Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Bachelorette: the Most Boring Trip to Vegas Since My Folks Took Me To See Barbra Streisand When I Was 15


This past weekend my step-grandmother-in-law told me,

"Evan, it may be the two glasses of wine talking, but I think I like you."

So in honor of this backhanded compliment? insult? drunken blabbering? let's take a look at some of the most memorable quotes from last night's episode of The Bachelorette.

Also, for the record, my grandmother-in-law pretty much looks and acts exactly like a young George Foreman.

Makes total sense for George Forms to be at the Nick Jr. awards.

"I'm looking for someone who's serious." - Ashley

Then look no further than Mask Guy! the most serious human being on the planet! Has this guy cracked one joke yet? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love his shtick, and DESPERATELY want him to win this thing, but can he at least acknowledge that the mask thing is kinda funny? I keep waiting for him to say something during a confessional like, "I know this mask thing is silly, but I'm trying to prove a point here, so just go with it. Also, I'm in the mask business," but it hasn't happened.

Even more fascinating is the fact that the other guys hate him SO MUCH for wearing that mask. It's like they're forced to live with Charles Manson, or Alex Trebek, or that guy from the movie Mask who's face seriously looked like a mask and should've gotten an Academy Award for "Best Actor in a Movie Where I Seriously Couldn't Look at the Dude Because His Face Seriously Looked Like a Mask and Masks are Scary."

You're not fooling anyone, Stoltzy!

"We're eating dinner in front of the famous Bellagio Fountains!" - Ashley again

Whoa whoa whoa and whoa. The famous Bellagio Fountains? Famous? Let's calm down a second here, Ash. I'd call the Trevi Fountain famous, and I'd even call the fountain in Philadelphia's Love Park infamous, for the astonishing urine to water ratio, but the Bellagio? Famous? I had never even heard of it until last night.

And this is coming from a guy who REALLY likes fountains. Or any type of moving water, really. I've been known to stare at flowing water for hours. Waterfalls, babbling brooks, creeks, sinks; I will stare at a sink all night. Bring me a sink right now, I will seriously stare at it. I will also drink from it. I love drinking from sinks. Hoses too. I also love drinking from glasses. I just love drinking. All liquids really. Not coconut water though for some reason. Unless it came out of a hose. Yep, this is by far the dumbest paragraph I've ever written.

That being said, LIFE magazine lists the Bellagio Fountain as one of the 15 most famous, fabulous fountains in the world. I will take a piss on LIFE magazine.

Every time, and I mean EVERY time I drink Strawberry Milk, I get a belly ache.

"Is that M.C. Hammer?" - My next door neighbor, Bridgette, after walking in during the middle of the Jabbawockeez's choreography. 

Just two quick things to say about the Jabbawockeez:

1. I don't think they're that good of dancers. I mean, they do some nice jumps and spins and jack-knifes, but I wasn't that impressed! I'm much more impressed by some of the homeless dudes down at Love Park. Also,

2. Those masks are REALLY scary!

"We freaking had so much fun." - Some White Dude after performing with the Jabbawockeez.

Probably the all-time whitest phrase ever said.

"I don't think she's in it for the right reasons." - my friend, Pat, after Ashley mentioned how good-looking all the dudes were over and over again.

I agree!

I think Ashley is in this just to be admired, to be fought over, and for the free trips to countries that no human being would ever actually go to. I think she thinks she's there to find a husband, but if that was the case, would she really have given a rose to a guy with a mask?!?!

And what is she doing holding hands with EVERYONE? And when did hand-holding become a first-date activity? I think hand-holding is very intimate, and when I was single, I wouldn't hold a chick's hand in public until around year seven. To this day, I have never held my wife's hand. In fact, when we walk down the street together, I make sure to walk behind her, single-file, while playing the Darth Vader theme. She does NOT find this amusing.

This looks normal.

And on top of that:

"Why doesn't Ashley give open mouth kisses?!?! OMG! You can't tell what kind of kisser a person is if you don't go open mouth! You CANNOT leave a thing like that to chance!" - My Wife, after noticing that Ashley only gives closed-mouth kisses.

Two years ago, my wife noticed that Bachelorette Aly also only gave closed-mouth kisses, and went on to mention this every time she kissed someone, which was A LOT. I imagine that once it gets down to the nitty gritty, Ashley will start sucking on some tongues, but for now, my wife is just going to have to get her thrills from Game of Thrones. I, of course, will get mine from pouring water all over my wife's breasts. 

"Wow." - Mickey, after seeing the view from Ashley's room at the Bellagio.

Without a doubt the most boring and disappointing date in the history of the Bachelorette. Some guys get to go bungee jumping, some guys go to Thailand, Mickey got to sit and chat with some lady while looking at a city famous for Ecstasy, a non-piss-accessible fountain, and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

This blog blog has officially become erotica.

And what a snooze their date was! Topped off by Ashley suggesting they flip a coin to decide Mickey's fate. If I were Mickey Dolenz (and I'm not, I assure you, I am NOT Mickey Dolenz), and some lady suggested we flip a coin to decide my reality dating future, I woulda stormed outta that room and been like, "What?!?! Flip a coin for me?!?! Oh heyyylllll no. I'm outta this joint. But not before I piss out this window and into that fountain. By the way, can you hold onto me while I piss out this window? This is TERRIFYING and I am on Ecstasy."

"That's what I'm talking 'bout." - J.P., who instantaneously went from my favorite to my least favorite by rubbing his rose in the faces of every other dude. 

J.P., you gotta just do what the other dudes do when they get a rose: say "excuse me," and then push the guys out of the way. Still, I guess his reaction was better than beauty pageant runner-ups, who are not fooling anyone with their bullisht celebrations.

"My eyeballs are bleeding." - Me, after writing this post. 

And yet, I'm now going to spend three hours researching the G.L.O.W. girls on You Tube. How hot was the Farmer's Daughter?!?!

I remember her being hotter!

Are you following TVMWW on Twitter
Me neither!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

American Idol: This Here United States Sure is Filled with a Whole Lotta Country Folk

So this is what goes for an American Idol these days.

In honor of Scotty McCreery, the new American Idol, here's some pictures of my favorite southerners. 

Hillbilly Jim

I actually never even really liked this guy. Was much more of a King Kong Bundy fan.

Sling Blade Carl

I like them french fried potaters, mmm hmm. Alright den.

Tug McGroin

No idea what's going on here.

Jessica Simpson

The sunniest day in the history of Yellow Rump, Louisiana.

Mr. Belvedere

Slurp it up, Belvy! ... Slurp. It. Up.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Podcast Episode 4: Ev, Rev and Basha, the Real Housewife of Illadelph

Ev and Rev discuss Real Housewives, time capsules and the most bonkers reality TV moments of all time. Eventually, Rev's wife Basha feels compelled to join in.

Listen to episode 4 here.

Subscribe to the TVMWW podcast on iTunes. Just go to the iTunes music store, search for "TV My Wife Watches" and flizzim flazzem, you've got podcasts!

Also, follow Rev on Twitter @Rev215 and read his Philly sports columns at the700level.com.

Wednesday's Wifey: Khloe Kardashian

Lamar Odom has never looked cooler, but is that a lion on his shirt? And lasers?

Poor Khloe Kardash. If it isn't sad enough that she's by far the least attractive Kardashian (including Rob), now on the one day where she gets to be TVMWW's Wednesday Wifey, her sister Kim steals her thunder by getting engaged to a white person.

Why are Khloe's sleeves so short?!?!

I gotta hand it to Khloe though, she's the only one of her sisters who seems to actually be in a successful relationship. (WITH MOTHERFREAKING LAMAR ODOM BY THE WAY!!! HOW IS HE NOT SO EMBARRASSED TO BE ON THAT TV SHOW?!?! AND THE CRAZIEST THING IS, THEY SEEM TO REALLY BE IN LOVE!!! AND I'M HAPPY FOR THEM!!)

Kim's fiancé is a mediocre ballplayer while Kourtney's fella, Scott Disick, is one of the all-time biggest douchebags ever.

As if the sweater move wasn't enough ... lavender!!!

For the record, here are some pictures of the other all-time biggest douchebags:

Bronson Arroyo

That's a cool facial expression. 

The Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase

This guy had a slave! ... Virgil!

Oh hell, can I just show more pictures of Bronson Arroyo? THIS GUY IS SERIOUS!!!

I'd say we're looking at around a 117 degree obtuse angle. 

The Million Dollar Man woulda choked this dude!

A deep sea of blankets.

Wednesday's Wifey everybody!!

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Or go buy a chocolate covered pretzel. How good are those?!?!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Bachelorette: Be Careful Where You Bathe Ashley!

We may have found Rosie Larson's killer.

Let me make something clear: I love my wife very much (especially the fact that she baked cookies last night for the season premiere of The Bachelorette). But if I were to ever kill her, I would DEFINITELY place her dead body in our bathtub and tell the police that she had a "seizure" while bathing. It's the obvious move. Now I'm not saying that this guy West is a murderer, I'm just saying that I am very skeptical of white people in general, especially white people who jog with their shirts off. And also Comcast employees. And I also don't trust women who bake cookies on random Monday nights and then force me to eat 28 of them. What is this lady up to?!?!

Last night's Bachelorette debut had everything you'd want in a season opener: a homicidal maniac, a butcher, a drunk guy, a guy with a mask, a moderately attractive woman, a couple gay guys, the greatest impressionist since Rich Little, did I mention there was a guy wearing a mask?!?! And not even a good mask! It didn't even cover up his entire face! We could still totally tell whether or not he was good looking! And he was average looking!

Just wearing a mask. Not that big of a deal. It's like glasses, but a mask. A leather mask. 

Here is an exclusive transcript from ABC that shows the actual conversation last night between Ashley and the guy who thought it'd be a good idea to wear a mask on a television show.

Mask Guy:  Yeah, I'm wearing this mask because I want people to understand that there's more to love than what's on the outside.

Ashley:  Yeah, totally. You know I can pretty much see your entire face, right? The mask doesn't really cover you that well.

Mask Guy:  But can you see my heart?

Ashley:  Well, no, but I can totally see your whole bone structure. I mean, I can't see your eyebrows and cheeks, but I can still tell what you look like.

Mask Guy:  So you can see my confidence.

Ashley:  I can pretty much make out your entire head. Like I said, not really sure what your cheeks look like, but I can imagine. Why didn't you wear a bigger mask?

Mask Guy:  I tried, but the other masks were way too warm. Even this one is hot. My cheeks are sweating so much. You know this is actual leather? Like, full-grain horse leather. I have no idea why I chose to wear a leather mask. Can you see how much I'm sweating?

Ashley:  Yeah, do you wanna just borrow my snorkel? I brought a snorkel with me this season so I could give underwater HJs.

Mask Guy:  Could I?

Ashley:  Yeah, I actually have around seven of 'em.

This guy woulda been mysterious ... DOUBLE DEVIL HORNS!

As ridiculous as the Mask Guy was, the corniest and most pathetic line of the night was from Lucas, the dude from Texas, when he asked Ashley,

"Can I give you a hug? I'm a hugger. I'm from Texas."


"What can I say? I'm an eskimo kisser. I'm from Ohio."

The other introductions were fairly tame as far as embarrassing Bachelorette introductions go, but a few that I thought were the clammiest were:

- The guy who spoke French
- The guy who recited a poem
- Frank, the guy who had months to prepare his first impression and still decided to go with "The Wink"

There were also quite a bit of look-alikes in this year's crop. Such as:

Stephen the Hairdresser

They call this the "schwee-schwoop" hairstyle.

and Sasha Vujacic

Anyone know the Serbian word for "flutterballs?"

Mickey (who also kinda looks like Tom Hanks)

Yeah, my parents named me Mickey. It's awesome. 

and Marcel from Top Chef

I own several leather masks.

And even though he looks nothing like him, I can't hear the name Constantine without thinking of former University of Miami basketball player, and strangest looking man of all-time, Constantin Popa.

This picture does not do this Romanian string bean justice.

Other quick thoughts:

- Last night's driveway was the wettest driveway in the history of The Bach. I can't imagine how soaked the bottom of Ashley's dress was the entire night. Whenever I get dressed, I make sure to not walk back into the bathroom after I put my socks on for fear of having damp socks all day. And I also get scared that maybe there'll be a dead woman in my bathtub.

- Did anyone notice the only black dude on the entire episode? Answer revealed at the end (which is like, five sentences from now. Nice job, Ev. Almost as suspenseful as The Killing).

- The lone scene where Ashley actually looked LEGITIMATELY HOT was during the opening montage when she was writhing around on the Kimmel Center dance stage. I kind of wish she was wearing a leather mask.

That's about it for week one. Please know that I'm going to be putting it all out there this season, no regrets. I'm in the blog game for the right reasons. I'm gonna let my heart lead the way. No regrets. All out there. Right reasons. No regrets.

Then again, I didn't even discuss the drunk guy, the cellphone salesman or Bentley (aka Doctor Douchenstein). I guess maybe I won't be putting it all out there.

And the only black dude in the entire episode wasssssssss .........






And how did I not write about Ames?!?! That guy was unbelievable!

And the butcher!

C'mon, that's a REALLY wet driveway.

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Or look at this picture of 21 yr old Charles Barkley eating a pizza.

Monday, May 23, 2011

This is a Real Person!!

Hi. I can turn my head while having my shoulders face a slightly different direction.


One of the 30 dudes the Bachelorette has to choose from!

Here's Frank's bio from ABC.com with my thoughts in italics:

What are your 3 best attributes? Attitude. Positivity. FUN. Smile ... Isn't that four?!?!

Do you have any pets? 2 Chihuahuas: Pierre and Sweet Georgia Brown ... Chihuahuas!

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Went on a month-long backpacking trip to Europe on two weeks notice ... What about purchasing TWO chihuahuas?!?!

Tattoo Count: 3 ... Of course!!!

The Bachelorette starts tonight at 9er!

Exclamation points!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wednesday's ex-Wifey (is back!): Maria Shriver (also back!)

That looks like a healthy chin / jawbone.

Before Terminator 2; before Linda Hamilton and her biceps persuaded chicks to want to look like dudes, there was one chick who was trying to persuade chicks to look like dudes for years.

That chick was Billie Jean King; but right after her and just before Linda Hamilton, there was another chick who was trying to get chicks to look like dudes; that was Nancy Leiberman-Klein; but shortly after her for a small period of time right in between when Nancy Leiberman-Klein and Linda Hamilton and Billie Jean King were all trying to get chicks to look like dudes, there was another chick who was kind-of famous and was trying to get chicks to look like dudes, and that was Maria Shriver, this week's Wednesday ex-Wifey.

Maria Kennedy Shriver Schwarzenegger did not always sort-of look like a dude. Back when she and Arnold first got married, she looked like a normal person. Check out this picture of the newlyweds:

May I present to you, my wife, a normal looking human being (for now)!

But at some point, it became popular for chicks to look like dudes and Maria's jawline took on a life of its own. Because of this, chicks like Madonna, Kelly Ripa, Bethenny Frankel and every engaged woman nearing her wedding day now aspire to look like German decathletes.

So what will happen to Maria now that Arnold knocked up his intern? What is the next move for a single woman whose chin could literally bench-press a horse?

I see it going one of three ways.

Maria could:

a)   Slut it up like Mariah, Danielle Staub and every other 40-something divorcee in suburban Philadelphia. Not likely considering she's a Kennedy and Kennedy women DO NOT slut it up. Kennedy men on the other hand ... they be yankin. 

b)   Like Jackie O, meet an even wealthier man and escape out of the limelight to either Nantucket or Martha's Vineyard or some other pretentious island where they make outstanding lemonade. No way, she looks like a dude, remember? Who's gonna settle down with that jawline?

c)   Star in a new reality show called Maria Full of HGH where she travels the globe attempting to smuggle Human Growth Hormone and horse tranquilizers into the United States. Yep, you know the answer to that one: bing and bong! 

How is this acceptable? I can honestly see Bethenny's esophagus.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Part One - Hellllooooo Gorga!

This is a real person!

"I have seen the future of reality TV and its name is Joe Gorga."

That's what I tweeted last night after watching the Real Housewives of New Jerz season premiere, only to wake up this morning and realize that his name is actually Joe Borga. Then I did some fact-checking on a website called Boogle and saw that his name is actually Gorga (not Borga) which changes absolutely nothing other than the future search results for the entire Borga family when they Boogle themselves.

If you didn't understand that last paragraph, it doesn't matter; what does matter is that Joe Gorga introduced himself to the world last night in such a way that few people have ever matched.

He ...

- threw a violent temper tantrum
- bashed a table
- fought his brother-in-law
- cursed out his sister
- massaged his wife's feet
- nuzzled her toes
- weeped
- weeped in Italian
- made me scream, "THIS SHOW IS F**KING INSANE" a record 37 times during one 90 minute program

Sheindlin, huh?

As far as table-bashes go, it was a pretty good one. The anger and force with which he bashed said table was really impressive. Exacerbating the impact was the sudden CLANG of the silverware and glasses when Joe bashed. Also, was it me or did it look like he actually bashed the table with his wife's hand?! It was like her fist was a gavel and his name was Judge Jorga. And yes, "exacerbate" is the one SAT word that I actually bothered to learn (although I'm not entirely sure if I used it correctly).

I liked the moment when Rich (ohhhhh, Rich, we'll get to Rich later) stopped Joe and was like, "Dude, you're scaring your children," which was the biggest understatement since my mother said the same thing to my father when he vowed to become the first person to successfully drink coffee with a fork.

My brother and I still reminisce about the ridiculous things my father did growing up, like:

"Hey, remember the time Dad came downstairs in just his tightie whities and all of our friends saw his balls?"


"Hey, remember when we lost Dad at that folk festival and then found him six hours later in that barn asleep with a horse?"

Those are fun stories. The kind of stories that end with one of us going, "Yeah, that was amazing."

That horse is SO ASLEEP!

What memories will the Gorga kids have of their father? Oy yoy yoy, those kids are gonna be like,

"Hey, remember that time when Dad slammed Mom's fist into a table and then told Aunt Teresa to 'go f**k herself' and then tried to fight Uncle Joe and then weeped in Italian while telling Grandpa that he loved him and that he just wanted Grandpa to be proud of him? And he was drooling and sweating everywhere? And he left you alone crying in the corner? And then you wet your bed for the next eight years?" ... "Yeah, that was awesome. I actually still wet the bed so thanks for bringing that up, it's gonna be awesome trying to fall asleep tonight."

Clearly Joe Gorga is fighting some serious demons and was hurt in the past by his sister or father or steroid provider. To be quite honest, I actually feel really bad for him and Teresa and their entire family, but then again, I really enjoyed watching him weep last night, especially in Italian, which adds SO MUCH DRAMA to your standard, thirty-something male weeping.

Even more mind-blowing than witnessing Gorgy have a mental breakdown (or "Tuesday night" as he calls them) was watching him nuzzling his wife's toes; which was probably the single strangest / grossest / most erotic moment on television since Joe Millionaire rode in on his horse (not his horse).

Still haven't even mentioned this lady!!

More to come in part two later, where I'll take a look at Rich and his unbelievable image, Ashley (quite possibly the worst reality personality since Stuart Scott) and Melissa Gorga's love affair with Jesus.

Join the freaking revoloosh, follow TVMWW on Twitter!
Or just go out and get a bagel or something. I'm a poppyseed man, myself. 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Real Housewives of New Jerz: Guess Who's Back, Guess Who's Back, Guess Who's Back

Teresa Guidice with her three lovely daughters and a miniature gorilla. 

TONIGHT: Real Housewives of New Jersey - 9pm on Bravo.

What's new? - Some ladies

Who's gone? - Danielle - off to become a professional gutter slut

New lady.

What people are saying about it:

"I don't have cable and my Internet connection is spotty at best." - Jesse Feddd

"My only goal in life is to one day be on this show! Also, lifetime supply of beef jerky (if I could have 2 goals)." - Miss Ocean City, NJ, 2005

"I will never eat pizza again, if they will please make it stop." - Superfan, Thad S. 

"SWAG!" - Schmoopie Ross

"OMG - it's starting already?!?! Do the Guidice's still have enough money to drive a Hummer? What about that dumb ass who got kicked out of law school for being a rahtard? Is he working at BK? It's gonna be awesum!!!" - MegaSuperfan, Gabulous

"I'm theoretically excited about it, but when will I have time to clean the house and do Zumba???" - My Wife

"I love this blog - I love you - I never watch Housewives." - BonkersFan, Sheryl Braves

"Are you aware that the NBA conference finals just started? You've changed." - Sweddies

"F**k you." - Loaves, TVMWW's podcast producer

The Killing: All Right, We Get It - It Rains A Lot in Seattle

How is this considered proper rain-gear?!?!

A lot has happened on The Killing since I last wrote about it; like 4,000 inches of rainfall in Seattle. Now I've been to the Pacific Northwest, and it definitely rains a lot, but not ALL DAY EVERY DAY! I'm thinking that after the success of Mad Men, AMC went out and bought some sort of supersonic rain making machine and now wants to get their money's worth. Similar to how my mother used to by around 13 bottles of gefilte fish during Passover and then we'd be forced to eat gefilte fish well into late July.

Let's go back to the TV My Wife Watches dinner table circa 1985 - 

Brother:  Awww man, gefilte fish again?

Mom:  Boy, don't you go sassing about gefilte fish! That there's fine South Carolina gefilte fish. Got thirteen jars for thirteen dollars.

Brother:  Yeah, but we've been eating it for two months now ...

Mom:  Thirteen jars for thirteen dollars! Do you know how much that comes to for one jar?!

Brother:  Well, yeah, a dollar each, that's like simple division, but ...

Me:  You don't have to actually buy thirteen jars. You can just buy one jar and still ...

Mom:  Don't you go telling me what I can do! What I tell you boys about telling people what to do?! 

My Brother and Me (in unison):  Never tell people what to do.

Mom:  That's right, now eat your gefilte fish.

Brother:  But Mommmm, we don't even have any horseradish.

Mom:  Don't have horseradish? Don't have horseradish?!?! Well what you call this then?!?!

Mom slams a giant radish onto the table. 

Brother:  I'd call that just a radish.

Me:  Yeah, I'm pretty sure horseradish has other stuff in it too. Not just radishes. Mom, what is horseradish made of?

Mom:  What?! Horbsrabish? What I tell you boys about asking questions?

My Brother and Me (in unison) Never ask people questions unless you're prepared to fight them.

Mom:  That's right. Now are you boys prepared to fight your Mama?

My Brother and Me (in unison):  No, Mom. 

Mom:  You wanna go 15 rounds with me? 

My Brother and Me (in unison):  No, Mom.  

My Dad lifts his head up from his third piece of gefilte fish. 

Dad:  Actually, the International Boxing Federation just reduced the number of rounds in prize fights from fifteen down to twelve. I think it has something to do with ...

Everything stops. 

Silverware is put down. 

Chews become gulps. 

The only sound heard is the faint dripping of the faucet and my father's grumbling intestines. My mother bites her lip and slowly turns her head towards my father. I keep my head down (and very still), trying to peek out the side of my eyeballs to see what's happening. My father simply puts his heads down, gets up, pushes his chair in, and walks straight into the closet. He will not be seen or heard from again until late Spring, 1993.

Nice job, dude.

The female cop lady, Sarah Linden, sure is a loose cannon. Sneaking into trucks, stealing pictures of stuff, getting stuff emailed, thinking about smoking cigarettes, being mean to her partner Detective Dickpants. But you can't deny that she's a good detective. I particularly liked a few weeks ago when she got Bennet OCK-med's wife to open up about their relationship by pretending that she too had a crush on one of her high school teachers. I unfortunately never really had a teacher that I had a crush on, but that didn't stop me from masturbating to them all day every day. Ahhh, I remember those teachers well: Mr. Stephens, Mr. Goldfarb, Mr Ludens ... I'm kidding, I'm kidding ... Mr. Chalmers, Mr. Lennon, Mr. Sherman ... 

Of the three other people that I talk to that actually watch this show, they all seem to like Detective Dickpants. I like him too, and recently found out that the actor who plays Detective Dickpants is actually Swedish! I love Swedish stuff: fish, lingonberry soda, Freddie Ljungberg. The same cannot be said for Darren Richmond, the politician with the raspy voice and way too normal haircut. I'm not sure what he brings to the table besides having the world's raspiest voice, but I'm guessing he had an affair with Rosey or illegally grows lingonberries or something. And the scene where he banged his assistant, Gwen, on his desk was only semi-erotic and paled in comparison to any scene from Game of Thrones (pronounced "Game of Frones"). 

Ladies, this is Freddie Ljungberg.

While Darren the raspy-voiced politician is banging chicks with his pants still on, the Larson family is totally crumbling. Mama Maenad is essentially serving her children gefilte fish every night while the father, Kevin James, is losing his isht. The scene where he had a meltdown in the gas station bathroom was really heartbreaking, partially because of his great acting and partially because he had to sit on the floor of a gas station bathroom! Now I'm a guy who's not scared of germs and gross stuff (I'll eat that gefilte fish gel all day e'eryday), but gas station bathrooms are notorious for being THE F**KING DIRTIEST PLACES EVER. In fact, in 2003, Dateline NBC did a study and found that the only places dirtier than gas station bathrooms were:

- laundromats
- 7-Elevens
- the Vancouver Canucks' locker room
- Mexico City
- the area directly behind Jane Fonda's kneecaps

Another great scene was when the little Larson kid went to the store in his pajamas to get himself some malk so he could eat some of his dead sister's cereal. Have you noticed the names of the cereals the kids have eaten so far? Bits and Pieces, Fruit Zooms and Frosted Stars. Not bad names! I'd eat those cereals! I would love to see the rest of the writers' list of fake cereal names that they came up with and didn't use. I came up with a few of my own:

- Boats of Oats
- Cinnamon Balls
- Zumba Pants
- Scrod Flakes (from the isles of Southern Sweden)
- Scrod Balls (from Mexico City)

Best cereal ever. LOOK HOW BIG THIS BOX IS!

But of all the scenes so far on The Killing, the most riveting had to be the one where Kevin James took Bennet on a late-night drive during a hurricane. Clearly we knew Mr. Larson wasn't going to kill him, but then again, because The Wire killed off characters like whoa, you never really know these days! It was probably so frustrating for Bennet's wife to have to keep calling him, only for the phone to go to voicemail, which happens to be THE MOST FRUSTRATING thing about my wife. If I ever have to pick her up somewhere or have to get in contact with her, she does not answer her phone. Even when I've talked to her five minutes beforehand, like, "Okay Dar, I'll be at 69th street in no time, pick you up in five minutes," and then twenty minutes later, she'll get to the car and be like, "Oh sorry, I had my phone in my purse and didn't hear you calling." YO DAR, how hard is it to just keep your phone out?!?! You knew I was picking you up! When people are picking me up or I'm expecting a call, I keep that isht in my hand! Like a 14 year old girl walking around the mall. And I hold it right to my chest too! Like a boss!

Look at whats-her-name cleaned up a little bit!

Here are without a doubt the most frustrating things about being in a relationship, period:

- My wife just moving stuff around in our house, for no reason other than the fact that they're just "bothering her." And these things will always be important papers of mine, or things that I need whenever I'm leaving the house in a hurry. Things she loves to move are: iPod cords, Sports Illustrateds and the salt shaker.

- During the final two minutes of NBA Playoff games, my wife has an innate ability to find a spider that NEEDS to be killed at that very moment. 

- My wife getting angry when I buy a new bluetooth headset for a PlayStation 3 when I don't actually have PlayStation 3, but occasionally play FIFA at my buddy Law's house. 

- My wife leaves PERFECTLY GREAT umbrellas everywhere!

Also, why doesn't anyone in Seattle ever wear a rain-jacket or carry an umbrella? And who the freak lives on a boat?!?! I've been on like three boats in my life and barfed every time. Although, kinda smart considering Hurricane Larson is tearing through Seattle.

At this point in the show, I have no idea who the killer is, but it sure does seem like this Bennet OCK-med is up to something. Then again, Detective Linden lives on a boat, which means she probably has some weirdo-boating-neighbors who live next door. They probably did it. 

That's my prediction: it was the strange neighbor, on the boat, with an umbrella.  

Admiral OCK-bar

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Stuff I Watch: Tyler, the Creator, of Odd Future - aka a Guy Who is Going Bonkers

I'm still trying to get used to black dudes who skateboard, but I support them.

If you haven't heard of Tyler, the Creator, from the rap group Odd Future, you will soon.

He's completely bonkers, a polarizing rapper in the mold of Wu Tang and Mos Def, who is strangely engaging and addictive. This past week, while touring the country to promote his first solo album, "Goblin," Tyler was detained by police for disturbing the peace in LA and later started a riot at an album signing in Boston. I do not think he watches Real Housewives of anything.

I figured I'd post a few videos and links of Tyler, the Creator, doing his thang for your weekend perusal.

Here's a link to an NYT feature on Mr. Bonkerstein. 

Below is a video from a February appearance on Jimmy Fallon where Tyler wore a ski-mask for most of the performance and showed off some unbelievable swiveling skipping moves. Also, watch for Mos Def at the very end, who comes out of nowhere and starts screaming "SWAG!" into the camera. 

Below is his single "Yonkers." Clearly Tyler is trying to do something. I'm not sure what and I don't know if I'm into it, but he's definitely trying to do something and I like when people try to do things.

In this interview with Nardwuar below, you get to see Tyler's personality; sort-of annoying and immature, but also just a young kid having fun with his friends. Last week, my friends and I went to a 1 year-old's birthday party and then made egg salad sandwiches.

Overall, I think like what Tyler, the Creator, is doing. I wouldn't necessarily bring him to my family's Passover seder, but then again, I think he'd really enjoy watching my father eat gefilte fish.

Lastly, here's a link to the new Beastie Boys extended video movie “Fight For Your Right (Revisited),” with appearances from a ton of comedic actors including Seth Rogen, Danny McBride, Amy Poehler and not Mario Lopez.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Peacock On Da Loose!

This guy has a bluer neck than my Aunt Maxine.

About a month ago, I blogged about how ridiculous it is that peacocks are allowed to wander around all willy-nilly at the zoo ... check it here ... well yesterday, one of them there peacocks actually ESCAPED from the Bronx Zoo!

Read about it in the NYT here or follow the peacock on Twitter here

Or just go out and get some pancakes. That seems like the best thing to do anyway. How good are pancakes?!!? 

Lady Gaga: Monster Ball Concert on HBO - Featuring Surprisingly Zero Live Horses on Stage

Just a fire-blasting tit, that's all.

After seeing this print ad with fireworks shooting out of Lady Gaga's boobs, my wife and I quickly realized that we had to watch her Monster Ball concert Saturday night on HBO. I mean, I love fireworks, I love boob-blasters and even though I'm not a huge fan of Lady Goggs's music, it's clear that anything can happen when she's on stage. The lady is a loose cannon, capable of both dancing with a horse or stabbing it in the face; she's completely unpredictable, like a young Regis Philbin.

However, now a mere 48 hours after watching her concert (which was MEE-DEE-OH-CURR by the way), it has occurred to me that maybe Lady Goggs isn't doing anything that special. I mean, think about it, didn't the fembots in Austin Powers have boob-blasting abilities around ten years ago? And I'm pretty sure that this chick I grew up with once showed up to school wearing a meat helmet. Not to mention, both of them wore much more practical footwear.

Lady Gogger's concert was actually filled with stuff we've all seen before: she groped male dancers (Madonna), wore ridiculous outfits (Craig Sager) and blabbed about the fact that no one believed in her or thought she'd ever make it to Madison Square Gards (every goddamn success story in this world). What the freak is she complaining about? She should be thanking the non-believers for motivating her to be uber-successful. I grew up with way too much stinking positive reinforcement; people always telling me I was special and how great it was that I was in the clean plate club, and look where it got me! To a stinking blog blog that has less Twitter followers than Jesse Feddderman!

When you have a blog called TV My Wife Watches, sometimes you have to put up a picture of Craig Sager to better explain your jokes.

The entire night Goggles blabbed about how earlier in her career music executives and drama teachers told her that she'd never make it in the entertainment biz. They said she was too ethnic looking and could never play a leading role. Her motivation and rebuttal was, "Really? Well look at Liza! (Minelli)" who was actually in the audience along with Goggber's other hero, Marisa Tomei (who apparently was told the same thing early on in her career). But what has Liza Minelli ever done since The Muppets Take Manhattan? Is she even relevant? And I'm pretty sure that Marisa Tomei has only been in two movies: My Cousin Vinny and The Wrestler. Granted, that's two more movies than I've been in, but has Marisa Tomei ever recorded a podcast? Let alone THREE OF THEM?!?!

This is ethic looking? Also, I don't have a foot fetish - I don't know what you're talking about!

When Professor Gogglesberg wasn't complaining about her lack of support, she was constantly ordering her Little Monsters to dance. At one point, she even screamed, "DANCE MOTHERF**KERS!" which got her fans VERY excited. I for one have had enough of this trend of rockstars telling me what to do at concerts. "Put your hands here, waive them around like this, when I say this, you say this ... this, THIS, this, THIS!"

For the record, I actually like that one. In fact, there are times in our day-to-day lives when I'll scream downstairs to my wife something like, "When I say egg, you say salad ... EGG ..." and then I'll hear her little voice holler from the kitchen, "SALAD!"

But back to whatever the hell I was talking about; Goggy was ordering her fans to dance, but they had NO ROOM to move. They were packed into MSG like lobsters at Seafood Shanty and couldn't even put their hands in the air if they were asked to (they weren't believe it or not, but they were told by Lady Goggers that she believed in every one of them, especially the gay guys, which made me almost lobster claw myself in the throat).

This is what I meant about lobsters at Seafood Shanty.

And why is Seafood Shanty SO EXCITED to sell Coca-Cola?

Personally, when I wanna dance, I need A LOT of room, almost half a dance floor to properly execute all of my moves; you know, leg-whips, two-handed points, the occasional flip-kick. If Lady Grogger told me to dance, I woulda been all, "Umm, sure, as long as you move around 3,000 of these people cramping my style and GIVE ME SOME SPACE, cause I'm about to go Andrew Bynum up in this mug!"

Also (and I understand that I'm doing A LOT of complaining here, but c'mon, I've been forced to watch some pretty crappy television over the last eight months, it's about time I went bezerker), isn't it a little patronizing for Lady Antegaggum to call her fans Little Monsters? Can't they just be Monsters? Why they gotta be "little"? Are they less than her? I mean, they are, but does she have to call them that? How 'bout Gaga's Goblins? And yes, I realize that Gaga's Goblins is a TERRIBLE nickname, but I'm just trying to make a point here and I'm VERY thirsty.

So if Lady Snooze-a-lot isn't doing anything special, WHO IS? If I can't be entertained by a woman who literally shoots bazooka-bombs out of her tators, then how can I be entertained?


Well ladies and gentlemen (aka ladies and the one guy who's reading this because he googled "Lady Gaga Tit-Tornado"), allow me to introduce you to Lady.

Lady keeps her fireworks elsewhere.

Not Lady Gaga. Not Lady Antebellum. Not the Lady Vols or Ladybird Johnson or the crazy Norwegian lady who I saw doing kung-fu kicks at a bus-stop this morning. Just Lady.

Check out Lady in her hit video, "Pussy be Yankin." The video has 233 likes and 223 DISLIKES!

Lady - Pussy be Yankin - 2011 found on R&B

Now, I didn't even know that "yankin" was a word; in fact, I think the last person who used a derivative of yankin was Long Duck Dong, "no more yanky my wanky." I also didn't know that a pussy could actually yank, or that it was something to even brag about! But I do know that we have NEVER seen an artist like Lady. EVER.

Yeah, yeah, we've seen Khia, we've seen Lil Kim and we've seen Jane Fonda, but even they are not NEARLY as yankin as Lady.

I can only imagine what one of Lady's concerts is like. I just know that if I'm ever privileged enough to go to one, I'm definitely bringing a snorkel.

TVMWW is totally on Twitter. Join the revoloosh.