Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Bachelor: This Brad Fella is Top Notch, Top Notch!

Awww man, now his pants are all wet, too.

Lots to discuss this week including the emergence of a clear cut villain (Michelle), more daddy issues (everybody) and the wettest driveway in the history of television. Seriously, did anyone notice that driveway? DRIPPING WET! I just checked the weather trend in LA Fitness for the last seven days and the temperatures were 83, 79, 82, 79, 75, 70, 65, with NO PRECIPITATION. Granted, this show was probably filmed months ago, but still, even if it did rain, wouldn't the driveway dry up during the day with temperatures in the mid-80's?! It's to the point where I spend most of the show looking for a hose. I'm gonna find you hose! I'm gonna find you!

Another creepy observation that I noticed about The Bachelor is how incredibly similar Brad and I look with our shirts off. I mean, with the exception of his giant muscles, enormous tattoo and lack of stray back hairs sticking out in every conceivable direction, it's like looking in a mirror! So weird!

A recurring theme throughout this season has been daddy issues, from both the girls and Brad. Brad has some abandonment issues regarding his pop and last night one girl revealed that her father was unfaithful, another that her dad did something else (I dunno, sold women's shoes?) and during their one-on-one date, the miniature Ashley shared that her father recently passed away from a brain aneurysm. Her favorite memory of her father was that the two of them used to belt out Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" together in the car. For the record, I've always liked that song, but my wife hates it for some reason. Daddy issues maybe?

Whatever, the bottom line is that these girls need to ...



Good for you, Seal. I'm honestly proud of you.

Every one of them is freaking out and crying and pouring their heart out to The Bach about how hard it is to compete with the other girls and how their dad was a bastard and how the driveway is always SO WET and they can slip and FALL at any moment! They need to just relax. As a man (hardly a man, but a man nonetheless, I WAS BAR MITZVAHED after all!), we gravitate towards women who don't lose their isht at the drop of a hat. We also like people who refrain from using phrases from 19 ought 6 like "drop of a hat."

More than anyone, this Michelle lady with the weathered face needs to check herself. She's throwing around age-old Bachelor phrases like, "None of these other girls are right for him," and completely freaking out when he spends time with the other chicks. Eventually, the other ladies will get into The Bach's ear about how insane she is and she'll self destruct. Or maybe she'll slip on a HAZARDOUS driveway! Or a really long hose that has failed to have been recoiled PROPERLY.

Unbelievably awkward television moment when Emily (the widowed southern belle whose fiance was killed in a plane crash) had to board THE SMALLEST PLANE EVER for her one-on-one date. And then later, it got even more uncomfortable when The Bach asked why her relationship didn't work out. However, I must say that this guy is GOOD. He handled the situation perfectly, got her to open up and made her feel proud of who she is. He even quickly deflected the conversation over to her daughter, knowing she would light up when speaking about her. If I were in that same position and a woman told me her fiance died in a tragic plane crash and she found out days later she was pregnant, I probably would've talked about Zumba or something. "Wow. Really? That's terrible. Hey, have you heard about Zumba? I hear it's fantastic. It's like aerobics, but it's also like dancing. It's called Zumba ... Zumba gunga la gunga ... Caddyshack ... nothin?"

This plane is perfectly safe, Emily ... It's perfectly safe!

Then again, this Brad fella is getting therapy whilst being on the show, which is a nice bonus. Whoever that doctor was who sat down with him this week was just weird, though. He talked more than any therapist I've ever met, and trust me, I've met A LOT of therapists. He did give some decent advice though. I wonder if this guy knows about sex therapy? Alan Thicke's son?

My wife's one piece of advice for any contestant on The Bach, "INVEST IN WATERPROOF MASCARA." When the waterworks start flowing and the mascara drips, these ladies look cuckoo! cuckoo! cuckoo!

Thing to look for next week and beyond: I think "the hand kiss" might be Brad's move, much like the chin tap was patented by Jason Mesnick, Brad has been kissing a lot of hands so far, A LOT of hands. Me myself personally, my move was always the over-the-shirt-hooter-honk, also a good move.

Apologies to any women out there / former girlfriends / current wives who I may have accidentally punched in the face, neck, breast or chest area when going for the over-the-shirt-hooter-honk.

It's a good move, though. It's a good move!


  1. The Mezz is going to be a tough act to follow. I feel like Brad is just a terrible actor, doing his best impersonation of what a "perfect guy" would be like, all the while crying inside for a"perfect guy" of his own.

  2. Wow! Thad S. is blatantly speculating that Brad is still in the closet! Granted, many folks felt the last bach, Jake was camping out in a closet as well. I disagree though, I think this guy will produce multiple (yep, multiple) division 1 athletic offspring!

  3. Jake? No way! I am telling you, Brad is a couple Mai Tai's away from waking up next to a dude. I mean seriously, I would use the wet driveway as a slip and slide into oncoming traffic rather than listen to ONE of those psycho's tell me about themselves. Yet he juggles twenty? TWENTY?

  4. Is Kevin Klonsky ready to wake up naked next to Jake? I heard he LOVES Mai Tai's! Speaking of lesbians-- I'm only one mai tai away from waking up next to Madison with the fangs.

  5. If a Mai Tai tastes anything like a Fresca, then I'm in! Also, if Jake snores less than my wife, I'm also in!