Monday, January 3, 2011

The Bachelor Stats Tonight!! ... Stats? ... Starts.

Really? That's so interesting.

Despite the fact that I clearly suck at life, I was never a Boy Scout. I spent my childhood playing sports, not whittling, and am more or less terrified of the outdoors. However, there are two aspects of the Scouts that I totally condone: playing with fire and the Boy Scout motto: "Be Prepared."

And so, as you buckle in for tonight's premiere of The Bachelor, it is very important to "Be Prepared." If you are not, there is honestly a chance you wake up tomorrow at the Vince Lombardi rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike with your pants around your ankles with absolutely no idea how you got there.

Some things to watch out for:

Be Prepared for some unbelievably corny and horrific pick-up lines when the girls first exit the limo. When they meet The Bachelor, each girl gets around thirty seconds to say hello and distinguish themselves from the other ladies. Keep in mind, these ladies probably have had around three months or so to prepare for this moment and yet come up with the cheesiest lines and worst first impressions you could imagine. Any girl who gives The Bach a little trinket or dancing lesson upon first meeting is an absolute red flag.

Max Englethorpe is SO PREPARED.

Be Prepared to mutter under your breath, "I can't believe I'm watching this bullisht," around seventeen times to yourself, but you gotta fight through it! The show is painful, there's no doubt about that, but it's totally worth the battle. Kind of like eating string beans as a child; just close your eyes and chomp as quickly as possible. They taste terrible at first, but you'll be a better person going forward.

Be Prepared to hear the term, "one-on-one time" a lot tonight and for the next twelve weeks of your life. There will be thirty girls fighting for twenty spots tonight and it is crucial (in their minds) to make sure they are not lost in the shuffle. There will also most likely be one or two women who completely freak out that they don't get this opportunity as well as a few who try to play it cool like it's no big thing, but end up getting kicked off because they take no initiative. I honestly don't understand why a chick doesn't just grab The Bach's hoo-ha upon first meeting, just to show him who's boss and ensure herself at least one night in the mansion. No dude is gonna turn down an RS* like that.

Be Prepared to hate yourself for at least three weeks or possibly the rest of your life. Honestly, it doesn't matter. You're not a good person anyway. Just wait til you start judging these people. It's wonderful.

The Bach starts tonight at 8pm on ABC.

*Ripping Slut


  1. I'm really sad that one girl didn't make it through-- who was trying SO hard to get some one-on-one time. "Can I steal you for a minute? So that we can waste time walking somewhere "private" where only cameras will follow us. So that I can have nothing of importance to even say to you. So that you'll have absolutely nothing to distract you from this hideous dress I'm wearing."

  2. This actually bothers me. Why didn't The Bach just say to the other chicks when they were interrupting, "Yo, give me one second, this poor, pathetic girl is trying to talk to me for like one minute, so let me pretend to pay attention to her despite the fact that she's wearing Miss Teen Oklahoma's dress and then I'll come get with you." That would've been the proper way to handle the situation.

  3. Also, wasn't it so sad that the girl who was bold enough to kiss him right away ("My mom always said I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my Prince") didn't even get a rose! And also sort of looked like a frog!

  4. Also, isn't it kinda sad that you're the ONLY PERSON who reads this stinkin' blog?!?!?