Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wednesday's ex-Wifey (is back!): Maria Shriver (also back!)

That looks like a healthy chin / jawbone.

Before Terminator 2; before Linda Hamilton and her biceps persuaded chicks to want to look like dudes, there was one chick who was trying to persuade chicks to look like dudes for years.

That chick was Billie Jean King; but right after her and just before Linda Hamilton, there was another chick who was trying to get chicks to look like dudes; that was Nancy Leiberman-Klein; but shortly after her for a small period of time right in between when Nancy Leiberman-Klein and Linda Hamilton and Billie Jean King were all trying to get chicks to look like dudes, there was another chick who was kind-of famous and was trying to get chicks to look like dudes, and that was Maria Shriver, this week's Wednesday ex-Wifey.

Maria Kennedy Shriver Schwarzenegger did not always sort-of look like a dude. Back when she and Arnold first got married, she looked like a normal person. Check out this picture of the newlyweds:

May I present to you, my wife, a normal looking human being (for now)!

But at some point, it became popular for chicks to look like dudes and Maria's jawline took on a life of its own. Because of this, chicks like Madonna, Kelly Ripa, Bethenny Frankel and every engaged woman nearing her wedding day now aspire to look like German decathletes.

So what will happen to Maria now that Arnold knocked up his intern? What is the next move for a single woman whose chin could literally bench-press a horse?

I see it going one of three ways.

Maria could:

a)   Slut it up like Mariah, Danielle Staub and every other 40-something divorcee in suburban Philadelphia. Not likely considering she's a Kennedy and Kennedy women DO NOT slut it up. Kennedy men on the other hand ... they be yankin. 

b)   Like Jackie O, meet an even wealthier man and escape out of the limelight to either Nantucket or Martha's Vineyard or some other pretentious island where they make outstanding lemonade. No way, she looks like a dude, remember? Who's gonna settle down with that jawline?

c)   Star in a new reality show called Maria Full of HGH where she travels the globe attempting to smuggle Human Growth Hormone and horse tranquilizers into the United States. Yep, you know the answer to that one: bing and bong! 

How is this acceptable? I can honestly see Bethenny's esophagus.


  1. HAHAHAHAH! How are there no comments? I am literally LOL-ing my ass out of my chair.

  2. Because you are the only person who actually reads this garbage!!

    Why don't you stop lollering and start helping me promote this isht?!?!

  3. As I explained to my colleagues yesterday over lunch, women lose subcutaneous fat as they age (this was reallllly interesting to my colleagues) and if you want to have a yankin' body as a 40+ year old woman, chances are your face is going to suffer. It's just a medical fact.

  4. My wife knows mad isht about subcutaneous fat!!

    Here's another medical fact for the readers out there: I have a chronic case of E.A.S.

    (Exploding Ass Syndrome)

  5. I've never met a man more industrious with some dip and a piece of tomato pie.

  6. Aubre is referring to the fact that I dipped my tomato pie in her seven layer dip this weekend.