Monday, December 20, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Very Educational

Not proper Heimlich technique.
They say that "you learn something new everyday," and yesterday I learned that Desean Jackson is a pimp. In Desean's defense, I actually already knew that he was a pimp, but now he will officially go down as one of Philadelphia's all-time pimps along with Wilt Chamberneezy, Chase Utley and various Jewish teenagers who make out with mad chicks every year at Pocono summer camps.

I also learned quite a few things later that evening by watching an educational program on PBS called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." It seems as if PBS has put together a documentary exploring the issues of a modern day southern culture through a sociological lens. Last night, it was revealed by a man who must've been a doctor (although he was masquerading as Kim Zolciak's stylist) that "Side boob is the new butt cleavage." This profound statement will now be discussed at psychological and gastroenterological conferences across the globe.

To explore this hypothesis, we must first examine the popularity of butt cleavage, which I must admit, I didn't know was actually a thing. I mean, I knew it existed and I've certainly stared at my fair share of butt cracks, from plumbers to teenagers to Kardashians to every girl at Club Egypt from 1999-2006, but never realized it was a conscious united ploy by all women. Now that I think about it, OF COURSE IT WAS, as it led men to the allure of discovering that women were not actually wearing underwear, which was obviously another brilliant ploy and further proves that it MAKES NO SENSE why women do not rule this world! Seriously, how is it possible that women have been persecuted for so long and have struggled for civil rights and equality in the work place when CLEARLY they should be able to use their powers to GET WHATEVER THEY WANT?!?!

You can still find 'em.
Well, now with the introduction of side boob into the equation, there is a very good chance that Sarah Palin will become the next President of the free world. And still, for some reason, many Democratic women are upset about this?! Shouldn't they be celebrating? There is a VERY good chance that by 2016 all men will be forced to wear leashes and dog collars. And to be honest, I think the male gender as a whole is ready for this evolution.

Just last month, after this picture of Angie Everhart in a bikini was posted on my fantasy football league's homepage, my friend Dickdog offered to trade Randy Moss AND Brandon Marshall straight up for a "FULLY nude pic of Angie."

There's no way Angie wears Skechers Shape-Ups.

Here then is the email chain that followed Dickdog's trade request:

Me:  I actually like partial nudes better ... more erotic! ... Loaves knows what i'm talking about!

Hart:  Hart knows what you're taking about!

Larbage:  I like shots that can be used in anatomy journals.

Loaves:  Big fan of side boob and under boob, but I think I'm the biggest fan of see-through boob. See-through shirt boob, I mean. An actual see-through boob would be gross unless there was another boob in it.

Feddd:  Could you imagine a see-through boob with another boob in it?!

Dickdog:  Saw a great side boob of Miley Cyrus the other day!

Swapping this pic could probably land you Santana Moss.

Look, the bottom line is that we (the members of The Chodage Fantasy Football League) are TOTALLY READY for the Side Boob era. For the record, we'd also be ready for the return of the Regular Boob Era, the Gigantic Boob Era or even the Total Recall Triple-Ripple-Boob Era.

However, we would not be in favor of the return of the European Pointy Boob Era that seemed to explode during the mid 1970's and had a brief resurgence when the movie Chocolat came out. 

Time to end this crap; here are some other things that I learned during last night's documentary:

- On Watch What Happens Live!, Phaedra revealed that the first person she ever kissed was Jewish! This, along with the fact that Nene admitted last week that she was interested in dating a white dude deserves not only its own blogpost but probably its own seminar at psychological and gastroenterological conferences across the globe.  

- Phaedra also claimed that her baby was born 7 pounds and 23 ounces proving that I have no idea how conversion rates work.

- Kandi's record producer (who I believe goes by the name, "Selassie," which is amazing) has without a doubt the most comfortable looking desk chair I've ever seen in my life. It rivals those Saab / Audi racecar seats that European soccer teams use as their dugout chairs. Also, the fact that the word "racecar" is spelled the same forwards and backwards is still as interesting as it was twenty-five years ago.

Ronaldo laments the fact that side boobs are replacing butt cleave.

- Andy Cohen is taking over the world. Once just the dude who interviewed the housewives on reunion shows, he now has catch-phrases, a Twitter account and is representing Gay, Jewish dudes about as well as a Gay, Jewish dude could. As of now, I'd say there is about a 13% chance that my wife and I will stay in to watch Bravo's Wig Drop on New Years Eve and that number is RISING by the second.

Might even wear a dog collar!

Put that image in your head, Karin!

1 comment:

  1. Now Evan, if the dog collar image included your butt cleavage AND side boobs AND some tasteful erotic semi-nudity .... I'd be outta control. Thanks for the effort!