Sunday, January 2, 2011

Seven Reasons Why You Should Totally Watch The Bachelor This Season

The limpest rose ever ... very telling.

The main excuses I get from friends who do not read this blog are, "I don't even watch those shows," followed by, "it's way too long" and "I hate you." The latter two I understand, but not watching The Real Housewives and Dancing With the Stars are totally lame excuses. This blog is about far more than television, it's about crazy women who suck the life out of men and the men who secretly like to have their lives dictated by women. It's about examining sociology through the lens of television and entertainment. It's about posting pictures of Kim Kardashian lying naked on some sort of grey tarp that looks surprisingly comfortable.

My wife makes me lay like this in bed so I don't snore.

Regardless, this Mondee night, The Bachelor begins on ABC and for anyone out there who does not watch this show, trust me, YOU MUST.

There are a laundry list of reasons for why you should watch The Bachelor; so let's take a look at some of them, but not all of them, because I understand how short your attention spans are and how you're probably thinking that another picture of a celebrity on a tarp would fit in very nicely right now.

Milt Stegall The Touchdown Beagle

Reason #1: The Women On This Show Are INSANE and thus, allow our relationships to improve by witnessing their insanity. I know, I know, this sounds like a negative, but it's not. Besides curling up on the couch together with some popcorn or hallucinogens, The Bachelor allows couples to bond. Females get excited to have their men show interest in their lives while men get an inside look at some very very crazy women. Obviously, crazy people can be quite entertaining, but they can also be very helpful building your confidence and strengthening your relationships. For men, it reassures us that our girlfriends or wives or mothers or sisters or housekeepers are far less crazy than some of the other women out there. For women, it reassures them that they're not quite as crazy as at least twenty or so women.

Known the guy for what? ... six days?
Reason #2: The Concept Of This Show Is INSANE. ABC takes twenty crazy, beautiful women and puts them up in a mansion in sunny LA Fitness in a quest to marry some totally ripped dude who woos them with the help of a multi-billion dollar company financing dates where they take helicopter rides to tropical islands and ride dolphins and eat foie gras and sleep in hotels that have magical key-cards that open doors and produce a feeling of euphoria when the card is swiped and an emerald green light comes on. And then, he's supposed to choose one of these ladies as his life partner.

How bout this for a compatibility test instead, ABC? How bout you take a guy and have him come home from work one day dead-tired with a headache and have him leave his socks on the living room floor, not necessarily in the middle of the floor, but off in a corner somewhere and then have him not bring them up to the hamper before bed? Then, after a few days, he does it again, this time kicking off his socks and throwing them in the same corner and also leaving a receipt on the coffee table from a Dunkin Donuts purchase that he made earlier that day even though the couple is trying to save money. Then, come Saturday and having the sock pile and receipt still there, unleash the woman on him and see how he handles the venom that she spews and insults she throws in his direction not only about his laziness and inability to care about his partner's feelings, but also his mother's laissez-faire parenting philosophies and overall poor grammar.

Shocking that only one of the twenty seasons of this show have ended up in matrimony.

I don't remember Jake and Vienna going to Red Lobs.

Reason #3: What Are You Possibly Doing On Monday Nights? Football is over and The Bachelor goes up against How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men and House. Now I've never seen any of those shows, but I've also never delivered mail for a living and I know I don't wanna do that. I do know that my Uncle Ivan watches all of these shows and is also the same person who once put his brisket in a blender and made a smoothie to "make it go down easier." For the record, I actually think delivering mail sounds like a very nice job; take a stroll, deliver some mail, wear nice blue socks.

C'mon Jason Segal!

Reason #4: Look At These Women! actually has a cheat sheet that you can download to keep track of who is who. Upon first glance, Lindsay, the 1st grade teacher from Plano Texas looks completely out of her mind.

Bing bong bing bong bing bong bing!

Reason #5: This Year's Bachelor is HATED By Women Everywhere. The newest bachelor was actually a previous bachelor on the show (in 2007) who left the final two girls at the last rose ceremony and chose neither of them! describes his act as doing "the unthinkable." I describe his act as "taking a deep breath, opening his goddamn eyes and realizing that THIS SHOW IS FREAKING CRAZY." Of course, this caused outrage among the female public and according again to, "for the last three years Brad has undergone intensive therapy." ABC is now labeling him as a "changed man," and I am labeling him as "not a changed man." Who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe How I Met Your Mother is a good show. And maybe Doogie Howser is not. And maybe putting briscuit in a blender is the proper way to wash down a Rosh Hashanah dinner.

Reason #6: There Will Be Moments During This Show When You Have Emotions That You Didn't Even Know Existed in Human Behavior. For example, I'm guessing that you don't think you're capable of taking your Vizio television and smashing it through your car windshield. After watching this show, you will be. This show brings out such awkward, terrible, annoying, dumb behavior from people that there will be four or five times this season that you will seriously contemplate taking a fork and jamming it into your eyelids (not to gouge them out necessarily, but just a nice jamming to let some blood trickle out), anything to keep you from witnessing this train wreck of a program. Between The Bachelor baby talking or the girls crying, or The Bachelor crying and the girls trying to get pregnant, there will be countless moments where you'll find yourself coiled up in the corner of your couch begging someone to change the channel, but then when they do, diving in front of the television to block the remote control signal as to not miss a moment of Hurricane Bachelor. For the record, The Bachelorette with it's twenty dorks fighting for one girl is actually the more horrible / awkward of the two shows, but The Bachelor and his twenty women is certainly more dramatic.

Calculator watch?

Reason #7: Doogie Howser Can Honestly Suck It. C'mon, that guy has always sucked. I mean, he kept a diary for crying out loud. Plus, you think he could handle dating twenty crazy women?!?! He couldn't even handle that one chick that he was always trying to get with. I'm not even sure he ever even got with her!! ... AND HE WAS A DOCTOR!

And didn't it seem like his buddy Vinnie was always trying to get him to sneak out and have fun? And Doogie was always like, "Sorry, Vinnie, I have to wake up early to be a doctor." Dude, live a little bit! You're a teenager for crying out loud!

For crying out loud!

You're not even a real doctor!

Get over yourself!!!

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