Wednesday, April 27, 2011

NBA Playoffs: Thanks Joel Anthony

This is no way to shoot a free throw.

With 16 seconds left in the 4th quarter and my hometown Sixers down 2 points, the Miami Heat's Joel Anthony stepped to the line and sunk two free throws to ice the game and end the Sixers season. After the second shot went down, my wife turned to me and said:

"I'm happy for Joel. Because he's not as good as the other guys and that's nice for him. Don't you think Evvy?"

Yes Darrie. That's nice for him.

And Evan Turner can suck my crank. 

The only thing flatter than that brim is Evan's jumper ... OH!

Monday, April 25, 2011

American Idol: Only Six Remain. Six Absolute Snoozers.

There is seriously so much leaning going on in this picture.

American Idol claims to be just a "singing competition", but we all know that successful artists these days must also be moderately attractive and make wise career decisions to enhance their popularity. Two of the best ways to gain star power are to show off your twat or get a group of prostitutes together and videotape a car wash. I once tried to wash my car at one of those self-service car washes and couldn't even find the hose. Read that again, I couldn't even find the hose, not, "I found the hose and couldn't turn it on." I became so frustrated and embarrassed standing there searching for that hose while other people sprayed down their Chargers that I just drove off with the dirtiest, sudsiest car ever. Obviously I could end this paragraph with a twat joke, but I will abstain. Also, twats should NEVER be joked about.

I'm sorry. I really am. I did not intend for this post to start off this way. I don't know why I'm blogging about twats, (check that, I do know why I'm blogging about twats, twats are amazing) but I'm sorry nonetheless. You, the loyal readers of TV Me Weef Wooches, should not be subjected to such drivel. I also apologize to Ke$ha for not mentioning her once in a paragraph about twats.

Back to American Twat, which is down to the Final Six! Let's take a look at each remaining contestant and see if they have what it takes to be the next artist who may or may not have a singing career! Up first ...

Catching flies.
The Black Guy!

Can he sing? - Yes he can! Whether or not you enjoy checking out Jacob's tonsils when he belts out notes, the bottom line is that Jacob has a booming voice and some really strong molars. Now I'm not a dentist, but I am Jewish, and that's half the battle right there.

Is he attractive? - I'm not sure, because Jacob is pretty sexually ambiguous. I assumed he was gay, but according to Miss Lawrence from Real Housewives of Atlanta, all gay dudes from the south wear high heels and I'm pretty sure Jacob wears Reeboks. I guess there's some mens out there who find him attractive, but if I were gay, I'd prefer Jacob to gay it up a little bit. 

How's his decision making? - Brilliant! Great move to sing that song about his dead father last week and an even better move to start crying DURING the song to make it even more dramatic. I gotta be honest, a rapist could sing that song and I'd get choked up. In fact, a rapist could rape someone and simultaneously kill their father whilst singing that song and I'd still be into it.

Kinda looks like Chelsea Clints?
Janis Jops Jr.

Can she sing? - Yes, but the whole Janis Joplin raspy voice thing is getting old. Speaking of raspy voices, how hot was Kathleen Turner and how dead is Kathleen Turner?

Is she attractive? - This dude Josh that I work with came up to me last Thursday and asked, "How hot is Haley?" and I got very confused because we don't work with any chicks named Haley. Turns out, he was talking about Haley from Idol and apparently has never had sex with a woman.

How's her decision making? - I guess her red polka-dotted dress last week got Josh's attention, but I would've much preferred if she dressed up like Jessica Rabbit. Or Ke$ha. Or a really hot dentist who hosed people down.

This is not a Will Ferrell movie.
Casey the Barbarian

Can he sing? - Absolutely, although I'm growing tired of the Eminem-style grunting and forcefulness of his voice. But then again, that's his thing, and I get it, much like my thing is to wear Reeboks on my hands while masturbating.

Is he attractive? - If you listened to podcast #1, you'd have heard Chicken say that there is NO SHOT that Casey becomes America's Next Top Idol because he's not good looking enough. If you had listened longer, you would've taken a dental scraper and chiseled out your ear drums.

How's his decision making? - Kissing J-Lo at the end of his song last week was a great move; I imagine middle aged women across the country found it almost as adorable as I did. Speaking of great moves, seriously, if you own a pair of Reeboks ...

Interesting hair move.
Lauren the Southern Belle

Can she sing? - Well, according to the judges she's got AMAZING natural ability, but then again so did Todd Marinovich and look where that got him. For the two, MAYBE three people out there who know who Todd Marinovich is, I have NO IDEA why you're reading this blog. For the readers who don't know who Todd Marinovich is, I have NO IDEA why you're reading this blog.

Is she attractive? - I'll let my wife take this one:

"I don't know why they're putting so much makeup on her, she looks 45. She's got it caked on like somebody who's OH MY GOD ... (it must be stated that at the time my wife was talking to me, she was also watching Anthony Bourdain in Vienna and a guy was gutting some sort of animal that was strung upside down and all its organs tumbled out of its body cavity and onto the ground).

How's her decision making? - I've got a better question, when will this blog post be over? OH MY GOD, why did I choose to write this post when there were still SIX goddamn contestants left? I couldn't wait til the final three?

Did Seacrest give him a dead arm?
Adam Lambert Jr.

Can he sing? - Sure, whatever, if you like guys who scream. I'd love to see James sing a duet with my wife while she was forced to gut an antelope.

Is he attractive? - About as attractive as a guy can be who twitches.

How's his decision making? - Great move to sing a song by Muse last week. By the way, just asked my wife what Anthony Bourdain is up to now. Her answer: "Eating goulash after a hunting expedition."

Alfred E. Neuman
Scotty Boom Botty

Can he sing? - Without a doubt! His voice is undeniable; it's just a shame that he can only sing one song in one way and that happens to be the dumbest way to sing a song ever.

Is he attractive? - I imagine the teenage girls are into him considering he has over 100,000 Twitter followers. By the way, his Twitter is SO BORING.

Decision making? - Okay, here we go, I gotta break out my Foghorn Leghorn impression for this one. NOW WHO I say WHO is responsible for teaching him to hold his microphone like that?! Now I say, I say, that is no way to hold a microphone boy. You don't hold it like a flute, you hold it like a dick! Look here boy, everyone, I say, everyone knows that boy. Now I say, I say, stop holding it like some sort of harmonica boy and be a man, boy, be a man!

Also, I'm really really sorry that I just told a 16 year-old boy to hold a microphone like a dick.

Podcast Episode 2: Evan Talks To Some Guy Who Doesn't Even Watch Television

After podcast #1 was blasted by the critics (thanks by the way!), for podcast #2, I decided to interview a guy who doesn't even watch television.

Listen to it here: Evan and R.J. podcast #2.

And listen to podcast #1 with Chicken here.

Also, subscribe to the TVMWW podcast on iTunes. Just go to the iTunes music store, search for TV My Wife Watches and slack 'em yack 'em!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Killing: You Should Really Be Watching This Show. I Mean, What Else Do You Have Going On?

Was Rosie's teacher in Color Me Badd?

Sophisticated black dudes with dreadlocks have always been a bit of an enigma. Their iPods are often filled with Talib Kweli and De La Soul, while their bookshelves contain autobiographies written by any and all Gumbels. They're sort of cool, but try too hard. They love Cornel West, but date white women. I knew from the start that Rosie's teacher couldn't be trusted, but I don't think he's the killer. He's too light in the loafers; less Malcolm X, more Malcolm Jamal Warner. 

If you're not watching AMC's The Killing, you should be (and if you've never heard of Cornel West, just picture an older, grumpier, more militant Questlove). Now four episodes in, The Killing is really coming into its own, so expect it to be on the air for around another week and a half. The show's main storyline is figuring out who the killer is (I'm convinced it's around eight different people), but there's also some riveting drama, heartfelt acting, and one hot chick who has the potential to get naked (I'm talking about Gwen, the politician's right-hand woman / girlfriend / lady I'd most like to see naked in this world besides Miley Cyrus).

This is Cornel West. Also probably murdered some people.

This is Theo Huxtable. And this is unacceptable.

There are some other great performances too, like The King of Queens guy in his first dramatic role as Rosie Larson's father. Who woulda thought that Paul Blart Mall Cop could play a distraught father who may or may not have killed his daughter? Then there's his wife, Maryann from True Blood (I talked about her last week), who is portraying an emotionally devastated mother who does NOT make gumbo out of human hearts. Clearly she's the killer, didn't you see all the muhfuggas she killed in Bon Temps?!?!   

There's also the female detective's partner, Detective Dickpants, who is really starting to grow on me despite having terrible facial hair. During the first few episodes, he was so annoying, but then I realized that he looks like a cross between Gareth from The (British) Office and Kenny Powers's brother, Dustin. And I really like those two guys, so now Detective Dickpants is all right in my book. It's just a shame that he totally killed Rosie Larson.

Gareth Keenan, assistant to the regional manager.
Dustin Powers: wife named his daughter Rose after the lady from Titanic.
Detective Stephen aka Detective Dickpants. Can you see the resemblance or what?!?!
But of all the characters that have done a total 180, no one compares to Rosie's friend Sterling, who in a matter of seconds transformed herself from a homely, teenage drip into a ripping slut. How great is it that she totally had sex with two dudes at once?!?! My wife will undoubtedly get mad at me for writing this, but there is no denying that women instantly gain credibility when men find out that they're sexually permissive. Think about it: you're sort of friends with some chick that you work with, she's okay, decent personality, likes the Wu Tang Clan, occasionally looks good when she gets a pedicure, and then BOOM, you find out that she once jerked off three dudes on a ski trip to Killington and BLADDOW, she vaults up your list right next to Kim Kardash and the Russian lady from Dancing With the Stars. And yes, I will UNQUESTIONABLY be sleeping outside tomorrow night.

Sterling's taste in men sure is questionable though, especially that Kris Nichols dude, who looks EXACTLY like every teenager riding the subway that I'm absolutely terrified of. Since when did teenage white kids become scarier than teenage black kids? Cornel West needs to fix that.

Anybody wanna go hit the slopes?

Overall, my wife and I are totally invested in The Killing. It was a slow roaster the first couple of weeks, but AMC has served up another delicious show with fabulously creepy characters and a maenad whose eyes could turn black at any moment.

My guess as to who the killer is after week four: Gwen, the aforementioned politician lady who I totally want to go skiing with in Vermont. I'm thinking Gwen gets jealous of the politician's relationship with Rosie (one that I'm completely speculating) because she's in love with him and also may or may not have slept with the dreadlocked Malcolm Jamal Warner wanna-be.

Also, I apologize to Malcolm Jamal Warner for comparing him to Rosie's teacher. Malcolm Jamal Warns was totally a cool dude when he had a learning disability and acted dumb. He just became annoying in the later years when he grew a tail. I shoulda compared Bennet to Elvin. That guy was a dork.   

Nice job, Elvin.

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Monday, April 11, 2011

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations: Who Does This Guy Think He Is?

For the record, I think that most of the time he does have to make reservations.

Let it be known, I kind-of like Anthony Bourdain. He's got a great gig, a decent sense of humor and is pretty open minded about life in general. But then again, I do acknowledge that he's sort of a douche. 

 Little known fact about Bourdain: he knows how to play the bone-a-phone. 

 Cover from his debut album: "Look at me, I Have a Chair."

 Smoke-dog! Ruff ruff!

 Oh, this bottle of wine? This is nothing, just a 1922 Chateau de Bluh.

 I mean c'mon, that's a tribal band tattoo right? Unacceptable. 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Killing: Not Quite Twin Peaks, But Then Again, What Is?

I'm guessing Professor Plum.

TV My Wife Watches has had some MAJOR breakthroughs this week. For one, I started a podcast that has received nothing but HORRIBLE reviews. On Twitter, I documented my attempt at building the world's first nacho-making-robot, and earlier this week, my wife suggested that I change the name of this blog from TV My Wife Watches to TV Me Weef Wooches.

But of all the additions to the TV Me Weef Wooches empire, the one that is most compelling is the fact that my wife and I have become invested in AMC's new DRAMA, The Killing.

TV Me Weef Wooches is stepping into uncharted waters by blogging about a show that has no hunky bachelors, no dancing pseudo-celebs and only one crazy housewife who can't control her emotions. That housewife is played by Maryann from True Blood, and I must say, that during the first episode, she did a marvelous job of not turning into a maenad and eating anyone's heart. I'm thinking that she'll definitely win an Emmy for this role, because I seriously expected her eyes to go black and for her to slice everybody's throats whenever she came on screen. 

That's not a knife, this is a ...

If you haven't heard of The Killing, the main premise is that Maryann's teenage daughter gets murdered and the rest of the series is spent trying to figure out the killer (unlike Law and Ords where Ice-T gets to the bottom of every rape/homicide in a little under an hour while Coco takes pictures backstage of her insane ass). The Killing totally rips off Twin Peaks (it even takes place in the Pacific Northwest), but it's about goddamn time that my wife starting watching something other than reality television and shows about Mormons, so I'm not complaining.

Obviously, if you really know me, or follow TV Me Weef Wooches, you'll know that I'm clearly still complaining, especially about the fact that this show TOTALLY ripped off Twin Peaks. It's not nearly as good or close to as bizarre, but then again, I've only seen a grand total of five episodes of Twin Peaks and didn't understand one minute of what I was watching. Even more disturbing is the fact that I recently found out that my wife's family used to watch Twin Peaks TOGETHER, as a family, as in, "Katie! Nickkkkk! Come downstairs quick, Twin Peaks is starting! Your father's making popcorn and you'll need therapy as a result, but you'll better appreciate midgets if you come down now!"

At this pt on TV Me Weef Wooches, I'm looking for ANY excuse to post pics of this woman.

Overall, The Killing seems pretty good. With The Bachelor on hiatus, The Killing fills a void, even though that void is the biggest, deepest, saddest void ever. I'd promise that I'll blog about it consistently every week, but I also said the same thing about Wednesday's Wifey, and look where that got me.

The Killing airs Sundee nights on AMC at 10 o'clock.

You can rent Twin Peaks on Netflix, I highly recommend it, but would not show it to children under the age of 37.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Podcast Episode 1: Evster and Chicken Talk About Stuff

So apparently I have a podcast. Listen to the first ever TVMWW podcast where my friend Chicken and I talk about American Idol, Dancing With the Stars and the fact that I may or may not currently be on Vicodin.

You can listen here.

Or, subscribe to the TVMWW podcast on iTunes. Just go to the iTunes music store, search for TV My Wife Watches and bladdow!

Bing and bong!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

American Idol / Dancing With the Stars: Apparently Christian Slater is Not Dead and Kirstie Alley is Not Easy to Carry

The real question is, how many more dogs are under that robe?

I gotta tell ya, I have NO IDEA what's going on with Steven Tyler's hair. For the first half-hour of tonight's Idol show, I dedicated myself to getting to the bottom of this mystery, and now, an hour later, the only conclusion I've come to is the fact that Christian Slater's daughter REALLY likes American Idol.

From the best I can tell, Steven Tyler's got some highlights sprinkled into his natural coif, along with a grey streak, a few braids, and if I'm not mistaken, a peacock feather. Now, I know that I'm not necessarily the Vidal Sassoon of the blogging world, but since when did incorporating exotic bird feathers into your hair become stylish? Also, is the peacock even exotic?

Every time I watch Idol I expect Stacey and Clinton to pop up outta nowhere.

And what's the deal with peacocks getting free reign at the zoo? They're able to just roam around as they please while every other animal is confined to a cage? I swear, every time I'm in line for ice cream, or running (and screaming) out of the snake house, I bump into a peacock just strolling around. I mean, I get the obvious reason, peacocks are f**king dope, but how did they convince every zookeeper in the world to let them stroll around all-willy-nilly?

Ziggy the Zoo Keeper:  Hey peacocks, welcome to the San Diego Zoo. Hope you had a nice trip in from Madagascar. Listen, we're gonna set you up over here in this nice cage. It's got some smooth rocks and a pond and ...

Peacock:  Welllllllll, actually we were thinking we could just roam around. You know, all over the place.

Ziggy:  Yeah right. So, just follow me over here to your peacock cage, you're really gonna love it. Did you get a chance to meet the pengui ...

Peacock:  Nah yo, I'm not living in no cage. Neither are my boys. We're roaming around. We're peacocks.

Ziggy the Zoo Keeper:  You're kidding right? What do you mean you're just gonna roam around? You need to live in a cage.

Peacock:  Look dude, we're peacocks. We roam around. That's what we do.

Ziggy:  Yeah, yeah, there's plenty of room to roam around in your cage. Did you see the rocks?

Peacock:  Dude. DUDE. You're not getting it. I'm a grown-ass peacock. I'll roam around wherever I want to. I'm not having some dumb zookeeper tell me where to live.

Ziggy:  Whoa whoa whoa ...

Peacock:  I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get upset. And don't get me wrong, those are nice rocks, they really are. And we like ponds, we do, but I'm a grown-ass peacock. And I'm going wherever I want, whenever I want.

Ziggy:  I really don't think this is a ...

Peacock:  Trust me man, trust me. I'm a peacock. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go chew on this cigarette butt.

Mr. Peacock in high school. Possibly rocking a tweed jacket?

I'm guessing that Christian Slater's daughter friggin' loves peacocks, probably not as much as she loves Pia McGia, but probably enough to get her dad to buy her a grown-ass peacock to put in some cage. Speaking of cages, has Christian Slater been locked in one the past twenty years? Where's that guy been? Part of me thinks that maybe he and Ralph Macchio have been off together in Madagascar searching for the Fountain of Youth. And what does it say for a celebrity's career if he's now getting front row tix for American Idol? I guess some stars go to Laker games, some go to American Idol and some fall flat on their backs while attempting to dance with Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Down goes Chmerkovskiy! Down goes Chmerkovskiy!

Poor Kirstie Alley. And it's not even like she was dropped by some little guy like Mark Ballas or Christian Slater. She was dropped by the manliest, Ukrainianest, hairiest guy on that show. She's all right though. She's tough. She's thick-skinned. She does whatever she wants. She's like a friggin' peacock. Like a giant, clumsy, gargantuan peacock.

I hope Maks is okay.

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