Monday, April 25, 2011

American Idol: Only Six Remain. Six Absolute Snoozers.

There is seriously so much leaning going on in this picture.

American Idol claims to be just a "singing competition", but we all know that successful artists these days must also be moderately attractive and make wise career decisions to enhance their popularity. Two of the best ways to gain star power are to show off your twat or get a group of prostitutes together and videotape a car wash. I once tried to wash my car at one of those self-service car washes and couldn't even find the hose. Read that again, I couldn't even find the hose, not, "I found the hose and couldn't turn it on." I became so frustrated and embarrassed standing there searching for that hose while other people sprayed down their Chargers that I just drove off with the dirtiest, sudsiest car ever. Obviously I could end this paragraph with a twat joke, but I will abstain. Also, twats should NEVER be joked about.

I'm sorry. I really am. I did not intend for this post to start off this way. I don't know why I'm blogging about twats, (check that, I do know why I'm blogging about twats, twats are amazing) but I'm sorry nonetheless. You, the loyal readers of TV Me Weef Wooches, should not be subjected to such drivel. I also apologize to Ke$ha for not mentioning her once in a paragraph about twats.

Back to American Twat, which is down to the Final Six! Let's take a look at each remaining contestant and see if they have what it takes to be the next artist who may or may not have a singing career! Up first ...

Catching flies.
The Black Guy!

Can he sing? - Yes he can! Whether or not you enjoy checking out Jacob's tonsils when he belts out notes, the bottom line is that Jacob has a booming voice and some really strong molars. Now I'm not a dentist, but I am Jewish, and that's half the battle right there.

Is he attractive? - I'm not sure, because Jacob is pretty sexually ambiguous. I assumed he was gay, but according to Miss Lawrence from Real Housewives of Atlanta, all gay dudes from the south wear high heels and I'm pretty sure Jacob wears Reeboks. I guess there's some mens out there who find him attractive, but if I were gay, I'd prefer Jacob to gay it up a little bit. 

How's his decision making? - Brilliant! Great move to sing that song about his dead father last week and an even better move to start crying DURING the song to make it even more dramatic. I gotta be honest, a rapist could sing that song and I'd get choked up. In fact, a rapist could rape someone and simultaneously kill their father whilst singing that song and I'd still be into it.

Kinda looks like Chelsea Clints?
Janis Jops Jr.

Can she sing? - Yes, but the whole Janis Joplin raspy voice thing is getting old. Speaking of raspy voices, how hot was Kathleen Turner and how dead is Kathleen Turner?

Is she attractive? - This dude Josh that I work with came up to me last Thursday and asked, "How hot is Haley?" and I got very confused because we don't work with any chicks named Haley. Turns out, he was talking about Haley from Idol and apparently has never had sex with a woman.

How's her decision making? - I guess her red polka-dotted dress last week got Josh's attention, but I would've much preferred if she dressed up like Jessica Rabbit. Or Ke$ha. Or a really hot dentist who hosed people down.

This is not a Will Ferrell movie.
Casey the Barbarian

Can he sing? - Absolutely, although I'm growing tired of the Eminem-style grunting and forcefulness of his voice. But then again, that's his thing, and I get it, much like my thing is to wear Reeboks on my hands while masturbating.

Is he attractive? - If you listened to podcast #1, you'd have heard Chicken say that there is NO SHOT that Casey becomes America's Next Top Idol because he's not good looking enough. If you had listened longer, you would've taken a dental scraper and chiseled out your ear drums.

How's his decision making? - Kissing J-Lo at the end of his song last week was a great move; I imagine middle aged women across the country found it almost as adorable as I did. Speaking of great moves, seriously, if you own a pair of Reeboks ...

Interesting hair move.
Lauren the Southern Belle

Can she sing? - Well, according to the judges she's got AMAZING natural ability, but then again so did Todd Marinovich and look where that got him. For the two, MAYBE three people out there who know who Todd Marinovich is, I have NO IDEA why you're reading this blog. For the readers who don't know who Todd Marinovich is, I have NO IDEA why you're reading this blog.

Is she attractive? - I'll let my wife take this one:

"I don't know why they're putting so much makeup on her, she looks 45. She's got it caked on like somebody who's OH MY GOD ... (it must be stated that at the time my wife was talking to me, she was also watching Anthony Bourdain in Vienna and a guy was gutting some sort of animal that was strung upside down and all its organs tumbled out of its body cavity and onto the ground).

How's her decision making? - I've got a better question, when will this blog post be over? OH MY GOD, why did I choose to write this post when there were still SIX goddamn contestants left? I couldn't wait til the final three?

Did Seacrest give him a dead arm?
Adam Lambert Jr.

Can he sing? - Sure, whatever, if you like guys who scream. I'd love to see James sing a duet with my wife while she was forced to gut an antelope.

Is he attractive? - About as attractive as a guy can be who twitches.

How's his decision making? - Great move to sing a song by Muse last week. By the way, just asked my wife what Anthony Bourdain is up to now. Her answer: "Eating goulash after a hunting expedition."

Alfred E. Neuman
Scotty Boom Botty

Can he sing? - Without a doubt! His voice is undeniable; it's just a shame that he can only sing one song in one way and that happens to be the dumbest way to sing a song ever.

Is he attractive? - I imagine the teenage girls are into him considering he has over 100,000 Twitter followers. By the way, his Twitter is SO BORING.

Decision making? - Okay, here we go, I gotta break out my Foghorn Leghorn impression for this one. NOW WHO I say WHO is responsible for teaching him to hold his microphone like that?! Now I say, I say, that is no way to hold a microphone boy. You don't hold it like a flute, you hold it like a dick! Look here boy, everyone, I say, everyone knows that boy. Now I say, I say, stop holding it like some sort of harmonica boy and be a man, boy, be a man!

Also, I'm really really sorry that I just told a 16 year-old boy to hold a microphone like a dick.


  1. I LOVE it-my boy,I say-you r amazing!!

  2. I guess it gets worse before it gets better. I didn't even know Idol was still on.

  3. Word is that the new show, "The Voice" is pretty good too.

    Better voice?

    - Whitney Houst
    - That dude from The National
    - Kathleen Turner

    I say Whitney!

  4. TV Me Weef Wooches really rolls off the tongue. I love it.

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