Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Taking Candy From a Caveman is Much Easier Than Watching Football With a Baby

Eagles + baby = this blogpost.
It is scientifically proven that there was nothing more distracting to Neanderthals than fire. A roaring flame would cause cavemen to grunt, laugh and later evolve into ten-year-old Jewish kids who freaked out during Channukah. Soon after, during Freud's Latency Stage, fire would be replaced by "the thong" which perfectly displays a glimpse of dueling butt cheeks that have caused numerous college students to flunk out of state schools and eventually led to the invention of Red Bull. Finally, at the end of human's joyless lives (The Thirtysomething Stage), adults replace fire and thongs with "the baby," without a doubt the most distracting element in human civilization. The baby, with its adorable giggles, chubby knees and overall wonderment of life make television watching near impossible when they are present in the same room.   

It should also be noted that there is a brewing debate among psychologists that a fourth stage of development, The Bonkers Stage, could occur if in fact a human happens to witness a baby wearing a thong who also happens to be on fire. Only one of these such occurrences has ever been documented, by the late Dr. Gorville Harlanstam of the University of Phoenix whose fucking brain exploded when he experimented with The Bonkers Stage in his laboratory (basement ... mother's basement). 

The most depressed people ever. Also, how about that lion-dude on the far right?
This past Sundee, my wife and I got together with our friends Annie and Abu and their one-year-old son, Sam to watch the Beagles of Philadelphia play the Bears of Chicago and I can honestly say that in three hours of being there, I probably saw maybe ten plays of actual game action. It's not that Sam or babies in general are loud or annoying or anything, it's actually the complete opposite; they're just incredibly captivating and will shove anything in their mouths including, but not limited to a dog's foot (as Abu's dog Franklin quickly found out).

As the game began, Sam (whose mom, Annie, prefers him to be called "Sammy," although I like to go with "Samuel Gompers," a moniker that she is NOT happy about) was walking around and constantly falling over, a sight that should be witnessed by anyone who also enjoys watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Mr. Gompers was walking around in front of their coffee table and every time he took two steps and collapsed onto the floor, he would disappear, only to sprout right back up in a completely different direction than he was facing seconds before. It was fascinating, he'd be walking for a few steps towards the dining room and than BLAM! onto the floor ... and then back up and heading 90 degrees in another direction and then BLAM! onto the floor again and right back up walking towards his giant stuffed blue bear, Theodore. I'm pretty sure at this time Jay Cutler threw around five touchdowns to Johnny Knox, but I honestly have no idea because Theodore is so big and so blue and so furry.

Samuel Gompers spots a baby. Or possibly a thong.
As the Beagles went down early, Annie got Gomps ready for dinner time which consisted of blackberries, cantaloupe and turkey, an amazing combination that could only be thought of by a baby or a late 19th century American labor union leader. While Michael Vick took a timeout as the playclock wound down, I headed to the kitchen for a water-break, only to find Annie bossing me around, giving me orders to deliver Samuel his second course of the evening, little pumpernickel crackers with cream cheese on 'em. They looked delicious, but to be honest, I thought Annie could've added a little more TLC into the preparation as the cream cheese looked to be dumped on with an ice cream scoop. I decided to keep my mouth shut though (for the first time EVER in my life) because Annie happens to be a very good mom; she shows her child plenty of attention and affection and cleans up like a crazy person, and I figured that maybe Mr. Gomples preferred his crackers completely drenched. 

Seconds later, Abu hollered for us all to hurry back to the living room, because we "have to see this!" I figured Michael Vick had launched a 70 yard bomb to Desean Jax, but no, Sammy had just completely smeared himself with cream cheese, a sight so ridiculously hilarious that it caused us all to hover over him in his highchair as if he had fallen down a well. At this point, Michael Vick could have thrown a football through a guy's facemask, causing the field to be splattered in blood and brains and pigskin and I honestly would not have noticed because this baby's face was so damn mesmerizing. Gomps got scared and started to cry, possibly because he had four humans towering over him or possibly because having cream cheese slathered all over your face is extremely uncomfortable, a feeling I know all too well.

Captain Caveman DEFINITELY spots a thong.
Throughout the rest of the game, I saw the occasional Shady McCoy scamper and witnessed the ridiculous Brent Celek TD catch, but was mostly focused on getting Captain Gomplestein to laugh as I took his toy rolling pin and pretended to shave my neck with it. Later, Gomps and my wife shared a bagel together on the couch, an image so damn cute that there's a good chance her Ortho Tri-Cyclen was later flushed down our toilet.

All in all, a fine Sundee afternoon of football baby watching.

And I now totally understand why Abu's fantasy football team is in last place.


  1. Happy impending fatherhood.

    Here's a video about a baby monkey riding backwards on a pig. Thought it might be appropriate in this space.


  2. Possible future blogpost discussing baby monkeys riding backwards on pigs and other kitten / squirrel videos that my wife and/or female friends send me on a daily basis.

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