ugggghhh, my instincts are telling me that it’s gonna suck.

Back to me again. Do I even have to say that? Aren't the italics a dead giveaway? Anyway, I must admit that I also thought her date with Ames was going to be a trainwreck – as referenced in last week’s post. In fact, at this point in the show, my friends and I took a poll as to who we would select if the show were to end at that very moment. We were choosing who WE would want to pick, not Ashley. Of the seven of us who watched together, there were 4 votes for JP, 2 for Babar-painting Ben, and 1 for Mickey Dolenz. All that changed after Ames took it to the house.

Sold! to the elephant in the perfectly tailored green tuxedo!

Day 3 - Wow, my instincts are embarrassing! Before I went out with Ames, I totally thought he might have been retarded - like, actually retarded. And I know you're not supposed to call people retarded, but I REALLY THOUGHT that he was retarded. And not just retarded, like really really retarded! Turns out, he only looks retarded! He seems like an actual person, not just some schmo who's trying to "explore deeper." By the way, I was totally ready to let Bentley explore deeper. (I'm talking about letting him make a twat sandwich.) But Ames is smart, funny, he travels, takes the reigns in conversations, and has the chest of an ox. I've never actually seen an ox's chest, but I imagine it's silky smooth and smells like Speed Stick.

By the by, as we were watching Ames and Ashley picnic on the shores of the Gulf of Thailand, my friend Chicken kept repeating, "I need to see what his chest looks like, I need to see what his chest looks like ...." and then as soon as ABC's cameras revealed Ames's chest, Chicken let out a, "RONP!" while the rest of us went bonkers. THAT GUY IS A JACKHAMMER! It's a shame he looks like he has a syndrome. After Ames's date, we revoted and had 5 votes for Ames, 1 for JP, and one guy in the kitchen making a sandwich who missed the vote.

That night, I sent home a guy who may or may not have killed his wife, because to be honest, with all this water around here, my instincts tell me he might drown me. Also, he looks like a weeny. Well, that's about it from here in Thailand, see ya next week. Dot dot dot!

Okayyyy, maybe an ox's chest isn't so smooth.

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  1. Why does that girl keep plugging her own bloggg? Do you KNOW her?

    JP: "are you getting wet?"
    Rashley: "a lil bit."
    Hot tamale!

  2. Just watched it last night. Ames certainly has some suspect "that kind of person strength."

  3. Yes Gabulous, I know Karin ... not in the biblical sense, but I know here.

    How good were hot tamales?!? ... better than Mike n Ikes?

  4. Don't you know that it is not done to use the word "retarded"?

  5. Did you miss this line AnonyMouse?

    "And I know you're not supposed to call people retarded, but I REALLY THOUGHT that he was retarded."

    English can't be your first language. But that's okay! I support you! Tell all of your fellow Dutchmen to keep reading!

  6. Funniest and most succinct thing ever written about the Bach. Like e-ver. Looking forward to your next blog almost as much as next week's ep?! OMG - whose making a 'surprise' return?

  7. Thanks kandthekelpie.

    Any chance you're in the kandy-yams business? If so, send me some!

  8. Thanks for that rousing endorsement, Evan.

  9. The bottom fell out of candied yams in 87. The kelpie is a dog - traditionally a working dog. Mine prefers reality tv and hilarious blogs

  10. My bad, Karin! I meant, yes I know her! She's a wonderful pianist and marathon'ing maniac! That's 3 exclamation pts in a row! (FOUR!) (five.)

    Kan the Kelpies! ... now THAT'S a business.