Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, Except for Shawntel Who Apparently Doesn't Talk Anymore

Are any of those candles lit? That's a lot of candles.

If any of The Bachelor's female contestants are looking for a career following the show, they should seriously consider becoming professional boner-killers. Nothing deflates boners quite like women crying and last night there were more tears shed and boners demolished than ever before in the history of western civilization. Seriously, what was wrong with those women? I understand that harsh things were said and feelings were hurt, but KEEP IT TOGETHER LADIES!

I have a little tip for the women out there who are hoping to one day land a husband and/or not destroy a man's boner. Are you ready? This is a big one.

Ladies, you're much more attractive when you're not crying.

I know, I know, it happens. Women are emotional and sometimes the flood gates just open up. And you know what? Sometimes men cry too, like when we're watching The English Patient and accidentally miss the end of the Syracuse-Georgetown game. Or when we lop off our arm with a chainsaw. But the key is, we don't unleash the waterworks until after we're hitched. Before I got married, I never cried, ever. Now that I'm spoken for, I cry all the time. Touching story about some dude on American Idol, crying. Hey honey, wanna watch Sling Blade? Crying. Eh, I don't really like my tuna hoagie, wanna go splitsville on that cheesesteak? Crying. I've lost all control over my life. I also have a blog about reality television. And haven't held a remote control in my hands in close to six years. How did this paragraph become about me? Crying.

Does this man look happy?

Along with the meltdowns last night, there was also a great deal of eye-rolling and groaning. And not just normal eye-rolling and groaning, like really exaggerated and exasperated eye-rolling and groaning that you might find in a yoga studio. At one point while Michelle attempted to defend her motives, it sounded like sheep were being slaughtered. My buddy Law has a 93 year-old grandmother named Momoo who makes a noise like, "oohhhhaaawwww" when saying, "ooohhhhhawwww really?" and I coulda sworn she was sitting up on stage last night. For the record, Momoo was also the first female, non-relative of mine to ever kiss me on the lips. She actually still kisses me on the lips whenever I see her. Ooohhhhhawwww.

Poor Michelle, who took the brunt of those eye-rolls and groans as the ladies unleashed a verbal assault on her. Amazingly, she came out looking vulnerable and lonely while her attackers looked sad, spiteful and not nearly as physically attractive as the other women. Apparently Stacey and that other lady are unaware of Ellen's anti-bullying campaign. I think at one point I heard Jackie utter the phrase, "Honestly Michelle, like, not to be whatever, but whatever." My personal favorite moment of the show took place when Stacey and that other lady kept berating Michelle, causing Chris Harrison to go to the ole dog whistle / "cut it out" hand gesture before barking the words, "Like, really?" Law later told me that after watching that segment, he wished that those two chicks would get into a horrible car accident and become severely disfigured.

Before he got his face burnt up, Ralph Fiennes totally nailed Kristen Scott Thomas in a totally hot sex scene.

Truly an unbelievable performance by Harrison who showed time and time again that he is no Ryan Seacrest. While Michelle broke down, he could have very easily given her a shoulder to cry on, but instead chose to just sit there until she got her isht together. Also, when referring to how difficult the experience of being a female contestant on The Bachelor is, he said something to the effect that "you don't know what it's like before you get in ya'lls heels." I can't believe this guy has a job (or the ability to dribble a soccer ball). Did you see those nifty moves during the African school segment? Granted, he was playing against malnourished three-year-olds, but pretty nice step-overs.

The most puzzling segment of the reunion occurred when little Ashley questioned Brad as to why she wouldn't make a good wife. Seemed to me like Brad said she WOULD make a good wife, just not a good wife for him. That sounded fair enough. If I were Brad (which I'm not, because I have ZERO muscles and MUCH more back hair), I would've explained the situation to Ashley like this:

Ashley:  Um, Brad, why wouldn't I make a good wife for you?

Brad:  Because we just don't mesh.

Ashley:  But why?

Brad:  C'mon, do we really have to do this on national television? There's guys with boners out there and ...

Ashley:  I just need to know.

Brad:  Like, really?

Ashley:  Really.


Ashley:  What? ... Who's this guy?

Me:  My name's Evan, I write a blog. I have no testicles. But those Silly Bandz you wear are f***ing retarded. Get ahold of your life.

Ashley:  Is this true, Brad? Is this why you dumped me?

Brad:  Yes.

Me:  You're 26 years old and you're wearing f***ing Silly Bandz! How can you expect a dude to take you seriously?!?!

Ashley:  But they're just bracelets. I don't understand. It doesn't make me a horrible person.

Me:  Yes it f***ing does! No self-respecting man, or even non-respecting man is going to date a chick who wears those things. I mean, granted, I have my faults too, I actually keep a stuffed animal in my bedroom, but it's Cookie Monster and that dude is a pimp. He eats cookies. And other stuff. I once saw him eat a telephone. Now please pack your knives and go! Auf wiedersehen!

That cookie doesn't stand a chance.

So now it comes down to Emily vs. Chantal and I seriously have no idea who Mr. Pickels will pick. Sometimes I think Emily and her sweet sassy molassy. And other times I think Chantal and her breasts filled with cash. My wife and her friend Bridget have theories of their own, though. I'll explain.

Last night when Brad was introduced, he mentioned that he promised his significant other that he would not get too excited when he saw the other women. My wife (who watches a lot of Law and Order), said that she doesn't see Emily acting that way. That Chantal seems the more jealous of the two and would therefore be more likely to force Brad to rein in his enthusiasm. And so, Brad must have picked Chantal.

But Bridget noticed that Brad used the word "mercy" twice throughout the evening, a VERY southern phrase and possibly an influence from his girlfriend, Emily. And so, he must have picked her. However, my wife rebutted that Brad too is from the south and we haven't heard Emily use the word "mercy" once this entire season.

And so, my wife MUST be right and thus is THE WINNER!!

Congratulations Darrie! You win!

Let's watch the English Patient this weekend and have a good cry! Or go ice skating! Or just sit and talk about our feelings! I love being married!!

Open your mouth Britt.

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Or read this article about yesterday's Barcelona-Arsenal match. That's what I'd do. 


  1. I thought Ashley (dentist) came off kind of likable for the first time EVER last night. When Chris asked her what she was going to say to Brad when he walked out and she said, "That I love him!" I ACTUALLY laughed out loud. So embarrassing.

  2. A) i LOVE your blog 2) that "silly band" is a Donate Life band...she wears it in memory of her father who passed away. He was an organ donor! d) crying.

  3. Darth, I totally botally agree regarding Ashley the dentist (not actually a dentist).

    But JJ Redick, Ashley the bracelet wearer was also wearing a Silly Band along with her dead father's thingy. Regardless, both of the bracelets were dumb! We don't need a bracelet to remind us of her dead father, somewhere out there is a dude with his organs!

  4. @Darth, I first thought you meant you laughed out loud because what Ashley said was so ludicrous. Like, "Ha! Yeah. Right."

    Maybe it's the cynic in me, but I have come to be highly doubtful that anyone can be in love with Brad because, come on, these chicks are just a) acting or b) in it for what they can get out of being on the show. What the HELL has happened to any of them regarding their opportunity here that should make them cry? They got to be on the show and millions of American women are not. Buck up!

  5. I laughed because the whole time Chris Harrison was backing her into a corner trying to get her to admit that she should have told Brad she was in love with him on the show and she wasnt biting. Then when he asked what she was going to say to him when he came out she jokingly said that to humor him.

    Monner, you and Dar need to sink into a season of Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. It's outrageously good.