Friday, January 28, 2011

Jersey Shore: I Honestly Have No Idea What Happened With Ronald and Sammi Last Night

Look at Tom's necklace. Are they at a rave?

It was very difficult to pay attention to Jersey Shore last night because there were so many other shows on that my wife and I wanted to watch, such as: The Beverly Hills Housewives Reunion, Lebron vs. The Knicks and anything else besides Jersey Shore. We seriously hate ourselves for watching MTV. Even just watching those commercials for Teen Mom and Skins are annoying enough to make us want to cut ourselves, but we fought through it and now here I am, blogging at 7am when I could be sleeping eating the rest of my leftover Italian hoagie from last night that was absolutely bonkers.

Equally as distracting last night was the fact that the top of my Orville Redenbacher air popper popcorn machine blew off in mid-pop and mid-episode sending kernels (both popped and unpopped) blasting all over our kitchen. I'm not kidding, I was watching The Situation offer sweatpants to a girl and then BOOM! I look up and there's popcorn exploding all over the place. Now, I'm not sure if you've ever witnessed popcorn explode all over the place, but it's a very mild, yet violent explosion, that gets more explosive with every pop, because each kernel pops into the air and just hangs there, kind of like a kid on a trampoline, just elevating and then staring at you, before returning to earth and having sixteen other kernels explode all over the place. Plus, the sound of popcorn kernels exploding exacerbates the chaos as does the sound of your wife cackling like a lunatic while you try to pull the plug on the Rendenbacher Popper while covering your eyes so as not to catch a kernel in the neck.

Obviously, I quelled the madness and returned to the couch, just in time to see Ronald and Sammi go into a level 9 meltdown freak-out. But before I get into Ronnie and Sam and try to make sense of their relationship, there is one other aspect of the show that has been puzzling me and I feel must be explored.

If you've never seen popcorn fireworks, you gotta get one of these. Oh, also, it kinda makes the popcorn taste like cardboard and I'd recommend goggles and/or a snorkel.

The Aforementioned Move When The Situation Offers Sweatpants to Every Chick He Brings Home. I mean, I understand the move: get the girls into some lounge wear so they can loosen up, hang out and eventually smash.  

Did I really just use the word "smash"? I really did, didn't I? Strange because before Jersey Shore, the word "smash" had a totally different connotation in my vernacular. My friends and I have always used the term to describe situations like, "Aw man, that Arby's roast beef sandwich really isn't sitting too well in my stomach, I gotta get home to take a smash," or "Yo, did I ever tell you about the time when I had to take a smash at Veteran's Stadium? It was crazy!" But I guess times have changed. 

Anyway, I understand the motivation behind the sweatpants move and I realize that I haven't brought a girl home who wasn't my wife in a LONG time, but isn't the time to capitalize on a potential smashing RIGHT when a girl walks in the door? Not before these women get their bearings and realize that having sex with a reality TV star on camera and contracting syphilis is probably NOT the best move for them and their future potential of smashing other people? Also, it seems like Sitch always finds a way to NOT have sex with these girls. My wife thinks that maybe The Situation has a sweatpants fetish, which is interesting and sort-of commendable.

If Sitch has a sweatpants fetish, would Zumba pants blow his mind?

Onto Sammi and Ronald, whose relationship has reached trainwreck status, alongside such notorious relationships as Sid and Nancy, Ike and Tina, and me and Arby's. After last night's sure break-up and reconciliation, I'm still trying to put together what even happened. So let's break-it break-it down.

1. Sammi gets drunk and pissed off at Ronald for talking to chicks at the bar, frustrating Ronald McDonns because he was innocently chatting with "the mother of Mike's baby." Ronnie is so incensed that he offers to show Sammi the mother's c-section as proof (you can't make this stuff up) and Sammi apologizes saying she thought "it looked like someone else."

2. Back at the ranch, a much more intoxicated Sammi continues to give Ronald a guilt trip for flirting with other chicks, further incensing Ron despite the fact that just months ago, Ronald was repeatedly triple kissing other girls and cannot be trusted.

3. Sammi threatens to leave the house and McDonald calls her bluff, goes into a roid-rage, chucks all of her clothes around the room and tells her to pack up and go.

4. Sammi returns with a peace offering (a slice of pizza) that Ron-Bon DECLINES, stating that he'd rather have an apology or a protein shake. First of all, I'm not sure what Sammi should have been apologizing for; yeah, she was drunk and can't trust him, but she shouldn't!! Also, it doesn't matter how frustrated I get with my wife, if she were to offer me a slice of pizza, I'm accepting that slice! Even if she were like:

"Hey Ev, here's a slice of pizza. I'm sorry you caught me getting triple teamed by every one of your best friends. It's just that they're much hotter than you and more endowed and well, anyway, here's a slice."

I'd have to take that slice.

I'd have to take that slice!

Also, that pizza last night looked REALLY GOOD.


I didn't make this, but it's kinda funny, right? I'm not even sure if I understand it.

Back to the recap:

5. Sammi starts to clean up her room while Ronald goes downstairs and befriends JWoww, Sammi's arch enemy, who essentially attempts to convince Ron to dump the broad and get her out of the house.

6. The Situation, always the instigator, lets Sammi know that Ronald and JWoww are talking, enraging Sammi and leading to a right cross to the jaw of Ronald's and a full throttle level sixteen freak-out including a call to Mommy to get her outta there.

7. Sammi apologizes to McDonald for the punch, Ronnie cries like a guy on steroids who can't control his emotions and is eventually led back into the bedroom by Sam. By the way, a BRILLIANT move by Sammi. When a dude is vulnerable, just invite him inside to a bedroom where women can control everything.

8. Sammi and Ron-Bon reconcile, my wife and I barf all over the place, but it is revealed that The Situation has been in the room the entire time, providing us with one of the greatest moments in television history.

And now, here I am, still blogging about two people who I couldN'T CARE LESS about instead of eating a perfectly GREAT Italian hoagie.

This game was amazing.

I'm not even sure how to respond to Sam and Ron. Are we really destined to watch more of this relationship play out the rest of this season? I don't even like Ronald, but am DYING for him to get rid of Sammi just so he can go on a gorilla rampage and tear some isht up!

Also, they're not even the worst couple on this show, JWoww and her ex-boyfriend Tom were MUCH WORSE. That guy was such a drip, whining about her not calling him every night. Never being happy about anything. STEALING money from Paypal? I have like, eight dollars in my Paypal account and yet this is where JWoww kept her entire fortune?

I'm getting frustrated just thinking about this nonsense. I need to go finish that hoagie. And clean up around 37 unpopped kernels that are still sprinkled around our kitchen floor.

Thanks a lot Orville!

By the way, Orville?


If Orville were to have ever been drafted in the NBA, what would his draft suit have looked like? A question that will never be answered, but will forever be asked.


  1. I am like Arby's battered ex, I keep coming back for more.

  2. The pizza on last night's episode really did look amazingly delicious!! It took everything in me not to walk 3 blocks to Tower Style Pizza at 11pm last night for 2 of their very mediocre slices.

  3. Evan, I think the entire rest of the world moved to microwave popcorn about 14 years ago. What gives with the air popper?

  4. Somehow my wife convinced me that the air popper was healthier. She also tried to convince me that Kashi Go Lean doesn't taste like tree bark.

  5. Ev, not sure if you caught this one yet...