Friday, February 4, 2011

The Evster's Super Bowl Preview

This looks normal.

With the big game fast approaching, I figured I'd write a little something about a topic that I actually care about (football), as opposed to a topic that I also deeply care about (reality television), but pretend not to care about when I'm around people who really care about football (or hate Jewish people).

Let it be known, I actually have some credibility to talk about football; I spent two years working at NFL Films, wrote a sports column for InSite Magazine and once actually caught a football without hurting my hands.

Green Bay vs. Pittsburgh, let's analyze the two cities.

I've never been to Wisconsin, but I absolutely love cheese, the color green, and I gotta be honest, I like bays. I really do. I've only been to a couple bays in my life and I understand that some bays smell a little gross (I'm looking at you Ocean City, New Jerz), but they're very peaceful and quaint and Old Bay seasoning is straight up delicious. Green Bay isn't really known for much besides the Packers, which is cool, especially because my home town of Illadelph is mostly known for murder and a fictional boxer who may or may not have taken horse hormones to defeat Ivan Drago.

I have been to the city of Pittsburgh, twice, once for a lame-o wedding and again a drive through where the wife and I stopped at Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water (which is amazing). Falling Water was beautiful and mind-boggling, but I'm apprehensive to give any props to the Pittsburgh area simply because Ben Roethlisberger might've raped two chicks and my readership is almost entirely female. So let me just say that Pittsburgh is dumb, even if every other place on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is in or around the Steel City area which is absolutely amazing.

Falling Water. Totally worth a trip to Pittsburgh Western PA.

Pouncey Pouncey Pouncey

You're gonna hear a lot about this guy on Super Bowl Sundee, Maurkice Pouncey. He's the starting center for the Steelers and it's questionable as to whether he's going to suit up for the game with a broken ankle. He's an absolute monster, anchors the Steelers offensive line and also, did I mention his name is Maurkice Pouncey? Personally, if I was Mrs. Pouncey (which I'm not, I can assure you, I am NOT Maukice's mother, I am NOT Mrs. Pouncey), I would've gone with Marquis, or Marquisse or Marcus or Marc or Ardvark, honestly Ardvark would've been a better name than Maurkice. Ardvark Pouncey. My name is Evan and even I have trouble ordering pizza and having the pizza guy understand me.

Kevin?

No, it's Evan.

Eric?

Evan. Ehhh vinnnn.

Devon?! Large pie for Devon! Large pie for some lady on the phone named Devon! ... Devon Dickbag! ... Make it taste like isht! ... He seems like a weeny who has never played football before!

The Packers Long-Haired Linebackers

Back in the day, the Rams and Steelers had a long, blonde haired linebacker named Kevin Greene who looked REMARKABLY similar to my prom date. Well, now Kevvy Kev is the linebackers coach for the Packers who also have two long, flowing, blonde headed maniacs at linebacker, Clay Matthews and AJ Hawk. Matthews is the more dominant of the two. He singlehandedly turned the Eagles season around in week one when he knocked Kevin Knob out with a concussion and allowed Philly to bring in a quarterback who choked dogs and could throw a football through a goddamn waterfall. Matthews's hair looks clean and well kept, while Hawk's is much greasier. The Hawk is a dead ringer for Millie from Freaks and Geeks.

Tucked behind the ears.
Just the one ear tucked for Millie. 

The Quarterbacks (one of whom might've raped two chicks)

If the rapist and the Steelers win on Sundee, people will start to include him in the discussions of the all-time great QBs: Montana, Manning, Elway, Starr and Randall Cunningham (the first QB to actually leap over a whole guy). My friend Feddd actually thinks that leaping over a whole guy should be five bonus points in fantasy football (but he would think that considering he had Peyton Hillis this year). For the record, no one leaps over whole guys like Peyton Hillis. It's like his go-to move: breaks into the secondary, oh no, I don't know what to do, oh, how bout I leap over this whole guy? His other move is to plow over people like a bulldozer. I think I just did a pretty good job not talking about Ben Roethlisberger in this paragraph abut Ben Roethlisberger. Thank you.

Aaron Rodgers on the other hand was educated at Cal, had a 3.6GPA in high school and scored 1300 on his SATs. Even though a 1300 today isn't quite the same as a 1300 fifteen years ago, I imagine that he's still smart enough to not get the entire female population to hate his guts. To date, he has no accusations or convictions of sexual assault. He does however do this touchdown celebration called "The Championship Belt" where he pretends to wrap a wrestling belt around his waist. My buddy Gell once told me in college that he preferred chicks who didn't wear belts. I didn't understand at the time, but quickly adopted the same feelings after he pointed out around 37 butt cracks one night out in College Park. Gell was way ahead of his time as showing off a woman's butt crack was not yet en vogue. Of course, because of the Real Housewives of the A.T.L., we all know now that side-boob is the new butt-cleavage.  

Aaron Rodgers impersonates Fergie's patented twat thrust.

Pregame and Halftime Performances (aka Snoozapalooza)

Christina Ags is singing the national anthem, which is really exciting considering I'm pretty sure doesn't speak English. According to Wikepeeds, Ags grew up singing the national anthem at Pittsburgh sporting events for the Steelers, Pirates and some team called the "Penguins" who play a sport called "hockey?" I also think she might be pregnant, but don't feel like fact checking on Google because my internet connection is being really slow right now and I would be really disappointed if I were to find out she wasn't pregnant and then would have to rewrite this entire paragraph. Also I'm really looking forward to a pregnant lady singing a song and potentially giving birth on national television, which would be the SECOND most graphic thing I've seen this week after witnessing Snooki's tongue digging into some dude's mouth last night on Jersey Shore.

Thankfully, I disinfected my retina this morning with lamb's blood and can now see again.

The halftime spectacular will be performed by The Black Eyed Peas who I'm pretty sure will be singing a song that requires me to put my hands somewhere. I can also guarantee you that Fergie will not be wearing a belt and someone onstage will leap over a whole guy.

Coulda been a hell of a linebacker.

Some Actual Football Analysis (not really)

All right, let's actually dig in deep ("dig in deep?" ... no idea what that means ... I'm trying to say that I will now attempt to write an entire paragraph about actual football and not pregnant women, lamb's blood or side-boobs).

Everybody seems to be riding The Pack and their potent passing attack, especially because the Steelers' strength is their ability to stop the run. But the bottom line is that the Steelers are the Steelers and have been a complete team all season. They're solid defensively, have a balanced offense with playmakers and grinders and have a quarterback who despite his lechery finds a way to win ballgames. I see Aaron Rodgers making some plays, the Packers blond ambition tour making some noise on D, but eventually the Black and Yellow will emerge thanks to playmakers on offense and a devastating linebacking corps who have proper hairstyles. With James Harrison, Lamarr Woodley and (I could seriously put any name in here, like "Larry Gobolowski" and my female readers would nod their heads), the Steel Curtain defense will turnover the Pack attack. Offense gets chicks, defense wins championships (and probably also gets chicks ... much freakier chicks who probably wear championship belts in the bedroom). Look, I'm sorry to say it, but my prediction is:

Steelers 27    Packers 20

Enjoy the big game. Eat lots of food. Let's go Packers.

Also, my parents will be coming over to our house to watch, along with my brother and his girlfriend, so there is a very good chance that on Monday morning I will have moved to Chile and changed my name to Larry Gobolowski.

1 comment:

  1. I got to go with the Steelers too. I too have trouble ordering food. Thad. Did you say Dad? Matt? Fag? Yes, my parents named me fag.

    ReplyDelete