Thursday, December 2, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta: I Really Cannot Believe How Much I'm Enjoying This Show

Thanks for smiling, Greg.
In case you do not watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Sunday nights at 10pm on Bravo), here is a recap on what has been going on this season.

Also, if you don't watch it, I honestly don't know what you're doing with your life. Seriously, I understand that some people are all TV'd out after watching twelve hours of football and like to head to Rancho Relaxo on Sunday nights and smoke a doob, light a candle and fold some laundry, but please, I'm telling you, this show will not disappoint.

Also also, my friend DickDog gave the show a chance a few weeks ago and was absolutely disappointed. But then again, HIS NAME IS DICKDOG. 

Nene: The six-foot charismatic love-of-my-life is currently having serious marital problems and just filed for divorce in an attempt to get her husband to wake up and smell the Nene. She actually filed for divorce. Like, got a lawyer, signed some papers and filed for divorce. And yet it seems like she totally wants to stay together with her husband, Greg, but just felt like this was her best move in order to get him to try to make it work.

As much as I love Nene, this can't end well. She might as well have brought a dude into her bedroom and been like, "Hey Greg, yeah, this is Mario. He came over tonight because he's gonna have sex with me on our dining room table. And yeah, he's wearing your cuff links. Unless you wanna do something about it. Because I'm about to have sex with this guy. In my vagina. That's where he's gonna have sex with me. All right? Unless you maybe have something you might wanna say ... I dunno, to me or something, cause Mario's here and we were just about to ... OK, maybe you have nothing to say, so we're just gonna head downstairs unless you wanna ... (Nene starts to walk out of the room, looking back, waiting for her husband to say something) All right, just gonna go downstairs then and seal the deal  ... (now walking down the stairs, Nene's voice is heard as she approaches the first floor, heading to the dining room ... Greg picks some food out of his teeth, thinks about what to have for lunch ...) all right! We're about to have sex now, Greg! We're walking into the dining room and I can see the table and whoa, Greg, Mario's taking his pants off and oh my good-i-ness, all right Greg! Now would be a good time to uhhhh ... Greyyyygggggg! He's seriously gonna do it now, cause I'm laying back on the table! ... Wow this table is freezing. So if you were thinking of maybe, okay, now might be a, and YEP, there it is Greg! There it is! Greg?! Greg?!???? Greyyyyyggggggg!"

After filing, Nene and Greg had a dramatic confrontation where it seemed like Greg wanted to reconcile, but quickly changed his tune and now their relationship seems doomed. I honestly can't wait to see who Nene dates next. Maybe Spud Webb?

Looks just like my mom and her friends!

Kandi and Kim: Kandi, the former Xscape star, is now producing her second song for white chick Kim after Kim's debut hit "Tardy For The Party" reached #80 on the iTunes chart last year. This is mind-blowing considering Kim sings about as well as a shoe. Kim has been frustrated that the newest song is not "as popping" as their first hit. The second song, "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing," refers to Kim's sugar daddy, "Big Poppa" (not making this stuff up) and his reluctance to leave his wife despite the fact that he bought Kim THE BIGGEST EFFING RING OF ALL TIME. Apparently the ring didn't mean a thing because Kim is now six months pregnant by a dude from the Atlanta Falcons (and no, it's unfortunately not Roddy White).

Kim and Nene have had a rocky road relationship, but now seem to be on great terms. This past week, Nene came over to hang out with Kim and hung out briefly with Kim's two teenage-ish daughters. Kim's daughters seemed to have THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES with Nene, and probably get so excited when she stops by. I sort of wish Nene was my aunt, no disrespect to my Aunt Maxine, who is a wonderful aunt, but my Aunt Max coils up like an accordian if you try to show her any affection while Nene's bosom is probably as soft and warm as a soft, warm, shoe.

Kandi meanwhile has started a web talkshow called Kandi Koated Nights where she gets people to talk about their sex lives despite the fact that she's the only one who ever seems to want to talk about sex. She is also currently under a vow of celibacy. This week, her special guest was Mr. Luscious, a stripper who wore a sock over his hoo-ha and blew the ladies' minds with the size of his ramrong. Kandi had a great time.

Phaedra: The high powered attorney who once defended Bobby Brown just had a baby despite the fact that she claimed to only be six months pregnant. It was later revealed that she kept her pregnancy a secret because the child was conceived out of wedlock and her mom is very religious (and apparently completely unaware of how the female reproductive organs work despite the fact that she has experienced child birth both as a mother and a baby).

Now home from the hospital, Phaedra seems to be completely taken aback with the responsibilities of being a new parent (and quite frankly, very disappointed). She talks about her child as if he's a total downer in her personal life and seems very unaware that the next eighteen years of her life are over. Her boyfriend or husband or Baby Daddy, Apollo, just got out of jail and honestly couldn't seem any nicer. He seems very happy to have a child, a woman, and a life outside of freezing cold cell.

Homework: the only thing worse than having a baby.
Cynthia: The former supermodel and natural beauty is on the verge of marrying a total schmuck, who deceives others (including my friend Mandy) into thinking he's a cool dude by having a smooth grey beard and a Caribbean accent. She is currently putting together a ridiculous wedding along with a complete lunatic. Cynthia admitted she went on Kandi Koated Nights because she needs to learn some tips for the bedroom. She claims she's up for trying things, but just doesn't know how. If she had put that in a personal ad on Craigslist, she would seriously have gotten FOUR BILLION replies and her computer would have BLOWN UP in her FACE.

Stevie has probably done some work on Craigslist.
Sheree: Newly single Sheree went on a few dates with the sorriest, cheesiest, clammiest dude ever, Dr. Tiy-E Muhammed, but just kicked him to the curb after finding out that he's not a doctor. Even though Tiy-E was sorry and cheesy and clammy, he may have been a perfect fit for Sheree considering she's kind of a drip. Then again, she needs a man with A LOT of moolah and Tiy-E is broke as a mug.

There are still five episodes left this season, so still plenty of time to get involved. This Sunday's episode is entitled, "He Said What?" which can only mean wonderful wonderful things.


  1. I can’t believe there are 5 episodes left! This is going to be the best month of my life!!!!!

  2. My wife ladies and gentlemen!