Monday, February 21, 2011

NBA All Star Weekend: So Apparently Kias Come With a Sunroof

Um, there's a car on a basketball court.

Do you ever have those moments in life where you realize that you have no idea what the hell is going on in the world? Like when you go to the mall and see black dudes wearing skinny jeans? Or when you go to buy a Peppermint Patty and it costs more than a dollar? Or when you actually attempt to communicate with a teenager?

Well, NBA All Star Weekend has officially become one of those "what the hell is going on?" events, because I'm pretty sure that I saw Blake Griffin dunk a basketball by JUMPING OVER A CAR! I also saw Justin Bieber hanging out with Jalen Rose, Kanye West in really tight, red leather pants and a human being BRING A CAR INTO AN ARENA AND JUMP OVER IT to dunk a basketball!  How does someone even practice this dunk?!?!

Blake:  Hey Charlie, can you bring your car in here? I wanna try something.

Charlie the Maintenence Man:  Uhh, sure, just bring my car around the front?

Blake:  No, bring your car in here, to the court.

Charlie:  What?

Blake:  You have a Kia, right? Just bring it in here. Park it right in front of the rim, in the paint.

Charlie:  Uhhh, Blake, this is a basketball gym.

Blake:  Yeah, I know. I'm gonna dunk a basketball while jumping over a car.

Charlie:  (Not talking, just staring at Blake, no idea what he's talking about.)

Blake:  Actually, does your car have a sunroof? Cause I've got another idea. Is Baron Davis still around, or did he leave?

Charlie:  Blake, I had trouble bringing in the ball rack this morning, did you see me? I banged it into the doorway and spilled the balls everywhere. Everybody yelled at me. How am I supposed to fit a car in here?

Blake:  I'm really hungry. I could go for a sandwich.

I guess I liked Blake's car dunk. It was cool and all, I mean, Blake Griffin did jump over a car. And it was really cute when Baron Davis popped his little head out of the sunroof and revealed himself, but I guess I'm just more of a traditionalist and prefer when people dunk basketballs by jumping really high and dunking really hard. Like Shawn Kemp, he would just jump really high, and dunk really hard and that would cause both me and Dikembe Mutombo to completely freak out because Shawn Kemp jumped REALLY HIGH and dunked REALLY HARD. And Dikembe was from The Congo where people LIVE IN HUTS.

No Dikembe, in America we clap our hands to show approval. We don't raise them. Except when we get arrested or listen to The Black Eyed Peas.

The Slam Dunk Contest also featured an African guy dunking while eating a stuffed animal and another guy dunking two basketballs on two different baskets. Also, there was another guy who just tried to dunk basketballs by just dunking basketballs, but he was bounced in the first round. Let's break it down.

Serge Ibaka - This aforementioned African decided it would be a good idea to have a little Asian child come onto the court prior to his second dunk and pretend to have lost his toy. The camera then panned to the hoop which had a small stuffed animal attached to the front of the rim and Ibaka assured the child he would retrieve his "toy." He then leaped into the air and snatched the toy with his mouth and bricked the dunk.

It was okay. I appreciated the creativity and the fact that Ibaka totally snatched the toy with his mouth, but it really bothered me that the commentators kept calling it a "toy." It was a stuffed animal. Like when I was a kid and my mother and older brother always referred to my WWF figurines as my "dolls." They were wrestling figures, not dolls. I wasn't playing with my dolls, I was playing with my wrestling figures! And yes, I also had the wrestling ring and would provide live commentary and would take a red marker and draw blood all over their faces, especially Big John Studd because he was an ASSHOLE. Anyway, I'm not hating on Serge Ibaka, I fully support his stuffed animal dunk (even though it took him two tries to execute).

That is a stuffed animal in his mouth. That he bit with his mouth. That was attached to the rim. During a dunk contest. On Planet Earth.

Nine year old Evster would've gone BONKERS for these figures!

Jevale McGee - McGee's two-ball / two-basket dunk would've been outrageous had it not taken him 37 tries to get it done. Bricked dunks totally deflate the contest (which we already knew after The Birdman and Nate Robinson blew dunk after dunk in previous years), but the judges are apparently perfectly fine with paying more than a buck for Peppermint Patties and were easily influenced by this year's gimmicks.

He missed this dunk. And like, twelve others.

DeMar DeRozan was the only guy who actually just dunked basketballs through a rim (and did so quite well!), although his gimmick of having a lady hold up a sign revealing the names of his dunks was really lame. At LEAST put her in a bikini, DeMar!

Look at BD popping out of that sunroof!  Cutest alley-oop ever.

Blake Griffin was a boss, though. Despite his last gimmick and overall mediocre performance, his 360 two-handed mega-miss on his first dunk was so bonkers that I totally don't fault the other guys for bringing in props and Chinese kids. I really hope next year Blake is challenged by LeBron, Dwight Howard and some sort of robot that dunks with it's feet. 

Jeff Hornacek is rolling over in his grave.

The Three Point Shootout has become the best event of All Star Saturday night, but was tainted this year because for the first time in the contest's history, NO WHITE PEOPLE were involved. This makes no sense to me. Even as a white person who hates white people and doesn't even respect outside shooters that much (I much prefer guys who go to the rack), I always like seeing white guys drain jumpers. In the previous twenty-three contests, THIRTEEN of the winners have been whities. (Whereas in twenty-six dunk contests there has only been one whitey winner, Brent Barry, whose wife recently cheated on him with Tony Parker, a black dude who has never made a three-pointer nor dunked a basketball, but has probably bedded THOUSANDS of women.) White people stroking threes is truly the only thing white people can be proud of these days. I guess you could make an argument that Regis Philbin is pretty cool, but as white people, we really don't have any positive male role models. Without a participant in this year's contest, quarterbacking and running the entire world for the last 30,000 years will have to suffice.

James E. Jones, not Jermaine, not J.J. Redick and not James Gumbel.

This year's shoot-out was won by Heat forward, James Jones, or as Rick Fox called him, "Jermaine Jones." I watched the contest with my wife and our friends, Law and Chicken, and Chickster kept calling him "James Earl Jones," a nickname that I can't believe I never thought of. James Earl is not a good basketball player, but can totally wap a three and based on the fact that the real James Earl Jones is sort-of Gumbel-esque, I think we can safely ingratiate James Jones as an honorary white dude. Also, James Earl was presented his Three-Point Shootout award by Foot Locker CEO, Dick Johnson (and I'm not kidding).

Earlier, Chickster told us that she had never had a B.L.T. before, which led Law and I to make B.L.T's, miss the WNBA shootout thing and question Chicken's upbringing. Later, she also revealed that Law's father always tells her that she looks exactly like Diana Taurasi, which Chickie finds very insulting. I assured her that I've always been VERY attracted to Taurasi and after Law pulled up these pictures of her on the web, Chickie felt a little better about being compared to a six-foot, steroid enhanced, professional women's basketball player who may or may not be a lesbian.

Bowling, anyone?
Nice paper-weight.

The T-Mobile Magenta Carpet Pre-game Show, or as it should here-on be known as,"The Absolute Shittiest Production in the History of Television" was co-hosted by Rick Fox and Maria Menounos aka The Absolute Shittiest Interviewer in magenta carpet history. Every one of her interviews started off with, "This is amazing, right?" and at one point while interviewing Amar'e Stoudemire, Maria asked him, "Is Carmelo Anthony here today?" Amare's response, "Uhhhh, yeah, he's playing for the West." Maria then giggled, showed off her perfectly shaved armpits and sent it back to the guys in the booth. F**K YOU MARIA!

My wife also pointed out that Cheryl and Reggie Miller are NEVER in the same place together, which led to her theory that they're the same person. Think about it, Cheryl came first, dominated women's college basketball and then morphed herself into Reggie and became a prolific three point assassin, unable to create his/her own shot. Plus, they look and act exactly alike and arguing with my wife is POINTLESS.

The All Star Game itself was great. Kobe went bonkers and LeBronski almost stole the MVP with a late game explosion. However, highlights for me included Dwight Howard referring to himself as "Chocolate Shoulders" and Rhianna's halftime performance where she once again proved that her lady-parts are VERY dangerous.

Bieber back to the ole "schwee-schwoop" hairstyle.

I also liked that the entire East starting five threw baby powder into the air with LeBron before the game. I am a HUGE advocate of using baby powder and seriously can't live without it. I rub it all over myself every morning and drive my wife INSANE because our entire changing room is covered in white powder. I'm not kidding, it's EVERYWHERE. But I can't not use it, it totally prevents chubb-rub and nothing else works!

Although, maybe skinny jeans are where it's at? They're certainly working for Bieber as he took home the MVP of the Celebrity Game on Friday night, thanks to his rapid fan base dominating the text messaging voting.

I honestly have no idea what's going on in this world, but I do know that I have to end this post now, because I'm not quite sure how my life has brought me to the point of considering to wear skinny jeans in order to prevent chubb rub and be more like Justin Beebs.

Plus, I need to go food shopping to prepare for our Bachelor viewing party tonight.


Please kill me.

Little known fact: Rhianna is from the hometown of Bonkersville, Ohio.


  1. This is the point in the Bach where you have to appreciate every little thing, because before you know it, it's over, and Chris Harrison and Pickelsimer are merely a faint memory. Wait, that's actually a good thing. I can have my life back on Monday nights. Right? Right?

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