Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Morning Scone: My Friend Pat Does Some Secret Sniffing for Life & Style Weekly

College Wedding & Babies - what does that even mean?! 

So after my friend Pat sniffed out Bachelorette Ashley the other day at Dunkin Dones, I received this email from a lady over at Life & Style Weekly:

Hi! Your blog is so fun! 

Luckily, I came across your post about a Bachelorette sighting in Philly in my research about Ashley's whereabouts for our coverage. 

I hope you don't mind my reaching out on behalf of the magazine, but were you ever able to get any additional details from your friend Pat? It would be great to chat! Let me know if you're able to weigh in. 


Of course, Pat gave VERY LAME details about his sighting - he didn't even know what she ordered! - so TVMWW was not able to be compensated for our detective work. The nice representative from Life and Style did however recommend a great brunch spot in South Philly. Pat also ate six hot dogs last week at Hot Dog Fest - one of which was a double dog. 

This is TVMWW's ace reporter?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Vampire Pam from True Blood

Pretty sure she's holding cuticle cream. 
By the way, NOBODY loves cuticle cream as much as my wife. 

True Blood started this past Sundee (blogpost to come in the next 3-17 business days), a show that I loathe, and my wife LURVES. But there is one character who I really like, Pam the Vampire.

Kristin Bauer (no relation to Matt Lauer) is a blatant smokedog whose IMDB page says "(she) grew up in Wisconsin playing sports, riding horses and shooting guns." It goes on to say some other stuff like she likes to paint and save animals and blah blah blah, tell me more about the gun shooting, and later mentions that she's married to Abri van Straten, a musician from the band, The Lemmings.

Clearly I thought, all right Kristin, The Lemmings, I don't know who they are, but they sound cool, he's probably dope ... but then I googled him ... check this dude out!

Oh hello there. Just sitting back in my favorite jaguar-print chair with my entire chest cavity exposed. Oh this? This is just my giant guitar. Would you like to hear me play it? Really, it's no trouble at all. I'm not wearing shoes.

Obviously that googling led to more googling, so let's take a closer look at these two through the lens of Google images.

Ahhh, the sweet smell of the wind. I love the way it tickles my hair and reveals this ancient pebble dangling from my neck. I found this stone on the floor of the Caspian Sea - between a seahorse and a Chipwich wrapper. I honestly didn't even know they still made Chipwiches. Did I mention my name is Abri?

Oh awesome, you've got the guitar out again. Are you gonna play that song where you sing about your feelings? The one where you wear a linen shirt. Oh good, you are. Awesome. I'm so glad that I got married before I was famous.

Honey, please. Can we take one goddamn picture without the guitar? It's not like you're even actually playing it. The people looking at this picture can't hear it. I'm looking smoking hot here and you're playing a G chord. Also, I have the f*ucking smoothest armpits in the world.

Ahhh yes, the ole wrist-to-wrist flutter move. THAT'S what drew me to you. And also the fact that we use the same cuticle cream - although you put it in your hair - which is nice for you! Let's go get Chipwiches!

How good were these?! ... Look at that guy's beard!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Bachelorette: What's Your Man Gotta Do With Me?

Is this funny? I think it is. That guy's carrying a hoe. 

Although Oklahoma State football coaches may argue with 5,000 years of Judaism as to when a boy actually becomes a man, there are certain things that all men must do:

- Make decisions.
- Satisfy your woman.
- And if you happen to blog about reality TV shows, make sure you thrown in obscure sports references from time to time to convince your readers that you may in fact be capable of satisfying a woman. By the way, Happy Birthday to Jeff Malone! And Khloe Kardashian.

Bentley's roundabout way of breaking up with Ashley was unacceptable. Just a scared, hair-twirling, chickenshit way to cut the cord. Ashley even called him on it, "Be a man!" but he just sat back, mumbled sweet nothings and made her put that stupid freaking period on the end of their ellipsis. By the way, I counted SEVEN times that someone uttered the phrase "dot dot dot" last night ... SEVEN! ... which was actually two more than the number of V necks worn by the dudes.

That's a lotta God-damn challah. 

Back in the day I was casually dating an older(ish) woman, and she wanted to take our relationship to the next level (I'm talking "commitment" not "ball-gag"). But I was honest with her and let her know that I wasn't into her like that, would never be, but thoroughly liked her both as a person, and as a person who wore exciting underwear. Of course she was hurt, but appreciated my honesty and we decided to call it quits. Later that night, I still tried to have sex with her, but was denied.

BUT A WEEK LATER, she called me up, explained to me that she knew where I stood, and was still interested in having a little fun because she liked me as a person and had some new underwear that she needed to show off. And so, we continued doing what we were doing and may or may not have eventually made it to the ball-gag level. All because I have the penis of a rhinocerous was honest and forthright in the bedroom.

Lucas on the surface seems like a man - he's from Texas and likes fishing - but proved last night that he lacks initiative. On his date with Ashley, he asked her if he could kiss her, an absolute no-no in the world of being a man. In fact, according to my wife, "NEVER ask a woman for permission to kiss her. IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS!"

I agree! Just go in there and plant one on her. If she's feeling it, she'll let you in for a little slurpin. If not, she'll pull away and there'll be a second or two of awkwardness - but that's simple to get out of - just say, "Oh, sorry, I was trying to sniff your neck. You smell really nice." (Chicks love when you tell them they smell nice.)

That kid's riding a f*cking baby rhino!

I mean look at Ames. He's definitely not the manliest dude, but during that elevator ride he swooped right in there and laid one on Ashley. And what was her reaction? "Wowwww, Ames. Where did that come from?" Egggg-zactly. She might as well have slipped on a ball-gag at that very mome. A man's predatorial philosophy should be just like Pepé Le Pew's - aggressive! Don't be asking no stinking questions. Questions are stupid!

People are also stupid, and most think that sheer brute strength and having a rhino-dork are direct indicators of manliness (they're only half right). While muscle-heads may in fact be manly, there are many beefcakes out there who are not (hence, how hair gel stock continues to rise). During last night's Dragon Boat races, Mickey led his team to victory, but later freaked out when Ashley told him she had seen Bentlob behind his back. Dude, be a man! "You saw Bentlob? Big deal. I won a mother-freaking Dragon Boat race. And I've got a rhino-dork." Tip: say this even if you don't have a rhino-dork, because let's face it, not ALL rhinos have huge dorks. Also, if you ever win a Dragon Boat race, tell chicks that you also make love like a dragon. They won't know what this means, but they'll be DYING to find out.

Why is everyone leaning left? This picture makes me dizzy.

For the record, my wife once challenged me to a kayak race and DESTROYED me. I mean, DESTROYED me. She wasn't even paddling hard, but left me drowning in her wake. And I'm a marginally decent Jewish athlete! It was so embarrassing. However, that did not stop me from making love to her like a dragon later that night. I also may or may not have incorporated a flame-thrower into our dragon-sex.

So it's no surprise that the three dudes who were comfortable and confident enough in themselves after the Bentlob debacle were the three dudes who have the best chance of winning this thing: J.P., Babar-painting Ben, and Ames. None of these dudes are particularly manly - in fact, I kinda think they're all really soft - but then again, what do you expect from a group of dudes on The Bachelorette? If I had to pick one, I guess I'd go with J.P. because he's been Bar Mitzvahed and he's pushing 40 ... a manly combinashe that's been slaying women for over 5,000 years.


All I wanna do is tweet. Follow TVMWW on Twitter here
Or, learn everything you ever wanted to know about Caesar salad.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Bachelorette: SPOTTED This Morning in Illadelph

That little hip-skin showing goes a long way.

The following is an email thread started by my friend Pat (who introduces himself as "Patrick") after he spotted Ashley the Bachelorette at a Dunkin' Donuts in West Philly earlier this morning.

Subject: Ashley!

Pat:  I just saw Ashley. For real. In the flesh (though not much flesh ... I'd say an appropriate amount of flesh for public spaces). She was at Dunkin Donuts. She was wearing a pink blouse with some sort of tight jegging/legging/spandex somethings. She's shorter than I expected. 

I walked up and said, "Ashley, I'm here for the right reasons," and to prove it I ordered a double chocolate glazed donut. 

My Wife:  DID YOU REALLY SAY THAT???  Also, which Dunkin Donuts?

Me:  We need more deets! Were people oogling? Did she look, oh, how you say? like she just spent the last few months getting f*cked by dudes all across the globe? Did she look like she'd been crying all night? ... C'MON PATrick!

Nick:  Interesting choice Pat. I would have gone with something insulting about her breasts.

Aubre:  Smallest. Tits. Ever. Aside from that - AWESOME STORY!!!! Was she dancing!? There's no way she wasn't dancing! P.S. How was the donut??

Unfortunately Pat never responded to our inquiries. He has one of those jobs where he has to do stuff. Well, there you have it, another disappointing news story from TV My Friend Pat Watches!

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Morning Scone: Smooch 'em If Ya Got 'em!

Check out Czech hoops player Jan Veselý try out for next season's Bachelor after getting picked by the Washington Wizards at last night's NBA draft. 

Quantity over quality!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Operation TV TAKEOVER Continues: Season 2 of Louie Starts Tonight!

Not Louie Anderson.

I highly recommend watching Louie tonight on FX - a brilliant show written and directed by Louis C.K. Tonight's the season 2 premiere. This is probably the most serious blogpost I've ever written. Let's change that. Here's a picture of a wolf carving a pumpkin.

This wolf's name is Marion! 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Morning Scone: Clint Dempsey is a P.I.M.P.

Turn up the lights in here baby. Extra bright I want ya'll to see my tattoo!

Who's Climp Dempsteez?

For those of you who may not follow soccer football, and have not created yourself on Playstation's FIFA as an attacking midfielder for AC Milan (my name is Monnini), Clint Dempsey is arguably the best American footballer ever. Now clearly, I just lost half my female audience with that last sentence, so let me add a few sentences to bring the ladies back: Real Housewives of New Jersey is crazy! So You Think You Can Be America's Next Top Sister Wife is insane! My wife yells at me for using too much fabric softener!

Back to Clint Demps, who last night scored another key goal for the US National Team vs. Panama, further cementing his undeniable pimp status. This past weekend, after scoring versus Jamaica, Clint celebrated by doing the old "You can't see me," hand-wave move in front of his face while screaming, "You can't see me motherf*ckers! You can't see me!" Deuce (oh, that's what he calls himself by the way, "Deuce") also recorded a rap song a few years ago with some grimy Texas rap group for a Nike spot. The video for "Don't Tread" is below. Oh, and he was also raised in a trailer park. Swagballs!

Look, America has been starving for a positive role model who we could really look up to ever since Allen Iverson died, and Clint Demps might be that guy. He may also have banged around 4,000 Panamanian women last night.

I'm honestly so proud of him.

Check out Deuce's rap video and goal scoring celebrashe (en español!) below.

And for the record, Monnini is also a pimp who totally bangs Italian chicks LIKE A BOSS. 

Wednesday's Wifey: That 16-year-old Who Married Some Dude From Lost

Wedding bells are ringing! ... Or is that the bell for 4th period?

In case you missed it, word came out this week that some 51-year-old dude from Lost, Doug Hutchinson, married a 16-year-old girl. The girl, Courtney Stodden, is a former beauty queen and aspiring country singer. This is her 36th marriage.

Now listen, I'm not in the business of telling people what they can and can't do, I'm in the business of eating fried chicken - so I'm not gonna criticize - not until I've done my research on this Courtney Stodden character. So let's check out this week's Wednesday Wifey and analyze her website's photo gallery.

Here's a lovely picture of the happy couple sniffing each other - pretty standard as far as wedding pics go. You can really tell they're in love by the way they're sniffing. There's also a good chance that Hutchinson is popping the biggest boner of his life. God bless him.

Here's Courtney posing with literally the saddest and oldest clown ever. I'm guessing that just seconds after this photo was taken, that poor clown dropped dead. Seriously, is that Kirk Douglas? Also look closely at Courtney's left hand on her hip, particularly her fingers. She's saying, "I'm elegant, but I may also fingerbang myself at any moment."

Awww man, Courtney made a wrong turn on the PCH and now she's somehow ended up driving her convertible onto the beach. Thank gawd those young Bolivian waiters are there to help her. Not to mention, former Romanian gymnast, Nadia Boobenskya. 

How happy is THIS guy?! But is he more excited to meet Courtney, or to have just copped her new CD, Now That's What I Call a Plaid Shirt Vol. 19?

This dude is a HUGE Courtney Stodden fan. He even wore his favorite Alfani shirt to meet her.

And here's Alfani's home office. Totally normal!

Oh, hello there. Just standing next to this wall, holding onto this thin copper wire for balance. Not that big of a deal. Where is she?! Samuel Gompers High School?

Now that is hardly appropriate attire for a boat ride.

Ohhhhh, baby! Forget about Courtney and her ENORMOUS guitar - how about Dean Bunkers! What does HIS wife look like? Check back next week to find out.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Bachelorette: Boxing? Golf? Ashley is a Modern Day Babe Didrickson

Nice left-footed toe-tap.

Look, you can complain all you want about The Bachelorette - about how Ashley's a 6.2 (at best) and how her date last night with Babar-painting Ben was more boring than Hebrew school - but answer this: what other show on TV last night featured grown men kicking each other? What other show had a 6.2 lady practically BEGGING a dude to grind his junk into her butt while teaching her how to golf? What other show ended with a car phone salesman admitting to having suicidal tendencies? The answer is probably a couple of other shows - including Basketball Wives - that show is insane!

Last night's episode started off soooo slowwwwwly - just a bunch of white dudes wearing soft V-neck t-shirts getting excited for the mail to come - but it eventually picked up during the group date. (For the record, I also get excited when the mail comes.) Ashley's date with Ben F. was a total snoozer - talking about wine parties? what the freak is a wine party? - to the point where my friend Gilwacki (in the midst of hosting a Bachelorette / lemonade party) sensed a lack of energy in the room and brought out some pretzel rods. Minutes later, after complaining about crummy pretzel rods, it was discovered that Gil actually had a box of Entenmann's Pop'Ems in his kitchen that he was holding out on us!

Hey guys, here's a few old, mostly-stale pretzel rods. It's all we have in the house. Need to go to the store ........... what's that? Oh those? Those are nothing. Just delicious Entenmann's Pop'Ems. Yeah, we have a whole box of fresh Pop'Ems, but I didn't think you were in the mood for a delicious, glazed, plump pastry. I thought you'd prefer a dry, tasteless stick.

Gil tried to defend himself by explaining, "I'm a pretzel guy!"


Oh, these old things?

As our snacking picked up, so did the episode.

My wife and Gil's wife sure did like that Muay Thai boxing training. A lotta pectoral muscles this week on The Bach. I'm not sure what was louder, Mickey's grunting while doing sit-ups or my wife's groaning while she watched. To be honest, it was hard to hear over my own erotic noises while knuckle deep in those Pop'Ems.

The boxing results were really surprising though, partially because of who won, but mostly because of all the kicking. That was a lotta kicking! They should call it "kicking" instead of Muay Thai boxing. Hey guys, on today's date, you're gonna have to kick each other. It's an ancient Thai tradition: kicking. Who wants to kick someone first? I don't blame them, if I were involved in a kicking match, I would kick a lot too. I was seriously shocked that Blake (who my wife calls "Slopey Shoulders") was able to outkick Lucas. And Constantine took down Nick! Even more shocking was the fact that J.P. revealed himself to be a Jew. A Jewish dude who works in construction?!?! Does he build dental offices? Law firms? Has he ever actually used a pair of pliers? Are pliers things?

Just an excuse to show my favorite footballer, Pippo Inzaghi, kicking. 

Of course the least surprising thing that happened was Ames getting his butt kicked. Poor Ames. He's so lovable - I don't care what type of syndrome he may or may not have. It was great when he returned for the evening portion of the date:

Oh my gawd, Ames, how are you?

I'm good, I'm good. Thank you Carlos. I'm gonna start with the Caesar salad. Then, I think I'll move onto the rack of lamb. Is that good tonight? Or should I have some Pop'Ems. How are the Pop'Ems?

Ashley did seem concerned for Ames though. How could you not be? He had no idea how to kick! But shouldn't Ashley have joined Ames in the ambulance when he was being taken out of the kicking ring?

All right Ames! Take care of yourself! Enjoy the Thai hospital. Hopefully you'll get outta there with the same spleen you came in with! I'll just be here with these sweaty mens. Lucas is gonna teach me how to use a lob wedge while wedging his dork into my ass cheeks.  

Ashley really showed off her cold side on the 2on1 date - sending both of those stiffs home. I'm actually surprised it took her that long. I woulda sent 'em packing as soon as I saw them wearing pocket tees.

Big date today, big date! I think I'll go with the old pocket tee. The pocket tee never fails. Might have to hold a paper clip at some point.

By the way, this guy is an idiot.

I mean, Ashley didn't even listen to Ben C's side of the story. Granted, it didn't matter, he was still wearing a pocket tee, but she just trusts the word of a car phone salesman? Shocked that she's single.

And now next week is the return of Captain Dicknose.

Who knows what sort of golf shots he's going to try and teach her? My guess is that he's going to apologize, let her down for good, and attempt to promote his business. I hope Chris Harrison kicks him.

Cause if he doesn't, there's a chance Bentley will try to introduce golf to some unsuspecting Hong Kong hotel maid - who I imagine is probably way hotter than a 6.2. What happened to the days when we learned to play golf from midgets?

Look how little his little club is!

See those little birdies in the upper right hand corner of this blog-blog? Click those and follow TV Me Weef Wooches on Facebork and Twitty Twang! How amazing are those?!?!

The Morning Scone: Ashley Is Way Too Excited To See Bentley Next Week

I think that's just like a giant chair. I mean, that's not a love seat. That's a giant chair! I want a giant chair!

The Morning Scone is just a little something to nibble on every morning whenever I feel like posting. Stop back later for a full post on last night's ep of The Bachelorette.

I've never seen anyone quite as excited as Ashley was when they showed the preview for next week's reunion with Bentley. You could see the fear in her eyes, but she was also invigorated and ready. Very similar to the first time I went to Six Flags (I was 8) and the last time I went to Six Flags (31). I also pretty much feel that way any time I'm about to eat a Primo's hoagie.

And now Bentley's back, maybe because he wants to further promote his business, a Trampoline Arena in Utah. Yes, you read that correctly, a Trampoline Arena. An arena filled with trampolines. Now I loathe him as much as the next guy girl, but a Trampoline Arena?!?! BRILLIANT!

This guy may be a dicknose, but what an idea man!

I wanna learn more!

Look how freaking excited these kids are to jump on trampolines! Gary Green Shirt back there is totally freaking out. His fucking head is going to explode. And what is that hand-move that the kid in the grey is doing? That's like part Bruce Lee, part Lady Goggs. Even the other kids have no idea how many fingers they're supposed to hold up. They're going bonkers!

A little perusal on Bentley's website shows that for only $8, you can jump around on a trampoline like a lunatic. They also have trampoline dodge ball and trampoline aerobics (Airobics). I have no idea why they don't also have trampoline basketball or a trampoline fondue restaurant.

Check out Airborne Trampoline Arena here and come back later to TV Me Weef Wooches for a full post recapping last night's ep of The Bachelorette. In the meantime, I'm going to start planning a trip to Utah for me and the wife anyone who will go with me.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Miss USA Pageant: Not a C-section Scar in Sight!

God-dammit Alabama, put your right hand on your hip!

"Miss USA is by far the sluttiest pageant. Everyone knows that." - My Wife


As a young pervert, I didn't really notice a difference between Miss America, Miss USA, and Hustler's Clambake Queen of the Year. They were just hot chicks who looked nothing like my mother's friends. But now, as a seasoned 34 year old, my lechery is wise beyond its years. I can now appreciate Miss America's elegance, Miss USA's razor-burn and the concentration and focus it takes to bake a clam while squatting spread eegs. 

My wife told me that the Miss USA pageant embraces contestants with fake boobs and sexy outfits, two qualities that I admire - and would potentially look for if I were to ever hire a secretary, housekeeper or Offensive Coordinator. 

Coach Evster:  All right, we've got 4th and 2 - we're going for it! Do you think we should go play-action, or plow up the gut with Nagurski? They can't stop Nagurski!

Offensive Coordinator Miss Oregon:  I think that if we were faced with a short yardage situation on fourth down, it would be very important for us to gain a first down, because first downs are important for the well-being of not just our team, but our community. 

Coach Evster: Yeah, yeah, definitely, that's true. But c'mon, the play-clock is winding down. So run? Pass? Whaddya think?

Offensive Coordinator Miss Oregon:  Both running and passing are wonderful ways to teach children valuable life-lessons. When I was growing up, sports taught me how to challenge myself, how to set goals ...

Coach Evster:  Yeah, we're not gonna get this play off ... 3, 2, 1, delay of game. Unbelieveable. Well now it's 4th and 7 - and we're outta field goal range. Gotta punt now. Gotta punt now! Send in Landeta! Thanks a lot Miss Oregon. Thanks a lot. 

Offensive Coordinator Miss Oregon:  Thank you. 

Sponsored by Pony! And couldn't they at least get Landeta a helmet decal?

The hosts for the 60th Miss USA pageant were Andy Cohen from Bravo, and Giuliana Rancic from Planet Neptune. I like Giuliana, I really do - she's got a decent personality and very glossy shins, but she looks like an alien. No disrespect to aliens! She just happens to look like one. Andy Cohen - who I also like - may be getting a little too famous and popular for my taste. Last night, after throwing out his catch phrase, "Mazel" to a contestant, he followed it up by saying, "M to the Azel." Now that's just ... that's just ... 

The pageant featured pretty much every American pageant stereotype - a hot chick from Hawaii, a black lady from Philly and a woman with buffalo arms from Delaware. When they narrowed it down to the final fifteen, of course Texas, New York and California made it, while North Dakota and Iowa were left behind. There were also a bunch of semifinalists from the South, once again reminding me that I made an idiotic decision to go to the University of Maryland instead of Alabama or Tennessee. This year's contestant from Murrland listed among her passions: COMPUTERS. She was also tanner than Miss Illadelph.  

Miss California, WHERE is the missing goldfish?!?!

Some of the other "passions" listed were: collecting shoes (Georgia), shooting rifles (Maine), manicures (Utah), karate (South Cackalack), spearfishing (Hawaii), ziplines! (Missouri), my personal favorite: shuffleboard (New Mexico) and of course, space exploration (California). 

Wow, you really look beautiful tonight Miss California. Thanks for going out on a date with me. I hear the food's great here. So tell me, what are some of your hobbies? Your passions. What are you into?

Wellllllllll, I lovvve yoga, I do a lot of yoga. 

Yeah, I've tried yoga. Not really my thing, but that's cool. 

I read a little bit, mostly nonfiction. 

Oh yeah? Nice. Me too actually. Just read the new ESPN book, it was great. 

And I love space exploration. You know, just getting in a rocketship and going. The great unknown, seeing what's out there. 

Yeah. Definitely. Sorry, what?

You know, Saturn, the rings of Saturn, just checking those out. Going left when you should go right. Hyperspeeds. Just exploring space, really. Seeing different galaxies, black holes. Those are crazy by the way! But definitely worth going to.

Right, just the check then. The check'll be fine.

Last night's panel of judges was certainly an interesting collection of people who will never again be mentioned in the same paragraph.

Mariel Hemingway - still alive!
Rocco Dispirito - still a douche.
Marcus Allen - still a free man after killing his wife, Nicole, and her boyfriend Ron Goldman.
Lil Jon - still the exact same person as the last time you saw him ten years ago.
Caroline Manzo - still need to follow her name with "from the Real Housewives of New Jersey." 
Tyson Chandler - still cashing in on his fifteen minutes.
Penn Jillette - still rocking that ridiculous pony / clydesdale tail.
Zuleyka Rivera - still the only Miss Universe to date someone under 5'9".
Suzi Weiss-Fischmann - still keeping the streak alive - 60 years of Miss USA with at least one panel member who no one has heard of.

Get away from him lady! ... Run!

The rest of the evening was dominated by ridiculously long torsos, and the even more ridiculous ramblings of Miss Alabama and Kelly Osbourne, who did the play-by-play in the booth. In Miss Alabama's defense, she spent seven days in a coma after a car accident and may not yet have her mental capabilities totally in order. In Kelly Osbourne's defense, her father used to eat rats.

At one point in the show, right after someone else told us that Miss Alabama spent months in a wheelchair, Miss Alabama strutted on stage and Kelly said, "Wow, look at her walk!" I'm not making this up. Later, Miss Alabama said that if she could have one meal with anyone, it'd be Helen Keller. Now I'm not saying that Helen Keller wasn't a nice person and a potentially enjoyable lunch partner, I'm just saying I could name around 46,000 other people I'd rather dine with. One of which, amazingly, would be Kelly Osbourne.

The crown was awarded to the aforementioned space explorer, Miss Cali, Alyssa Campanella, who also let it be known that she was a bit of a history buff. She admitted to watching Game of Thrones, the Tudors, and Game of Thrones. With those kinds of credentials, I could definitely see her teaching history at Maryland.

Not to mention, the Chesapeake Bay is very well known for it's clambakes.

Halle Berry below!

Stuff I Made: The Last Day of Spring

Click here to watch on YouTube if this isht isn't working.

In honor of the last day of spring, here is my friend Hinkleberg's account of how this movie, The Last Day of Spring, came to be:
Evan and I suffered 26 hours to make this. Now it's your turn.

The Coolidge Corner theater in Brookline used to host open screenings and request that filmmakers make short films based on a monthly theme. Despite having over 30 days to prepare for "The Last Day of Spring," Evan and I waited until the Friday before and slapped this together following the premise, "Let's make something awful. And act like it's awesome." My recollection is that Evan mostly watched the World Cup while I sat in my bedroom editing and photoshopping furiously. But still, I think I put in about 26 hours total. And this is the result.

Imagine what 30 days could have yielded! (The same, only in widescreen.)

The Morning Scone: Celebrate the Last Day of Spring with Miss USA

Flashing the devil horns - very telling.

Congratulations this morning to Alyssa Campanella, the new Miss USA. Alyssa seems like a very peculiar beauty contestant - including as her passions: history and SPACE EXPLORATION. She also claims to be BEST FRIENDS with runner-up Miss Tennessee - totally normal, to be best friends with some lady from the other side of the country who you just met that week. Totally normal.

Congratulations also to the 27 viewers out there who finished watching Season One of The Killing. Last night, I almost put my fist through a wall (SPOILER ALERT) after the season ended WITHOUT divulging the killer. Instead, they threw a final wrinkle into the last scene where some guy mumbled something that my wife and I couldn't understand. The character who mumbled is a character who often mumbles, because apparently mumbling is a charming quality in a television character (see: Barbarino, Vinny).

I will be celebrating this last day of spring by watching The Bach tonight, but you should kick the day off by watching Hooray For Funn's, "Last Day of Spring", my favorite video that we ever made. Watch here.

You can still find 'em.

Great week of TV watching coming up: Wimbledon (all week), Ice Loves Coco (whenever I see that it's on), The NBA Draft (HOLY ISHT! Thursday) and True Blood aka a show that I think is so dumb / sort of entertaining and that my wife goes FRIGGIN BONKERS for! (Sundee)  

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Morning Scone: Mailbag Edish

How dope were floppy disks?

This morning, I'm cleaning out the ole TV Me Weef Wooches inbox, which was literally flooded with emails from loyal readers. No seriously, a couple readers were over last night and spilled water all over my computer. It's possibly ruined. Every time I hit the "Tab" key I get shocked. This is terrifying. But I'm not complaining, that's what my therapist is for!

All right, here we go.

If you could be a character/contestant on any of the shows you follow, which would it be? And, why? - Your loyal reader, Rod Roddy 

Wow Rod Roddy, way to start the mailbag off with the dumbest, most cliché, most boringest question ever. This is like a question from a child. Are you in third grade? Seriously, are you a third grader? The sad thing is, I actually know Rod Roddy! I play basketball with him on Tuesday nights - and when I saw Rod the other day, he immediately apologized for asking such a lame question. He was so embarrassed. And he should be! But hey, I'm still thankful that Roderick wrote in, so I might as well answer the question. 

It's a no-brainer ... WIPEOUT!

That show is insane! Bouncing giant balls, mud slingin', screaming ... sounds exactly like my pre-teen sex life. Oh whatever Ev, save it for your therapist!

Pretty sure I had a Penthouse circa 1987 with this exact same pose.

Dear, How the heck are ya?  I am writing to you because I don’t understand how you watch all of this TV and don’t watch what I think is the most entertaining of all the programs out there … America’s Got Talent! Whether you are witnessing amazingness or someone who thinks they are amazing, the sh*t is off the hook! Funny, entertaining, attention-grabbing, never-been-seen-before acts, never want-to-see-it-again acts, etc. Best part of the bad people is they actually think they are good. They are dead serious. - Josh, Bala Cynwyd, PA

The seriousness of people on reality shows is what makes it both unbelievable and at times unwatchable. The Bachelorette, America's Next Top Lunatic, So You Think You Can Dance - probably the three most serious shows not including Nova. How serious is that show?!

I actually wrote a little bit about America's Got Talent in yesterday's Scone, and must admit, I kinda like So You Think You Can Dance more. Besides B-Boys doing headspins and interpretive dancers pretending to dance, when the contestants on SYTYCD learn that they've earned a ticket to Vegas, they freak out like people who actually watch Nova. It's really embarrassing. They jump and spin and twist and weep. It's like they're on Wipeout, except without the erotica. Although some of those dancers wear VERY short shorts.

Speaking of nova ... SO much better than scones ... no offense to scones!

Dancers and musical theater folk are a whole different type of crazy person than normal crazy people. I know this because my friend Loaves and I once wrote a play called The Worst Musical Never Made and had to hang out and work with actors and dancers. One guy kept pronouncing the word "nourishment," "nyour-ish-ment." "Nyouurishment." Dude, it's nourishment. Nurrishment. Nurrish. Mint. But quickly. Nurrishmint. Pronounce the word right. It's like a third grade word. It's your only line in this play. "Nyouurishmint ... Nyouuuurrrrishment." It was infuriating. 

Below is an excerpt from a review of the play from The Theater Mirror - New England's Live Theater Guide.

"In my opinion ... the "bit parts" shine while those carrying the plot cannot simply Be but are hampered by flimsy writing."

Flimsy writing?! Flimsy writing?!?! Thanks Theater Mirror!  

Speaking of flimsy writing, I can't tell you how many grammatical errors I had to clean up in that email above from Josh. My backspace button is literally smoking right now. Josh, are you a classmate of Rod Roddy's by any chance?

An actual photo from the play. Not even yoking.

How's this going? - Aubre, Philly

I think it's going pretty well! 

Although to be quite honest, I'm a little flabbergasted that NO ONE has emailed me or commented about those little Facebook, Twitter and RSS icons that I added on the upper-right-hand side of the blog. They're boids! And you can click on 'em to follow me! I was thinking about dedicating an entire post to those boids. And to the print feature that I've added to this here blog-blog. Hasn't anyone noticed?!?! I'm taking TV Me Weef Wooches to the next lev!

I grew up near Bala Cynwyd, and now live in Austin. When I first moved here for work I drove around Pflugerville because of its proximity to the office. It's nothing like Austin.  – Hope, Austin, TX 

Wow, such an ambiguous email from Hope. "The office?" What is this mysterious office that Hope works in? And where exactly did she grow up? If it was near Bala Cynwyd, does she also know Josh? And how big are her breasts?

I mean, that's a short skirt.

Does anyone still watch the Bachelorette? I can't bring myself to be put through this go-round. Snoozefest with a door prize at the end. Also can you explain why they chose her? Thanks. - Concerned in Philadelphia

You are living a lie, Concerned in Illadelph. You know you're into it! You email me pretty much every day to discuss the show or to try and convince me to eat tacos in seedy neighborhoods. 

ABC chose Ashley because they knew she'd be serious, they knew she'd be all into it, they knew she was insecure, they knew she was vulnerable, they knew she had an ass that thinks it can dance, and they knew she'd wear really short shorts that caused men to spill water all over their laptops.

So stop complaining and enjoy the ride!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a therapist to see ... an appointment with the Geek Squad ... to masturbate!

You trying to get involved in this here email game? Send in your thoughts, questions and mud-covered pictures to


The Morning Scone: America's Got Talent at Making Bizarre Websites

This little girl can perfectly fold a J Crew sweater without using her teeth.

This guy Josh that I work with is always nagging me to watch America's Got Talent. Every Thursday he's like, "Did you watch, did you watch? Did you see the lady dive 50 feet into a bowl of soup? Did you see the guy who ate a whole truck? Did you finish that project you've been working on for the last three weeks? It was due yesterday. Seriously, where is it? Have you been blogging at work again? You have, haven't you? I can have you fired you know."

Well not only did I not watch America's Got To Thinking They Can Dance last night, but I actually spent some time on this website, quite possibly the strangest thing I've seen on the Internet since Anthony Weiner's scrote. It's safe for work, but is probably best viewed at home - or on a co-worker's computer who you don't really care about.

Or, if you're more like Josh and don't eat carbs, zip ahead to the 1:55 mark of this video below to see a fantastic impression of Kathy Griffin. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wednesday's Wifey: Derek Jeter's Jawn - Minka Kelly


As Jeets approaches 3,000 hits and 3,000 STDs, this Wednesday I'm profiling his (current) fiancée, Minka Kelly.

Now before last night when I asked my wife who Minka Kelly was, I had never heard of her - but apparently Minka Kelly is the new Hansel (so hot right now). In 2010, Minka was named "Sexiest Woman Alive" by Esquire magazine who apparently thinks Christina Hendricks is dead. Minka is also slated to star in the upcoming remake of Charlie's Angels, whose original cast is only 33% dead. There is no truth to the rumor that ABC is also remaking Mork and Minky, because that show sucked and Mork Wahlberg is not available.

A quick Internet search taught me that Minka is the only child of an exotic dancer and former Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay (or "Dick Roofie" as he's known at most exotic dancing establishments). Minky got her big break playing a cheerleader on the TV show Friday Night Lights, which was remade from a movie and also a book. Another quick Internet search for "what's a book?" yielded minimal results.

Willkommen to the Hair Cuttery training facility!

In preperashe for her role on Friday Night Lights, Mink-Mink practiced with the Pflugerville High School cheerleading squad (and yes, Pflugerville is an actual place). Seriously. Pflugerville, Texas. I'm from Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and have a lot of trouble relaying that to Comcast employees over the telephone. I can't imagine what it'd be like to explain Pflugerville. Regardless, the latest census in Pflugerville showed that during Minka's stay, the town's teenage-boner-rate went absolutely bonkers. A group of young men later attempted to rename the town, "Jon Bon Bonerville."

Here are some other interesting (not that interesting) facts about Pflugerville:

- 1849:  Pflugerville was founded by German immigrant Henry Pfluger.
- 1853:  Pfluger purchased a tract of land called "Brushy Knob."
- 1890:  As if Pflugerville wasn't funny enough, a shooting and bowling club was started called, "Pflugerville Schuetzen and Kegel Verein."
- 2011:  The upcoming Pflugerville Pfireworks Pfestival was cancelled because of drought conditions.

Before Minka caused the rain to stop falling in Pflugerville, she was linked to both Donald Faison and John Mayer (who did not describe sex with her as being "sexual napalm").

Oh well, I just hope her marriage to Derek Jeter lasts longer than 3,000 minutes.

Napalm. The new shampoo from Pvidal Psassoon.

The Morning Scone: Coco, Bruce Jenner and Lords of the Underground

Now there's a scone you could nibble on ... FOR DECADES!

Finally got around to watching Ice Loves Coco yesterday and I must say, that show is aptly named! He really does love that donk. And she seems to really love him too. Seems as if they have the best relationship on reality TV (yes, better than Khloe and Lamar Freaking Odom who I still can't believe is on a reality show!). That doesn't stop the fact that I would pay top dollar for a chance to play a round of Yahtzee on Coco's ass.

Also caught a little of the Keeping Up With the Kardashian's season premiere - that Bruce Jenner, that poor Bruce Jenner - he needs more face time on TV Me Weef Wooches. And Kim and her mom sure do hustle a lot. Those ladies work hard for their money! Personally, I think Kim should open a car wash called Kim Karwashian's.

The Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 is tonight, but I just can't take the Vancouver Canucks seriously without black, orange and yellow in their uniforms. Back in the day, the Canucks were 'bout it 'bout it in NHL '93 on Sega Genesis. They were unstoppable with Trevor Linden and Cliff Ronning, who my friend the Heis Dad nicknamed "The Chief Rocka." I have no idea why that nickname was both perfect and hilarious.

All right Lords of the Underground, take us out.

And the great Roc Raida, R.I.P.