Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Killing: You Should Really Be Watching This Show. I Mean, What Else Do You Have Going On?

Was Rosie's teacher in Color Me Badd?

Sophisticated black dudes with dreadlocks have always been a bit of an enigma. Their iPods are often filled with Talib Kweli and De La Soul, while their bookshelves contain autobiographies written by any and all Gumbels. They're sort of cool, but try too hard. They love Cornel West, but date white women. I knew from the start that Rosie's teacher couldn't be trusted, but I don't think he's the killer. He's too light in the loafers; less Malcolm X, more Malcolm Jamal Warner. 

If you're not watching AMC's The Killing, you should be (and if you've never heard of Cornel West, just picture an older, grumpier, more militant Questlove). Now four episodes in, The Killing is really coming into its own, so expect it to be on the air for around another week and a half. The show's main storyline is figuring out who the killer is (I'm convinced it's around eight different people), but there's also some riveting drama, heartfelt acting, and one hot chick who has the potential to get naked (I'm talking about Gwen, the politician's right-hand woman / girlfriend / lady I'd most like to see naked in this world besides Miley Cyrus).

This is Cornel West. Also probably murdered some people.

This is Theo Huxtable. And this is unacceptable.

There are some other great performances too, like The King of Queens guy in his first dramatic role as Rosie Larson's father. Who woulda thought that Paul Blart Mall Cop could play a distraught father who may or may not have killed his daughter? Then there's his wife, Maryann from True Blood (I talked about her last week), who is portraying an emotionally devastated mother who does NOT make gumbo out of human hearts. Clearly she's the killer, didn't you see all the muhfuggas she killed in Bon Temps?!?!   

There's also the female detective's partner, Detective Dickpants, who is really starting to grow on me despite having terrible facial hair. During the first few episodes, he was so annoying, but then I realized that he looks like a cross between Gareth from The (British) Office and Kenny Powers's brother, Dustin. And I really like those two guys, so now Detective Dickpants is all right in my book. It's just a shame that he totally killed Rosie Larson.

Gareth Keenan, assistant to the regional manager.
Dustin Powers: wife named his daughter Rose after the lady from Titanic.
Detective Stephen aka Detective Dickpants. Can you see the resemblance or what?!?!
But of all the characters that have done a total 180, no one compares to Rosie's friend Sterling, who in a matter of seconds transformed herself from a homely, teenage drip into a ripping slut. How great is it that she totally had sex with two dudes at once?!?! My wife will undoubtedly get mad at me for writing this, but there is no denying that women instantly gain credibility when men find out that they're sexually permissive. Think about it: you're sort of friends with some chick that you work with, she's okay, decent personality, likes the Wu Tang Clan, occasionally looks good when she gets a pedicure, and then BOOM, you find out that she once jerked off three dudes on a ski trip to Killington and BLADDOW, she vaults up your list right next to Kim Kardash and the Russian lady from Dancing With the Stars. And yes, I will UNQUESTIONABLY be sleeping outside tomorrow night.

Sterling's taste in men sure is questionable though, especially that Kris Nichols dude, who looks EXACTLY like every teenager riding the subway that I'm absolutely terrified of. Since when did teenage white kids become scarier than teenage black kids? Cornel West needs to fix that.

Anybody wanna go hit the slopes?

Overall, my wife and I are totally invested in The Killing. It was a slow roaster the first couple of weeks, but AMC has served up another delicious show with fabulously creepy characters and a maenad whose eyes could turn black at any moment.

My guess as to who the killer is after week four: Gwen, the aforementioned politician lady who I totally want to go skiing with in Vermont. I'm thinking Gwen gets jealous of the politician's relationship with Rosie (one that I'm completely speculating) because she's in love with him and also may or may not have slept with the dreadlocked Malcolm Jamal Warner wanna-be.

Also, I apologize to Malcolm Jamal Warner for comparing him to Rosie's teacher. Malcolm Jamal Warns was totally a cool dude when he had a learning disability and acted dumb. He just became annoying in the later years when he grew a tail. I shoulda compared Bennet to Elvin. That guy was a dork.   

Nice job, Elvin.

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  1. I am also digging The Killing. Also, Rosie's Mom is also the lady from the "Big Salad" Seinfeld episode. And the plot thickens.

  2. Top 5 salads:

    1. chicken salad
    2. egg salad
    3. caesar salad
    4. greek salad
    5. salad balls

  3. Top 5 5's:

    1. Five
    2. Cinqo
    3. Fünf
    4. 10 ÷ 2
    5. 5/Renée Zellweger (Tie)

  4. Pagan Temp, the seriousness of your post combined with the fact that you used proper punctuation scares me into thinking that you're right. You are without a doubt the scariest commenter on here to date and that includes MY WIFE.

  5. Why did I also use the word "also" three times in two sentences? Also, what's going to happen next in The Killing, also Caesar salad is no match for Greek.

  6. If Caesar salad fought Greek salad, I'd put my money on Pagan Temp. That guy is going to kill us all!

    Also, Pagan Temp, thanks for reading!