Friday, March 11, 2011

Jersey Shore: Can Someone Please Help This Sammi Woman? If No One Does Anything, She Is Going To Be Murdered Very Very Soon.

Run, lady, RUN!!! ... And why are you wearing those shoes?!?!

There are currently some major issues out there grabbing the world's attention: Wisconsin losing their collective bargaining rights, the Libyan revolution, the impending Fab Five documentary, but for some reason, NO ONE is talking about the fact that Ronnie is THE MOST ABUSIVE PERSON of all time and may END SAMMI'S LIFE very shortly!

Seriously, you're telling me that Ellen can go bonkers for an anti-bullying campaign, gathering the help of the Obamas, but NO ONE WILL TALK ABOUT Ronnie's behavior?!?! Charlie Sheen has a million twitter followers, Coco has Thong Thursdays, but Barbara Walters can't roll over in her grave to do an expose on domestic violence?!?! How has Dr. Drew not reached out to Sammi? How has Intervention not tried to get Ron-Ron off the juice? How does Snooki ever get ANYONE to hook up with her?!?!

At least in the old days when this would happen on an episode of Family Ties or something, they'd have Alex P. Keets come out and do a P.S.A. like, "If you're in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, call this number. Do NOT call Ellen. She doesn't give an isht." But now after the show, MTV is all, "Hey, wanna see more clips of Ronnie almost turning Sammi's face into The English Patient's? Log onto MTV.com and also see videos of teenagers f***ing." This world is not in a good place.

What the freak is Barbara Walters doing with her life?!?! Barbara, call me! I have a very important assignment for you!!

Other ramblings about last night's television lineup:

- J-Lo needs to just resign from American Idol before she has a friggin' nervous breakdown. She empathizes way too much with these contestants. I mean, we're only two weeks in and she's already bugging out whenever they have to send someone home. I'm also not sure if Steven Tyler has any idea what he's wearing at any particular moment. I feel like his stylists are playing a practical joke on him, similarly to what Stevie Wonder's did to him the last forty years.

J-Lo gets ready for her appearance on The Bachelor's Women Tell All.

- Championship week in college basketball is driving me berzerker. I can't handle it. Too many channels, too many games, PLUS the Heat playing the Lakers?!?! My wife legitimately got a headache from me changing the channels so often last night. It might be time to go double TV action in the ole living room. And why doesn't Kobe attack the rim any more? I know, I know, his knees are shot, but I can't take him settling for jumpers, that's always bothered me about him. He even settled for pull-ups back in high school. When Kobe was stripped in the waning possessions by D-Wade who then dished to Bron-Bron for the flush, we may have witnessed a live paradigm shift. Also, I have NO IDEA if I used the term "paradigm shift" correctly

What I do know is:

- I have like a thirty-five foot boner in anticipation of this Sunday's Fab 5 documentary on ESPN. Here are my top 3 all-time favorite sports teams:

3. 1990 Sixers w/ Sir Charles, Rick Mahorn & Manute Bol 
2. The Fab 5
1. The Buddy Ryan era Philadelphia Eagles

So happy.

All business.
Panoramic.

Google image search: Fab 5. Documentary by MTV currently in the works.

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