Friday, January 14, 2011

Jersey Shore: Oh Sammi Sammi Sammi Sammi

You're better off alone Samster!

Sammi Sweatheart, just pathetic.

If I were to discuss all of Sammi's faults, this post might break the 5,000 word mark, so instead I will just focus on the three things that frustrated me most from last night's ep of Jersey Shore.

Numero Uno:  Misuse of basic English phrases, specifically when Sammie said "I could care less," regarding missing Sunday's family dinner. Sammi, it's "I couldn't care less. I could-n't care less." If you could care less, that would imply that you actually care a little bit (probably true) and have room for caring even less. Whereas if you could-n't care less, then you'd be saying that there is no way that you could possibly care any less about the situation (the actual situation of dinner, not the person). 

Also, as I re-read that last paragraph, I realized that I just wrote the last three sentences actually to Sammi, as if she were actually reading this, when clearly that's not happening. Not because my blog blog lives in internet obscurity and she'd never find it (in fact, do a Google Search for "Sammi Sweetheart pathetic drip of a person" and I bet this pops up), but because there's NO WAY that Sammi would read a blog that has this many words on a page. Geez, I have a friend, Rosa, who claims to be an intellectual, but just unsubscribed from TV My Wife Watches' email alerts because "there's just too much." Then don't read it Rosa! It's not like your inbox is full! Unless you use Hotmail circa 1998, then your inbox is DEFINITELY full.  

The good-ole days. When a shirtless gorilla dined with his roommates.

Numero Dos:  It doesn't really bother me that Sammi follows around her boyfriend like a beagle, she is certainly not the first clingy person to do that. In fact, I know many many Jewish men who follow their wives in the same way. However, it's the fact that she follows RONNIE! Ronnie is the guy she's clinging too! A guy who's family tree is two generations removed from Cro-Magnon. A guy who lifts things up and puts them down. A guy who is one roid rage away from playing quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I would totally understand if Sammi followed around her boyfriend if that boyfriend was sayyyyyy, George Clooney or Leonardo DiCaps, but no, it's friggin' Donkey Kong. 

Sammi, you can do better. Once again, here I am talking to Sammi as if she's reading. Seriously, there are other men out there (who can also lift things up and put them down) who will treat you better. How bout Mario Lopez? Yeah, he might be is gay and yeah he sucks, but he (probably) won't roid-rage out on you and can at least read cue cards. Or how about Ben Roethlisberger? Or an actual gorilla? All upgrades from Ronald. 

This is George Cloons. I'm dead serious.

Numero Tres:  Last thing, very annoying that Sammi took her frustration out on Big Ron when clearly she's only upset because she has alienated herself from the girls and is no longer accepted by the crew. She can't keep going on like this. We simply can't watch this trainwreck much longer. It's just annoying. She needs to swallow her pride, apologize for being lame and hope for some sort of acceptance from the rest of the cast. If she doesn't, and Ronnie has to spend another night sulking with her, he may honestly choke her. Which would just be sad.   

Such a shame that I choose to focus on Sammi when discussing a perfectly good TV show that has seen better days. Very similar to a teacher giving 75% of their attention to the kid who's shooting spit balls as opposed to the ones doing work. Then again, that kid doing work is such a dork. LIVE A LITTLE BUDDY! Geometry is dumb!

For the record, geometry is really dumb. Think about it, when's the last time you used the Pythagorean Theorem? No offense to Pythagoras, who probably treated his girlfriends very well, but his theorem can seriously suck my crank.

***** Evster's note:  Earlier, when choosing to call Ronnie, "Donkey Kong," I actually Googled "famous apes" and found a list on Wikipeeds. They broke it down to ape actors, ape artists, scientific apes, zoo apes, circus apes, pet apes and APE POLITICIANS!!

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