Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Bachelorette: a Flash Mob, a Comedy Clob and Bentlob

I mean, that's a wicker tea cup chair, right?

Before I discuss flash mobs, William shooting himself in the balls, and Bentley the sociopath (whose hair doesn't even look that good!), a quick word about Ames (my new favorite human being) and the fact that he looks like he has absolutely no idea what's going on at all times.

It's hard to tell just how clueless Ames is, because he hasn't actually spoken since episode 1. So far this season, I've seen two hilarious facial expressions out of him:

Numero Uno - The look of a toddler who finds a cookie on the ground and holds it up to show someone, but can't find anyone to share his excitement with.

Numbre Deux - A look of complete and total confusion.

After some guy was picked at last week's rose ceremony, I swear I saw Ames mouth the words, "Hey, I know that guy."

This picture took 16 hours to take. Ames, look over here, buddy. Look at the birdie.

Speaking of confusion (nice transition Ev!), those people in California sure do have a different idea of flash mobs than we do here in Philly. Out there, flash mobs are diverse groups of happy people who dance and prance, and don't even wear socks! Here, flash mobs are teenagers who dance on people's necks and throw them down subway shafts. Quite frankly, I like my flash mobs and teenagers the old fashioned way - terrifying. Kind of like rap music - I don't wanna hear how many cars and yachts you own! I want you to rap about shooting people in the face and getting chicks pregnant. In my opinion, I think every flash mob and rap album should be FILLED with terror and sex, sort of like an episode of True Blood or Rosh Hashanah dinner.

After The Bachelorette "flash mob", Ben told us that Ashley was "totally" the kind of woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Okay. That's fine. I'm not doubting you Ben; I'm not saying you don't want to be with a woman who incorporates dancing into EVERYTHING she does, but isn't there a better way to see if your mate is compatible FOR LIFE, Ben? Why not try this one out?

On a Saturday afternoon - after a week of you promising to mow the lawn, have your buddy go out and buy the new NBA Jam for Playstation and then invite you over. Oh, and also have him UNLOCK THE CODES TO PLAY WITH GIANT HEADS. And then see if your LIFELONG PARTNER allows you to go over for JUST A LITTLE BIT OF ENJOYMENT in your PATHETIC, MISERABLE LIFE. Because Ben, that's who I want to spend the rest of my life with! THAT'S WHO I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH!! By the by, my wife is also THE BEST SCRAMBLED EGG MAKER IN THE WORLD!!

Andrew Bogut looks as confused as Ames on this play. Where is he running to? See the ball, Bogut!

Later at dinner, while Ben rambled on about finding friggin' Wonder Woman (and for the record, Ben needs to CALM THE F*CK DOWN!), Ashley told him, "You're making me laugh," but did so without actually laughing. That's normal. Instead of laughing, just telling someone you're laughing.

"Hey, got a joke for ya. What do you call a guy who plays video games instead of mowing the lawn? ... ... ... ... Celibate!"

"Oh, I'm laughing. That's funny. I'm laughing. Look, I'm laughing. Look at me laughing."

At the comedy club the following night, Ashley told the fellas that she "loves to laugh" (A TOTAL LIE) and then proceeded to cry like a celibate man who still had a lawn to mow. The whole comedy show was a debacle, but we did learn two very important things:

Numcho Unko - Jeff Ross is not funny.
Normaku Deuce - William has no idea how to apologize to a woman.

Look, my lawn may have higher grass than any battlefield in South Vietnam, but I can apologize like a muh'fugga. Watch:

Hey Darrie, I'm sorry that we currently have Vietnamese farmers living in our backyard. That's not right. You don't deserve that. I made a mistake by playing video games instead of trimming the grass. BUT YOU SHOULD SEE PATRICK EWING'S HEAD!! ... HE SERIOUSLY SWEATS SO MUCH!! I don't really believe that video games are more important than lawn care - I love lawn care. And I love living in this house with you - even though we never seem to have ANY lemonade for me to drink after mowing the lawn - look, I got you some eggs to scramble. They're fresh - from a Vietnamese farmer I know. You are SO FRIGGIN GREAT at making scrambled eggs. BETTER THAN MY MOTHER. Have I told you that? Cheng qui (that means "toast too please").

There's really no way that Ames is in on this joke. "This floor sure is shiny."

Really all William had to say was that he didn't actually prefer Emily and Chantal - those was jokes! That he was just showing off for his friends. And at the very least, couldn't he have set her up with a decent cellphone plan?!

I'm really sorry Ashley, I am. Also, got a great deal on Friends and Family going right now. Unlimited texts, lots of emoticons. Here's one of a guy laughing. You can use that when you're not actually laughing. Here's one of a guy barfing. I like the guy barfing.

And then there's Bentley, the world's biggest dickbag, or douchebag, or barfbag, any kind of bag really.  (But not those bags that go inside of other bags - those things are amazing. Also, barfbags are kind of amazing too.) What bothered me about the whole Bentley thing was not that he tried to rip out another human's heart and throw it down a subway platform, but that he kept insisting that "this has never been done before!" Yo Bentley, did you not watch Jillian's season when Wes essentially did the exact same thing?!?! No? You didn't? You were out banging chicks and not watching The Bachelorette? Well, quang gring! (That means, "take a shit!")

At the end of his sociopathic heartbreaking, it seriously looked like Bentley was trying to take Ashley's pants off. Now that takes a lot of nerve - and finger strength. Taking girls jeans off is hard!

Bentley:  Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay. Shhh, stop crying. Shhhhhh. Here, let me take your pants off. Your pants look really tight.

Ashley:  What? I thought you were ...

Bentley:  Shhhhh, shut up. Just shut up. It's fine. I always end my relationships like this.

Ashley:  With a finger-blasting?

Bentley:  Yeah, with a good ole-fashioned finger-blasting. Just stop talking. Do you even know what time it is? It's time for a blasting.

What's worse? The hat to the side or the half-gloves?

But if every cloud has a silver blasting, then at least J.P. got some good ole-fashioned traumatic bonding out of it all. But where the hell did he get those pajamas from? Did he bring them with him?

Oh hey Ash, brought you some flowers, some red wine, a few farm-fresh Vietnamese eggs - I hope you like them. Also, got my pajamas here. No big deal, just in case you wanted to chillaxinate later. I brought my blue plaid ones. They're not my favorite, but they're cool. Also, got this great new cellphone from Wiliam. Check it out, I have an emoticon where a girl cries and barfs all over the place!

All in all, I couldn't be happier with how The Bachelorette season is going. Some people say that Ashley is too boring - these people are right, but they're idiots for not watching. Either way, I can't get enough.

I just hope someone can explain to Ames just how great it's been.

Now that's a flash mob.

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  1. She IS boring, but I AM watching. Good stuff, Evster.

  2. Do guys _really_ call it "finger-blasting"?

  3. Karin, my Dad always does!

    Great post, Ev. Don't worry everybody you totally don't have to comment on my Wifey post. I haven't even checked 3,000 times to see if anyone commented on it! Wouldn't want anyone to overexert themself.

  4. Sure, "finger-blasting," "the texas tornado," "the snorkel jab" ... we use all those terms.

  5. HAHAHHAHAH! A Bentlob! I'm so much smarter for reading this post, yet I can't find words smart enough to respond to it. Keep up the good work, Everstrong.