Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Royal Wedding: Yes, I Did Wake Up at 5:30am to Watch and Yes I'm Aware of How Despicable That Is

"Ahhh Catherine, on a clear day like this, I can totally see Uranus."

Dear Osama bin Laden, 

Thanks for dying and stealing my thunder, you jerk. 

Yours truly, 

- Catherine Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge

Kate Middleton, who was all smiles on Friday morning, must be absolutely livid right now after world renowned dicknose Osama bin Laden went and stole her thunder by getting killed this weekend. I mean, this guy could have gotten whacked at any point during the last decade, did it really have to be on the weekend of the Royal Wedding? Doesn't the Duchess of Cambridge deserve at least 48 hours of attention? Don't Navy Seals care AT ALL about People magazine?

Navy Seal Guy:  Hey bin Laden, got any last words?

Bin Laden:  Ohhhhh c'monnn. Are you serious? Now? Right after the Royal Wedding? That's not very sensitive of you now, is it?

Navy Seal Guy:  Sorry man, it's time to show you how blue steel feels.

Bin Laden:  Yeah that's an original line. Look, at least wait until after Joan Rivers's Fashion Police show. It's the right thing to do.

Navy Seal Guy:  Was blowing up the Twin Towers the right thing to do?

Bin Laden:  Oh now you're bringing up old shit?

Navy Seal Guy:  You got ten seconds bin Laben.

Bin Laden:  Did you just call me bin Laben?

Navy Seal Guy:  No, I said bin Laden.

Bin Laden:  Pretty sure you said bin Laben.

Navy Seal Guy:  Pretty sure your ten seconds are almost up.

Bin Laden:  All right, all right. Look, I understand that you have to do this and I understand that blowing up the towers was kind of wrong, but I'd just like to say that stealing a bride's thunder is REALLY WRONG.

Wife of former Buffalo Bills linebacker, Darryl Talley.

Meanwhile, poor Catherine had her attention ripped away not only by the world's most wanted criminal, but also by her very own sister! Pippa Middleton (and her plunging neckline) introduced herself to the world on Friday morning and immediately became one of the world's most eligible bachelorettes, alongside Chantal O and Cole Hamels. Thanks a lot Pipps! Have fun sleeping in the dungeon!

And not only was the future Queen disrespected, but the girls in my office had a field day on Friday morning ripping into Prince William, calling him "ugly" and Prince Harry "cute." Really, they were just trying to say that Prince William is "bald" and Prince Harry is "not." What they fail to recognize is that Prince William also has "charisma" while Prince Harry has "syphilis."

Prince William after one week of marriage.

No one knows how much hair bin Laden had, or what communicable diseases he was carrying, but we do know that he was rocking a pretty impressive salt 'n pepper beard for the last few decades. And I understand that praising bin Laden's beard is wrong, much like rooting for Michael Vick is wrong or hoping that Lamar Odom gives every Kardashian syphilis is wrong (including Bruce Jenner, INCLUDING BRUCE JENNER), but it must be stated that bin Laddy Lads had potential to sell quite a few hip-hop albums. Also, when you watch those clips of O.b.L. sitting Indian-style in the mountains and talking about murdering people with his friends, he actually looks like a calm, charming dude. Now I know, I know, he killed thousands of people AND stole Kate Middleton's thunder, but I've got to admit, he looks like the kind of guy that I'd want to watch playoff hockey with.

Back to the wedding, which I watched LIVE with my beautiful wife, only to fall asleep thirty minutes in because IT WAS 5:30AM! My wife was very excited about Kate's dress (she really liked the pleats), while I was most intrigued by how clean all the cars were. And I'm not even a car guy. In fact, when I go to get my car worked on, I just nod my head and repeat the last word of whatever my mechanic says.

Carl the Mechanic:  Looks like you've got a blown out rotor. Probably because of the shaft injector.

Me:  Yeah, that shaft injector.

Carl the Mechanic:  And I noticed your axles are a little sharp. Been feeling anything stiff with the chassy?

Me:  Aw man, the chassy? Definitely, definitely feels a little stiff. The chassy that is. I'm talking 'bout the chassy.

Carl the Mechanic:  You don't know shit about shit, do you?

Me:  Uhhh, I know a little something about blogspot. What do you know about blogspot?

That "L" means "Learner's Permit" and I'm not even yoking.

I doubt that Prince William has that kind of trouble with his mechanic. I also doubt that any of the women in his office make fun of the fact that he's balder than Phillip Drummond. But I do know for sure that he's going to have one crazy woman to deal with this week on his honeymoon. And he'll probably try to fix it all by telling her to put things in perspective, when really he should just shut up and let her complain. I know this because I'm married, and my wife is scarier than any Navy Seal, international terrorist, or slightly overweight Kardashian sister out there.

And her dog house is a very dark and very cold place.

Much darker and much colder than any dilapidated mansion just north of Islamabad. And that's the truth, Pippa!

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  1. First of all, I don't know why I'm still reading this thing. Secondly, I love that you sheepishly disguised the release of p-cast 3 under this post, because it is probably just as bad as the first. And c) how are you so hilarious?
    Fan for life (or until someone funnier comes along),
    g $

  2. I think that was a compliment. Thanks?

  3. I think you guys did a nice job with the podcast this week, I didn't have to skip over any of it or constantly think about turning it off. Success!

  4. Another backhander!

    Like a young Boris Becker!

  5. People use the backhand because it seems cooler, when in fact a real compliment is always appreciated. Although I think Shirley miiiight be biased about this podcast for some reason.

  6. In the last 24 hours I have seen Stanley Havili AND Jason Werth around center city. Now I am commenting on Televishion me weefe wooches or whatever the hell this thing is called. Thank god you haven't abandoned the written word for those podcasts. I actually made it 30 seconds on this last effort.

  7. If only you made it to the :35 second mark, we gave away a new car!