Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Bachelor: Soooo Many Blankets

I've honestly never seen this woman before.

I am blown away by the amount of blankets being used on the current season of The Bach. They're everywhere. Outside one-on-one time at the cocktail hour, blankets. Lunch date at the vineyard, blankets. Hey, I just climbed down a skyscraper with a crazy person, you know what I need? A blanket. Now don't get me wrong, I love blankets, I love pigs in a blanket, I love pigs without blankets, I love pigs, I seriously love pigs, they're amazing, but this show is taking it to another level. At one point, the crazy dentist who's not actually a dentist got out of the hot tub and wrapped herself in a blanket. The she went and sat down with two girls who were wrapped in blankets. I just need someone on the show to acknowledge this. Just for one of the girls to give a confessional to the camera and say:

"Look, I'm here for the right reasons and it's very difficult to compete with twenty other girls in the house and it's very important for me to get some one-on-one time and oh, by the way, I have never, EVER, lived in a house with so many blankets. This is incredible. Thank you ABC for revolutionizing the way I think about sitting on couches and building a nest for myself." 

Other notes:

Apparently that linguistics class I took at the University of Maryland taught me nothing, because I have no idea how to pronounce the name, "Chantal." Looking at it, I'd go with "Shahn Tall", as in, "Swan Tall," but everyone on the show says, "Shann Tell" as in "Can Tell." Is Chantal sure she's pronouncing her name correctly? Also, are you aware that the "stuff" in Double Stuf Oreos is spelled with one "f"? Yeah, my wife and I now call them "Dooblay Stoofs." We're also referring to "group dates" as "groupers." It's just fun to say:

"Hey, did you get a one-on-one date or a grouper?"

"Oh, I got a grouper."

"Oh, you're going on a grouper?"

"Yeah, me and Chantelly Lace are going on a grouper. Hey, can I borrow a blanket?"

"No, I need seventeen blankets."

Nice grouper!

There was also a moment after Chantal's one-on-one date where she said she could potentially see herself as one day being "Chantal Womack" (orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Chantal Pickelsimer). 

Thing I noticed about The Bachelor (the person, not the show) this week:  
Brad has an ENORMOUS Adam's Apple. Now, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it's a thing. It's a GIANT thing blasting out of his throat. I know that an Adam's Apple is a very masculine appendage and I've heard many women say they love a guy's sharp jawline, or strong neck, but I've never heard of a large Adam's Apple as being a bonus. For the record, I don't know if I've ever actually heard a woman say they like a strong neck, but if I were a woman, I think I'd like a strong neck.

While we're on the topic of necks and throats, it has always bothered me when people start choking and say, "Oh man, it went down the wrong pipe, it went down the wrong pipe." Uhhhhhh, there is no wrong pipe. There is no other pipe. Humans have one pipe. We are a one pipe species. The only way it would make sense would be if there was a human born with two necks. Like: 

"Hey, you remember my cousin, Freddy?"

"Freddy, Freddy? No, I don't know him."

"Sure you do, my weird looking cousin who has two giant heads and two necks."

"Oh, Freddy, sure! The guy who's always choking!"

"Exactly!"

For the record, if there is anyone out there with two necks and/or throats and/or windpipes, I sincerely apologize. That is no way to live. I cannot imagine a life where one was constantly choking. I have choked once and it was TERRIFYING. I was driving home from New York on the New Jersey Turnpike and started choking because my one pipe malfunctioned and almost drove my car straight into the Vince Lombardi rest stop. When I got home, I wrapped myself in like, 37 blankets.

Evster's Note:  According to reader "Gabulous" and any first grade Science textbook, it seems as if humans do in fact have two pipes, the esophagus and the trachea, and not one like I just stated. You can read more about Gabber's knowledge of Biology in the comments section. Regardless, Brad still has a giant lump in his throat and I still think Science is dumb. 

Mr. Snake might have some trouble swallowing a grouper.

I also noticed that Brad LOVES thanking the girls for stuff. Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for coming on this date with me. Thanks for sticking your tongue down my throat and not getting weirded out by my giant Adam's Ap. I'm going to count how many "thanks" he dishes out next week. Setting the over-under at ten.

I also also noticed that on the way to Brad's one-on-one date with Michelle when they climbed down a skyscraper that he was NOT wearing a seatbelt. Kind of strange to cheat death that way?

Brad's therapist, Jaime:  Hey man, how was that skyscraper date?

Brad:  Ehhhhh, never actually got there. I choked on a couple of Dooblay Stoofs on the way there and wrecked ABC's Maserati. They got caught on my GIANT Adam's Ap, so we just stayed in and watched Intervention.

Also, Brad calls his therapist, Jaime?!?!?

Thing I noticed about The Bach (the person again, not the show) last week:  
Brad's handkissing is out of control. I counted at least four women whose hands he kissed last night. Also, Michelle, the crazy weathered faced and black eyed pea, RECIPROCATED with a handkiss of her own!

Michelle is completely out of her mind. My buddy Law thinks she's funny and is doing everything tongue in cheek and I will admit that she has a sense of humor (not necessarily a good one, but still has one), but her freak-outs are too much too soon. My wife screamed at the television while she broke down about the fact that Brad is attracted to other types of girls. My wife's main argument was, "YOU DON'T KNOW HIM! MAKE SURE HE'S RIGHT FOR YOU!"

I think the lady in orange might be choking.

This came minutes after I screamed at the television, right before Chantal's one-on-one date:

Chantal:  He's picking me up in a helicopter!

Me:  NO HE'S NOT!!! ... ABC is! ... Brad had no input into the planning of this date!  He would probably take you to Bennigans! ... Why aren't we watching Intervention?!?! ... I gotta see if Lorna makes it! ... There's no way Lorna makes it.

Ev's Bachelor Watching Tip of the Week:  It's fine to flip channels during breaks from The Bachelor, but DO NOT flip to Intervention. It will suck you in. Last night, we made that crucial mistake and missed literally minutes of Bachelor action while watching an entire family ripped apart by a lady on crack (Lorna). When we returned to The Bach, it took us at least seventeen seconds to figure out what was going on.

Back to Michelle and Brad's skyscraper scaling, which was COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. I wanted  Brad to just say, "You know what, you're freaking out, this isn't fun, let's just go to Bennigan's." However, my wife the psychologist said what they did was called "traumatic bonding" and undoubtedly brought them closer together. What it also did was cause us to scream at the television once again when Brad and Michelle pulled off their death-defying skyscraping kiss. We were outraged.

Our next-door neighbor Bridget, who joined us last night, is also outraged that ABC no longer includes the women's ages next to their names. My wife said she read that ABC removed them because they thought it might be offensive to women, leading Bridget to say, "This whole show is offensive to women!" This then led my wife to suggest that we make a giant fantasy football-esque draft board on our wall with all of the women and their ages on it. That'd be awesome if Bridget's husband, Dan, decided to join us one night. "Oh hey Dan, didn't know you were coming over. Come here, I gotta show you my new set of tools and that? oh that's nothing, that's just my giant poster of all the bachelorettes and their ages. Hey, would you like a Fresca?"

Lastly, it was nice to see Chris Harrison stop by to pick up his paycheck at the end of the episode.

"Oh hey guys, what's going on? Just came here to grab my millions of dollars while you're all getting your hearts broken and freaking out. Oh by the way, Emily, next week we're gonna make you drive a racecar and yeah, I'm aware that your dead husband used to race cars and you're probably going to have a mental breakdown, but it was nice seeing you! Hey, also, can someone hose down this driveway for me? I gotta get outta here, the wife and I have tickets to see Train."


8 comments:

  1. Look, Evers, I think you may be taking too many liberties in promoting your one-pipe-town theory. It's known that the epiglottis can malfunction from time to time, letting food & drink slip mistakenly into the trachea instead of the esophagus. Two pipes. Maybe I misread something up there because I was too busy thinking about how beautifully pedicured Brad's bare feet looked for his therapy session with Jaime, or maybe I just missed your funny on that one altogether. Either way, you win.

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  2. Nice Chris Harrison impression Ev! Now, please pack your knives and go.

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  3. Listen Gabba Gabba, I failed high school science, I have no idea how many pipes we have. We may have three pipes. Honestly, based on your vocabulary, I'm deferring to you on this one.

    For the record, I actually got a D in high school Physics, not an F. And while I realize that Physics has nothing to do with people's throats, it is Science, which I just don't understand. I also once failed high school French. Once (un temps).

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  4. Thank you, Catherine (my wife ladies and gentlemen)!

    Why don't I write about Top Chef?!?!

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  5. Why DON'T you write about Top Chef. Full disclosure, I have been part of a Monday night Bachelor(ette) viewing party for the last 3 years or so. Shame. Actually, all we do is sit around and make fun of all of the amazingness that is The Bach. Oh and eat awesome food. Things we talked about last night: blankets, Brad's lack of sincerity, Michelle's craziness, how Brad isn't actually doing any of the date planning, which led to a google search of his real job. College dropout, turn oil rig worker, turn bar owner. How about that? Also, if I came to see your manly work room/ age draft board, I would make fun of it on instinct, and then vigorously debate your age placement, thus incriminating myself. Shit.

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  6. the blanket thing is amazing. you are revolutionizing the way i watch the Bach.

    speaking of which, while i don't have an actual Bach watching party, i text with my coworkers and then we debrief the next morning. today we talked about Brad's ability to not slap the girls who are crying and whining to him pretty much all the time, which is basically every girl. no guy would be able to take that. how does he take that?

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  7. Ev - I want to post to facebook but the little blurb that shows up with the facebook post is one of our comments, not your blog post. Can you change that somehow? i'm not sure how but if there is a setting for that, it would be sweet.

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  8. I have no idea how to use facebook or how to become an oil rig worker.

    I do know how to eat pizza though ... JUST HAD THREE SLICES!

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