Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Bachelor: Please Join Me In My Fantasy Suite For Some Good Ole Fashioned Slurpin' and Burpin'

I wonder if Emily showed Brad "The North Carolina Hucklebuck."

Since I started this shitbox of a blog around five months ago, I've had a lot of people come up to me and say, "Wow, Ev, I had no idea you watched so much crap TV," or "Whoa, Evster, your wife really has a permanent clamp on your testicles," or "Ohhhhh, golly, I always knew you were a flaming homosexual, but now I've got literally thousands of words to prove it." But for every thirty-seven people who spit in my face, one or two of them will actually engage me in a conversation about these crap shows, ESPECIALLY The Bachelor, because people REALLY LIKE The Bachelor.

And on the rare occasion that I actually listen to what these people say, I've realized that many folks seem to think that Brad Pickelsimer is really disingenuous, constantly throwing around the same cycle of catch-phrases to the ladies and manipulating them into thinking he's a good man. Saying things like, "I probably shouldn't even tell you how much I like you," or, "No, no, no, it's good that you got bit by a mosquito here in Africa. I'm glad you did, you were just being yourself. Please, please contract malaria. I like malaria. I like you with malaria. I want you to be honest and open discussing your vomiting patterns and uncontrollable diarrhea." Up until now, I've always debated them, backing Mr. Pickels up as a class act, equal parts goofy and chivalrous, sensitive and kind, and with the neck of an Iranian bison. But last night during a conversation with Chantal aka Boobasaurus Rex, I finally saw what Brad's critics have been talking about.

83%, 3%, 14%

It happened while Brad was telling Chantal how much he loved her spontaneity and impulsiveness, her ability to make him feel open and honest. But these were CLEARLY lies. Not that Chantal's not likable, she may in fact be a wonderfully adventurous and uninhibited woman, but that's NOT why Brad likes her. He likes Chantal because she has THE MOST AMAZING CANS EVER and AN ASS THAT I TOTALLY WANT TO EAT A STEAK DINNER OFF.

I mean c'mon, Brad, don't try to dupe us into thinking you actually like her personality. If there's anything to like about Chantal's character, it's the fact that her character comes complete with bucket-loads of money. So just say it, just say it, man. Chicks like to have their ladyparts complimented anyway, so just say, "Look Chantal, or Shann-tell, or Shawn-tall, I dunno, just shut up for a second and listen. Would you just shut up? Thank you. Stop talking. Look, your ass is outrageous. And your titties, your titties, well, let's just say that all I want to do is nuzzle in between them. I just wanna nuzzle. So will you accept this nose? To nuzzle with? Thank you."

Check out Pickelsimer!

Another frustrating element about this season is the fact that there has been VERY little suspense considering EVERYONE knew that Emily was taking this home for Jerome the entire time. If this were Love Connection and they let the audience vote on who we thought Brad should go out with, that jawn woulda been like, "click-click-click-click-click-click-click, 83%!" In fact, I'm a little insulted that the producers even got me to watch the first two months of the show. I know, I know, there have been some great moments along the way; like Michelle punching herself in the face, and getting to meet Shawntel's father's mustache, but reality shows are built on surprises and The Bachelor has come up lame thus far. And I'm not buying the "scenes from the next" where Pickelsimer has a meltdown regarding Emily. This guy is ending up with Emily. There's no doubt. Did you see her in those white jean-shorts and cowboy boots? Did you see how friggin' cute that elephant was when it bent down for her? That elephant wasn't dumb. It knew who was hopping on! Also, how suspenseful was it when Love Connection would do that whole click-click-click thing with the percentages?!?! Chuck Woolery wouldn't disappear for weeks at a time like this Harrison fella. He's a true professional.

Chantal definitely took this dude to The Pleasuredome.

In fact, the biggest surprise of this season was how surprised Ashley was that she was let go last night! Honestly, how was she so shocked? "Wow, Brad, you're really sending me home? I didn't see this coming. I mean, we had a lousy time on our date last night, something's clearly wrong with us, Chantal and Emily are both infinitely prettier than I am, I only got like 3% in that Love Connection thing, but I just can't believe you're getting rid of me! I had such a nice time laying on your rock-hard shoulder last night in the fantasy suite!"

Speaking of fantasy suites, I think they need a new name, because I have ZERO fantasies that involve sleeping in some tree-house and contracting typhoid fever. Here are three names that I propose Chris Harrison uses the next time he breaks out The Bachelor stationary:

1. The Boneyard
2. The Pleasuredome


3. The Slurp Shack

Well, that's about it for this week. I'm flirting with the idea of having a live-chat next week during the Scenes Behind The Rose episode or whatever it's called, but I have no idea how to do that and am not sure if the twelve readers who visit this site would even be interested. So if you're interested in a live-chat-a-palooza next week, let me know.

Or just make fun of my testicles. Either one works.

Eric Stratton may have invented the fantasy suite.

Follow TVMWW on Facebook and Twitter
Or just go to ESPN.com. That's probably the better move. 


  1. Ev, first of all, I can't believe they were out of French Onion. Second of all, I want to live chat the finale, as depressing as it sounded when I said it out loud, as I am now looking at it in type, it's that much worse. Lastisically, Ashley/Brad was so uncomfortable. Now imagine how little they would have to talk about if they weren't in the middle of a Six Flags Wild Safari. Terrible. Oh and I was just waiting to look over and see Chris Harrison shooting an elephant, and being all like "what, you think I flew here just for the dumbass rose ceremony?"

  2. I quoted you with proper citation on http://dejaview.tumblr.com/

    I only did it because I adore this blog so much. You write all the stuff I wish I wrote in my actual recaps on RealityTV-Blog.com.

    Don't stop! What are you going to cover when this horror shows ends in two weeks?

    -- Joanna from Nova Scotian (the log in comment thingy gives me a weird username)

  3. Quoting from the greatest movie of all time-ERIC STRATTON.Now That was a bachelor. YOU R my hero Evster-Your writing belongs in Hollywood...or not.seriously-you make me lmfao. As you kids say.

  4. On E! last night they interviewed this girl who claimed to be Brad's exgirlfriend who has dated on and off for the past 8 years. Her whole message was that Brad is really a controlling freak who proposed to her, sobbing trying to get her back, mere weeks before this season of The Bach started filming. She seemed like a quack to me. I'm not sure Brad's smart enough to be that manipulative? I said the Darrie the other day, I would love to know how many times in this season Brad has said "Can you come with me, please? Here, watch your step." THEY KNOW HOW TO WALK!

  5. I went to Nova Scotia once as a youngster with my parents and my father seriously tried to see EVERY SINGLE lighthouse on that island (and there were A LOT of lighthouses).

    I'm actually not even sure if Nova Schoshe is an island.

    I'm also not sure if that man was even my father. And I think we were in New Jersey.

  6. Actually, I thought Nova Scotia was an island for many years too. Until my parents drove me to university. And we didn't drown. So, turns out, it's connected to the rest of North America.

    Yes, lots of lighthouses. I'd like to live in a decommissioned lighthouse when I retire.

    -- Joanna

  7. YOU ARE HI-LARIOUS. Love your blog. I want to be your friend.

  8. We all want to be your friend - desperately. I thought that winning the contest would bring us closer together, but sadly, I'm still alone over here, in this absurd tree house, longing for your touch.

    But seriously, friends?

  9. JJ Redick?

    You can friend me on facebook. Or buy me a pizza. I'd MUCH prefer the latter.