Friday, February 11, 2011

Jersey Shore: Ron Ron Needs A Serious Time-out ... Or At The Very Least A Decent Yoga DVD

It's all fun and games until one guy breaks the other's neck.

Up until last night, the most unbelieveable events I'd ever witnessed on television were:

- Ron Artest running into the crowd to punch people during The Malice at the Palace.
- Jake and Vienna's showdown during their Bachelor reunion.
- Any episode of either Intervention or Unbeatable Banzuke. Those shows are outrageous. Also, The Puppy Bowl was pretty incredible / riveting.

But Ronnie and Sammi's blowup last night combined with Ronnie's impersonation of Donkey Kong rank right up there among the all time blowups. Hey Ron, when life's got you down, just start smashing stuff! It's a wonderful credo. I once helped a friend renovate his bathroom and spent an entire afternoon smashing stuff. One of the best days of my life. Also, he bought me pizza, so double bonus right there.

High score!

Before we really break down the explosion, let's look at some of the lighter moments from last night's episode of Jersey Shore aka the place where not only steroid needles are found on the beach, but used!

Roger. Can we talk about this Roger fella? Or "kid" as JWoww calls him? First of all, this "kid" is at least 47 years old and will probably hunt me down and kill me if he ever reads this next paragraph (if in fact he is literate, which based on his cranium size, I'm going to say is definitely possible). I have nothing against Roger, he seems like an okay six foot nine inch tattooed monster who may or may not still count on his fingers, but his friends all call him "Roger?!?!" Now I've known a couple of Rogers in my day and I don't ever remember calling them, "Roger." Maybe Raj, maybe Raj, but Raj from What's Happening sort of eliminated any sort of respectability from that nickname. I am lucky to have a bunch of friends in this world and I don't think I call any of them by their first names. And if I had a friend named Roger, I'd at least call him Roger Ebert, or Eebs or constantly ask him what he and his buddy Siskel thought of The Constant Gardener. But then again, I don't have a friend named Roger, I have a friend named Ferdburglar.

It's gonna be awesome when this guy finds me and puts that right fist through my dome.

Did anyone notice Pauly D shadowboxing while Sammi and Donkey Kong were bickering? I don't know why Pauly D was shadowboxing or if he takes boxing classes or just likes to occasionally loosen up the ole rotator cuff, but he was SO locked in while doing it. I mean, he was REALLY into it. So serious. Love that guy.

Kinda strange that Ronnie and Brad The Bachelor have the same giant cross tattoo on their backs? Brad's is square in the middle while Ronnie's is in the upper left hand quadrant, leaving more pallet space for future tatts of a giant video game gorilla smashing barrels.

All right, onto Sammi and Ronnie. 

I like how Ronnie put The Situation "in his place" with some passive aggressive needling followed by caving and hugging it out. Later, Ron Ron told Sammi, "You do you! And I'll do me!" And later backed this up by freaking out when Sammi was doing herself and Ronnie apparently wasn't doing himself. I wonder what would happen if my wife ever allowed me to do me. Me doing me would probably consist of ordering A LOT of pizza and playing A BUNCH of video games. It may also involve me leaving my socks WHEREVER I wanted and buying TWO PERCENT milk instead of one.

Here's the thing with Ronnie's bongo-ballistic breakdown: Doesn't Sammi doing Sammi and Ron doing Ron mean they were BROKEN UP?!?!  Ron's argument that he at least had enough respect for Sammi to cheat on her behind her back was one of the most preposterous arguments ever spoken since the time I told my wife that I leave my socks on the living room floor because "it allows them to air out better." It was at this time that my wife frigging lost it and vowed to never watch this show again.  

For the record, my wife has probably said that every week for the last month and a half by the way, but this time she meant it!!!

Sometimes my wife puts my dirty socks on my pillow when I leave them downstairs. Also, this is not a picture of my actual socks and bed, but I don't expect you to believe me.

It's hard to feel for Sammi, because she's been so weak and has allowed this abuse to go on for so long, BUT YOU GOTTA FEEL FOR THIS LADY. She was in a VERY abusive relationship with a Cro Magnon dude for WAY TOO LONG. This Ron Ron fella is a very disturbed person. The way he spoke to her (AND SMASHED ALL HER STUFF) was borderline maniacal, and I really feared that last night he was going to make some North Jersey plastic surgeon a very rich man.

The rage and venom that was spewed during their blowup was on par with Anakin Skywalker's "I hate you!" at the end of Star Wars episode III.

Link below ... skip ahead to the 1:30 mark for the "I hate you" part ... Which was by all accounts, Oscar worthy for Hayden Christensen. I understand that the acting in these movies was embarrassing, but this is a fine fine performance by big Hayden. He didn't really hate Ewan McGregor, he was just acting! 

Anyway, I'm very proud of Sammi for finally leaving. She needed to get outta there and do her. I imagine doing her will consist of a lot of sobbing, but at least she won't have to deal with Ronnie's abuse.

She will have to deal with some weight loss and overall lethargy though. When my high school girlfriend broke up with me, I didn't eat for like an hour and a half.

Evster's note: Believe it or not, I did actually have one girlfriend in high school and I still periodically send her thank you notes for showing me the ropes and saving me from hanging out with dorks named Ferdburglar. Also, the truth is that when she broke up with me, I didn't eat for like three weeks, constantly sent her letters in the mail and may or may not have asked for my lucky sweatshirt back.


  1. Google it-- do you know why the ocean is so salty? It's becaue of all that whale sperm.

  2. I don't even WATCH Jersey Shore and I am crying from laughter-Ev-I love you. And tell Katie-I'll pick ur socks up-she has to play nice!!

  3. sammie's actually the one abusing ron.

    she follows him everywhere he goes, gets upset for him talking to anyone else, routinely gets mad if he has any life outside of her.

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