Monday, May 16, 2011

The Killing: All Right, We Get It - It Rains A Lot in Seattle

How is this considered proper rain-gear?!?!

A lot has happened on The Killing since I last wrote about it; like 4,000 inches of rainfall in Seattle. Now I've been to the Pacific Northwest, and it definitely rains a lot, but not ALL DAY EVERY DAY! I'm thinking that after the success of Mad Men, AMC went out and bought some sort of supersonic rain making machine and now wants to get their money's worth. Similar to how my mother used to by around 13 bottles of gefilte fish during Passover and then we'd be forced to eat gefilte fish well into late July.

Let's go back to the TV My Wife Watches dinner table circa 1985 - 

Brother:  Awww man, gefilte fish again?

Mom:  Boy, don't you go sassing about gefilte fish! That there's fine South Carolina gefilte fish. Got thirteen jars for thirteen dollars.

Brother:  Yeah, but we've been eating it for two months now ...

Mom:  Thirteen jars for thirteen dollars! Do you know how much that comes to for one jar?!

Brother:  Well, yeah, a dollar each, that's like simple division, but ...

Me:  You don't have to actually buy thirteen jars. You can just buy one jar and still ...

Mom:  Don't you go telling me what I can do! What I tell you boys about telling people what to do?! 

My Brother and Me (in unison):  Never tell people what to do.

Mom:  That's right, now eat your gefilte fish.

Brother:  But Mommmm, we don't even have any horseradish.

Mom:  Don't have horseradish? Don't have horseradish?!?! Well what you call this then?!?!

Mom slams a giant radish onto the table. 

Brother:  I'd call that just a radish.

Me:  Yeah, I'm pretty sure horseradish has other stuff in it too. Not just radishes. Mom, what is horseradish made of?

Mom:  What?! Horbsrabish? What I tell you boys about asking questions?

My Brother and Me (in unison) Never ask people questions unless you're prepared to fight them.

Mom:  That's right. Now are you boys prepared to fight your Mama?

My Brother and Me (in unison):  No, Mom. 

Mom:  You wanna go 15 rounds with me? 

My Brother and Me (in unison):  No, Mom.  

My Dad lifts his head up from his third piece of gefilte fish. 

Dad:  Actually, the International Boxing Federation just reduced the number of rounds in prize fights from fifteen down to twelve. I think it has something to do with ...

Everything stops. 

Silverware is put down. 

Chews become gulps. 

The only sound heard is the faint dripping of the faucet and my father's grumbling intestines. My mother bites her lip and slowly turns her head towards my father. I keep my head down (and very still), trying to peek out the side of my eyeballs to see what's happening. My father simply puts his heads down, gets up, pushes his chair in, and walks straight into the closet. He will not be seen or heard from again until late Spring, 1993.

Nice job, dude.

The female cop lady, Sarah Linden, sure is a loose cannon. Sneaking into trucks, stealing pictures of stuff, getting stuff emailed, thinking about smoking cigarettes, being mean to her partner Detective Dickpants. But you can't deny that she's a good detective. I particularly liked a few weeks ago when she got Bennet OCK-med's wife to open up about their relationship by pretending that she too had a crush on one of her high school teachers. I unfortunately never really had a teacher that I had a crush on, but that didn't stop me from masturbating to them all day every day. Ahhh, I remember those teachers well: Mr. Stephens, Mr. Goldfarb, Mr Ludens ... I'm kidding, I'm kidding ... Mr. Chalmers, Mr. Lennon, Mr. Sherman ... 

Of the three other people that I talk to that actually watch this show, they all seem to like Detective Dickpants. I like him too, and recently found out that the actor who plays Detective Dickpants is actually Swedish! I love Swedish stuff: fish, lingonberry soda, Freddie Ljungberg. The same cannot be said for Darren Richmond, the politician with the raspy voice and way too normal haircut. I'm not sure what he brings to the table besides having the world's raspiest voice, but I'm guessing he had an affair with Rosey or illegally grows lingonberries or something. And the scene where he banged his assistant, Gwen, on his desk was only semi-erotic and paled in comparison to any scene from Game of Thrones (pronounced "Game of Frones"). 

Ladies, this is Freddie Ljungberg.

While Darren the raspy-voiced politician is banging chicks with his pants still on, the Larson family is totally crumbling. Mama Maenad is essentially serving her children gefilte fish every night while the father, Kevin James, is losing his isht. The scene where he had a meltdown in the gas station bathroom was really heartbreaking, partially because of his great acting and partially because he had to sit on the floor of a gas station bathroom! Now I'm a guy who's not scared of germs and gross stuff (I'll eat that gefilte fish gel all day e'eryday), but gas station bathrooms are notorious for being THE F**KING DIRTIEST PLACES EVER. In fact, in 2003, Dateline NBC did a study and found that the only places dirtier than gas station bathrooms were:

- laundromats
- 7-Elevens
- the Vancouver Canucks' locker room
- Mexico City
- the area directly behind Jane Fonda's kneecaps

Another great scene was when the little Larson kid went to the store in his pajamas to get himself some malk so he could eat some of his dead sister's cereal. Have you noticed the names of the cereals the kids have eaten so far? Bits and Pieces, Fruit Zooms and Frosted Stars. Not bad names! I'd eat those cereals! I would love to see the rest of the writers' list of fake cereal names that they came up with and didn't use. I came up with a few of my own:

- Boats of Oats
- Cinnamon Balls
- Zumba Pants
- Scrod Flakes (from the isles of Southern Sweden)
- Scrod Balls (from Mexico City)

Best cereal ever. LOOK HOW BIG THIS BOX IS!

But of all the scenes so far on The Killing, the most riveting had to be the one where Kevin James took Bennet on a late-night drive during a hurricane. Clearly we knew Mr. Larson wasn't going to kill him, but then again, because The Wire killed off characters like whoa, you never really know these days! It was probably so frustrating for Bennet's wife to have to keep calling him, only for the phone to go to voicemail, which happens to be THE MOST FRUSTRATING thing about my wife. If I ever have to pick her up somewhere or have to get in contact with her, she does not answer her phone. Even when I've talked to her five minutes beforehand, like, "Okay Dar, I'll be at 69th street in no time, pick you up in five minutes," and then twenty minutes later, she'll get to the car and be like, "Oh sorry, I had my phone in my purse and didn't hear you calling." YO DAR, how hard is it to just keep your phone out?!?! You knew I was picking you up! When people are picking me up or I'm expecting a call, I keep that isht in my hand! Like a 14 year old girl walking around the mall. And I hold it right to my chest too! Like a boss!

Look at whats-her-name cleaned up a little bit!

Here are without a doubt the most frustrating things about being in a relationship, period:

- My wife just moving stuff around in our house, for no reason other than the fact that they're just "bothering her." And these things will always be important papers of mine, or things that I need whenever I'm leaving the house in a hurry. Things she loves to move are: iPod cords, Sports Illustrateds and the salt shaker.

- During the final two minutes of NBA Playoff games, my wife has an innate ability to find a spider that NEEDS to be killed at that very moment. 

- My wife getting angry when I buy a new bluetooth headset for a PlayStation 3 when I don't actually have PlayStation 3, but occasionally play FIFA at my buddy Law's house. 

- My wife leaves PERFECTLY GREAT umbrellas everywhere!

Also, why doesn't anyone in Seattle ever wear a rain-jacket or carry an umbrella? And who the freak lives on a boat?!?! I've been on like three boats in my life and barfed every time. Although, kinda smart considering Hurricane Larson is tearing through Seattle.

At this point in the show, I have no idea who the killer is, but it sure does seem like this Bennet OCK-med is up to something. Then again, Detective Linden lives on a boat, which means she probably has some weirdo-boating-neighbors who live next door. They probably did it. 

That's my prediction: it was the strange neighbor, on the boat, with an umbrella.  

Admiral OCK-bar


  1. HA. Gabulous was also criticizing the terror-linked teacher for his lack of wet weather foresight. Come on guy, it rains every damn day where you live. That aside, you're back! Thank god, a hilarious post about something relevant to MY life. No more having to stab my ears when those pod casts pop up. Why does everything we need for that particular day bother women so much? Maybe it's a cry for attention. I am definitely going to get smacked around now.

  2. Her hair is SO annoying, with that dreaded ponytail and the little wisps of dog ears that dangle alongside her pale face. Yuck. Why is the show so damn slow? Sadly, I think the only reason we watch it is because you blog about it.

  3. For the record, I said nary a peep about your precious headset. And I just saw Denzel at Penn's commencement. Yeah Denzel!!!

  4. Thad - the last podcast was NOT horrible

    Gabbles - the show might actually be incredibly boring when politicians are not ramming chicks on their desks

    Darrie - I never told you how much that headset ACTUALLY cost ... also, did Denzel wear a bluetooth during his speech like EVERY OTHER black dude in this world? ... also, is that racist? ... I think it is!

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