Wednesday, April 6, 2011

American Idol / Dancing With the Stars: Apparently Christian Slater is Not Dead and Kirstie Alley is Not Easy to Carry

The real question is, how many more dogs are under that robe?

I gotta tell ya, I have NO IDEA what's going on with Steven Tyler's hair. For the first half-hour of tonight's Idol show, I dedicated myself to getting to the bottom of this mystery, and now, an hour later, the only conclusion I've come to is the fact that Christian Slater's daughter REALLY likes American Idol.

From the best I can tell, Steven Tyler's got some highlights sprinkled into his natural coif, along with a grey streak, a few braids, and if I'm not mistaken, a peacock feather. Now, I know that I'm not necessarily the Vidal Sassoon of the blogging world, but since when did incorporating exotic bird feathers into your hair become stylish? Also, is the peacock even exotic?

Every time I watch Idol I expect Stacey and Clinton to pop up outta nowhere.

And what's the deal with peacocks getting free reign at the zoo? They're able to just roam around as they please while every other animal is confined to a cage? I swear, every time I'm in line for ice cream, or running (and screaming) out of the snake house, I bump into a peacock just strolling around. I mean, I get the obvious reason, peacocks are f**king dope, but how did they convince every zookeeper in the world to let them stroll around all-willy-nilly?

Ziggy the Zoo Keeper:  Hey peacocks, welcome to the San Diego Zoo. Hope you had a nice trip in from Madagascar. Listen, we're gonna set you up over here in this nice cage. It's got some smooth rocks and a pond and ...

Peacock:  Welllllllll, actually we were thinking we could just roam around. You know, all over the place.

Ziggy:  Yeah right. So, just follow me over here to your peacock cage, you're really gonna love it. Did you get a chance to meet the pengui ...

Peacock:  Nah yo, I'm not living in no cage. Neither are my boys. We're roaming around. We're peacocks.

Ziggy the Zoo Keeper:  You're kidding right? What do you mean you're just gonna roam around? You need to live in a cage.

Peacock:  Look dude, we're peacocks. We roam around. That's what we do.

Ziggy:  Yeah, yeah, there's plenty of room to roam around in your cage. Did you see the rocks?

Peacock:  Dude. DUDE. You're not getting it. I'm a grown-ass peacock. I'll roam around wherever I want to. I'm not having some dumb zookeeper tell me where to live.

Ziggy:  Whoa whoa whoa ...

Peacock:  I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get upset. And don't get me wrong, those are nice rocks, they really are. And we like ponds, we do, but I'm a grown-ass peacock. And I'm going wherever I want, whenever I want.

Ziggy:  I really don't think this is a ...

Peacock:  Trust me man, trust me. I'm a peacock. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go chew on this cigarette butt.

Mr. Peacock in high school. Possibly rocking a tweed jacket?

I'm guessing that Christian Slater's daughter friggin' loves peacocks, probably not as much as she loves Pia McGia, but probably enough to get her dad to buy her a grown-ass peacock to put in some cage. Speaking of cages, has Christian Slater been locked in one the past twenty years? Where's that guy been? Part of me thinks that maybe he and Ralph Macchio have been off together in Madagascar searching for the Fountain of Youth. And what does it say for a celebrity's career if he's now getting front row tix for American Idol? I guess some stars go to Laker games, some go to American Idol and some fall flat on their backs while attempting to dance with Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Down goes Chmerkovskiy! Down goes Chmerkovskiy!

Poor Kirstie Alley. And it's not even like she was dropped by some little guy like Mark Ballas or Christian Slater. She was dropped by the manliest, Ukrainianest, hairiest guy on that show. She's all right though. She's tough. She's thick-skinned. She does whatever she wants. She's like a friggin' peacock. Like a giant, clumsy, gargantuan peacock.

I hope Maks is okay.

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Or just look at this picture of a frog that's trying to balance on a piece of celery. 

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